Richard Norway's Blog

My heart goes out to Julian, and David, and you, and all presently involved in Julian's care. One of the greatest desires of any fifteen- year-old is to be independent of his family, and that motivation is ideally what drives the development of maturity and understanding and the assumption of responsibility for oneself. But how can that work well when there has never been the buy-in to the concept of family in the first place? It's a tragic situation, and I can't conceive of any way that seven months with you could have repaired the destruction wrought by the preceding fourteen and a half years of Julian's life.

I just now saw this, I'm sorry.

What would I really know about a young guy like him? I had a very loving family, in nearly every way. The only big issues, I've come to realize, had to do with over-protection and the lack of almost anything regarding sex and nudity, homosexuality even more so. But in nearly every other way, I had good parents and grandparents, a good "church family," and so on. (But that over-protectiveness combined with my handicap meant I grew up with very few friends outside of classes at school.)

So I can't claim to really quite understand where a boy like him is coming from, without any grounding in what it means to have family or friends, a stable home life, people to rely on, emotional support, normal friendly/family physical affection, the guidelines and boundaries and the freedoms too that go with those.

OK, except that the things I did go through growing up, teasing and bullying and exclusion and over-protection, and a natural loner tendency, all added up to two opposing things: I have a tendency to be careful and cynical about people, even friends, and to keep some things inside my shell. It may seem like I'll say anything and everything private, from my forum posts, emails, or messaging. But that is something I have had to learn to do. Also, it's connected to the other point, the polar opposite: I also have a big need for belonging, companionship, friendship, love, the whole thing, because I always felt like an outsider. I tend to only show the real me, or all of me, to my closest friends only. (I am not sure why I show as much as I do online.)

I feel like everything good, with other people, relationships, life generally, comes from being willing to love, to open up. Fear and consequences may get obedience, but they do not get willingness, the desire to follow, faith, loyalty, compassion, friendship, or love. Only being loving does that. It is fine to have requirements, guidelines, even rules to follow, if those are reasonable and fair. But those must also include love, friendliness, lovingkindness (an old-fashioned word), and another old-fashioned word, fellowship, and companionability. If no one wants to listen, just be there for you, how on earth are you ever going to want to open up, to stretch out, and try to be more?

I know the system works to that expectation of rules and consequences. I know why it does. But it just isn't enough. The whole idea behind family and child and senior welfare ought to be love and stability and restoring wholeness, or I think it's missing the whole point. The justice system, certainly for youth and families, has to be there to restore that wholeness too, to make what went wrong into what can go right again. Or again, it misses the point. (That was my objection to the recent flap over a judge's decision regarding a high school honors student who was deemed truant, because she was working to support her brothers and sisters. The judge followed the letter of the law, but his decision did nothing to consider or to restore what was broken in the girl's and family's case, and yet the court was empowered (and expected) to do so, in justice.)

I hope Julian can be with people who will heal what's happened in his life, so he can learn to find the love and trust and relationships that will heal what needs healing in his life. If not with you and David, then maybe with another family. I'd hope he'd get the chance to keep in contact with you if he wants to, now or later. Being 15 (or 18 or 21) is not too late to change in life. It's for dang sure change happens when we don't want it. But it can also happen when we want to change, when we choose to change and stick with it. At least, I want that to be true too.

Best wishes for him and for you both and other foster youth with you guys.

I messaged, but did not know to write here. Sorry.