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About bilal

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  1. Actual call centre conversations! Customer: 'I've been calling700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?' Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?' Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.' Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Samsung Electronics Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.' Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?' Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe ) 'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please' Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?' Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.' Customer: 'OK..' Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?' Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' .' Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.............. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.' Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect ' Operator: 'What sort of trouble?' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared' Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer..' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'OK. Well, can yousee if it is?' Caller: 'No...' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark?' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't..' Operator: 'No? Why not?' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up Just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
  2. After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid... Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: " Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. " So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.” Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified. ************** An Irishman's first drink with his son! While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!! ************** Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?" ______________________________ __ Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" __________________________ ______________________________ __ Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ______________________________ __ Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.' ______________________________ __ Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home. ______________________________ __ Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!' 'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' ______________________________ My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
  3. Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You Got nice house'
  4. 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac). When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name; "Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel; "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal! "Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!" The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram", Then into my room rose a full hologram! He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose). He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack! His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know! With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke. He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm", Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim! He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo! He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken! My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape. The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros! He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink. But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
  5. bilal

    Disorder in Court

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________ _ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________ ______ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ______ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ______________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ______________________________ ___ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________ ______ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ. ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ______________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ______________________________ _________ ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________ ________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
  6. bilal

    baseball coach

    At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the little boy. " Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?" "No, coach." "Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
  7. bilal

    Dominic 3

    There was no response from the other end of the line. “Dominic did you hear what I said?” Matthew heard a sniffing and a voice crackling with emotion. “I heard Matthew, but I don’t want to hear your voice from 250miles away.” Dominic’s voice broke as he sobbed out, “I want to hear it with you standing in front of me. Please come back.” “Oh God Dominic, stop crying. I promise I’ll be back shortly, just give me a few more days.” “NO,” he yelled, “I want you back now, if you don’t come back I won’t speak to you again.” “Do you really mean that, because if you do then you may as well put the phone down your end.” Silence. “Dominic.” “Uh huh.” “So.” “So what” “You haven’t put the phone down.” “I’m thinking about it.” “You’re taking a long time thinking about it.” “How much longer are you going to stay in Kendal?” “Were going around in circles with this conversation Dominic, can’t we talk about something else.” “Such as.” “I don’t know, you, and how you’re doing in the sixth form.” “How do you bloody think I’m doing without you around?” “Dominic don’t start that again,” and Matthew was interrupted. “I didn’t come on the phone to make small talk Matthew, I miss you and want you back, and I’m trying my best to make you understand that.” And in his anger Dominic slammed the phone down. Mr Blake looked at the young boy with tears streaming down his cheeks and took him into his arms. “Dominic, I heard the conversation with you and Matthew now can you explain what is going on between the two of you?” And Dominic with tears running down his cheeks, and a great deal of sniffing, related the feelings the boys had for each other. When he finished and getting his emotions under control he said, “Mr Blake I can’t understand why Matthew went away to think things over without telling me, and now I feel all alone without him by my side.” Mr Blake produced some tissues to wipe the boy’s face then gave him a couple more telling him, “Blow your nose.” After Dominic had done what he was told he said, “I’d better be getting home, my mum warned me about not to be bothering you too much.” “It alright Dominic you’re not bothering us I’ll drop you home. I think I’d like to talk to your mother about what you just told me.” “Uh, I don’t know Mr Blake, my mum might give me Hell for getting you all involved in this.” “Don’t worry about it I’ll drop you home, and I’ll do the talking you just sit tight okay.” “Okay Mr Blake, then we had better get going I don’t want to be late getting back.” Edward Blake scooped the boy under his right arm, “Right let’s go.” Walking over to his wife he pecked her on the lips saying, “See you later darling.” Dominic wrapped under Edward Blake’s arms uttered a, “Bye Mrs Blake,” and the two of them left the house. Outside Dominic was set on his feet and they walked round to the garage and climbed into one of three cars. When they arrived at his block of flats Dominic tried to persuade Mr Blake that there was no need for him to talk to his mother. “You may not think so Dominic, but I do, now let’s go up to your flat.” “It’s not very big Mr Blake, and we don’t have nice furniture like you do.” “Dominic, you don’t have to make excuses about your home. The most important thing is that you’re happy in it.” “Oh yeah Mr Blake, we are, we have great times together my mum, sister, and I.” “Right then, let’s go meet your mother.” Mrs. Spencer was surprised to see her son walk into the flat with a man on his heels. “Mum, this is Mr. Blake.” “Pleased to meet you Mr Blake.” “Please, call me Edward, and I’m pleased to meet you.” Leading the way into the sitting room she said, “Come in Edward, take a seat, and the name is Karen. Now what brings you around here, I hope Dominic hasn’t been making a nuisance of himself.” At the same time she indicated to Dominic to take his sister into the kitchen. “No Karen, actually I’ve come to discuss the friendship between our two sons. You know that they have become very close friends. Now the friendship according to them has become more serious so much so that they’re both confused by it.” He looked at Karen who seemed to be nodding her head understandably at what he was saying. “Let me be more specific Karen, the boys seem to think that they’re in love. Myself I wouldn’t be too concerned about it as yet, as there are still very young. Boys of this age can have very intense friendships, but as they reach adulthood the intensity does wane as their interests take different courses. At the moment Dominic, and Matthew, seem to be confused about their friendship, which has caused him to go away to think it out. Dominic is quite broken up about Matthew leaving without informing him. “Oh dear, Matthew was around here on Monday evening and left without saying anything.” “Why was that?” “Dominic wasn’t in, he’d gone out to one of his classmate’s house, and Matthew seemed a bit upset when hearing Dominic had gone out.” “The reason I came to see you Karen, was that Dominic is still very upset about being away from Matthew, so I thought that I can arrange to have Dominic driven to Kendal to join Matthew.” “But what about school?” “Don’t worry about it, I’m on the School Board I can fix that, also the term finishes next week so he won’t be missing much in any case.” “Let me call him in and ask him if he wants to go.” She called out for Dominic to come into the sitting room, he arrived carrying his sister. “Dominic, put Jemma down,” Doing as his mother instructed he replied, “Yes mum what d’you want.” “Mr Blake has suggested that he can fix it for you to join Matthew in Kendal, do you want to go?” “Yes mum, when can I go?” She turned to look at Matthew’s father. “Tomorrow or is that too soon.” “No, that would be fine Mr Blake, that would be brilliant.” “Okay then I’d better get home and start arranging things, and don’t bother with taking any money with you, you won’t need any.” After he’d made his goodbyes to Karen, Dominic accompanied him down to his car. “Mr Blake, can I ask another favour of you please.” “Ask it Dominic.” “Don’t tell Matthew that I’m joining him.” “Dominic, I wasn’t going to tell him like you I wanted to surprise him” “Mr Blake.” “Yes.” “You’re an okay guy, and thanks again.” The man ruffled the boy’s hair “So are you, now if you want to see Matthew tomorrow you’d better get upstairs and start packing the driver will be around by 11am tomorrow.” Dominic bade Mr Blake a “Goodnight.” With the courtesy being returned by Mr. Blake. He was up bright and early, and after the normal morning rituals of showering, dressing, and eating he sat and waited. The hands of the clock seemed to take forever to reach eleven. Before that Dominic had been down to the entrance to the flats at least half a dozen times, in the hope that the driver would arrive early. At precisely one minute after eleven a black Mercedes saloon drew up and blared its horn. Dominic jumped up grabbed his case kissed his mother and sister goodbye, and flew down the steps to the waiting car. The driver took the bag from him put it in the boot while Dominic climbed into the backseat sat down and strapped himself in. The driver climbed in behind the steering wheel saying “If your ready sir should we begin the journey?” “Oh uh yes, lets go please.” The car smoothly drew away from the flats and headed for the motorway, and then Northwards to Kendal. After an hour and a half of driving the driver drew into a service station parked the car and turned to Dominic saying, “We’re stopping for lunch sir.” Dominic was speechless he had about 75p on him which was just about enough to buy a cold drink let alone lunch, “Uh you go ahead I’m not hungry I’ll stay in the car if it’s okay by you.” “But Mr Blake insisted that I stop for lunch, and to make sure you ate something. He even gave me the money to cover the cost of my food as well.” “Uh oh okay, I don’t want to get you into any trouble,” and Dominic climbed out of the car grateful that Mr. Blake had been thoughtful enough to provide money for food. He was hungry and could eat a horse. During the meal they introduced themselves to each other, and got quite friendly. After they’d finished their meal when they returned to the car Dominic asked, “Can I sit up front with you George instead of at the back?” “Yeah sure hop in,” and they were on their way again. About four thirty in the evening they reached the house that Matthew was staying at. The driver took Dominic’s case out of the boot and walked with him to the front door where he rang the bell. A man a bit older but very similar in appearance to Mr Blake answered the door. He looked at the young boy standing on the doorstep smiled, held his hand out, “You must be Dominic, I’ve been expecting you, come inside.” Turning to the driver he said, “You coming in as well George,” taking the case from his hand.” “No sir, I had better go and book into the hotel, Mr Blake has reserved a room for me for the night, so that I can get an early start tomorrow without bothering anyone.” “Okay George, see you, and have a good day.” With George gone Mr Blake senior led Dominic into the lounge placed his case on the floor and introduced his wife to Dominic. She came and gave Dominic a big hug held him at arms length saying, “What a handsome young man,” making Dominic blush. “Martha don’t embarrass the boy,” Mr Blake said, then calling Dominic to his side he informed him that, “Matthew is upstairs in his room, it’s the one directly ahead at the top of the stairs. Go on up and see him, if you don’t make too much noise he’ll most probably think it’s me coming up.” Dominic thanked Mr Blake senior, and headed for the room. He was nervous and shaking with anticipation with the thought of seeing Matthew again. He reached the room door and knocked gently on it and a voice from inside that he recognised instantly said, “Come in uncle.” Dominic opened the door to see Matthew with his back to the door kneeling on the bed with his head stuck out the window. He stood in the doorway till Matthew turned saying, “What did, Oh God! Dominic and he jumped off the bed they both ran towards each other as they met Matthew scooped the smaller boy into his arms. He hugged the small form to his breast squeezing him, then easing off and looking at the face that had been in his thoughts since he had left home, “I’ve missed you something wicked Dominic.” “Missed you as well, but first I have to tell you something, but please don’t hate me after I tell you.” “Can’t it wait till later?” “No, I have to tell you now, otherwise I may not have the guts to tell you later. It’s been on my mind and I feel you should know. Then you can make your mind up about me.” “Okay go ahead.” “Well you know the evening that you came around to my place and I was out.” “Yeah that was Monday,” “That’s right, well I’d told you that I had a lot of homework and couldn’t go out that evening.” “So,” “So Frank, who gave me a lift home suggested that we do our homework together at his house and without thinking I said yes. That evening after we’d finished we were talking and without thinking I let on that we were friends. Then he asked me if we were wanking, and I got embarrassed and blurted out no. But he guessed that we were by the look on my face, so he asked me if I would wank him. At first I didn’t want too but when he put my hand on his dick I just gave in and did it with him.” “You and he had a wank.” Yes, and I liked it till I had my orgasm, but it wasn’t as good as when I do it with you. Afterwards I felt bad and started crying because I felt ashamed that I had done it with someone else other than you. Frank tried to make me feel better, by saying that it was his fault for taking advantage of me, but it didn’t help much. I wasn’t going to tell you about it but it’s been bugging me. So now that I’ve told you, are you mad with me?” Matthew gazed at the small form in front of him then replied, “Dominic that was one of the reasons I left to come up here. That evening when I got to your house and you had gone out, the very thought of you being with someone else made me go all haywire. If I’d stayed and found out I don’t know what I would have done, I only realized afterwards that I was not thinking right, and needed to try and understand my emotions towards you. So, I came up here to try and get things into perspective. Dominic, you’re only twelve years old, and though I’m much bigger than you I’m only a couple of years older. Yes, I love you, but I really can’t expect you to feel the same way as I do, you’re much too young to start thinking about relationships, and it would be unfair of me to try and get you involved in one. And before you start telling me how advanced in your education you are, remember, you knew practically nothing about sexual feelings, and emotions till you got involved with me. I think we can still be very close friends, but give yourself a chance till you get a little older before you decide what.” and Mathew’s speech was brought to a halt by Dominic shouting. “Will you shut up Matthew, and stop spouting all that holier than thou gobbledygook. Yes, I am twelve years old, and yes, I was a bit behind in my sexual awareness, but you seem to forget I happen to be a very fast learner faster than you. So, you don’t have to be concerned about leading me astray, I know what I want and that’s the reason why I’m here in Kendal.” The older boy stood staring at his young friend, suddenly he blurted out. “What have I let myself in for, but whatever it is I like it.” Then lowered his head so that his lips could be met by a pair as eager as his. Epilogue. He sat staring out of the front room window looking down the drive. His partner for 70+ years had passed away two years ago, and he felt empty without him. He thought back to their days at school, and university, the girls they dated for the experience, and finding it not to their taste, and eagerly returning to each other. Their setting up home together and the adoption of children and the happiness it brought into their lives. Their children had done well, married, and produced children of their own, who were in out of the house on a regular basis, but still he yearned for his partner. He tired easily these days, his reminiscing diminished as his eyes started to close, but then he awakened his eyes focused more clearly. Oh My God! There he was that brown haired twelve-year-old boy walking down the drive. He flew from his wheelchair and was out of the house in a flash, as he ran so the years melted away and he was fourteen again. He met Dominic halfway down the drive, grabbed hold of him and lifted him into his arms, the boy’s legs wrapped around his waist, and arms around his neck and their lips joined. Matthew broke the kiss, Where the Bloody Hell have you been, I’ve been waiting yonks for you. Well I’m here now Matthew, let’s go. He lowered Dominic to the ground then hand in hand they faded into eternity. The End
  8. bilal


    PARAPROSDOKIANSare figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research. 8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency', notify: I put 'DOCTOR.' 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy. 11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory. 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it. 15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. 17. Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now. And my personal favourite: I am not arguing with you, I am explaining = why you are wrong
  9. Below is a brief review of the story. Set in the 1960s in an Oxford college, when being gay was still an offence punishable by imprisonment, 'Sandel' tells the story of a love affair between an undergraduate (David Rogers), and a cathedral choir boy Antony Sandel. If you click on the link you will get or more detailed review https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sandel-Angus-Stewart-ebook/dp/B00EGXTH60/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1537665592&sr=8-3&keywords=Sandel
  10. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure ?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention ?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really ?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there ?" "Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best." "I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name . . . " "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
  11. The book I think you're enquiring about is The River by Rumer Godden it was written in I think 1946 and made into a film in 1951. I've attached a review of the book below, hope it helps The grace, the fragility, associated with Rumer Godden, again most evident in this new book which is not a story (and therefore less probably popular), but rather an interlude, a pause in time as well as a play on time, in the early adolescence of a young girl. This concerns Harriet, one of several children in an English family in India, Harriet who has reached the frightening, questioning borderline between adolescence and maturity. Here are her thoughts about living and dying, about the world, about change as her older sister withdraws to an adult sphere, her little brother is killed by a cobra. Omnipresent is the sense of the irrevocability of time when ""nothing stops days, or rivers"", adding a metaphysical tone to the idyll. Frail, fugitive, this may be too tenuous for may tastes- even though she has a following.
  12. bilal

    When You're 70+

    (some of the jokes that old, also) I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re seventy...............who cares? ********** I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you’re seventy..............who cares? *********** I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re seventy..............who cares? ********** I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... Try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re seventy...............who cares? ********* I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re seventy...............who cares? ********** I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re seventy...............who cares? "Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember We do not quit playing because we grow old.... We grow old because we quit playing"
  13. bilal

    A Lawyer

    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass" "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
  14. bilal


    A PASTOR visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. THE PASTOR visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there." "They don’t like that in heaven, The Pastor said. The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!" A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' - and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.’ After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche-Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back.’