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I Devise My Own Demise


Jason Rimbaud

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You might not be aware, and more than likely you probably don't give a shit either way, but Rimbaud is not my real last name. When I was sixteen years old, I discovered a thirty page poem called A Season in Hell, written by a seventeen/eighteen year old poet by the name of Arthur Rimbaud.

I had just discovered my love of writing/prose/poetry and I was amazed that such a brilliant thought provoking piece was written by a boy, and not just any boy but a gay boy like myself, from that moment, I have wanted to write my own Season in Hell. And though I have yet written a thirty page poem or written a masterpiece for that matter, I Devise my Own Demise is my own way of honoring a visionary poet that through heartache and loneliness lost the will to write at such an early age. He wrote from the ages of sixteen to nineteen, in that short span of time, he not only changed French poetry but the face of modern poetry as well.

So without any more digressing, I give you my attempt,

I Devise my own Demise

By: Jason R.

Meeting

I remember that first day we met

I was sitting on the porch

A cigarette dangling from my lips

A Molson in my hand

You were there with your friend

An attractive female

I remember thinking to myself

If you were with her, what a waste

You were silent as she spoke to me

She inquired about the room

The room for rent in my building

But I only had eyes for you

You made my pulse quicken

My thoughts scattered like the wind

Your gaze, intense, emerald and bold

An instant connection we shared

I sent her inside to speak to the landlord

You remained outside, with me

You asked for a cigarette

Though you claimed you were trying to quit

A small white wicker bench

You sat down beside me

Our legs touched

ELECTRIC

As we talked and smoked in the shade

I became fascinated by your lips

Or perhaps your entire mouth

It didn't matter what you said

And each time you laughed, which was often

A sound so infectious, it drew me in

You drew me in with fits of giggles

It was instant between us

For over an hour we sat on that porch

Comfortable

Like two old friends chatting

Yet all too soon, it was time for you to go

You lived in Pittsburg

I lived in Harrisburg

So we said a sad goodbye

And I watched you walk away

Such sadness from a random encounter

How pathetic I was sitting there

Staring as you walked away

Hoping to see you look back

I watched this amazing guy walk away

Never asked for a phone number

An email address, something, anything

I only knew your name, John

At the time, I had thought I'd never see you again

I was wrong

For better or worse

You returned the following weekend

Your friend never moved into that empty room

You did

And just as before

It was electric

Falling

It's a rainy evening and I feel so fine

Because you're in my heart and inside my mind

I think I'm falling into love with you

Kiss and flirt a little I know you feel it too

In the moonlight as the rain it falls

We can last forever tear down these walls

Do not question it just go with the flow

In my electric garden reap the things we sow

Heartbeats pounding faster as we embrace

Our bodies shift in motion I like the way you taste

I know the way you feel much like getting high

Painted orange and red into an unknown sky

I've got this burning feeling this is no false alarm

I'm content beside you wrapped up in your arms

And when the sun is shining there is no more rain

I'm a brand new person happiness instead of pain

In my bed of roses rest your head awhile

I'll kiss you so sweetly get lost in your smile

Every waking moment is like a dream come true

I want to spend my life getting off with you

Sinking

It's like I temporarily lost my mind

It's true what they say infatuation is blind

Truth never entered into our conversation

Sex was the prize and intended manipulation

As we flirted and talked late into the night

Vodka and cigarettes under moonlight

You were the beginning of love I can't escape

Your eyes the anchor the pathway to hate

Drama surrounds us as we chase the extremes

Loving you was like loving a dream

Even though inside your embrace I felt warm

It was the eye of a hurricane stillness before the storm

Drowning

Maybe it was the madness that I let reign

Maybe it was the innocence I lost when I came

Maybe it was the feelings sucked through the drain

Maybe it was the heartache of love quite insane

Maybe it was the ocean that gave me these tears

Maybe it was the moonlight so far yet so near

Maybe it was the sunshine that stripped all the gears

Maybe it was the lust that banished all fears

Maybe it was the highs that together we achieve

Maybe it was the mountains resting on your sleeve

Maybe it was the promise that you'd never leave

Maybe it was the connection we had as we grieve

Maybe it was the motion of standing in this place

Maybe it was the refusal to grant emotional space

Maybe it was the past neither of us could erase

Maybe it was the searching to let love replace

Maybe it was the fear of us saying goodbye

Maybe it was the self-destructing gleam in your eye

Maybe it was the sameness I heard in your lies

Maybe it was the tears that fell as you cry

Ending

Violently he grabbed my arms

And twisted them tightly behind my back

With a hellish look in his emerald eyes

He clenched up his fist and attacked

Fingers laced with rings he beat me hard

From my shoulders to my feet

The metal sliced right through my olive skin

Just like razors through a sheet

Countless times my blood splattered

As each inhuman blow was given

From the memory of lies I told

He smiled as my nose was torn to ribbons

Much to his surprise I lifted my chin

Though the words I used were few

His face turned brighter shades of red

When I shouted out, fuck you

Uncaringly he tossed me against the wall

And kicked my weakened form

As my blood pressure fell deathly low

I could hear the sirens swarm

With determination and rage inside

My face he punched and smacked

Forcing me to my knees

I fell when he kicked me in the back

Through lack of sleep and inebriation

My eyes began to swell

And weakened by my loss of blood

This liar...addict fell

And when I fell my blood splattered

On the boy and on his shoe

And as he bent to wipe it off

I spat out, fuck you

In his rage he took a knife from the sink

And jabbed it deeply into my arm

He opened the door and threw me out

I knew in my heart this boy will cause me harm

Lying there in agony and torment

My body convulsed with pain

I tilted my face towards the stars

Slipping towards the insane

In a moment of clarity I finally knew

The price for the hate before that time or since

I made a statement that to this day

Caused the boy I still loved to wince

I lifted my head and looked him in the eye

Struggling to maintain a calm so my words were true

I wanted him to remember what I said

When I whispered, John, fuck you

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Well, at least I had a moment of happiness today, before reading that. If the intent was to emotionally lift me up and smash me down, you've succeeded. I'm thinking maybe I'm best off making sure I remain single.

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Trab, Though it was not my intention to drag you down, it was my intention to invoke a strong emotional response. In that I might have exceeded my expectations. A Season in Hell, is basically a desent into madness. With IDMOD, I wanted to chronicle my own desent into relationship madness. This was a period of rapant drug use and lust filled encounters with a boy just as troubled as myself. Sometimes loved hurts, sometimes its co-dependant, sometimes its beautiful. But it's always an experience worth having. Jason R.PS: Sorry about depressing you. But don't worry about my mistakes. If love comes knocking at your door, grab hold. You know what they say, it's better to love and lose then to have never love at all. Though I've always thought who ever said that, was a happily married person.

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I remember A Season In Hell as an extraordinary work that amazed me and frightened me at the same time.Jason, I think we often forget how much soul wrenching effort goes into writing any poem like IDMOD.When it is done with the clarity and openness that you have achieved, then it becomes a tour of those emotions you wish to share with us.Your poem is like your reply to Trab:

Sometimes loved hurts, sometimes its co-dependant, sometimes its beautiful. But it's always an experience worth having.
I can only say the experience of reading your work was indeed equally, worth having. Thank you.I look forward to reading more of your writing.
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