I Devise My Own Demise
Entry posted by Jason Rimbaud ·
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You might not be aware, and more than likely you probably don't give a shit either way, but Rimbaud is not my real last name. When I was sixteen years old, I discovered a thirty page poem called A Season in Hell, written by a seventeen/eighteen year old poet by the name of Arthur Rimbaud.
I had just discovered my love of writing/prose/poetry and I was amazed that such a brilliant thought provoking piece was written by a boy, and not just any boy but a gay boy like myself, from that moment, I have wanted to write my own Season in Hell. And though I have yet written a thirty page poem or written a masterpiece for that matter, I Devise my Own Demise is my own way of honoring a visionary poet that through heartache and loneliness lost the will to write at such an early age. He wrote from the ages of sixteen to nineteen, in that short span of time, he not only changed French poetry but the face of modern poetry as well.
So without any more digressing, I give you my attempt,
I Devise my own Demise
By: Jason R.
Meeting
I remember that first day we met
I was sitting on the porch
A cigarette dangling from my lips
A Molson in my hand
You were there with your friend
An attractive female
I remember thinking to myself
If you were with her, what a waste
You were silent as she spoke to me
She inquired about the room
The room for rent in my building
But I only had eyes for you
You made my pulse quicken
My thoughts scattered like the wind
Your gaze, intense, emerald and bold
An instant connection we shared
I sent her inside to speak to the landlord
You remained outside, with me
You asked for a cigarette
Though you claimed you were trying to quit
A small white wicker bench
You sat down beside me
Our legs touched
ELECTRIC
As we talked and smoked in the shade
I became fascinated by your lips
Or perhaps your entire mouth
It didn't matter what you said
And each time you laughed, which was often
A sound so infectious, it drew me in
You drew me in with fits of giggles
It was instant between us
For over an hour we sat on that porch
Comfortable
Like two old friends chatting
Yet all too soon, it was time for you to go
You lived in Pittsburg
I lived in Harrisburg
So we said a sad goodbye
And I watched you walk away
Such sadness from a random encounter
How pathetic I was sitting there
Staring as you walked away
Hoping to see you look back
I watched this amazing guy walk away
Never asked for a phone number
An email address, something, anything
I only knew your name, John
At the time, I had thought I'd never see you again
I was wrong
For better or worse
You returned the following weekend
Your friend never moved into that empty room
You did
And just as before
It was electric
Falling
It's a rainy evening and I feel so fine
Because you're in my heart and inside my mind
I think I'm falling into love with you
Kiss and flirt a little I know you feel it too
In the moonlight as the rain it falls
We can last forever tear down these walls
Do not question it just go with the flow
In my electric garden reap the things we sow
Heartbeats pounding faster as we embrace
Our bodies shift in motion I like the way you taste
I know the way you feel much like getting high
Painted orange and red into an unknown sky
I've got this burning feeling this is no false alarm
I'm content beside you wrapped up in your arms
And when the sun is shining there is no more rain
I'm a brand new person happiness instead of pain
In my bed of roses rest your head awhile
I'll kiss you so sweetly get lost in your smile
Every waking moment is like a dream come true
I want to spend my life getting off with you
Sinking
It's like I temporarily lost my mind
It's true what they say infatuation is blind
Truth never entered into our conversation
Sex was the prize and intended manipulation
As we flirted and talked late into the night
Vodka and cigarettes under moonlight
You were the beginning of love I can't escape
Your eyes the anchor the pathway to hate
Drama surrounds us as we chase the extremes
Loving you was like loving a dream
Even though inside your embrace I felt warm
It was the eye of a hurricane stillness before the storm
Drowning
Maybe it was the madness that I let reign
Maybe it was the innocence I lost when I came
Maybe it was the feelings sucked through the drain
Maybe it was the heartache of love quite insane
Maybe it was the ocean that gave me these tears
Maybe it was the moonlight so far yet so near
Maybe it was the sunshine that stripped all the gears
Maybe it was the lust that banished all fears
Maybe it was the highs that together we achieve
Maybe it was the mountains resting on your sleeve
Maybe it was the promise that you'd never leave
Maybe it was the connection we had as we grieve
Maybe it was the motion of standing in this place
Maybe it was the refusal to grant emotional space
Maybe it was the past neither of us could erase
Maybe it was the searching to let love replace
Maybe it was the fear of us saying goodbye
Maybe it was the self-destructing gleam in your eye
Maybe it was the sameness I heard in your lies
Maybe it was the tears that fell as you cry
Ending
Violently he grabbed my arms
And twisted them tightly behind my back
With a hellish look in his emerald eyes
He clenched up his fist and attacked
Fingers laced with rings he beat me hard
From my shoulders to my feet
The metal sliced right through my olive skin
Just like razors through a sheet
Countless times my blood splattered
As each inhuman blow was given
From the memory of lies I told
He smiled as my nose was torn to ribbons
Much to his surprise I lifted my chin
Though the words I used were few
His face turned brighter shades of red
When I shouted out, fuck you
Uncaringly he tossed me against the wall
And kicked my weakened form
As my blood pressure fell deathly low
I could hear the sirens swarm
With determination and rage inside
My face he punched and smacked
Forcing me to my knees
I fell when he kicked me in the back
Through lack of sleep and inebriation
My eyes began to swell
And weakened by my loss of blood
This liar...addict fell
And when I fell my blood splattered
On the boy and on his shoe
And as he bent to wipe it off
I spat out, fuck you
In his rage he took a knife from the sink
And jabbed it deeply into my arm
He opened the door and threw me out
I knew in my heart this boy will cause me harm
Lying there in agony and torment
My body convulsed with pain
I tilted my face towards the stars
Slipping towards the insane
In a moment of clarity I finally knew
The price for the hate before that time or since
I made a statement that to this day
Caused the boy I still loved to wince
I lifted my head and looked him in the eye
Struggling to maintain a calm so my words were true
I wanted him to remember what I said
When I whispered, John, fuck you
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