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Confession and cleansing



Okay kiddos, it?s cleansing and confession time for the ole Cap?n.

Growing up in small town Mississippi, (my young friend and fellow author, Razor, and I share the same crappy hometown) the last thing anyone young man in the late 70?s early 80?s wanted to be in that town was gay. Besides the ostracism, teasing, verbal abuse, etc., there was also the threat of physical violence. I was the victim of such (queer) rumors, and everything that went with it when I was in high school. Deep down though, I knew the rumors were true.

By the time I was in college, I was determined to do everything in my power to be the perfect straight guy. Although I wasn?t good in sports, I never missed an event. I started dating, joined a fraternity and social clubs. I was living the model life of a straight guy. By the time I was 19 I had met the girl I would eventually marry. We did, and I finished college and even worked my way through law school. We had a wonderful son who is now grown and in college himself. I have never slept with another woman (or man) all these years.

Throughout my marriage, though, my ?urges? never ceased. I have struggled with them for over twenty years. I would satisfy those urges with porn, and my fantasies when I was alone. The internet opened a whole new world and the porn was readily available on demand. A few years ago I discovered Nifty which eventually led me to GA, Awesomedude, and other great sites. After reading some of the great authors like Dom, Vance, Graeme, Lugh, Little Buddha, and others, I became convinced that maybe I could write a little story myself that someone might like to read. After all, I minored in English. So I started to write. That was not quite a year ago. It was the most complete and awesome way for me to deal with my sexuality that I had found. It was therapy for me. The writing, and the way I was accepted into the community of these websites by readers, and fellow authors has had a tremendous effect on me.

Now for the confession part, several years ago my wife found a gay porno tape and confronted me. I lied and said it was a gag, and I was just curious so I watched it. ? I lied. I was lying as much to myself as to her. There were a couple of more confrontations when she thought she found something suspicious, (but were actually quite innocent) to which I again denied my true sexuality.

Well, this week, I let her use my laptop to check and send some emails. My laptop is where Captain Rick and my stories live, and where I keep files of things other authors have sent me to read, or whatever. She found them. This time, I was tired of lying. Maybe it was the empowerment I felt from all of my net friends I have made here and at other sites, maybe I was just tired of lying to her and myself. I told her the truth.

It can?t be easy to find out that the person you?ve been married to for almost twenty-five years is gay. It hurts me horribly to see her hurting. But on the flip side, it?s taken me almost that long to admit it to myself. My heart is breaking over this as I would never EVER hurt her on purpose. Since she?s suspected for years, she?s taking it surprisingly well. We are talking, and are still living together, but I don?t know if we can save our marriage or not. Time, compromise, and hard work will tell. Graeme, Altimexis, and others who have been through this have been incredibly supportive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

My biggest fear? This may sound incredibly selfish, but I fear being alone. I have no brothers or sisters, and my parents are both deceased. What little family I do have left are scattered, and I rarely if ever see them. I?ve NEVER been truly alone. It scares the pure hell out of me.

Why am I writing this? The Captain has been a bit of an enigma. If I can come out to my wife, I can be honest here. It?s way past time.

Hugs everyone,



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Nice to see you here, Rick.Women are frighteningly intuitive, and it sounds like an inevitability that you'd have been rumbled sooner or later. Ultimately relationships are far more than sex. Actually Love, true love, doesn't require sex at all ... though I won't deny it's nice.Just be honest with her from now on, and she'll - hopefully - be ok.All the best,Camy

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Wow. Dude, I have no idea what to say except Good Luck. Keep us posted if you're willing. And keep the faith. You're a great guy and you can be happy. Hopefully in your current situation (counselling) and if not, in a future one.(That sounded almost like a greeting card for which I apologise)

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Hugs to you. It must be very difficult for you. You didn't actually say that you love your wife, but I get the feeling that you are very much in love with her. THAT, and not sex, is the true bond, and I hope that you can show her that staying with her all these years, faithful yet, shows how much you love her.

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First off: I KNOW how you feel about fearing to be alone.........I've never been truly alone or something even remotely approaching it....so yeah, I HOPE that you can save your marriage. probably counseling? I mean, does it really matter if you're gay or not? you love her, though probably not sexually.....& you can join your wife in oggling hunks :icon11: so here's for happy ending and preservation of your marriage! :icon_geek: rad

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I know how you feel. I have had the same fear of being alone. The only time I was really alone was when I was a young kid and my parents left me when they got a divorce. Fortunately, my American grandparents took me in. My wife and I married in college. I came out to her after 9 years under circumstances that forced the issue although not an affair. Two small children were a factor in our decision to find a way to stay together. I wasn't a good father a lot of the time, but not horrible any of the time. I don't know which is the best way to go any more than you do, but it has to be your decision or your wife's. Remember it takes at least two people to get married, but it only takes one to end it. Best of luck to you.

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