Confession and cleansing
Okay kiddos, it?s cleansing and confession time for the ole Cap?n.
Growing up in small town Mississippi, (my young friend and fellow author, Razor, and I share the same crappy hometown) the last thing anyone young man in the late 70?s early 80?s wanted to be in that town was gay. Besides the ostracism, teasing, verbal abuse, etc., there was also the threat of physical violence. I was the victim of such (queer) rumors, and everything that went with it when I was in high school. Deep down though, I knew the rumors were true.
By the time I was in college, I was determined to do everything in my power to be the perfect straight guy. Although I wasn?t good in sports, I never missed an event. I started dating, joined a fraternity and social clubs. I was living the model life of a straight guy. By the time I was 19 I had met the girl I would eventually marry. We did, and I finished college and even worked my way through law school. We had a wonderful son who is now grown and in college himself. I have never slept with another woman (or man) all these years.
Throughout my marriage, though, my ?urges? never ceased. I have struggled with them for over twenty years. I would satisfy those urges with porn, and my fantasies when I was alone. The internet opened a whole new world and the porn was readily available on demand. A few years ago I discovered Nifty which eventually led me to GA, Awesomedude, and other great sites. After reading some of the great authors like Dom, Vance, Graeme, Lugh, Little Buddha, and others, I became convinced that maybe I could write a little story myself that someone might like to read. After all, I minored in English. So I started to write. That was not quite a year ago. It was the most complete and awesome way for me to deal with my sexuality that I had found. It was therapy for me. The writing, and the way I was accepted into the community of these websites by readers, and fellow authors has had a tremendous effect on me.
Now for the confession part, several years ago my wife found a gay porno tape and confronted me. I lied and said it was a gag, and I was just curious so I watched it. ? I lied. I was lying as much to myself as to her. There were a couple of more confrontations when she thought she found something suspicious, (but were actually quite innocent) to which I again denied my true sexuality.
Well, this week, I let her use my laptop to check and send some emails. My laptop is where Captain Rick and my stories live, and where I keep files of things other authors have sent me to read, or whatever. She found them. This time, I was tired of lying. Maybe it was the empowerment I felt from all of my net friends I have made here and at other sites, maybe I was just tired of lying to her and myself. I told her the truth.
It can?t be easy to find out that the person you?ve been married to for almost twenty-five years is gay. It hurts me horribly to see her hurting. But on the flip side, it?s taken me almost that long to admit it to myself. My heart is breaking over this as I would never EVER hurt her on purpose. Since she?s suspected for years, she?s taking it surprisingly well. We are talking, and are still living together, but I don?t know if we can save our marriage or not. Time, compromise, and hard work will tell. Graeme, Altimexis, and others who have been through this have been incredibly supportive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
My biggest fear? This may sound incredibly selfish, but I fear being alone. I have no brothers or sisters, and my parents are both deceased. What little family I do have left are scattered, and I rarely if ever see them. I?ve NEVER been truly alone. It scares the pure hell out of me.
Why am I writing this? The Captain has been a bit of an enigma. If I can come out to my wife, I can be honest here. It?s way past time.