TV Commercial's Might be the Reason why I'm Alone
Entry posted by Jason Rimbaud
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TV Commercial?s Might be the Reason why I?m Alone
I?m sure you?re wondering how I could possibly make this statement with a straight face. Or even how I could offer evidence to prove this bizarre statement. Well mister, you just read along before you reach a decision.
There are times, not always, but certain times I flip a coin to make simple decisions for me. Like maybe, I can?t decide on which pair of pants to wear, I flip a coin. Or whether or not to call the boy I hooked up with the previous night for round two. Simple things like that.
And when I do flip a coin, I always do whichever action fate has decreed, fate chooses a path and I walk it.
So yesterday, Saturday, I was undecided on what I wanted to eat for lunch. I was torn between eating at my favorite Chinese Food restaurant, and ordering a thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut. So torn between these two choices was I, I called up my ex-roommate, Daniel, and asked his opinion.
He told me to go fuck myself. I hung up the phone and sat on my bed. After realizing that I could not possibly fuck myself, I called up my friend from Pennsylvania, and asked her advice. Ann only laughed in my ear and told me to grow a pair of balls and make a fucking decision; after all it was my stomach. I accused her of being biased; she is the one on a diet and is not allowed to eat either food.
For a while, maybe an hour, I walked around my house, trying to reason out what I wished for lunch. I went on line, browsing the different sites, hoping something would reach out and grab my stomach. But alas, dear readers, it was to no avail. I was still deadlocked between Chinese Food restaurant and thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut.
Looking at the clock, I realized I had to make my mind up soon or it would be me deciding on dinner. And I really didn?t have the energy to try and tackle that decision whilst sober. Let?s face it; I?m just not that good.
So I thought to myself, ?Fuck it, I?ll flip a coin and let fate decide.?
I went to my closet, and grabbed out my box of change that I keep there on the shelf. Some of you might be wondering if I have a lucky quarter that I use, but I don?t. Matter of fact, I never use the same quarter more than once. The reason, I don?t want to blend the two different decisions together. Especially if I?m using the same quarter to make the same decision. How do I know the decision from the previous flip won?t interfere with the current flip? I don?t, and neither do you.
Finding a quarter that?s worthy of making this decision is a task in and of itself. It must be shiny and new, no dull quarters are allowed. The edges must be as close to round as possible, no scratches or dents are allowed. Rhode Island quarters, as well as Florida quarters are strictly forbidden, the reason should be fairly obvious to those that follow elections that are held on a national level.
Finding the right quarter took a better part of half an hour, but I finally decided on a new shiny California quarter, minted in 2005. Very pretty if I say so myself.
I hold the quarter, balanced on my left thumb, and say to myself while looking in the mirror, ?I designate thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut heads, and Chinese Food from my favorite restaurant tails.? I find that if I say this aloud, then it binds me to the final decision of the coin.
So I take a deep breath and toss the coin in the air. At that moment, a commercial for Pizza Hut appears on my TV, reminding me of a lighthouse beacon cutting through the darkness. (Or in my case, a lighthouse beacon cutting through the indecision of my low blood sugar) I think, ?Pizza would be good.?
I almost miss catching the coin, this would be bad as it renders the coin toss useless and you must find another shiny perfect quarter. It lands in my left hand and I cover it with my right. Much like a child would peek from his bed in the darkness, I look at the coin in my hand. It was tails, Chinese Food from my favorite restaurant. But I?m saddened now.
Because that damn commercial on TV, I now have this craving for thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut. Yet I had long ago made the rule that I always follow the result of the coin toss. Fuck, what do I do?
I look at the coin in my hand, I look at the TV, back to my hand, to the TV. How can I work this out and still follow my predetermined rules?
I have it. ?Best two out of three.? I say triumphantly to myself in the mirror.
This time, I say to myself in the mirror, ?I designate Chinese Food from my favorite restaurant heads, and thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut tails.? Fuck, its heads.
If I were to follow the rules I agreed to, then Chinese Food from my favorite restaurant would be my lunch. But that damn commercial had me craving thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut. It?s not fair; I finally made my mind up, but just a bit too late.
I look at the coin, I look at the TV, I look at the coin, and I look at myself in the mirror. ?You promised?, a little voice in the back of my head says. ?Remember the rules? another chimes in. ?Just this once, it?s all right. No one?s going to know, its okay? my low blood sugar says seductively. I cave, ?Fuck it.? That damn pizza on TV looked to good to pass up. ?Just this once?I promise? I say to my frowning face in the mirror.
I throw the coin on my bed and grab the phone. I called 411 for the number to Pizza Hut (And no, I don?t have the number in my phone. You want reasons, I?ll give you reasons. First, I?m really lazy and have never bothered to look up the number. Second, if I know it will cost me money each time I order thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut then I won?t order it as much. See, two reasons right off the bat.) and eagerly await the Pizza Hut person to pick up and take my order.
While I wait, my mouth begins watering, I can almost taste the decedent carbs, the high sodium pepperoni, and the artery clogging cheese, I just might be in heaven at this moment. But the phone is ringing, six or seven times, what the f?oh, the Pizza Hut person answers the phone and asks if I would hold the line. I agree and she hangs up on me.
Before you go and tell, I?m not saying the Pizza Hut person hung up on me on purpose. It happens, right?
So I call 411 again and wait for the 411 computer to re-connect me. This time, after eight or nine rings, the Pizza Hut person answers the phone and asks if I could hold the line. Again I agree, I really want this thin-crust pepperoni from Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut person doesn?t hang up on me this time, but I?m waiting for over ten minutes. What the fuck?
I hang up, and call 411 yet again. After the computer connects me, who knows how much this is going to cost me but I don?t think about that, the phone rings. Five times, no answer, ten times, no answer, fifteen times, still no answer. I hang up the phone and throw it on my bed next to the forgotten quarter, which seems to be staring at me with teary eyes.
I glance at my watch, it?s now almost thirty minutes since I decided to defy the power of the coin toss and call Pizza Hut. Suddenly this stupid song from T.A.T.U, Thirty Minutes, starts running through my guilt ridden mind. Especially the part in the song that goes like:
In the moment it takes
To make plans or mistakes
Thirty minutes, a blink of an eye
Thirty minutes, to alter our lives
Thirty minutes, to make up our mind
Thirty minutes, to finally decide
I shudder and look at the coin lying next to my phone. I nod, silently admitting defeat. I shove my feet into a pair of sandals and head out the door, resigned that I will be consuming Chinese Food from my favorite restaurant for lunch.
As I?m driving the two or so miles to my favorite restaurant, that damn song keeps playing in my head, like it?s now become my theme song. (I don?t even like the song, but while surfing around Utube earlier that day, I heard it and now it?s stuck in my head, playing over and over again.)
Lunch for normal people is long over by the time I arrive at my favorite restaurant, and for a moment, I resent the fact that I can no longer order the lunch special combo deal thingy they offer. But I shake that feeling off; it?s my favorite place after all. I?ll just order the entr?e size and pig out.
While parking, I can?t decide what delicious food substance I wanted to shovel into my body.
Thirty minutes, a blink of an eye
Thirty minutes, to alter our lives
?Shut up!? I scream in the confines of my crowded mind before walking into my favorite restaurant. The last thing I want inside my head is two Russian lesbians singing emotional drivel as I eat.
As I feared, the restaurant is empty?well?almost empty. The moment I opened the door, I saw the hottest guy I?ve seen in months, with or without clothes. Oh my pancreas, if Bill Gates and Cindy Crawford would ever procreate, they could never produce a hotter nerd then I saw standing before me waiting on a To Go order. Damn, his ass was so hot it was a shame he had to sit on it.
He was tall, just a few inches taller than me. Slim, border lined skinny with untamed dark hair and glasses. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of black rimmed glasses. Can I say yum? Fucking right I can say yum.
He was wearing a Face Book T-shirt, faded blue jeans that hung a bit low on his narrow hips, sandals, and the best part, a rainbow bracelet adorned his right wrist. A fucking hot nerd, great taste in Chinese Food, and gay. Heaven!
I quickly checked myself, mentally of course, making sure my shirt was stain free, (not that kind of stains you pervert) and that my hair was perfect, carefully arranged to resemble a tumbled mess. Don?t worry, it was, I was out in public for Christ?s sake.
That?s when I realized what T-shirt I was wearing. For those of you that are curious, it?s a green T-shirt with rainbow lettering that reads, I like Geeks. ?At least he would know I was available.? I thought.
Daniel and I frequent this restaurant, so the guy behind the counter gave me a big smile and immediately asks about the whereabouts of Daniel. I reply that he?s hanging out at home, (I don?t think I could explain the concept of Daniel and I to this guy, he barely speaks English as it is and has always believed Daniel and I were a couple.) and that it was just me today.
This hot nerd, like anyone would do, looks over at me while the guy and I exchange brief pleasantries. I see him read my shirt, then I see him give me the once over. I smile, and check him out too. I look back up to his face roughly around the same time his eyes reaches my face, our eyes meet, we both smile.
Long forgotten is the guy behind the counter, the hot nerd takes a half-step towards me and says, ?Hi.?
?Hello.?
?Nice shirt.? He says, a smile on the edge of his mouth.
?Thanks.?
I won?t bore you (anymore) with the rest of the conversation; needless to say I now have a date with him Monday night. We?re going out for Sushi and Sake in the city. And I can?t wait, his name is Konstantin (probably spelled wrong) and he?s twenty-six. He works as a troubleshooter for Face Book. Yummy, think I will.
Without digressing further, I?ll sum up this post.
All day, I couldn?t decide what to eat for lunch. I waited, thought, sought advice, and ended up giving the decision over to fate IE: the coin toss. But because of a TV commercial, I almost missed out on this most fortuitous encounter with hot nerd guy. This is the proof that I promised to offer that commercials might be the reason I?m alone. Thus the founding of my new movement aimed at the destruction of all commercials on TV.
Though I?m sure some of you might argue that if I didn?t see that commercial on TV, then I would have went to my favorite restaurant thirty minutes earlier, thus missing the fortuitous encounter with hot nerd guy.
But we all know that?s bullshit. Don?t we?
Jason R.
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