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Miserable me.



Be warned: this is going to be angsty.

The back story:

There are three of us who have revolved around one another for a lot of years. M (male) - who is my partner in music, life and all; and B (female) who is my partner in life and living. I love them both unreservedly. They are my soulmates.

Because of circumstances beyond our control - and hideously high house prices - B and I moved to Wales, whilst M stayed in Sussex.

Late last month B went into hospital for a 'routine' endoscopy to remove gall stones. 3am the next morning she was in horrendous pain... an ambulance to hospital, where she has been in intensive care ever since (the endoscope tore a hole in her bowel). Yesterday, she had a Tracheostomy,  and for two hours I thought she was going to die. I've never been so scared.

Sassy, our Siamese, is as frantic as I am - in her own distinctly cat like way. She's either stuck in my lap, or yowling because I'm leaving for the hospital.

For the first ten days the hospital gave me a private room, which was a godsend: a place to sleep, yet be close on hand. Then two ancient Welsh women needed it and I've been flitting between the ICU, the car, the relatives lounge (like an uncomfortable train carriage full of miserable, sad, and often wailing humanity), and home.

I'm so, so tired. At home I feel guilty because I'm not at B's side, and when I'm at B's side all I want to do is escape.

There is a chapel in the hospital, which is non-denominational. B and M are Buddhists, I'm an agnostic atheist, and B's brother is a raving Roman Catholic. There have been a lot of people chanting and praying for her - myself included. Might as well: positive thoughts of any sort have to go somewhere, achieve something.

The consultants, doctors and nurses are wonderful, though there's always the caveat of 'she's in intensive care, which by its definition means she's gravely ill'.

Today is day 24.... B's heavily sedated as they want the tube in her throat to settle in before they wake her. I'm at home, cat on lap, feeling guilty.

Such is life.


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Oh my god, Camy.  That's dreadful.  I'm sure those here who pray will join you.  What they say about atheists and foxholes is certainly true.  I've been there myself.  

Take care of yourself.  You can't give her all you can if you're not all there yourself.

I feel impotent about helping.  You probably feel the same.


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