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Some stuff.


EleCivil

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So, a few posts ago, I mentioned how I wasn't looking forward to dressing professionally to student-teach next week. After thinking about it a bit more, I realized that I've never dressed professionally for anything in my life. Like, I don't even know how it's done. I understand the basics - pants + shirt + shoes + socks - but that's it. I don't know how to match stuff or co-ordinate colors (only that, maybe, by doing the exact opposite of what I've been doing, I might accidentally do it). And, above all else, I didn't OWN any professional clothes.

As a kid, my clothing consisted of hand-me-downs from cousins, charity-box donations, and free event t-shirts (Fifth-Third Bank Presents...4th of July Cash-Stravaganza!). From high school on, my wardrobe has consisted of a couple pairs of jeans, one hoodie, and about ten plain, black t-shirts.

So, today, for the first time in my life, I went to an actual clothing store. I felt a bit sick at first - selling out tends to do that (To quote The Simpsons, "I feel like punching myself.") - but then I noticed something. The guys kept hitting on me. That's why I've never seen that many gay dudes in Ohio - they were all hanging out in the clothing stores! I guess I missed a memo or something. But thanks to their help, I learned how to throw together a few cheap, decent-looking clothes that'll get me through a week of pretending to be one of those...what-do-you-call-'em...mature adults.

Also, a friend of mine offered to give me ten thousand dollars if I agreed to get a Tupac-style "Thug Life" tattoo. I turned him down, and he changed the offer - five thousand to get a decidedly non-Tupac-style "Teacher Life" tattoo in the same place. Once again, turned down (though it killed me to do so, because I find the idea quite amusing). I made a deal with myself long ago that I'd never get a tattoo, because I know I'm waaaay too impulsive to be doing anything that has permanent effects.

"And if you're slow on the uptake, I'll lay it out:

Hipsterism is a religion to which you gotta be devout.

You must be seen as in between unpopular and hated

Or else get excommunicated."

-"Indier than Thou" by MC Front-a-lot

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You had me laughing my guts out on that one! I can so relate. Believe it or not, I bought and used my very first 'sports jacket' at age 57. I had to use a suit once, at a technical college, but that's it. If I had a funeral to go to, I'd be wearing beige cords. My most decent clothes was official uniforms we had to wear at work, but I don't count that, cause I didn't buy it and they paid me money to wear that. Outside of that, I've 'done my own thing' and never paid any attention to either fashion trends, or social requirements. You are lucky though. When I went to get that sports jacket, it was an old dude who measured me up, and I swear he was straight. :(

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I had a suit once, many moons ago. I have a mild phobia when it comes to buying clothes - no idea why. Consequently underwear, socks, and the occasional pair of jeans, I buy, other stuff I get given; or nab off friends.

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Ah, Camy, Do you really steal underwear from your friends? :tongue: Is that some kind of British practice I've never heard of? :cry: Ele civil,Since you are new to this "adult or mature" mode of dress, I thought I'll help you out and lay it all out for you. Step by step.Number One: Upon first entering the store, preferably men's clothing store, of course you made choose whichever one best fitsyour personal tastes. For this purpose, lets pretend you pick mens clothing. :cry: Once inside the clothing store, find the cutest male employee, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, pick the employee that has the best taste in clothes. This will only lead tofeelings of inadequacy and frustration of never living up to an impossible standard. Once you find the cutest employee, wait as longas necessary for that employee to "free" up from his other customers. If he is taking a long time, puruse the rack that is advertising 50% off clothing, this will ensure no other employee will approach you as they'll think you have no money to spend and will avoid youlike the plague. Once the cutest employee is free, smile a lot and keep repeating money is no object, the clerk will see dollar signs and will do almost anything to complete the sell, even up to going into the dressing room with you to make sure the pants fit in all theright places.Number Two: Make sure, while selecting which color of suit, that not only does it match your eyes, but it will also look good crumpled on the floor of the cute clerks apartment in the morning. This is a must, do not cheap out.NUmber Three: You'll know when you've found the right suit when, all the gay men in the store stop shopping to watch you with one hand in their pants. Buy that suit, no matter how much the cost. It will be worth the money in the long run. At least I tell myself thisto justify the reason I bought a five hundred dollar suit crazy enough, this morning.Number Four: Now that you have the suit, the fun begins. The cute clerk will take you to a stage, surrounded by mirrors on three sides.He will put you in the suit to fit it to your body type. (side note, if the clerk entered the dressing room with you, wait ten minutes beforestepping on the stage to allow certain things to shrink. A lesson I learned accidentely enough, today) The cute clerk will basically gropeyou as he draws on your new suit with chalk, and though it is not necessary, he will measure your inseam, just to make sure there is ample room in the front of your trousers for certain situations should they ever arise. Number Five: Once the fitting is over, he will strip you of your now chalked suit and begin showing you different shirt and tie combinations.This is important, DO NOT settle for the first combination he shows you, even if it is the one you end up buying. The object of this game is to spend as much time with the cute clerk. Choosing the first combination only brings the ending that much sooner. Number Six: After deciding on the shirt and tie combination, now it is time for the belt. While I urge you to pick a belt that matches your shoes, it is not necessary as usually your jacket will be closed at all times makeing the belt the least important item on the list. The beltonly gives the cute clerk another reaon to stick his fingers in the waist of your pants checking if the fit is proper. Number Seven: Now comes the socks and shoes. Socks should match the suit while the shoes should accent the suit without overstating. Allow the cute clerk to slip the shoes on your feet, for those with a foot fetish this is a easy and cheap thrill that will be shared by boththe cute clerk and yourself. As it is my experience with those humans that sell mens clothing, they either secretly or openly enjoy the male figure and touching males without the pretense of sport situations, like smacking one another on the ass after a great touchdown, is replaced by concern that the wearer of the suit is most comfortable. Plain English, GAY. Not that there's anything wrong with that. :inquisitive: And lastly, Numbr Eight: No matter how cute the clerk is, no matter how excited you are to leave that suit in a crumpled mess, do notpurchase the shoe trees. For those of you who don't know, they are devices that fit into your shoe to maintain its shape. The reason behind this, is very simple, we can't all buy five hundred dollar suits every month, shoes are much more affordable. This gives you anexcuse to return to the store every few weeks under the "guise" of maintaining nice shoes for your five hundred dollar suit. Though the cute clerk knows the reason, believe me, he'll pretend right along with you. It's a win win situation. I know you're a college student, so I'll breakdown the price item by item, this will give you an idea how long you'll have to drink really cheap beer to afford this rather expensive flirting method.Suit that makes guys get hardon's: Five hundred dollarsShirt that matches your socks: Fifty-five dollarsTie to state just how powerful and sexy you really are: Thirty dollarsBelt just to give the cute clerk a chance to stick his hands in your pants: Fifty dollarsSocks that will be hidden at all times until the cute clerk secretly sniffs them: Twenty dollars(three pack)Shoes that accent the suit without overstating: One hundred ten dollarsGetting felt up in the dressing room by cute clerk: Seven hundred and sixty-five dollarsPRICES MIGHT VARY STATE TO STATE: COUPONS AND EX-BOYFRIENDS NOT ACCEPTED AS PAYMENTI hope I have been some help to you. Good luck. :icon13: Jason R.

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