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Maybe The Cause I Am A Bit Fucked Up


Jason Rimbaud

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Maybe The Cause I Am A Bit Fucked-Up

I am in the process of moving, and I found this piece I wrote when I was sixteen. To give a brief, like I could be brief, backstory,

I come from a VERY religious background. In the News and Views this week, Dude posted an article that scared me, so much so

I decided to post this piece here, on my blog. To show others how real the threat of the religious right truly is, and how the young are

brainwashed on a daily basis. This piece was herald by the private school I attended, it scares me that they bought into this piece and

made everyone in my class read it. Stating during chapel no less, that I might have been inspired by the divine one himself/herself to

write such a cautionary tale.

MY REWARD

By: Jason R.

One dark and stormy night, I died. It wasn't the first time I have died, but it would be the last. Some say that the best is always saved

for last, as it was when Jesus turned the water into wine and the wedding guests claimed the host had saved the best for last, and it was

true. I will never forget this time. NEVER.

I was lying in my bed, touching myself, as I entertained thoughts about my best friend, when my heart suddenly stopped. Instantly, I

was transported to an empty field. Each other time when I died, my earthly senses became void. Like I was so much wind floating

through the earth. Yet this time, I could hear the wind gently blowing through the tree tops, I could see the grass slightly bending over

by the subtle force of the wind, I could smell the night air, soft and rich with the promise of rain, I could feel chill in the air and I shivered.

I made a small noise in the back of my throat that reminded me of a child whimpering. All around me was calm, much like the eye of a

tornado. I could feel forces moving through the earth and I was scared out of my mind.

Without warning, my eyesight focused so that I could see even the bugs crawling along the leaves in the trees several hundred yards away.

I looked up, and much to my amazement, I actually saw the infinate of the universe as I stared into the night sky. I shook my head and

took a deep breath, filling my nostrils with a moldy, dead smell that made me lightheaded and disorientated. Instinctively I knew something

was wrong and I began running as fast as I could.

I had not gone four steps when the ground started shaking violently, falling and rising much like a rushing river, I lost my balance and fell

to the cold earth. To my horror, the trees started falling on the edge of the clearing, great massive trunks that threatened to end my life

as they crashed around me, plummenting down on the grassy field showering me with dead leaves.

In the center of the field, a chunk of earth shot up, flying through the air before landing fifty feet away. Smoke and fire exploded from the

hole causing me to choke as the tonic fumes billowed out like sheet falling on an empty bed. Rising out of the hole, clothed in fiery tones

of red and black, Satan ascended in all his horrible glory. As this supernatural being rose grandly from his earthly domain, I

was forced to my knees by the power and hate that eminated from this devourer of souls. As the figure revolved around to face me, I

shook and quivered as I hugged the charred earth. His powerful chest rose and he breathed out, a fetid smell that caused me to choke.

This supreme master of evil watched me shaking, a look of contempt on his face as he surveyed the scene. Without speaking audibly, he commended me to rise to my knees and look upon his countence. I tried to resist but the force of his will overpowered my fragile human

mind. As my eyes focused on the sight before me, I screamed out to God, because I had look upon Satan himself. Satan laughed, a sound

so vile and twisted it caused me to heave, my stomach emptying on the ground.

Again, I screamed out for God to save me. Satan stopped laughing and said with much glee in his voice that God had forsaken me. That

I had commited the unspeakable sin in my heart and that there was no forgiveness for one such as I. That God had turned his back on me

and that I would live the rest of my life serving a new master. I was informed that I would awake, and that I would live forever. Abruptly

he disappeared and I awoke in my new body. I went insane as I realized I was a swine, my reward for being a faggot.

Whether or not the writing is good, it scares me to remember how I felt back in my teens, trapped in a closet with hate surrounding me

like so much sharks waiting to devour me. It scares me to think that others, young and impressionable teens are filled with such images

every time they walk inside a church. I have not fought for gay rights, nor have I stood up for those doing so. I told myself that I did

not care about marriage, so why fight for it, I told myself that I am tough enough to hear the word faggot and not become angered. I

conditioned myself to use the word faggot, claiming humor as the reason I told "gay" jokes.

For years I have fought being gay, for years I have acted straight, so much so that people wonder if I only say I'm gay for effect. I use

to claim that I was helping the "straights" accept gays by acting like them, showing them I was "normal". Maybe in a way I was helping

along the ideas that its a disease that can be cured. My god, what have I done?

I think its time to be different, show them that I'm willing to fight for all basic rights. If we spend even a tenth of time on fighting for gay

rights as we do fighting for the next piece of ass, what a difference we might be able to make. Chilling thoughts from me tonight.

Jason R.

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Don't get trapped into believing you need to fight for rights. Just live the rights. I'm not very familiar with the Black Rights movement in the USA, but wasn't there a lady who refused to sit at the back of the bus? She didn't fight, clamor, scream, and shout, she just lived her right. When others visit upon you THEIR demands, then stand up for your rights, but don't take the fight to them, unless you really are prepared to be a front-line soldier. Awareness is brought about by the fight, but it also polarizes sides even more. Change is brought about by simply doing, making it clear that you've already got those rights. (Obviously if there are legal changes needed, that needs to be fought, but on a political level.)

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