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Josiah Jacobus-Parker

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Everything posted by Josiah Jacobus-Parker

  1. Yes, I am alive! No, there is not a new chapter yet! I know, I suck. I'm sorry. I'm just stopping by briefly, in part because of the swathe of emails I've received in the last few months asking when the next chapter will be ready, if I'm continuing the story, did I die, where was I buried, was the service nice? etc etc. I felt guilty about taking so long to reply to each of them and about leaving everyone in the lurch-- I don't think even The Dude knew where I had disappeared to. So here's what's up: Since Winter Break, college life has been utterly hectic, now with two jobs, an extra class, and a weekly Writer's Workshop. In addition, this is the semester I 'Moderate' into my Major. Naive as I am, I decided I wanted to moderate into two majors (ie, double major), AND do it all early, ahead of the usual date. Which basically means I've had no time what-so-ever to work on continuing The Kept, and have barely even been on AD in weeks and weeks. It's awful I know. Such great company, how could I possible stay away? Well, to make matters worse, the internet has cut out in my room, so I now live in a small den on the top floor of the library, hidden away between bookshelves and dusty Hannah Arendt tomes (ok, not really. I don't sleep there and there's only one pillow there, but others do know I've staked the space out as mine). On the bright side though, in a matter of weeks, Moderation will be over. My moderation boards will have either decided to allow me to moderate, or told me to wait and try again next semester. I'm hoping for the first, because I do NOT want to go through this all again if I can help it. What that does mean though, is that after Spring Break, one way or another, I should be able to get back to writing and continuing the story where I left off. I definitely do intend to continue with The Kept, and I wish I could give a date when I thought the next chapter will be ready, but right now, all bets are off. Sorry again for being so absent and leaving you in the lurch! Hope you are all well and not too many of you are wishing me grievous bodily harm. Best regards, -JJP
  2. I still feel like money would be better spent providing essential things like, oh I don't know... clean water, clean and nutritious food, medical supplies and long-term housing and shelter. But it?s a lot easier for the West to look at poor countries and think ?Oh, the poor things. Lets give them technology like ours and they?ll be just fine. Because we can?t really do anything about their living conditions?that?s what their governments are for, after all.? Honestly, great, at least we?re doing something. And I see that there will be pay-offs if this works out?better education, which will lead to better employment opportunities, and thus better socio-economic status eventually. But One Laptop Per Child isn?t quite the same as No More Infant Deaths From Poverty and Poor Living Conditions. I can?t help but think that these laptop are going to go to the children who can manage to go to schools with uniforms, and state-run academies, and not reach out to the children dying from dysentery, HIV, TB, or the many other illnesses that are rife in third-world countries.
  3. I'm refusing to vote until you add the politically correct "Prefer not to answer" option. Which is doubly amusing because it is in itself an answer, and because you know you're helping to screw up any official data results that may come from it.
  4. Seriously? JT is an antiboner? I gotta admit, I think he's pretty hot. Ok, maybe not. He's kind of cute in a scruffy puppy kind of way and he doesnt turn me on, but I did like several songs off his latest album, and as hetero as JT & 50 Cent's song with Timbaland is, I kinda like A'yo Technology. There's this hot scene in the music video where JT is on one side of the door and a girl is on the other and they're pretty much having sex through the door. And then they're both on once side and not kissing, but almost, in that sort-of pre-kiss waiting moment that makes you shiver and your neck ache and your lips almost hurt because it's not quite there, but almost and then-- Ahem. Where was I? Right. JT. The Shrek-ified version is kind of floppy, droopy, lame looking. Doesn't really do it for me.
  5. That movie left me totally disquieted and... unsure. There was a LOT of misogyny and sexism and some scenes/lines that made me feel pretty uncomfortable to be a man. But I'm also pretty sure that was the point. That scene you mention, with the killing and the screwing and the screwing while killing and the more killing and the orgasm--that was really... weird. Yeah, I'm not sure how to talk about all that. But he seems to be a pretty good shooter (Ironically, the title of another movie with a hot male lead and lots of guns. Unfortunately, though, not such a good film.). I should mention also that Steve Buttz and No-name Buttkiss may have had their names altered in an effort to protect identity out of sheer politeness. Their emails may also have been reworded to create a more general, and less targeted, effect of frustrating emails. Although it is my personal suspicion that Mr. Buttz and Buttkiss may in fact be kissing cousins. Or at least plain ass-kissers.
  6. p.s. Sorry if this is in the wrong place. I didn't really know where else to put it.
  7. OK, I don't know if the individuals who emailed me even browse the forums, but on the off chance that they do, I'm going to fling this out and just go on record for saying this. Perhaps some other authors on this site and the many others, have received emails similar to this: Hey, great story so far--when are they going to have sex? Thanks Steve Buttz or: How come your story doesn't deal with AIDS or HIV? Aren't you meant to be gay? No-name Buttkiss So here's why. Gratuitous, promiscuous sex, drug abuse, and HIV are not part of my life as a gay man. I'm not saying they don't exist, and I'm not saying that they aren't serious issues that seriously need to be dealt with. (Seriously). Because they are. But they're just not issues that I've had to deal with in my experiences of being a gay man. I don't want to write about them. I don't want any part in propagating those stereotypes about gay culture, that we all go home with a different man each night (if only one), do poppers, shoot up, fuck, and then get HIV and spread it as we repeat our nightly routine (thanks the 80's, you've given us so much). I don't want to write a 'cheap fuck-read' (or should it be 'cheap-fuck read'?). If you're looking for a story dripping with sex, don't read my stories. You won't find it. Sure, there'll be the occasional sex scene. But there wont always be, and I don't feel bad about that. I don't feel there needs to be. I haven't written about an HIV+ character in any of my stories because well, what could I draw from? I don't know anyone who's positive. I don't know what it's like to live with AIDS. Until I have even a glimmer of what that kind of life is like, I'm not going to be arrogant enough to try to write about it. I feel there's so much more to gay life and gay culture than those three tropes. I'm one of those people who hates writing sentences like that even. What is 'gay life'? I have sex with men. Yeah, I guess that does make me a homosexual. But so what? I'm not sure how very different my life would be if I were straight. And yes, before you start, I am aware of how lucky I am of that fact, to enjoy that kind of an environment, and yes, I recognize that not everyone else does. But I'm not going to write about that and pretend I can give it even an ounce of authenticity. I can't, and I'm not going to try. Basically, this is what I'm trying to say; if you want a story filled with gay sex, people who do drugs, or people who suffer through HIV, don't read my stories. You won't find what you're looking for. But above all, don't email me asking where these elements are. I don't care if they were part of your experience of being gay. What the hell gives you the right to assume everyone's experience is that way? Why the hell can't there be more than one 'gay life' or 'gay experience'? Asking where's the sex already is neither constructive, nor criticism. Don't tell an author what should be in their story. It's THEIR story. It's their baby. Don't fuck with it. Right. Now that that's clear, have a chipper day.
  8. You write beautifully, and you have a 'spell-binding' name.

    Hold onto both!

    best regards,

    A.

  9. I'm Sorry, I can't forget There’s nothing I want more right now than to be with you. But I don’t think that can ever happen again We’ve both said things We’ve both burnt bridges And I don’t know if they can be re-built this time. Maybe I didn’t appreciate you until you were gone. Maybe it does take this much to make you think How much people mean. I want to argue That I ended it before, fast and quick so it didn’t drag on That what you’ve done, slowly driving the blade deeper each day Is worse. But it’s not. They’re both the same. You asked why I didn’t care this much before. I did I did. But I couldn’t give you what you wanted, needed. I could have—should have made the effort But I didn’t want it to be an effort. I wanted that sharp pain of separation, that warm flutter of return That blissful knowing that nothing could be better. But every time we were… something started Creeping in. That taint of knowing that it would end. That you or I would have to go, and with it all those feelings. Every time it was a gamble, when we’d have them again. So I’d start to detach, little by little. Get colder and colder, so that when it happened It wouldn't be such a shock to feel you gone. When you asked me, and I said “I love you. But I don’t know if I’m in love with you still,” It was true, I didn’t know. But that was my way of saying Help me find out, don’t leave me wondering if I do Or if I don’t. You should know, it’s the things I love most That I treat the worst. I hurt them, I tease them, I ignore them. I push the limits until it snaps, and then I think I know Ah, that’s how much they love me back. It’s destructive and stupid, I know. But how much of me ever made sense? You’re trying to move on, I’m trying to move on Trying But not really. Every time we talk, I can’t help but think Of all those things he’ll do for you That I once did instead Of all those things you’ll do for him That you once did for me. You’re a cunt for moving on so quickly, and The way you did, right in front of me I’m a cunt for cutting you out. And the truth is, I know you were just trying To bury your feelings in something else To take the edge off, take the pain away But you should know by now, when I get hurt I turn away. I cut things out. I don’t let the pain keep coming. You self-destruct and I lash out. Yes, I wanted to upset you. But I also wanted you to know I still felt strongly enough to wish those punishments on you. I wanted to upset you. I wanted you to feel Every ounce of what I was feeling In my ignorance, my stupidity, I never thought That you already had For weeks. I said I cut you out— It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right —But I couldn’t keep seeing you with him Not while I still felt such a longing for you Not while all I thought about at night Was that if you were here, we could make this all better Not while I wanted to be the only one To ever be for you. I cut you out so I wouldn’t have to watch. I thought maybe, I could cut the pain away If only I went to the source. I don’t let the pain keep coming. But it does. You’ve infected me to the point That flights of fancy, Rings of thought, Half-contemplated suicides Creep into me at every hour. I wanted a coma, so you’d feel bad So you’d rush to me and I’d wake up for you. But it didn’t come. I’m too afraid of pills or blades, too afraid for jumping And well… meditation didn’t do more than lead to naps. I took to praying the other night That you’d be happy, taken care of Just as long as you were safe. I wanted to be the better man and say “As long as he’s happy this way” But I’m not. I’m not the better man, and I don’t want you happy that way I want you to be happy my way, with me. Your heart was never enough I needed you as well. You said that wasn’t helpful to you And it’s not helpful to me But I keep feeling it Every day. So until I stop, I have to cut you out. I don’t want to do it. I want to talk And more. So much more. Maybe someday you’ll forgive me Although I realize, probably not. And you’re right, We’ve both said things That can never now be forgot. I’m sorry.
  10. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK8yHFqLaPI I'm pretty sure this isn't in all seriousness. But I thought it warranted a chuckle.
  11. Since finishing the 7th HP, I've run across two reviews which seemed to, well... have a "magic" touch. The first is more of a parody of the book itself, and appeared in the Guardian newspaper http://books.guardian.co.uk/digestedread/s...2133299,00.html The other appeared in the New York Times and was written by a man who has the curious ability to make me want to punch him in the face half the time, and whole-heartedly agree with him the other half: Christopher Hitchens. I happen to be of the latter opinion on this particular subject. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/12/books/re...mp;em=&en=2
  12. as much as i think he was a horrible person, i wouldn't wish death or hell on anyone... Frankly, the fact that he died still so respected by many right-wingers is more bothersome. My wish is that he'd been exposed in some scandal or discredited in some way before his death. That said though, I'm counting down the days on Fred Phelps.
  13. Today is the DAY OF SILENCE. Start Time: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 at 12:00am End Time: Thursday, April 19, 2007 at 12:00am Location: EVERYWHERE The Day of Silence is an annual youth-led protest of discrimination, prejudice and bullying in schools. Individuals are encouraged to take a vow of silence for the day in order to echo the voices of those who have been silenced because of their sexuality, gender identity or difference. Here's a youtube video about the history of the Day of Silence: feel free to take part, even if you're not a student.
  14. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP79baPnZFk thank you Boston Legal!
  15. I don't believe I ever saw this questionable question asked... and I think the Dude gave you the go-ahead. So now I'm itching to know... what was it?
  16. There never seems to be an actual lid, just one of those 'U' shaped bits to lift or lower. It's just the noise and the suddent rush of air being sucked out, and the more I do it on one flight, the longer it seems to take for the hatch to close again. Or maybe that's just the paranoia. I remember at summer camp once, a girl went into the outhouse and then came out screaming a minute later. She'd heard something splashing below and looked down to see a snake had somehow gotten into the pit. Talk about toilet trauma!
  17. We actually tried once and one of the flight attendants stopped us. He was a gay guy, so he was pretty nice about it, but said he couldn't let us. And other times we've been too apheared of the large and potentially homophobic men standing in line behind us to go through with it. Growing up in the 90's where the WORST thing you could be as a kid was 'gay', I'm still not really over it/comfortable with being out in general public. Except at college, there i think it would be fine for me to walk around hand in hand with my boyfriend. Or when I'm drunk. Apparently I get really overtly sexual when i'm drunk and um... well. Let's just say I've been horrified to find out what I did the night before on more than one occasion. She already knew we were dating/having sex, so it wasn't THAT much of a shock. But yeah, she's pretty awesome. Although sometimes I get the sense that she just wishes I weren't still. I guess she's still trying to come to terms with it, but she'd never get angry or yell at us or anything. It's more just painfullly embarrasing. Like the night of my 19th birthday when we decided that the bed might make too much noise, so we'd do it on the floor instead. And then the next morning over breakfast my mom tells me, "I understand it was your birthday, but I don't appreciate hearing you two humping like rabbits at three in the morning." I didn't eat much in the end. >.< Fortunately, 5'10" is exactly the height I need. I get to rest my head on the ceiling while i take a leak. How many places offer THAT? The worst though, is when you're in the bathroom and you hit turbulence. Things can get pretty tricky. Also, am I the only one who is absolutely terrified of airplane toilets when they flush?
  18. So, this is where it turns out that this little author, was actually something of a little slut in his earlier days. Looking back, I'm actually a little shocked that I got that much action... but. Well. Now-a-days, I'm much more selective in my furtive activities. Here goes my embarrasing list: Pre-school, inside the tire fort in the playground with another boy. Pre-school, at the top of the castle in the playground, this time with a girl. You know, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Second Grade, in the bathroom with four boys in one cubicle. Third Grade, next to the Iguana cage with a friend. Third Grade, with a friend in his bedroom watching a documentary about sex ed. We were ALMOST caught by his mom. On a friend's couch, with two guys (we were all doing one another) under the blanket. I was the only one who knew it was all three of us. The back-seat of the car under a blanket. The lower, forward, storage room of a yacht. An empty locker-room. Ok, actually, that was sex with my boyfriend, does that count? An empty foot-ball field. There was a sexual repeat here a year later. Camping in a tent. Actually, there were three of those. Two with other boys. My year-Ten, and then year-Eleven studies at my then school. With another boy. They were small rooms you shared with 3 or 4 other boys to put your books and stuff in during the day. The bathroom on an Air-plane. Sadly, I'm still only a solo Mile-High member. It's surprsingly difficult to find enough privacy on a long-haul flight to smuggle a second into the bathroom without a lot of people noticing. A hammock on my balcony. This is perhaps the most painful one to remember. The boyfriend and I were just getting into things when my mother comes up the stairs with a tray of tea. Stupidly, I'd left the door open because it was hot and no one was home. I don't think she could see anything other then the fact that we didn't have clothes on, but she simply said, "Oh. I'll just leave this here at the top of the stairs then." After that, we pretty much lost interest for the time being. The back row of a movie theatre at 2 in the afternoon. That was me and the boyfriend again. We went to see the new Amityville Horror when we both had a free afternoon. We were the only ones in the theatre, so we decided to have some fun. Then people started dying. Believe me, the maiming REALLY kills the horny. I finished the film curled in a ball on my seat, peeking between my knees. Other activities were not finished. --- Those are the ones that stand out in my mind at any rate. Although I know there were others, I can't really remember them. ::Ahem:: Anyway, enough self-embarrasment for one day.
  19. I've just gotta' post my own two cents, because I know I've broken a few of these, and maybe im going to try to offer some excuses which won't really cover my ass, but i'll try anyway. I'll also try not to use any more annoying, run-on sentences. Well, ok, maybe a few. I'm ashamed to say I did the personal Ad thing in The Angel. Im not going to ask to be excused. I was never happy with it. But I was 16, and originally it was going to be an 8 chapter sex story for Nifty. If I remember, sex ended up not happening until chapter 21, and even then, I kind of wanted to take it out (part of me still wants to). Never done Collision, never done the Dead Parents thing either. Actually, that last part's not true. I started writing a story, which I intend to continue at some point, where the main character's parents are dead. I promise though, I was going to try to do it in a non-clich? way, where they didn't leave him zonks of money or independence. I tried to base The Angel around places I knew or had at least been to AND I HAD SNOW TOO! The Kept, which is just starting now, IS set in California--LA to be precise-- but there wont be beach scenes. Richie Rich, I did with The Angel. I don't think it really worked, because I don't really know that lifestyle. On the other hand... the story kind of called for it. my private jury is still out on this one, but yours might not be. Nick asks how many college students you know don't have jobs. Well, actually, a lot of them. It can be pretty tough to get a job on campus if you're not a scholarship student, and if your campus isnt in a town or city, it can be nigh impossible to get a job off-campus either. It just means people work during the summer and save up, or learn not to be extravagant and budget their lives accordingly. I don't know if you can call what I do a job. I work eight hours a week in a student-cafe for minimum wage. I'm not going to pay off my student loans with it, but it means I dont have to ask my parents for allowence or spending money or whatever. But there WILL always be those kids from hideously rich families that go into NYC every weekend and shop at D&G and party with Paris Hilton. And yes, most people think they're spoilt brats. Feelings... i think I did. Not really sure. It certianly wasn't all the time, and pretty much just happened at the points where shit was going down. This Names bit kind of ticked me off actually. I have a biblical name. Josiah is hardly a common one, so I put up my two fingers to him on this one. Also, I know a Justin, a Tyler, a Brad, a Roland, a Tobias (and a Tobey), a Casey, several Noah's (including my nephew), an Eli, a Jonah, a Hunter, and a Taylor. Don't even get me started on girl's names, with people like Elysia (say it like El-ee-sha), Winter--wait, I said don't get me started, so I won't. Straight--- Well, there was Scott, but that was more meant to be prompted by Jason producing freakishly large amounts of hormones and making people around him go sex crazy, because Azreal was fucking with him (The Angel). And well, you know what they say... once you go gay, you're there to stay. Ok, not really, but it was only fair on Drew if he got a hottie too. Scott/Drew might aslo have counted as sports-nerd love thing, but it started out more from their mutual attraction to Jason and from convenience before it developed. Moving IS traumatic. But I've done it at least seven times, so I'm pretty much used to it and don't really think of it as a traumatic experience. Nix that. Ok, we're going to have a pretty personal moment here. I'll probably never forgive my mom for making us move to the UK in 2000. I left behind a lot of very close friends, some of whom I've since lost touch with. On the other hand though, I'm not sure I can ever thank her enough for it. I dont know where I would have gone once I finished the middle school I was at (the Ithaca High School isn't really a great place for a gay kid like me. My sister tried it for 6 months and then went to a boarding school), and living in England has exposed me to a lot of things that I would never have otherwise experienced. I'm actually really thankful for the six years I got in the UK. Where was this going? Oh yeah, Moving. Right. Ummm it can be a good thing if suck it up and actually explore the new place you live in. Dialogue #1 & #2. Seriously? Seriously? I think if I did either of those, I would cut my own hands off to keep me from ever putting pen to paper and violating the English language so. Dialogue #3: I totally say 'Gee.' Granted, most of the time it's in irony or sarcasm. But I say it. Superheroes: What if the story is ABOUT a superhero or superhero-type individual? Ok, so no-one's perfect, and I think Jason was a pretty 2-D character as they go. But it was early days and I'm trying to move past it now. I'm with him on smilies. WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD YOU USE THEM? If you're writing to convey emotion, the least functional tool is smilies. If you want to write to the reader, or let them in on a secret from the author, work it in somehow so it's subtle and doesn't make you feel like your chatting to a twelve-year-old on MSN. it's not cute or funny to use them. It's patronising. Never have, never will do the alarm clock. I hate them with a vengence, and so they will never feature in my stories, unless someone is burning them or beating them with hammers. And it's true that most schools use sirens or beeps now. Reeaaally not sure which is worse, because they can be pretty grating. Switching Narrators: I have only seen this done well once, and that was in a book where the two main characters traded off perspective every chapter, but without covering the same time-frame. It worked. Just. Hospital Bedside scene: There was a fair amount of this in the last few chapters of The Angel, but no crying over bedsides, it was more a drawn out, nine-months, Jason-is-in-a-coma-but-might-actually-be-just-insane-and-no-one-really-knows-which kind of thing. Details: there is a fine fine line between too much and not enough. But don't give detail where it doesnt need to be. If I'm getting detailed, it's usually about surroundings becuase I have a picture in my head that I need to translate to paper, and just wouldnt make sense if there weren't details. Even so, the best thing to do is let people fill in bits for themselves. Give them an over-all picutre, or a rough outline with just enough description so that they know what you're trying to convey. PFLAG: This is an issue that's really hard to cover unless you've had a particular experinece. I wouldn't know how to write a homophobic parent well. I just wouldn't. My dad walked in on me and my then boyfriend cuddling in bed. The only thing he said was to my mom which was "I think Josiah and Law are having a relationship." We've never really talked about it, I think he just accepted it and we both got on with our lives. My mom seems to have accepted it on the grounds that, she realises it's not a phase, but secretly, she might still wish it was. Possibly because she thinks life would be easier for me if I wasn't gay. She wanted to psychoanalyse me more than anything and try to understand being gay. Which can be kind of overbearing sometimes. When my mom told my sister her reaction was apparently "Joey's gay? Cool. Thank god at least SOMEONE in this family is." And we've since had several conversations about being gay in college and her gay friends and what being gay means in the UK and US. It's nice. My family was accepting, so that's really all I'd know how to write. Granted, I haven't told my pretty-old-fashioned, Christian aunt, who doesn't like that I'm Agnostic, but well... I don't think she'd really make a big deal out of it, even if she didnt agree with it. Finally Facts: I try to check every fact with research. If I'm not sure about it, I don't use it, or I make the reference so vague that it's not a fact, cannot be linked to a fact, or really doesn't matter. A warning though to those useing Wikipedia: yes, it is an amazing source of information, but take it with a grain of salt. It's put together by the internet community, and moderated by the internet community. There's a lot that Wikipedia cliams that really is just bull. It's a good source for rough information, but if you're going to do the proper research, nothing beats solid books--except for comparing a wide range of solid books. And that pretty much sums up what I thought was going to be a quickie but turned out to be obscenely long. Oops.
  20. I'm pretty sure that's not a dude actually... Which makes the bulge in her pants even more worrysome. Maybe she has one of those IED's in her pants to surprise any homo who mistakes her for a man and tries to get in her pants... It seems she'll only have luck with the blind ones though, as her boobs are a little bit of a give away. That and her va-jay-jay. As for the one on the right... if that is a guy, then he's just about the most effeminite phobe I've ever seen. He might think about tallying up his own "male values" before launching into a tirade. On that note, I really want to see this photoshopped to show those two Bel Ami angels doing each other on the ground in front of them. There's nothing quite like a littel devine comedy.
  21. Sadly, I have yet to know him in a biblical sense. In fact, the most body contact I've had with him is frequent inebriated hugs, his hand on my thigh while he was teaching me how to roll a joint, and him feeling my pecs. And by "but instead i made an ass of myself / drunka t his window", I mean, he started getting changed, took off his shirt, started undoing his pants, and then I fell backwards out of his window with a little bit of a scream. I have a welt on my hip today. I would NOT complain. Really, I wouldn't. I'm having a hard time adjusting to this crazy drinking age over here. 21! what the freak is with that?
  22. ... ...my head hurts. it feels like something crawled down my throat and died. Half of those lines which I was sure rhymed last night, now don't. I have to clean up my room before parents weekend starts, which includes the bottles of vodka, underwear, someone else's laptop, boxes of pillow stuffing, eviscerated magazines, clothes, beer cans, etc. that now litter my floor. The worst part is? I already cleaned my room to spotlessness yesterday. God damn.
  23. I'm not crying i'm, just drunk I love dan and he's a hunk what should I do in my drunken state? What should I do to get my mate? He's so hot and he's so fine I am drunk on vodka nad wine. he took his shirt off in front of me i almost shoted "DAN, DO ME" but instead i made an ass of myself drunka t his window how can i mend this? what rhymes with window? I cant spell because im really drtunk drunk without a t clunk drunk skunk. I think im going to regret this in the morning, but it makes sense now, not to heed my own warning. maybe he likes me, actually, i know he does. But he's still a virgin and figuring out what is waz. He;s really special and really funny too i made him a mix cd i slipped under his dooor. zi dont think he knows it was me but i dont really care because i really like him even his facial hair. *heee heee* vodka is this antichrist, and I'm basically his pope right now. that makes me feel wickide dpowerfil in all sorts of 9innnapporriate wayess.
  24. Dear Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Long time no see! And I see you brought your friends, Sore Misshapen Fingers And Fucking Exhausted Eyeballs. Come in, come in! Shooting Pains Above Right Eyebrow Is down in the lounge. It's a bit of a mess because Decreased Motor Function paid a visit (what a joker). Now, I'm afraid I don't have enough beds for all of us, But that's okay because Raging Insomnia Complicated By Increased Caffeine Dependency Is staying over too. Now then, settle down, settle down, Make yourselves at home for the next four years, And I'll go make sure Increasingly Frequent Homicidal Urges Doesn't block my neighbor's driveway. Sincerely, Sufferer A Reply: Dear Fellow Sufferer, I fear this letter will not make it, As Carpal Tunnel is extremely possessive. When he visited me, He bitched about my good friends Wrist Splint And Ibuprofen for hours. He wanted to be alone with me, With no one else involved. I told him that I wasn't ready For that kind of commitment. He went ballistic! He warned me that he'd be around 4-6 weeks, And wanted something long term. What a loser. I?m so not into him. After two weeks of following me everywhere I went, He said, "Boy, it's either me or Wrist Splint." Unsurprisingly, I chose Wrist Splint, And he took a HIKE. Haven't seen him for a year now. Please don't give him my number. He is one companion I am happier without Sincerely, Recovering.
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