larkin
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I do not fault the criticism and perhaps I agree, but when I sit down to write a creative piece, I do not say to myself, "I am going to write something uplifting."
I added the comment because I thought the salty language was stopping people from continuing but I suppose it didn't get any better as the short story progressed.
I consider this a writers site and a place where we can experiment with different forms and ideas and put them up for criticism drawing negative or positive comments. I can accept that.
There is virtue in experimentation and more to be gained from a failed attempt than a success.
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Cole, thanks for the comment but what can I do, Dystopian is my middle name?
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I'm sorry, wolves do not always use polite language.. just the way it is..
Ruk is describing the tyranny of the alpha wolf that drives the young males away.. The outcast males turn out to be no better.
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This not a furry, it is a parable.
RUK AND SAMMY
A hard rite of passageby Larkin
The two young wolves sat together on a hill overlooking the rest of the pack. They were still in their first year. Sammy looked at Ruk's bit ear. It was getting infected. He came close and licked it. Ruk appreciated the attention and was grateful for his friend's devotion.
Ruk said, "All's I have to do is look at any of those bitches and Big Daddy comes after me like he's gonna kill me. All day long he fucks them and at night they help him hunt. He won't share them with anyone. Remember My Uncle Jasper? Well he's gone too. He went to join the Outsiders."
Sammy cocked his head. "Outsiders?"
Ruk continued. "Yeah, that's where Jasper went. A soon as any of us males gets old enough to start getting a knot for cunt and we can't keep our cock sheathed, Big Daddy drives us away. He tried to kill me and if you go back he'll do the same to you."
Sammy looked down and in the distance he could see the Head wolf humping a bitch. Big Daddy was smelly and mean. He wanted everything for himself. Ruk told him that Big Daddy was an asshole.
Ruk looked at Sammy. "You think we could kill him?"
Sammy wasn't nearly as brave as Ruk. He could see that Sammy wouldn't be reliable in a fight but he didn't hold it against him.
Sammy asked. "Where are the Outsiders?"
"That's the pack that shadows Big Daddy waiting for him to falter. It's all our brothers that were driven out. Jasper is with them now."Sammy asked again. "Yeah, but where?"
Ruk sniffed the ground and then scanned the horizon. "They are never very far and they are always just out of sight. I can tell that they were here last night. We have to get out of sight of Big Daddy's pack and run a circle around it. The outsiders will be somewhere along that circle. If Big Daddy moved, they move."
He continued.
"The thing that pisses me off is that if one of the Outsiders sneaks in to get a female, they squeal on him and he has to run like a criminal. I guess they like that smelly old dog"
Without warning, Ruk hopped up and pinned a field mouse.
He looked into mouse's beady black eyes and said, "Sorry."
With that, he bit off the head and forequarters. Ruk left the hind quarters for Sammy.
The poor mouse's destiny was now split between the two wolves stomachs.
Ruk looked at Sammy and said,
"Why don't you and me join the Outsiders? I know we can find them."
Sammy thought about it but he was so dominated by Ruk that his answer was assured. Tails high, they headed away from Big Daddy's pack and into the forest. The two young wolves were deep in the forest when the sun began to set. A large owl peered down at them from high in a tree. It had a mouse in its talons.
Ruk looked up and said. "Go fuck yourself!"
On this night, there was no moon so even for wolves it was dark. Sammy was shaking.
Ruk came up to him, "What's the matter with you?"
Sammy's voice was strange. "I'm lonely and I miss playing with the puppies."
Ruk acted exasperated. "Well we can't go back now!"
Suddenly they both heard it. Then they heard it from the other side. Whatever it was it was surrounding them. Then there was a growl and it was multiplied several times over. A large, mean and angry wolf snarled and came forward. Both Ruk and Sammy's tails curled under their hind quarters in fear and dread. Another and another wolf came forward and they looked just as angry. It was the Outsider pack.
The head wolf spoke. "Aren't you pups a little young to be running from Big Daddy. Don't you know all's you have is lie on your back and show him your pecker?"
Other wolves were causing a commotion behind them. The scent of wolf urine hung in the air. Both Sammy and Ruk kept turning around trying to face their attackers but they were too many. Even Ruk was paralyzed with fear. Fights among the other wolves broke out but the focus was on Sammy and Ruk. Two wolves trapped Sammy in place and he was mounted by a third. Ruk's identical fate swiftly followed. The pain of what was happening didn't hurt Ruk as much as hearing Sammy's high pitch cries.
In the dark forest, the horrible sounds of yelps and howls caused all other animals to flee. It seemed to go on forever and then, it just ended.
The scene of the two young wolves lying separately on the forest floor looked ghastly in the grey morning light. Ruk was awakened by a sniffing snout by his ear. He looked up and it was his Uncle Jasper.
He spoke to Ruk. "I tried to stop it but I couldn't so I stayed away until it was over. Hackles kept saying "It is written." I still don't know what that means. He said that this had to happen if you are to join us. He said that next time you have to fight back."
Ruk lifted his head and softly said, "Who is Hackles?"
Jasper answered him. "That's the head wolf. He says that when we kill Big Daddy he will be in charge of the females. Listen, Ruk, you're alright now, the pack will accept you."
With great difficulty, Ruk got to his feet. His gate was uneven and shaky. He almost fell but he was determined to go over to Sammy. He looked asleep. Ruk licked his face. It was cold. He lay down next to him but could not get the warm he was accustomed of getting from Sammy. He knew that Sammy was dead.
Ruk mourned Sammy and the cold settled into his heart. He thought about Big Daddy's pack where he was born and he thought about the cruelty of the Outsiders. Then he looked up and saw Jasper, waiting. Ruk turned away and went even deeper into the forest.
Jasper called to him. "Hey, come on, let's go."
Ruk breifly looked back but kept going.
On this day, Ruk had become a lone wolf. -
Their press releases are sure to lay the blame somewhere else but this has been the corporate model for the last 20 years.
Wall street pressures any and all corporations to export as many jobs abroad as possible to boost stock prices but the gains are short term and ultimately it erodes the lives of the very people that helped make Disney and other corporate entities what they are today. Now they are cutting us loose. We should also be reminded that it is these corporations are running the country.
Disney's history is also not good. During the late 50's and early 60's Disney's biggest child star, Tommy Kirk was discovered to be homosexual. In spite of him being under contract, Walt Disney called him into his office and fired him on the spot. Finding himself in a bind he called Kirk back to finish one more project and then dismissed him.
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Even though "The Road" was 3rd person, I did sense that it was from the father's protective point of view. I agree that it is a grim tale, not for everyone but I considered it fine writing.
Third person limited? Does that mean 3rd person but from a singular point of view rather than universal? The is no confusing the voice being that of the boy..
I wish I could, but I cannot emulate that style. I will reorganize go with something more manageable.
Anyway, I thought that this was a constructive chat and I hope I haven't been a pest...
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I hesitate to tell my story anymore than I already have because it tends to kill it if recounted too many times, but I can tell you a book that had influenced me.
Cormack McCarthy's, "The Road" appears to be just another apocalyptic tale about the end of the world with few survivors and those left have resorted to cannibalism.
But,..It isn't really about the apocalypse. It's about a father's desperate effort to keep his son alive. I went back between posts to go over what I had already read. The story is told from 3rd person omniscient point of view that is practically poetry and, unless I am misinterpreting it, is all tell and no show... The character dialog is spare, economical and secondary to the narration.
It is as if the omniscient voice is watching over the characters. This is a tall order and well beyond my skills but I am impressed by it.
I do think that you know what I mean when I say that my omniscient voice was trampling all over everything.. I really don't want to do that. A first chapter sets the tone for everything.. I will try again.
Maybe I'll take Cole's advice and re-think the approach. Anyone who uses a golden retriever as an avatar must be a trustworthy soul.
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Where else could I have gone to get such great advice?
I usually start with no story, but this is an effort to extend and flesh out an old story where I know most of the elements.
From Rutabaga: The problem, quite bluntly, is that the reader doesn't care about the back-story -- any of it -- when there's no context for it. Describing the "before" time when everything is fine (known as "happy people in Happy Land") is simply not very engaging for a reader to start out with. The reader doesn't know what information will be important, or why they should bother to learn it. They don't have any stakes in any of the characters or the status of Happy Land at this time. It brings back memories of history lessons at school. The risk is that you will lose the reader before anything of importance actually happens in the story.I think my first mistake is using back-story as character description.
The main character is already in crisis (family divorce and break-up) leading up to an external apocalyptic calamity that paradoxically liberates him from his past life.
When the smoke clears, the character is presented with a completely new set of survival oriented problems and then ventures out into the main odyssey.
This is the approach that I have seen dozens of times in film.
So instead of that, you are suggesting, apocalyptic event first, survival odyssey second and stick the back story here and there in the form of internal asides or behaviors?
Thank God for the word processor!
Cole, changing the point of view can make all the difference but in my old story, there are structural issues. There are 3 main characters that do not always act in a unit and a few sub-plots that separate them. Perhaps I should re-read Cormack McCarthy's grim but beautifully written book, "The Road" and see how he did it. However since I must re-write anyway, I will consider both.
Thank you again. I had the terrible feeling that my 3rd person, omniscient voice was acting as a puppet master, orchestrating everything and this is not good and once started I couldn't break out of it.
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Thank you Cole. I much prefer to writing in first person, I find it easier and more enjoyable to write but in this story, the initial character is not necessarily the main character and the action shifts to other characters from time to time which will not work for first person.
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Just so you know.. In an effort to tame my work for the PTA and re-write a piece that has some virtue without sex scenes, one per chapter.. requires deeper and more careful writing.
Where I used to write 5 pages a day, now I am writing 1. Rutabaga, you are so kind to take the time to comment in such detail. I really appreciate it.
In regards to Star Trek, we all know beforehand what happens when someone goes into the transporter room, Similarly there are many pictures associated with the idea of government forces that do not need explaining.
My problem is that in an apocalyptic event, (imagine a bomb going off) everything gets turned upside down in an instant and the main character is, alone, and not talking much.
Yes, I have rationed out the info, exposing it when needed but I still have the 3rd person narrator guiding the story and even with the introduction of temporary or secondary characters, I can't get out of the narrator's voice.
I don't have that problem with first person because they usually won't shut-up but this is a 3rd person story.
I think that your recommendations are good and I am not beyond rethinking my approach. What I've done so far was start out with character's back-story leading up to the calamity. Perhaps his back story is better slipped in here and there after the calamity?
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Ok all you "show, don't tell" folks,
I get it.
You paint a scene by having the characters interact with it instead of describing the set and setting in explanatory form.
In most writing, the set and setting is predictable except for the specifics, you're in a city or by the seashore, you're in a house or an apartment. These things can be revealed off-handedly, through dialog.
This is a re-write done in 3rd person. What I am finding difficult is in a genre like Sifi where the world or the universe is profoundly changed and small details must be part of the description. My problem is that everything is changed and the reader needs to know how and why? My main character is alone and is not very talkative but he has an internal voice.
I excused myself from "show don't tell" by saying that maybe the first chapter could be a narrative involving the main character in a world of rapidly changing set and circumstances.
What would you suggest?
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The time to worry is when you start hearing a pre-recorded non-denominational prayer just before impact.
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No FT, I wasn't attacking you.
I was calling a spade a spade and being precise about what my problem really was.
Who, me?
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It was interesting how theatrical the Ebola scare was and once it was confined how little anyone cared about it.
Cole Asked about global warming and it is true that we are at a breaking point on many levels all at once. To use a current figure of speech, "A perfect storm" but it has all been brought about by a large and demanding population.
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Since I write from a single characters point of view maybe following a muse is not such a bad thing..
If i was inclined to write sub-plots and complex and multiple characters comin and goin, I would have to outline just to maintain continuity, but I don't.
And I am forever influenced by the simplicity of the short story.
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OK. I'm an asshole. I'll say it.
I don't want my work sitting beside some of the stuff in the adult-youth category.
It is not all bad but, there is some stuff there that is just plain sick and I don't want to be associated with it.
I've got no problems with gray areas. That's where I live.
But 40 and 50 year old men having sex with 8 and 9 year old children? That's black & white just plain wrong.
Did I mention anything like that?
When I came here I understood that it wasn't just about wank-media, but an opportunity to moderate the impulse and strive for good writing.
When I arrived, I noticed two kinds of censorship.
1# censorship for the purpose of protecting the site.
2# if you write shit no one will bother reading it.
I can live with that..
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I am a big fan of Tim Burton and his quirky view on life. Ed Wood is one of my favorites and so is Edward Scissorhands. He is the best thing that happened to Johnny Depp.
His most recent is probably his most normal depiction of a real story.
"Big Eyes" About a woman who paints pictures of sad, big eyed, children. Her boyfriend, Walter Keane, soon husband starts to market the pictures and passes himself off as the artist while keeping his wife locked away..
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Her book is piled high on the counter going out of Barnes and Noble at 30% off..
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The question is could someone accomplish something like that today? They have cloud back-ups
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I agree that the heart of our problem is too many people using too few natural resources. I don't know how to solve that problem. Maybe a nuclear bomb will do it for us.
C
What is fearful is that they're people who think that way.. Cole, I'd like to think that you're not one.
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So you think the bomb is more a threat to us that global warming?
C
Well it is right up there with global warming and although climactic changes can occur without humans we had a significant hand in this one. Plants stored carbon and released oxygen for a billion years and we reversed it in 150..
Actually when it comes right down to it, population is really the problem. Perhaps they should be more tolerant towards gay people?
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My knowledge of WW2 before, during and after is thorough.
Everyone here has been very patient with me and I thank you. It was not my intention to be dishonest but an idea was being formulated at the time I was posting it.
I did not want to engage in a conflict over the past. I think it is because my view was philosophical and not necessarily factual.
The argument around Pearl Harbor, WW2 and the bombing of Hiroshima is an Americocentric view of history and it is very important to us.
But in the scheme of things, America has not always been here and the idea that it will last forever is absurd.
The significance of the bomb is much greater and it was my intention that we look at this..
America is not forever but in terms of scientific principles, the bomb is.. It is our nemesis -
I am not speaking of Japan,
I am talking about today and I am talking about the bomb.
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With all due respect, these arguments have been advanced many times since 1945. I have participated in more than a few. I no longer dispute any of them because any and all decisions are 70 years in the past and now they are just speculation.
I am suggesting that it no longer matters who dropped it or whether or not is was justified. What matters is that nuclear weapons still exist and are a continuing threat to us all and that threat has been recently rising.
I understand the resistance against Iran getting a bomb in order to prevent further proliferation but the US has just refurbished it entire arsenal of 4000 bombs and modified the laws allowing the president alone to launch a pre-empted attack on any nation he chooses.
This will no doubt cause Russia and China to do the same.
For all you writers out there, I have a sick feeling that perhaps they actually want a nuclear conflagration as some kind of re-set for civilization.
Perhaps it is no accident that apocalypse fiction as a genre has been coming into its own..
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RUK AND SAMMY a hard rite of passage
in Flash Fiction
Posted
Fair enough.. My first formal submission just came up..
http://www.awesomedude.com/larkin/the-misfit/the-misfit.htm