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  1. Hey Graeme; Thanks for the pat on the back and the job well done, it is well appreciated and received. The rewrite of the first portion of this chapter was a bear to say the least and I am glad I am learning from this process. You are right in your analysis of the last two paragraphs. I fell back into my old habit of telling instead of showing. I guess early developed bad habits are just as hard to break as old habits. That's my story and I am sticking to it. LOL Just kidding. Your suggestion to interact Sam and Roman with Travis to carry the chapter ending is very good. As you so nic
  2. Hey Bart; All of your comments concerning grammar/sentence structure/ and wording are all well taken. I have simply taken them at their face value and incorporated them into the copy through the quick editing feature. Thank you for the feedback on these items. Once again your comments on the last two paragraphs and your excellant readers perspective simply confirmed something I was already aware of...the chapter still gets derailed and crashes and burns in a horrid state of confusion. The "show rather than tell" boggyman paid me a midnight visit and my engery level was just to far spent t
  3. AUTHOR'S NOTATION: This story is a rewrite and reposting of the orginial "SEEING" story posted earlier. All critiques given are welcomed wholeheartly regardless of any and all comments contained within these critiques. After all I am asking for opinions on "the words on the page", whatever kinds of comments they my generate. CHAPTER__ (?)_________ HOPE, DREAMS AND NIBBLES Balanced on the narrow wall, Travis could not help thinking of the equation blooming in his mind, y = ax? + bx + c – the ramp below him was a perfect parabola. The reflective angle of the sun clearly showed its dull we
  4. Hi Aj; First thank you for taking the time and the effort to critique what I have put together so far. WOW, AJ now this is some good stuff that I can use to smarten up my chapter. "I think the biggest problem I have with this sample is that it reads more like an abstract of a story, and less like the story itself. There's no sense of immediacey, or real life action. In a word, this tells but doesn't show. " > Unfortunately on this one I have to agree. When I started in this writing business I tended to follow Kipling's earlier approach to writing in his practice of "Keep six honest se
  5. Hey Trab; Och! Your apology is not accepted because I never expected it, nor did I ever intend to leave the impression that one was necessary. You provided me with some very valid and valuable feedback on my story, which is far more valuable to me than most, because of your exclusive position of only viewing writers work from the "READERS PERSPECTIVE". That is more valuable than you may give yourself credit for on the site. After all, it is "YOU" the reader we are all trying to capitivate and entertain. That's my sole purpose in my writing at least. I can not speak for others, but that
  6. Hi Camy; Thank you for taking the time and effort to provide me with feedback on my story. "Stylistically the tone turned me off. Instantly. It's stilted." > Stlyle is important to a writer and to a story. This is especially true if a reader says the tone is bad and the flavour of the story is stilted. Both can be possible short-comming of a good story and need to be addressed if the writer can understand what is being referred to as tone/stilited? If I don't understand what you are calling a problem(and clearly I do not understand how you are using these two words in connection to
  7. Hi Trab; Thank you for taking the time to review a few of the comments others chose to make on my story and offering your critique on these various critiques. I have turned on the word count monitor so as not to make my response to your comments to long (just kidding, LOL). "Your overly wordy introduction, telling us what the first chapter was supposed to accomplish, was mind numbing to me. The chapter should stand on its own, and not need an introduction. " > The introduction in the form of the authors notation and/or introduction was intended to serve to introduce the "background" fo
  8. Hi Des; I stumbled across your posting of "Free Culture" while browsing in the writers forum and boy am I glad I did. I downloaded Prof. Lessig's book to my desktop from the the link you left at you posting. My orginial thought was that I would simply use it as casual reading material to be browsed during writing breaks or when the juices were not flowing. But now I have gotten hooked on this book. Thank you for having the foresight to post it for everyone else. I do not think you are off topic with the introduction of this material at all. In fact I think you should consider posting th
  9. Hi Writebymyself; I see your point on the controversial vrs. antagonistic stuff and it is well taken. My intent is to walk the controversial line without crossing over onto the antagonistic line something that I agree with you on that will turn off many a reader. I have started labouring over the chapter where I plan to introduce this issue within one of the story sub-plots and where this line is drawn is foremost in my mind while developing this chapter. Your point on the flow of that first bit is also well taken. If as a reader you found it confusing and not flowing smoothly enough than
  10. Hi Graeme; Yes I know as the author I have final say as to what goes into my stories and I know when I ask someone to critique my copy that such comments are in fact just suggestions but sometimes such comments are good and correct with regards to writing form. When I get such feedback I am not at all relucant to edit such suggestions into my story to make it better. You are of course right in your explanation of the first vrs. the third person and I think I have an understanding of this difference. I think that as I started off on the story with the intention of trying to handle the narra
  11. Hi Writebymyself; Thank you for taking the time and the effort to provide me with some feedback on my first piece of copy. I am sorry that first bit did not seem to flow as I expected it to. While your suggested approach to this first bit flows better than mine does I dont thing it gets the same message accross that I intended it to. The inevitable part of this bit was in reference to the fact that it was invitable that the character would take up skateboarding because of his proximity to the large facility which he lives close to not that learning the hobby would inevitablely be diffcult
  12. Hi Graeme; Thank you for taking the time and effort to critique my first stab at producing copy on my first writing project. Thank you also for taking my word on having a thick skin for I have taken your comments for what they are feedback on improving my skills as a writer, thank you for your feedback. I am glad that you beleive the story has potential and that the premise of the storyline is good which confirms to me that maybe I have a story here that will be of interest to some readers. You are right on with your analysis of my narration skills, since this is my first crack at narratio
  13. BeatWrit


    AUTHORS NOTATION(S): I have decided to withdraw the posting of this story. I have accomplished my goal for posting it here, which was to get some initial feedback on how this particular chapter was put together and how it was coming across from a readers perspective. I received much constructive and useful feedback that will allow for me to undertake my first major rewrite and it is now time to undertake this task. I would like to offer a hearty THANK YOU to all of those who took the time and the effort to critique this chapter and I hope to take all of the valuable feedback that I receive
  14. I think Graeme's idea is excellant and should be actioned immediately. If the forum does actually see the light of day I firmly beleive that it should not have any form of restriction on it or to it's access such as: (1.) Permission to post to the site or; (2.) Moderator driven access or; (3.) number of posts restrictions. If we can resist the desire to restrict the new authors and the people interested in helping them with unrestrained advice then this could become a very popular forum. Paul
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