BeatWrit

Hey Graeme; Thanks for the pat on the back and the job well done, it is well appreciated and received. The rewrite of the first portion of this chapter was a bear to say the least and I am glad I am learning from this process. You are right in your analysis of the last two paragraphs. I fell back into my old habit of telling instead of showing. I guess early developed bad habits are just as hard to break as old habits. That's my story and I am sticking to it. LOL Just kidding. Your suggestion to interact Sam and Roman with Travis to carry the chapter ending is very good. As you so nicely pointed out maybe I can recreate the same combination of activity and dialogue and factual information in the ending as I did in the start. I certainly am going to keep working on doing just that. Thanks again for your comments. They are very encouraging. Paul

Hey Bart; All of your comments concerning grammar/sentence structure/ and wording are all well taken. I have simply taken them at their face value and incorporated them into the copy through the quick editing feature. Thank you for the feedback on these items. Once again your comments on the last two paragraphs and your excellant readers perspective simply confirmed something I was already aware of...the chapter still gets derailed and crashes and burns in a horrid state of confusion. The "show rather than tell" boggyman paid me a midnight visit and my engery level was just to far spent to see the state in which he left my chapter ending before I reposted. Correcting these two paragraphs has occupied many of my waking hours since I reposted and I am working to do just that. Thank you for your clever way of bring this to my attention. Keep using those remarkable "readers eyes" of yours they are making a difference. Paul

AUTHOR'S NOTATION: This story is a rewrite and reposting of the orginial "SEEING" story posted earlier. All critiques given are welcomed wholeheartly regardless of any and all comments contained within these critiques. After all I am asking for opinions on "the words on the page", whatever kinds of comments they my generate. CHAPTER__ (?)_________ HOPE, DREAMS AND NIBBLES Balanced on the narrow wall, Travis could not help thinking of the equation blooming in his mind, y = ax? + bx + c – the ramp below him was a perfect parabola. The reflective angle of the sun clearly showed its dull well worn surface highlighting a crosshatch of scratches and scuffmarks. A deep breath filled his lungs with the cool morning air of a bright spring day. Then he gave a quick kick and confident leap, and in less then a few breif moments, the wonders of a focused mind orchestrating an athletic, well-trained body took over. And then the ballet began: cool breeze against warm skin, eyes judging speed and distance, feet gripping tight as calves loosened then tightened finding the perfect balance, arms and hands reacting as gracefully as any dancer’s, inner ear playing gyroscope for the brain. Travis Hendry couldn’t help marveling at the miracle of the human body – even his own. As he took the ramp, years of study and research wouldn’t allow him to ignore his profession. A neurobiologist, his work was not only his passion and obsession, but also the basis of his dream. And what a dream it was – one of biblical proportions – to make the lame walk. His vision was clear, his determination unwavering and in his mind he could see them rising off their beds and pallets, standing up from their wheelchairs and taking their first steps. Some of them had the faces of the Yaqui people from his own village – paralyzed with spinal injuries due to multiple sclerosis. It was a dream that dominated his thoughts. He’d managed to make some of the partially paralyzed rats in his lab walk again, and with more work and greater effort he just might… BANG! The fall was hard and fast and he winced when the dull pain hit him as his right hip made contact with the ramp. His flying skate board was quickly retrieved by one of the kids standing nearby who were watching his performance. “Can’t be off in space when you take the ramp Nibbles,” Jason said, giving Travis a wicked grin before breaking into a laugh. “You distracted me,” Travis half-heartedly protested, joining in the laughter, knowing none of them would buy his purposefully lame excuse. “Maybe your turning into an old man Nibbles,” Jason added as he watched Travis pick himself up and walk off the ramp. “I wouldn’t call 27 old, but next to you little boys...,” his grin widened as he reached to take the skateboard from Jason’s outstretched arm. And when the sixteen-year old suddenly pulled it back Travis knew he’d scored the reaction he was looking for. “Little boy” I’ll show you what a little boy can do old man,” Jason shouted back at Travis, but the tone of his voice and growing smile on his face belied the comradely feelings and respect he had for Travis. “Now Nibbles, watch and learn,” his concluded tossing Travis board at him and taking the ramp himself. “No time little dude,” Travis called back, “Gotta get to work. Can’t be late. Maybe tomorrow.” “Wuss.” Jason chuckled, and was about to send another good natured insult Travis way, but seeing Travis back to him as he walked away he realized Travis wasn’t kidding. “Hey later Nibbles,” Jason called out before Travis got too much farther away. “Later J,” Travis replied as he headed to his car in the nearby parking lot. Having experienced his quota of skateboard falls for the day, Travis slips his skateboard under his arm hoping the small jog to the car won't intensify the pain suffered in his embarassing fall. Even at a slow jog Travis moved with a disheveled grace, and fluid athleticism – owing more to a black belt in tae kwon and his Yaqui Indian background than skateboard riding. The skateboarding was just for fun – something he’d recently taken up due to the influence of his best friend, Kevin Nicholas – nicknamed Jazz. Born and raised in D.C., near some of the finest skateboard facilities in the city, Jazz was a real skateboarder, and a brilliant Bioelectrical Engineer. After a brief and uneventful commute from the skateboard park to the research facility, Travis took a quick cool shower and changed into his work attire. Entering his office, he carefully propped his skateboard against the wall behind his desk – a wall dominated by a large and brilliant portrait of the great artists of Jazz, “Jazz by Jazz” he’d cleverly named it because the crisp pen and ink drawing had been rendering by Kevin. As he did every day, he stared for a few seconds at the portrait. The past five years had been a wild ride for him and his best friend as they explored the depths of stem cell research. Nibbles and Jazz, he smiled as the thought filled his mind. Who would have thought that the two of them would find themselves in the center of such a scientific, ethical, moral and religious storm? But a storm, that if successfully weathered, could bring them fame and fortune – not to mention a Noble Prize. His hard work and genius had already brought in almost half a billion dollars of research money – despite the right wing conservative times he often felt hostage to. And they were on the right track – the once paralyzed rat moving slowly in the cage on the table across the room was proof of that. Roman might be the next break through. Roman Reed, a local college football hero, who became suddenly paralyzed, when one of his routine football plays went horribly wrong, had come to Travis lab. There Roman watched as Travis handed the formerly paralyzed rat to Roman’s father Donald. His eyes widened when Donald holding the squirming rat in front of his son explained to him that it had once been completely paralyzed. What made the demonstration even more important for Travis was the fact that Donald Reed was the owner of the Seeve-Arvine Research Center and his boss. Within days of his arriving at the research facility, Nibbles had partnered with Sam Lowlane, a research colleague at the facility and immunologist studying multiple sclerosis’. Together they developed an antibody that, in animals, stopped the extensive inflammation and secondary damage caused after a new spinal injury. Sam is Roman Reed’s life long best friend and the person who tackled him in the college football game resulting in Roman’s paralysis. Sam’s life long goal is to restore his best friend’s life back to where it was before the accident. This is a goal that Sam shares with Donald Reed, Roman’s father. Shortly thereafter, Nibbles and Sam, along with Jazz, Nibble’s best friend, formed a private company, Roman Biomedical, to raise further funding to move their collective research efforts forward faster. Soon after forming their company, they sold the rights to the therapy to the biopharmaceutical giant Vedarex for more that US$8 million. The new therapy is now in human trials, thanks to the deep pockets and expertise of the research facility and Vedarex- a development that so excited Nibbles, he could not sleep for days afterwards. Nibbles association with Vedarex first brought him into contact with Suzanne Sport, 44 who lives just down the freeway from the research facility and who work for Vedarex as a computer engineer researcher. Today in her studio apartment with its magnificent view if D.C., she’s painting a giant blue eye. She uses pens and brushes held in her mouth, after the use of her hands, arms and legs was stolen from her 24 years ago by a drunken driver. She has been watching the slow state of spinal cord research for more than half her life. She first met Nibbles when he became involved with Vedarex, she admires both Nibbles and Jazz for how they have taken the potential for stem cell therapy and applied it to real world cases such as hers to realize its full potential. She has enjoyed her work and a developing relationship with Nibbles in furthering the practical application of the therapy. This work has matched her enjoyment in working with Jazz, Nibble’s best friend, on a highly secretive project involving the application of special internet computer software she has developed for Vedarex being used to further the cause of the “Lobby”, of which she is an active member.

Hi Aj; First thank you for taking the time and the effort to critique what I have put together so far. WOW, AJ now this is some good stuff that I can use to smarten up my chapter. "I think the biggest problem I have with this sample is that it reads more like an abstract of a story, and less like the story itself. There's no sense of immediacey, or real life action. In a word, this tells but doesn't show. " > Unfortunately on this one I have to agree. When I started in this writing business I tended to follow Kipling's earlier approach to writing in his practice of "Keep six honest serving-men..their names are what and why and when and how and who" type of approach to my writing. Unfortunately all this did was allow me to develop a bad approach to my writing style, because this technique, I quickly learned is more applicable to writing press releases and not novels. You are so very right..it does tell and it does not show. I have already earmarked this as a major short-coming to be corrected in my first major rewrite ( I do not agree with you however that this is not a story but an abstract of one, I intend to make it into a story). "The characters you've introduced in this section are interesting, though frankly a little intimidating with all their qualifications: black belt in Taek Won Do, Yaqui sorceror, brilliant researcher, etc. I find, at least in my stories, that if the characters are overqualified, then I have a hard time making them very sympathetic for the readers...and one of the most interesting points of reading a good story is watching the characters deal with their flaws and overcome them. " > On this point AJ I think we may be on different wavelengths. My orginial intent with how I developed these characters was in fact to create characters that were bold,smart,interesting, and to a certain degree somewhat intimidating. Althought I only wanted to walk a very careful line on this last impression for just the very reasons you pointed out with your characters. You see one of my goals for this story, if it comes out the way I intend it to, is to position this novel as a strong canidate as a "cross-over" book. As a gay based story that overcomes the lack of "mainstream" apeal because of this theme. To be sucessful in this endeavor I want to present virbrillant, deeply developed characters that do not fall prey to the typical view of gays or gay characters(thus the reason for the unique qualifications and types of characters I want to present to the readers). Again on the point of making the characters sympathetic to the readers I think we have different goals in mind. Because of how I want to present my characters to the reader, I want them to come across as being strong enough to have already learned to deal with and have overcome any personal flaw they may have been dealt in real life. I want the characters and the readers to see how they are overcoming the seemingly very difficut storyline and plot conficts that I have in store for them. I can't ask my readers to beleive that one of my characters is capable of dealing with and overcoming an international conspiracy plot to create a new world superpower, if the character is still struggling to overcome a bad hair day. "We need some points of commanality: is this guy a closet romance novel reader? Does he drink so much coffee that his lips buzz? Does he have a messy apartment?" > This one however is a very good suggestion and I clearly see where you are coming from and what you mean. While I did want to create strong and dynamic characters there is nothing to say that they can't come accross as being alot more real life human friendly. This is good advice and I am sure I will take it into account when I rework my character development for the rewrite. Thanks AJ that was good advice and I will take that. Good Stuff. "When you introduce the guy who funds the place, try having your main char. run into him in the hall or out in the parking garage, and engage in a little dialogue before you tell us his story...Maybe the MC drops his keys as he's locking his car door, bends down to pick 'em up and when he looks up, he's confronted by a pair of feet in front of a pair of wheels and another pair of feet behind those. He realizes who they belong to and starts chatting with them." > This is good stuff to and I like this idea, it supports your comments above. I never did like how I presented those characters and that whole scene in the first place but I just went with what I had at the time. I like you suggestion. It may allow me to bring more life to these characters and the way I present this whole scene to the reader. I will definately work this into the rewrite. Thanks that was good. "Incidentally, you have a guy who's a vegetable looking on in wonder at a squirming rat that used to be paralyzed. Could be a continuity problem. How functional is this guy?" > I think you may have missed something here. Ya, he is a vegetable and even though I don't state it in the story he has limited function. Good point, maybe I should actually use this phrase when describing him to make him sharper. I tried to foresee any continuity problem with tthis character and his condition by making it clear that the reseach of the MC could very well not help this character to recover from his condition. I did this because this character and his condition and his relationship to a series of other characters is an issue in one of my sub-plots and this plot's conflict resolution. "So, bottom line: God is in the details" You are so right on this point AJ. If you only knew how many loose and inconsistent details I had to hunt down and fix after the first time this chapter saw the light of paper. With each passing day and the more I write I develop a stronger and stronger respect for the "Lord of Details"' "This is a strong effort, and a good beginning. I would probably use what you sent to us as a character sketch for all the various people you introduce, and then start writing the story again with dialogue and details included." > Here I may only partically take your advice. If your take on this chapter is on correct and all I have is a well developed character outline, then if I can overlay some good creative dialogue and detail, then maybe I can make it what it is suppose to be , a strong chapter in a strong first novel. "As Graeme always says, all the opinions expressed here are my own, and none of them may be applicable. > Please Aj, never let any of my comments ever prevent you from giving to me your comments and opinions. From what I have been lucky enough to receive so far, they are truly insightful and useful. Thanks again for taking the time and the effort on my behalf. Paul

Hey Trab; Och! Your apology is not accepted because I never expected it, nor did I ever intend to leave the impression that one was necessary. You provided me with some very valid and valuable feedback on my story, which is far more valuable to me than most, because of your exclusive position of only viewing writers work from the "READERS PERSPECTIVE". That is more valuable than you may give yourself credit for on the site. After all, it is "YOU" the reader we are all trying to capitivate and entertain. That's my sole purpose in my writing at least. I can not speak for others, but that is my motivation. So once again MR. READER thank you for your opinions on my work thus far. Paul

Hi Camy; Thank you for taking the time and effort to provide me with feedback on my story. "Stylistically the tone turned me off. Instantly. It's stilted." > Stlyle is important to a writer and to a story. This is especially true if a reader says the tone is bad and the flavour of the story is stilted. Both can be possible short-comming of a good story and need to be addressed if the writer can understand what is being referred to as tone/stilited? If I don't understand what you are calling a problem(and clearly I do not understand how you are using these two words in connection to the construct to the story) then as a writer I can not fix the problem. What writing components or techniques are producing these results? "This is probably not what you want to hear but try writing a short story rather than attempting a novel. " > What I want to hear is not the issue here, it's what I want to do..write novels, not short stories. If I have learned anything so far in my novice attempts to write, it is that a good novielist is good at writing what I shall refer to as "stand alone" chapters to their novels, that have a "right unto themselves" as being complete and entertaining good reads (IE-mini-short-stories, if you will). That have have constructed as an ingral part of the novels overall storyline. It is in this belief alone that I post my chapters and not to determine if my choice of the type of writing I want to do is a sound one. (please don't take that wrong, upon rereading it I sound like I am coming across as snooty or offended, neither is the case.) "That way you can get feedback on a finished piece, and you'll find your 'voice' which seems to be missing." > These are two very interesting comments. It would seem that the only hope a novice writer has of generating valuable critiquies is if a "finished" piece of work can be presented for editing and only if such editing can be wedged between the editor chatting with buds and feeding the dog (sorry, once again upon rereading that,it sounds very much like I am being somewhat of a smart ass and I am not. It is just that so many people want to "do the editing" but not commit the necessary time to the task). As to finding my lost "voice", I would so very much like to find it, if I knew what it was? No joking intended here. What do you mean by my voice. I have been struggling to learn ways of giving my characters a voice and my plotlines a voice and my story lines a voice. Since these are my tools for creating a good read for my readers, what and where does the author's voice come into the picture? I asking here because I want to know? Do readers also have a voice I should take into account? Again just asking as a novice. Once again thank you ever so much for taking the time and effort to provide me with some valuable feedback on my story. Paul

Hi Trab; Thank you for taking the time to review a few of the comments others chose to make on my story and offering your critique on these various critiques. I have turned on the word count monitor so as not to make my response to your comments to long (just kidding, LOL). "Your overly wordy introduction, telling us what the first chapter was supposed to accomplish, was mind numbing to me. The chapter should stand on its own, and not need an introduction. " > The introduction in the form of the authors notation and/or introduction was intended to serve to introduce the "background" for this chapter for other writers on the site who chose to take the time "to actually read the chapter" (just jabbing you again, could'nt resist LOL) so that I could short circuit a whole lot of questioning about what this copy was all about. This information was not intended to serve any such purpose as being an actual introduction "for the copy itself", something I beleive the copy already does. "Subsequently, I've read Graeme's and WBMS's comments, and noticed that your responses to each was wordier than their comments. I suspect that you are going to need to seriously address this as an 'issue' in your writings." > I was under the misguided impression that the whole critiquing process was suppose to be a "learning" process for new writing taking advantage of "communication" with other writers and learning from their opinions and views of your work so you could improve the work. Again I did not know that this whole process was supose to be conducted in "ten words or less" (sorry, just kidding could'nt resist another jab LOL HaHa). If what is being communicated between the two writers during this exchane than how is anyone going to learn from the process (thus the reason I don't give a hoot about the number of words it takes me to learn something new), "I'm hoping to actually read your story soon" > And when you do Trab I will look forward to you cmments and opinions if you still care to share them with me(all the jabbing aside your a good sport right LOL). If after you have read the copy you still think I have a problem with being to wordy actually in my writing then please jump on me again about it. In all honesty, you were the first to make this comment. Because I have chosen to write novels and not short stories my training todate as a writer has not included restricting my novel to a one page press release. That is a whole different kind of writing in and of itself. So there you have it. Proof positive that I must be "wordy" just look at the length of my response verses yous. I plead guilty and ask the courts for mercy. LOL LOL. Thanks guy for taking the time; Paul

Hi Des; I stumbled across your posting of "Free Culture" while browsing in the writers forum and boy am I glad I did. I downloaded Prof. Lessig's book to my desktop from the the link you left at you posting. My orginial thought was that I would simply use it as casual reading material to be browsed during writing breaks or when the juices were not flowing. But now I have gotten hooked on this book. Thank you for having the foresight to post it for everyone else. I do not think you are off topic with the introduction of this material at all. In fact I think you should consider posting this link under the "When to include copyright" thread that was started by Graeme. I think it would get wider exposure under that thread and if it catches on with the AD authors and becomes to big to manage it can be spun off as a thread onto it's own. Personally, I think every author currently using the AD site should read this book. Not just for the education and background on the copywrite issue but more importantly on the issues of the history and developments within the online world and how that will impact many of them who have chosen this media as their primary writing tool not to mention the education they would get about the cultural environment that they may find themselves writing in the future. I have gotten through the first 150 pages of his book and I find myself wanting to know more about Lessig and his background. Any ideas on how or where I could learn more about him he is way ahead of his time on these issues. I would be interested in establishing an on-going dialogue with you on what you think as you progress through the book on some of the various issues he raises in the book. Already he has piqued my interest on two subjects which I intend to further investigate that of (1.) "Camp Chaos" and (2.) "The Way Back Machine". These are just the sort of topics/issues that I personally find are a gold mine for writing ideas. Anyway thanks again for the heads-up on this little nugget it is great. Paul

Hi Writebymyself; I see your point on the controversial vrs. antagonistic stuff and it is well taken. My intent is to walk the controversial line without crossing over onto the antagonistic line something that I agree with you on that will turn off many a reader. I have started labouring over the chapter where I plan to introduce this issue within one of the story sub-plots and where this line is drawn is foremost in my mind while developing this chapter. Your point on the flow of that first bit is also well taken. If as a reader you found it confusing and not flowing smoothly enough than sure as little bunnies are soft other readers may stumble into this same problem. I have noted that bit for a closer look during my rewrite. Good point on flow. Your points on tense raised some issues I was not aware of and I can now see how writing in the wrong tense could produce some unnecessary problems for me later on down the road within the story. Writing this story is hard enough without my creating myself a bunch of unnecessary problems that would fource me to bend and twist the storyline just to overcome. I will heed Graeme's advice in this area for sure. Thanks for the comments; Paul

Hi Graeme; Yes I know as the author I have final say as to what goes into my stories and I know when I ask someone to critique my copy that such comments are in fact just suggestions but sometimes such comments are good and correct with regards to writing form. When I get such feedback I am not at all relucant to edit such suggestions into my story to make it better. You are of course right in your explanation of the first vrs. the third person and I think I have an understanding of this difference. I think that as I started off on the story with the intention of trying to handle the narration as best as I could I became confortable in it and let slip the fact that I was in fact in the first person. I do not think switching to the third person should be all that diffcult in the rewrite if I just switch to the "he/she said style of the third person so long as I watch the narrative interfaces as you suggest. The comments made by Writebymyself in it beinging confusing on the reader if not done smoothly makes sense to me as I have already learned that doing so is a no-no for good writers. This follows right into your comments about my approach to wording of the jewish lobby. Clearly I want the reader to understand this entire topic through the eyes/words of my sub-characters in the sub-plot. I like your suggestion on changing the names of any real such organizations to that of ones that bare no resemblance to the real life ones. This is my intent when I get into writing the sub-plot for this issue although I did not believe it should also apply to such a gernic label such as the jewish lobby, since like the phrase the Vatican connection there is no such organization to which eithor of these phrases apply. You did however raise an interesting point with your reference to Dan Brown. That is the sort of issue I dont want to get sidetracked onto in writing this story. Thanks for you thoughts; Paul

Hi Writebymyself; Thank you for taking the time and the effort to provide me with some feedback on my first piece of copy. I am sorry that first bit did not seem to flow as I expected it to. While your suggested approach to this first bit flows better than mine does I dont thing it gets the same message accross that I intended it to. The inevitable part of this bit was in reference to the fact that it was invitable that the character would take up skateboarding because of his proximity to the large facility which he lives close to not that learning the hobby would inevitablely be diffcult for the character. I do like the way your seggestion flows however. Your feedback on my use of the phrase "The Jewish Lobby" are well made. The consept surrounding this idea and it's introduction as it pertains to one of the stories sub-plots gets established in a chapter previous to this one. It's mention here is just to provide for a hook into the main plot and to introduce the sub-characters who will move this sub-plot forward and provide for establishing the plot conflict for these characters. Some of your comments on your feedback on the use of this idea (IE-"dangerous ground"/"highly charged and emotional phrase"/and"alienate a good part of your audience") do raise some interesting disscussions on just what sort of issues should or should not be used as "grist for the mill" in our writing. I chose this particular issue to move the conflict and sub-plot in my story because it is both relevant and contrivisial currently and I want my story to have real world connections even though it is intended to be fiction (do a google search on this phrase and you will find 663,957 entries...search on the phrase Vatican Connection and you will get 2,100,000 hits). Is it wrong to lend realism to our writing by using real world references without alienating our readers? (If this is the case have I not already alienated the majority of the general reading public by chosing to write "gay" fiction.) I dont know, maybe or maybe not? I am glad you think there is potential in this story idea. Your comments on flow may very well have some merit. I have been trying to use the general overall flow of the storyline from chapter to chapter as my guide and in doing so I may have missed the point of the flow between the scenes of this chapter. Good point on how the chapter flows. Thanks for the comments on having good ideas that helps me to further believe that the overall storyline seems to have some reader appeal. I was interested in your comments about "making it feel natural". I think this may come for me if I change the way I develop the characters through dialogue instead of narration as Graeme suggested. I may very well try your approach on the first bit though it makes for a better flow on that first part. Thanks again for your feedback it was very helpful. Paul

Hi Graeme; Thank you for taking the time and effort to critique my first stab at producing copy on my first writing project. Thank you also for taking my word on having a thick skin for I have taken your comments for what they are feedback on improving my skills as a writer, thank you for your feedback. I am glad that you beleive the story has potential and that the premise of the storyline is good which confirms to me that maybe I have a story here that will be of interest to some readers. You are right on with your analysis of my narration skills, since this is my first crack at narration I tried to get it to work right for me. However, you are also right on the points of moving the plot along, something I know must always happen if I am able to get and keep the readers attention in telling the story. The plot must always be moving forward and this is something I will have to plug in in the rewrite. You are also right about my dialogue skills they are not even present. Thats because like narration I have never tried constructing dialogue (and frankly was a little gun shy to actually try it while also attempting the narration) but I think during the rewrite I am going to have to jump off the end of the dialogue dock maybe as a tool for moving my plot along. I can see what you mean about how I went about introducing the characters here I seemed to have stepped into the same stuff you did with your first chapter. Frankly I was so bent on just trying to get the character development down that I completely forgot that I could introduce my characters through dialogue and/or plot development and still have accomplished the same as far as my character development goes. Good feedback on this issue. With regards to the tense of the story I had made a decision to write it in the present tense when I started writing the chapter but should have started in the past tense as you suggested. I have learned that a writer should not switch back and forth and I guess during the rewrite I should get into the past tense as that is how I want to construct the entire story anyway. I am not surprised by your comments on "wordiness and repetition" because franking I also spotted those two examples you pointed out and had made myself a note to fix them but in my rush to post this first copy I completely missed doing those editing changes. This is something I have to constantly watch in my copy, I tend to repeat myself often and I am by nature somewhat wordy both characteristics I tend to watch for when writing. I kinda knew there was lots wrong with this first piece of copy and that there were going to be some building blocks of the writing process that I was going to screw up or miss altogether but that was the intent of posting this first effort. Dont worry about me getting discouraged I never do I just try to get better. After all that is what this whole process is about. Learning from those who have travelled down the path before you such as yourself. Thanks for the feedback it was very helpfull. Paul

AUTHORS NOTATION(S): I have decided to withdraw the posting of this story. I have accomplished my goal for posting it here, which was to get some initial feedback on how this particular chapter was put together and how it was coming across from a readers perspective. I received much constructive and useful feedback that will allow for me to undertake my first major rewrite and it is now time to undertake this task. I would like to offer a hearty THANK YOU to all of those who took the time and the effort to critique this chapter and I hope to take all of the valuable feedback that I received and improve upon this copy. Once again thanks everyone for making this first experience with the critiquing process both an enjoyable and helpful one.

I think Graeme's idea is excellant and should be actioned immediately. If the forum does actually see the light of day I firmly beleive that it should not have any form of restriction on it or to it's access such as: (1.) Permission to post to the site or; (2.) Moderator driven access or; (3.) number of posts restrictions. If we can resist the desire to restrict the new authors and the people interested in helping them with unrestrained advice then this could become a very popular forum. Paul