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bilal

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About bilal

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  1. Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after a
  2. The stories punctuation may not be up to standard, so if this bothers you then read no more. The Thief of Hearts. Part 1 His daydreaming was brought to an abrupt halt by a noise from downstairs. He rose from the bed and listened, and again he heard the noise. Making his way down as noiselessly as possible he went first to the kitchen and found everything in order. He heard the noise again, and this time it was definitely from the sitti
  3. PUT TRUMP’S PICTURE ON THE SCOREBOARD AND ANNOUNCE: “PLEASE STAND FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, OR KNEEL BEFORE YOUR PRESIDENT.” Then…….. Stand back and enjoy the meltdown.
  4. As the story was so badly written decided to delete it
  5. It's the South Alabama A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!" Georgia The owner of a go
  6. Three Irishmen apply for a job at factory and are waiting to be interviewed for the one vacancy. Finally all three are shown in to the Personal Managers office and after giving them a short talk, he gives each man a match-box containing a spider saying, “I want you all to take the spiders home and observe them. Then tomorrow at 10.00am I will ask you each for your observations.” The three Irishmen take their spider’s home, and all meet up the next day at 10.00am in the manager’s waiting room. Shortly the first man is asked to enter the office, and is questioned by the Manager a
  7. Tequila Christmas Cake 1 cup water 1 tsp. Baking soda 1 cup sugar 1 tsp. Salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle tequila 2 cups dried fruit Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the Highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point its best a make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thin
  8. A YOUNG boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
  9. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your
  10. A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her
  11. Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term com
  12. At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages." What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use? "Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxiou
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