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bilal

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  1. It's the South Alabama A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!" Georgia The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings." Louisiana A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world." Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." North Carolina A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." Tennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?" Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' " *** Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
  2. Three Irishmen apply for a job at factory and are waiting to be interviewed for the one vacancy. Finally all three are shown in to the Personal Managers office and after giving them a short talk, he gives each man a match-box containing a spider saying, “I want you all to take the spiders home and observe them. Then tomorrow at 10.00am I will ask you each for your observations.” The three Irishmen take their spider’s home, and all meet up the next day at 10.00am in the manager’s waiting room. Shortly the first man is asked to enter the office, and is questioned by the Manager as to what he had observed of his spider? The man said “I took the spider out of the box and had a good look at it and saw that it had eight legs and was rather ugly.” “Thank you said the manager will you send the next man in on your way out.” Shortly the second man came in and went through the same process as the first man saying, “The spider had eight legs, was hairy, and ugly.” The manager asked him to send the third man in as he left. The third man came in sat down. The manager asked him what his observations of the spider were. “Well,” the man said, “I took the spider home, examined it and saw it had eight legs and was hairy. Then I decided to train it using my finger. When I said come here, I prodded it to come towards me, then pushing it with my finger I said go away. After a sometime it would come to me when I said come here, and go back, when I said go back. Then I picked the spider up and pulled its legs off and put it back down on the table. “I said come here, and it didn’t move, I said go back, it still didn’t move.” “So what was your conclusion the manager asked?” “Well,” the man said, “It goes to prove. If you pull a spiders legs off it goes deaf.” He got the job.
  3. Tequila Christmas Cake 1 cup water 1 tsp. Baking soda 1 cup sugar 1 tsp. Salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle tequila 2 cups dried fruit Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the Highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point its best a make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat. CHERRY MISTMAS!
  4. A YOUNG boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
  5. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend … but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever… So far, so good.20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite -35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
  6. A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door, OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes
  7. Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me'. 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
  8. At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages." What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use? "Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every once in a while they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
  9. Every week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, He walked around the local fairground. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign. Sadly, He lost again. The winning number was 707. Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.
  10. A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night.""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."You gotta love Grandmas! A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!" Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.4) It is inexpensive.5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.6) It is always available as neededAnd then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.He got an A+. A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings."Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?""They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she repliedThe taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers." An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
  11. 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call someone to help. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get helper to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down and rub cats throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Royal Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get helper to stretch out flat on top of the cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to helpers forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get helper to drive you to the accident and emergency hospital. Sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home to order a new tabel. 15. Arrange for ASPCA to find a new home for cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.
  12. My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said... "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week." We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW that's almost 3 times a week! You could learn a lot from him." We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow." My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery
  13. Below is a review of the book found at Amazon Rob Wardell is a seventeen-year old who feels like he doesn't quite fit in anywhere--not at home, not at school and not on the baseball field. The small, shy boy stays on the high school baseball team only to please his father since he knows he will never get to play. He's living his life alone until he finds himself drawn into a friendship with the team's new star pitcher, Josh Schlagel. The two boys hit it off instantly; maybe it's because Josh isn't exactly welcomed by the team either. But as Rob and Josh grow closer and start spending more time together away from the field, Rob realizes this his friend is hiding something. The bruises on Josh's body and his reluctance to let Rob know about certain parts of his life have Rob suspicious. When Josh's secrets are finally revealed and become life threatening, Rob and his family must step up to the plate.
  14. In a convent in Ireland, old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "Do not sell that cow!"
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