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  1. As I was informed that Par 2 of the story was not very well written and grammatically not reader friendly, rather than go through the process of re-editing it have decided to delete it. May post it again sometime in the future
  2. Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.
  3. The stories punctuation may not be up to standard, so if this bothers you then read no more. The Thief of Hearts. Part 1 His daydreaming was brought to an abrupt halt by a noise from downstairs. He rose from the bed and listened, and again he heard the noise. Making his way down as noiselessly as possible he went first to the kitchen and found everything in order. He heard the noise again, and this time it was definitely from the sitting room. Making his way silently to the room, he looked through the crack between the door and the doorpost to see a young boy about eleven or twelve years of age rummaging through their belongings. Stepping into the room he said, “Having fun?” Startled the boy swung around to face the source of the voice and uttered a solitary word, “Shit!” “Yeah shit it is, and you’re in it,” before Micah could utter another syllable the boy made a dash for the open French-windows that led out to the garden. The boy was fast but not fast enough, Micah caught up with him and before he could get out of the room grabbed him by the arm. “Let go you cunt,” the boy yelled, and he swung one of his legs trying to land a kick in Micah’s groin area. He dodged the kick still managing to hold on to the boy as again the boy tried another kick. Micah wrapped his arms around the small boy and yelled, “If you don’t stop struggling and kicking I’m going to belt you.” “Fuck off and let me go arsehole,” and he kicked out again. Micah swung one of his hands not with a lot of force and slapped the boy on the face causing the boy’s head to swivel with the impact of the blow. “You fucking bastard, I’m going to kill you for that,” the boy screamed as he struggled more furiously. Micah again slapped the boy a bit harder this time, and the boy fell to the floor. Slowly the boy rose tears streaming down his face snot flowing from his nose, “Why the fuck did you hit me?” “Oh and I’m supposed to stand still while you kick me in the goolies.” The boy sniffed, “What’re you going to do now?” “What have you taken from the house?” “Nuthin,” and he wiped his nose on the sleeve of his tracksuit top. “I’ll ask you one more time, if I don’t get a truthful answer I’ll call the cops and let them deal with you, what’ve you taken from the house?” The boy put his hand inside his pockets and withdrew a gold plated pen, thirty pounds in cash, and his mother’s wristwatch, which would have been no great loss as she seldom wore it. Still sniffing “That’s it,” he said handing it over to Micah. He took the items from the boy and put them down on the coffee table. He took the boy by the arm and dragged him along with him. “Where are you taking me?” “Just shut up, you’re not in a position to ask questions,” and Micah dragged the reluctant boy into the kitchen. Inside he tore off a couple of kitchen towels and handed them to the boy. “Clean your face and wipe your nose you look a mess.” “You fucking caused it didn’t you, you arsehole.” “Ok I’m sorry you satisfied.” “Yeah.” “If you want you can wash your face in the sink, there’s a hand towel you can use to dry with.” “Thanks,” the boy washed his face and dried it then turned to Micah, “Now what?” Micah shrugged his shoulders he felt sorry for the scrawny looking kid, “You want a drink of some sorts?” “You got a coke.” “Yeah in the fridge help yourself.” The boy got his drink opened it and guzzled a mouthful swallowed and belched. “Ah that’s nice, what’re you going to do now?” “No idea, I should report you to the cops but you’re too young to be locked up.” “Who the fuck you calling too young I’m fifteen.” “What, you must be joking, I thought you were about eleven, or twelve at most.” “Yeah everybody thinks that, that’s why I get away with doing the things I do.” “Okay I suppose you’d better get on home, but if you ever break into our house again and I find out it’s you I’ll kick your arse.” “And how the fuck are you going to find me? You haven’t got a clue about my name, or where I live, and for sure you’re no Sherlock fucking Holmes.” Micah looked at the younger boy and smiled, the boy was right there was no way he could ever find him again when he left the house. “Okay so I won’t be able to find you again, but just do me a favour and keep out of our house. Come on I’ll let you out of the front door.” Micah led the way then opened the door and stood to one side to let the boy out. As he was about to leave Micah asked? “What’s your name?” The boy continued his way out of the house when he was outside he turned saying, “Luke, Luke Harrison and what’s yours?” “Micah Anderson.” “Micah, what kind of a fucking name is that?” Micah angrily slammed the door shut in the boys face then walked over to the front room window to watch him as he left. He was still standing in the same place when the door had been slammed shut in his face, he shrugged his shoulders turned and walked down the drive then out into the road and out of sight. Micah tidied up some of the mess that the boy had made in the sitting room, then went upstairs to shower and change. Later that evening, as he walked home alone after visiting with some of his friends at their local youth club, on a couple of occasions he felt as if he was being watched. Both times he stopped and looked around thinking that someone might be attempting to mug him, but there was no one to be seen. He continued on his way home this time increasing his pace, and keeping alert for the slightest sound but nothing else transpired, and he was finally able to enter into the sanctuary of his home. It was a couple of weeks after the break in that Micah returned home after school on a Friday. He was looking forward to the long Bank Holiday weekend, and in his case the half term holiday. He knew the house would be empty as his parents seldom got home from work before five thirty pm. He opened the front door stepped inside and nearly screamed with fright, and had to restrain his bowels from emptying into his clothing, to see the same boy who had broken into the house previously standing in front of him. This time the boy wasn’t ransacking the house, he just stood in the hallway looking at Micah. Closing the door and composing himself Micah looked at the boy and asked, “How the Hell did you get into the house and what do you want?” “Umm I came to see you.” “That’s nice of you, but when you come to visit someone you normally come to the front door and wait till you’re asked in.” “Okay so I’m out of line, but when I came around and knocked on the door there was no one in, so I went around the back and got in through the French Windows. You’re dad should really get something done about them, any idiot can get in through those doors. “I’ll make it a point of mentioning it to him. It’ll be interesting to see his reaction when I tell him the person who broke into the house twice, said so.” “You’re not going to mention it was me are you.” “No Luke I won’t.” “You remembered my name?” “Yeah, what’s so remarkable about that?” “Umm I’ve forgotten yours, I know it was something funny and you got fucking annoyed when I asked you about it.” “It’s Micah and there’s nothing funny about it.” “Yeah that’s it I’ve been doing my nut trying to remember it, what the fuck does it mean.” “I’ve no idea, now you know my name, why are you here?” “Uh, I just wanted to see you again if you don’t want me around I’ll fuck off.” “You don’t have to leave, but next time for Christ sake don’t break into our house just wait outside or come back later, will you?” “Shit what’s the big fuss, I haven’t touched a fucking thing. I’ve only been waiting for you to come home.” “How the Hell! Did you know I’ll be home first, say if one of my parents came home early?” “I’m not that bloody stupid. I’ve been watching you for the last few days to see what time you came home from school, and I kept an eye out from the front window to see who would come home first just in case.” “Okay now that you’re inside and you know my name, what can we put the honour of this visit down to.” “I just fucking told you I wanted to see you again.” Micah looked at the younger boy, “Luke can you answer a question without getting all up tight and swearing your head off.” “I’m not up tight, and this is the way I fucking talk, if you don’t like it hard fucking luck.” “Okay Luke now you’ve seen me, do you want to leave?” “I don’t want to fucking leave, but if you’re telling me to Piss Off, I will.” “You’ve got a mouth like a sewer.” “Fuck You! I clean my teeth every day.” “Oh Christ! I wasn’t implying your breath smelled Luke, it was because of your constant use of swear words in nearly every sentence that you utter, that made me make the remark.” “Oh okay whatever. So you don’t want me to leave then huh?” Micah looked at the small boy, it was hard to believe he was fifteen going on sixteen. The boy’s frankness and good looks in a way attracted you to him, and when he applied that pleading look with his striking blue eyes it was very hard not to give in to him. “I think I need my head examining standing here talking to you, I’m going upstairs to get showered and changed, and you can do what you want.” Micah turned his back on the boy and made his way upstairs only to hear footsteps behind him. He swivelled his head and looked over his shoulder to see Luke following him. He smiled to himself at the same time thinking, What the Hell does he want and why would he risk breaking into their house just to see me. When Micah reached his room he told Luke to make himself comfortable, he grabbed a change of clothing and headed for the bathroom. Ten minutes later he emerged from his shower washed and changed to see Luke lying on his bed with his eyes closed and apparently asleep. He walked over to the boy and slowly removed his trainers and left him to continue his sleep while he made his way downstairs to get something to eat. He made a couple of slices of toast and some tea carried them over to the breakfast table to partake of his snack. He sat down and was about to start when he looked up to see Luke standing in the doorway. “So you decided to get up?” “I was kind of awake when you took my trainers off, but was too comfortable to get up. It was the smell of the toast that did it.” “You want some?” “Yes, please.” Micah got up put another couple of slices in the toaster and poured another cup of tea. When the toast was done he took it over to the table where Luke had already seated himself and put the food and drink in front of him “Thanks.” “Your welcome,” and Micah sat down to continue with his snack. Luke sat and stared at Micah. “What’s wrong? Why don’t you eat instead of sitting there staring at me.” “I was just thinking you’re something special.” “Me, special, why?” “Well it’s not very often you get a kid say sorry to a someone who breaks into his house twice, and even serves him tea and toast.” “Look just finish your food okay, I’ll polish my halo later.” Luke laughed and started on his food. Five minutes later they’d finished and were washing and putting away the crockery. Then with Micah leading the way they made their entrance into the sitting room. He slumped onto the end seat of the settee and was surprised when Luke dumped himself down beside him. So you want to watch some television?” “Micah asked. “If I wanted to watch the fucking box I’d have stayed at home. I came here to see and talk to you. If you’re not interested in what I have to say just say so and I’ll piss off.” “God you’re bloody touchy, okay I’m listening tell me what’s so important that you have to break into our house to talk to me.” “I umm I, oh shit I don’t know how to fucking say it to make it sound nice so that you’ll like it.” “Look Luke, I understand you can’t express yourself in the same way as I do, but just say what’s on your mind in the way that you normally talk, and don’t try buttering it up you’ll only make it sound shitty.” “Okay, from the first time I broke into you’re house and we met, and you were nice to me, I sort of fancied you. I’m what you and the rest call queer, but I just couldn’t get you off my mind. I’ve followed you all over the fucking place just to see you, I know the school you go to, and the boys that you hang around with, and that shitty Boys’ Club you fucking visit with your mates. I’ve had heaps of wanks just thinking about you at night, I know that you might think I’m a fucking weirdo, but I thought I’d better tell you then if you told me to Piss Off I’d know that you’re not interested. But I’d still like to be your friend.” Micah was silent for a moment then looking at the boy whose looks and size belied his age, and saw the concern and anxiety on his face, he smiled in the hope that it would put Luke at ease. “So are you going to fucking say something, or just sit there smiling looking smug?” Micah angry that the boy’s sudden outburst said, “I was smiling to try and put you at ease you little shit or can’t you differentiate between the two. But seeing you don’t need putting at ease just Piss Off then.” “Oh, Uh, okay,” and Luke stood up his face drawn, he looked at the older boy who’d been on his mind for the last couple of weeks said, “Bye,” and turned to leave the room. He’d only taken a step when he was grabbed from behind and pulled back onto the settee again next to Micah. “Not so fast, I’ve still got a few things to say before you go.” “What for, you just told me to Piss Off.” “Yeah, well you can do that after I’ve said my piece. Firstly Luke, I’m flattered that you fancy me, and I don’t consider you a queer or any other name you can think of to express your homosexuality. I would very much like to have you as a friend but that’s all, I don’t think I’m in to having sex with you or any other boy for that matter.” “Have you got a girlfriend?” “Umm no, not at the moment, but that can change very quickly if I meet the right girl.” “Shit how old are you?” “I’ve just turned seventeen.” “Are you a virgin?” “Don’t be so bloody personal.” “Bloody Hell, look at the size of you and you’re still a virgin.” “I didn’t say I was still a virgin, and what the hell has size got to do with it.” “If you weren’t a virgin you’d be only too fucking keen to say so. A guy as big and as good looking as you would have either all the birds sniffing around your crutch, or some other boy besides myself trying to get to know you. “How tall are you?” “I’m six feet Luke and weigh 175 lbs, and not everyone goes around shouting about their sexual conquests. There are people who keep certain events in their lives private, and not to be relayed to the whole world. So whether or not I’m a virgin is my business and what you and anybody else cares to think is irrelevant. “Do you always fucking talk like that?” “Uh, what d’you mean.” “All posh and all that shit.” “And do you always talk like you’ve swallowed some shit.” “Why do we always end up fucking arguing? I came here to talk to you and see if you could like me as much as I like you.” “I’m sorry Luke, it’s just the way that you talk and your incessant swearing that gets to me.” “Well if I tried to stop fucking swearing, oops if I tried to stop swearing when I talk will that make it better.” “I like you Luke, swearing or not, but I’m not sure that we could be as close as you want it to be.” “Okay it’s a start, maybe when you get to know me better we could become closer, so are we going to kiss and make up.” “You’re joking?” “Don’t look so shocked Micah, what’s a kiss amongst friends.” “Yeah I’ve heard that before, and it can lead to all sorts of things.” “Come on just a small one.” Micah looked at the pleading face, the boy certainly could put on that little boy lost look that made you feel it would be a crime to refuse him for whatever he asked. “Oh shit!” He exclaimed then leaned forward and pecked the smaller boy on the lips. “Is that alright?” He enquired. “What the ff uh! What was that supposed to be Micah?” “You asked for a kiss and you got one, what more do you want?” “Shhhhhhii! Umm, okay can I give you a kiss now?” Luke leaned forward and as Micah didn’t object brought their lips together. His hand went around the back of Micah’s head to hold him. As their lips met Luke’s mouth opened to engulf the older boy’s lips then his tongue snaked out to force its way between the other set of lips, his tongue invaded the older boys mouth seeking and finding the others tongue. Tentatively Luke let his tongue touch and stroke Micah’s, the response was immediate his tongue was at once engaged and they swirled and danced in a ritual of erotic passion bringing moans of pleasure from both boys. Now Micah’s loins sprang to full erection and were even more aroused when a hand gently cupped and softly massaged his scrotum. The older boy suddenly broke away. “Stop Luke.” The younger boy saw the look of concern on the older boys face, “I’m sorry Micah I’m sorry I shouldn’t have felt you up.” Micah didn’t say a word he stood and lifted the boy and tucked him under his arm and carried him to the front door opened it and set the boy down on his feet on the doorstep. “I think you’d better go home Luke, I have to think about what happened just now, and not have you around when I do so.” “Micah I’m sorry pleeease let me stay.” “No, go home.” “Can I get my mobile I left it in the sitting room on the chair.” “Wait here I’ll get it,” Micah returned to the sitting room retrieved the mobile and made his way back to the front door to see the younger boy standing on the doorstep with head bowed. Micah couldn’t help feeling sorry for him, he looked so small and helpless which he knew from experience was not the case, but still his emotions got the better of him. When he reached the boy instead of giving him the phone he grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the house closing the door behind him. He took Luke back to the sitting room where he dumped him on the settee again and handed him the mobile phone saying. “You’re a thief Luke,” he said sitting down beside the younger boy. “I didn’t steal anything when I broke in this time I promise.” “No, nothing of monetary value, but you’re trying very hard to steal your way into my heart and you’ve very nearly succeeded. I’m not about to let that happen unless I want it to, do you understand.” Luke grinned, “Okay Micah, whatever you say.” “And stop looking so sure of yourself otherwise I’ll kick you out again.” “Sorry Micah,” and the boy hung his head. “Oh God! Quit it Luke, you make me feel like some kind of monster every time I tell you off, actually come to think of it you’re the bloody monster, you’re twisting me around your little finger,” Luke looked at the older boy and refrained from grinning. He didn’t want to push his luck too far instead he put on his most innocent look and said, “I’ll do whatever you want me to Micah.” Micah grinned at Luke’s little performance, “Do you always go into your innocent little boys’ act when you want to get away with things.” Luke knowing that Micah had sussed him out now reverted to norm, “It helps when I get caught doing something I’m not supposed to be doing. So what have you got in mind now?” “No idea you tell me, because every time I make a decision to do something somehow you put an end to it.” “Do you want me to go home to give you time to think things over?” Micah looked at Luke and saw the seriousness of his face, gone was the little boy lost look, in its place was the face of a very beautiful young boy, with light brown hair, who stood no more than five feet two inches in height and weighed about 100lbs. Who at the moment was concerned about what was going to happen to their friendship and which path it would take. “Luke can you answer some questions for me please?” “Sure go ahead.” “Okay and I want an honest answer; do you break into peoples houses often?” The boy looked him straight in the eye, “Yes, and you don’t have to preach to me how bad people feel when they find their house broken into. I’ve heard it all before in the courts.” “If you want to be friendly with me that stops as of now, otherwise get lost. I don’t want to be associated with a criminal.” “Luke’s face reddened he held his tongue and nodded his head.” “What happened to your voice you lose it all of a sudden.” “I’m leaving, when you think you can talk to me in a, in a,” and Luke was struggling to find the words then blurted out, “Fuck you,” stood up and headed for the front door. As he exited the house and walked to the front gate it was opened by Micah’s parents who were just returning home, he nodded to them and continued his way out of the premises. Inside after greeting his parents his father asked, “What did that young boy want that we met at the gate.” “That was Luke dad, he’s like a friend and he’s not so young he’s nearly sixteen.” “My goodness he must be the youngest looking sixteen-year-old I’ve ever seen.” “Yes he doesn’t look his age, anyway dad you’d better get something done about our French Windows in the sitting room.” “Why the concern about those all of a sudden?” “Dad, you have to promise not to say or do anything if I tell you why you need to get the French Windows made more secure.” Mr. Anderson saw the seriousness of his son’s face then agreed to his wishes. Micah then relayed the events of the break in two weeks ago, and also the second and informing him that the culprit was the same boy he’d seen leaving the premises. Mr. Anderson thought for a moment then confronted his son, “Micah, why would you want to protect that boy, he’s a thief, and you don’t know how many other peoples houses he’s broken into, and the emotional upset it can cause.” “I know that dad, but he just sort of got to me and I let him go. Maybe because he looks so young and he feels that what he’s doing is not all that bad. I think he needs someone to talk to him to make him realize the consequences of his actions, and to get him to change his ways.” “And I suppose you think that person could be you.” “Well I thought so dad, but I think I just blew it, I wasn’t very tactful in my approach to the subject that’s why you saw him leaving when you arrived.” “Well I won’t take the matter any further as promised on this occasion Micah, but any more break-ins in this neighbourhood in the future and I’ll tell the police what I know and give a description of the boy.” “Okay dad.” A couple of hours later after saying goodbye to his parents Micah left the house to meet up with his friends at their youth club. After he’d walked for about five minutes he felt as if he was being followed. He looked around hoping to see Luke but the streets were empty. He decided to walk a bit faster then when he came to a turning he swung down the street and ducked into the nearest doorway and waited to see if anyone was following him. He waited a minute and nobody appeared, he gave it another minute and still no sign of anyone following him. He came out from his position looked around and resumed his walk to the youth club. Three hours later he came out of the club with his friends and started his walk home. Arriving at the first junction he made his goodbyes and turned in the direction that would take him to where he lived. He walked quickly and this time there was no feelings of unease of being watched as he walked along the streets. Nearing his house he noticed a form sitting on the gate. “Luke,” he recognized the boy at once and he smiled, his heart beat faster, and he quickened his pace to confront the form on the gate. “Hi,” Luke mouthed as he drew near.” “You been waiting long?” Micah asked.” “Long enough, you’re fucking hopeless at trying to sus someone out. That move of ducking into a doorway and waiting for someone to appear went out in the fucking dark ages, you’ve been watching too much bloody telly. Micah looked at the small form and felt like hitting him for the insults, but at the same time he wanted to pick him up and squeeze him into his body, and that is exactly what he did saying, “Shut your shitty little mouth.” and brought their lips together. As the older boy lifted him off the gate Luke wrapped his legs around Micah’s waist while their mouths and tongues took them on a ride of enlightenment towards each other. Luke clung onto what to him was a gentle giant of a boy that he had fallen in love with on their first meeting, like a baby monkey clings to its mother, he clung onto Micah. The kiss ended and their heads drew back so that they could gaze at each other. “I’m sorry Luke for being rude to you earlier.” “That’s why I fell in love with you, you’re always saying sorry when you really don’t have to. Jeez Micah you’re so big and you’re saying sorry to a little runt like me, and you didn’t do anything wrong.” “Just drop the subject, now what are you doing out so late at night?” “Waiting for you.” “Oh shit that was a stupid bloody question, okay won’t your parents be concerned that you’re out so late.” “No, I happen to live in a home for children and can get in and out whenever I please without them knowing, I don’t have any parents.” Micah looked at the small boy in his arms leant forward and rubbed their noses together, “You want to come inside?” He pecked Micah on the lips, “Yeah.” Lowering Luke to the ground then grabbing him by the hand Micah led him inside the house.
  5. As the story was so badly written decided to delete it
  6. It's the South Alabama A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!" Georgia The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings." Louisiana A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world." Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." North Carolina A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." Tennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?" Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' " *** Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
  7. Three Irishmen apply for a job at factory and are waiting to be interviewed for the one vacancy. Finally all three are shown in to the Personal Managers office and after giving them a short talk, he gives each man a match-box containing a spider saying, “I want you all to take the spiders home and observe them. Then tomorrow at 10.00am I will ask you each for your observations.” The three Irishmen take their spider’s home, and all meet up the next day at 10.00am in the manager’s waiting room. Shortly the first man is asked to enter the office, and is questioned by the Manager as to what he had observed of his spider? The man said “I took the spider out of the box and had a good look at it and saw that it had eight legs and was rather ugly.” “Thank you said the manager will you send the next man in on your way out.” Shortly the second man came in and went through the same process as the first man saying, “The spider had eight legs, was hairy, and ugly.” The manager asked him to send the third man in as he left. The third man came in sat down. The manager asked him what his observations of the spider were. “Well,” the man said, “I took the spider home, examined it and saw it had eight legs and was hairy. Then I decided to train it using my finger. When I said come here, I prodded it to come towards me, then pushing it with my finger I said go away. After a sometime it would come to me when I said come here, and go back, when I said go back. Then I picked the spider up and pulled its legs off and put it back down on the table. “I said come here, and it didn’t move, I said go back, it still didn’t move.” “So what was your conclusion the manager asked?” “Well,” the man said, “It goes to prove. If you pull a spiders legs off it goes deaf.” He got the job.
  8. Tequila Christmas Cake 1 cup water 1 tsp. Baking soda 1 cup sugar 1 tsp. Salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle tequila 2 cups dried fruit Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the Highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point its best a make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat. CHERRY MISTMAS!
  9. A YOUNG boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
  10. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend … but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever… So far, so good.20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite -35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
  11. A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door, OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes
  12. Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me'. 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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