Hi Mike Johnson! My name is Mark Singer and I work for Brody Levesque.
You asked for some feedback, so I thought I'd contribute because part of what I do for my employer is edit articles and journal pieces.
I know there is a huge big difference between Mr. Levesque's work as a journalist and say an author like James Savik or John Francis(Pecman), or Aussie Graeme. (Yeah, I'm a fan of these guys!)
Look, I am not gonna comment on the context cause its your story dude. But the contents structure is kinda rough. For example, you keep jumping between tenses which makes it hard for the reader to keep track of the moment. Also, your narrative floats between first person and third person so some of your ideas get screwed up.
You've got conflict, but its not clearly defined. The great Kurt Vonnegut once said that the key to any good story is use of conflict. The 4 basic types are: Man V. Man, Man V. Self, Man V. Nature, Man V. Society. You can always mix the conflicts Mike, but its kinda important to be clear to the reader which one you're using at that moment.
Also, Feelings are coming thru, but you're not setting the stage too closely which makes it confusing.
Oh, and settings, the transitions aren't there so like one minute you have your guy running to a cliff and then wham, he's on it?
This might help too Mike. Write an outline before you jump in and write details. It doesn't have to be a book by itself either. Just jot down notes of Settings, Actions, characters, and how you want each Chapter to go. Also, that way when you're writing and get lost in the chronology, you can look back and go "oh yeah, that's what I wanted to say or note."
Mr. Levesque actually outlines each article before he writes it and then when he gives them to me or even Lins, he gives us the outline & notes. It helps us edit. But! Mike! Dude, Mr. Levesque is a journalist so he writes from a specific formula. [Who What Where When Why & How] which prolly won't help you cause its different. I'm just saying that an outline helps though.
Well, I dunno if this helps but there you go!
Laters & Good Luck with your story Mike.
Mark