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blue

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Blog Entries posted by blue

  1. blue
    It's been over a month now since my grandmother died. This past weekend was the 11th anniversary of my dad's death. I had a really close relationship with my family. That's no matter what I say about being gay, my feelings about that.
    The past few weeks, after doing a lot of immediately necessary things, I then sort of retreated into my shell. I know I can't really do that. My house is a mess. And by mess I mean something beyond pigsty. Pigs would be offended. My grandmother's house is still to get taken care of. It is neat and tidy, though. There's much to do.
    I've been alternately worried at not doing more, relieved that I can and should rest some, and wondering what's up with me, even though, yes, I've been through this before twice. One with my mom. Again with my dad, worse that time. I am doing better this go-round, and I have some idea what all this is. I'm alternating between, "I don't much care," and "I've got to do all this right now this instant," and a slightly guilty one, "I'm finally free, truly free, for the first time since my dad passed away." Well, and there's also, "how do I reintegrate into normal life?"
    The last few weeks, I've begun getting story ideas, bits and pieces, left and right. Other things have been scattered too. Normal habits are out of sync. My sleep/wake cycle, which has for years now been on emergency duty, day and night, is trying somehow to readjust, but it's completely out of sync. That's complicated by the fact that I've been a night owl most of my life, and more so from early college on. Memory-wise, I'll be fine and then I'll realize I've forgotten some little thing or some not so little thing. Add in very bad eyesight, and whew, it gets...interesting...in the sense of the old Chinese curse about, "May you live in interesting times."
    But that's mostly OK. I know what it is, I've been through it before, and this seems mild by comparison. Partly because, well, I've done a lot of grieving already, before she passed. Yet today, for the first time since then, I found this urge this evening at suppertime to call her on the phone, then remembered I can't. (Well, I could, but that's one heckuva long distance call, lemme tell ya.) -- You do have to learn to laugh, too, at the absurdity of some things.
    So I had been wondering just what's up with me, and tonight, while reading determinedly through a story at AwesomeDude, like I read a couple at Codey's World three days ago, and while I've been listening to AwesomeDude Radio (I swear, Dude and Des and Tim and Azy and Colin aren't paying me to say that) well, it dawned on me what I'm really doing.
    I'm cramming in as much relaxation and playtime and me time as I can, in ways that most appeal to me. I'm somehow, I think, trying to make up for lost time.
    Now, you may wonder a couple of things at this point. One is, Ben, are you OK? -- Yes, I am OK, or as OK as you can be in this situation. I kind of know how this plays out before you get to the other side of it, and this time around, I should know how to short circuit it and get on with things quicker.
    But I feel in some ways like a ghost or like Rip Van Winkle, suddenly waking and finding everything has changed completely, some alternate reality, some Twilight Zone episode, where it's all changed and it's a strange world now. Or like an invisible ghost that now sees things but isn't perceived and doesn't have connections to the real world. Well, except of course that's not quite true. But it is true that my circle of friends in the real world has shrunk to a truly tiny radius. My online life likewise means a whole lot to me, and is still a lifeline for socializing, for friendships, for being an equal partner in this odd primate species.
    That, incidentally, leads into the other question you may be wondering. Maybe you noticed, I didn't say anything about going out much and partying, or visiting friends, or a boyfriend, or...satisfying certain physical urges common to male (and female) primates. The answer to that one is pretty simple: I'm not quite ready yet. I'm actually going to appreciate (mostly) the chance to keep to myself some for Christmas and New Year's. Later on, I'll venture out and attempt to rejoin all those crazy monkey-boys and monkey-girls. And well, I've been a loner for a long time. So those urges mostly get taken care of solo, as much as solo can satisfy those, which is to say, it only partly does it. -- But hey, that will now get a chance to get worked on too, and that will be a very new thing for me.
    That particular aspect is something about being gay that people often miss. I think to some extent, a lot of gay folks are delayed in the dating and relationships department, because if you don't get to go out and practice as easily and often as someone straight, then you're going to have some catch-up homework to do to get up with the rest of the class. For some of us, that's very light. For others, we may have parts of ourselves stuck back in the teens or earlier or later, and so there's a lot to catch up with. Others don't have quite that issue, because for some reasons, they don't have that kind of lag in time or people.
    Well, anyway, right now, I'm about to finish up and head to bed for an indeterminate while to sleep, before my body wakes itself again to do something around here, or to get on the computer and write or surf. I may be up a while still, or I may go to bed, sleep for between two to six hours, and wake again.
    I'll have necessary errands (whatever else I get for making Christmas dinner, plus a haircut, plus whatever) on Thursday and back here. It's possible some out of town family might stop by over the holiday, either Christmas or New Year's, but since another relative is sick, they may not get to visit. (I'm OK with that either way.)
    In other words, I'm just complaining here how out of sync I feel and how odd it is, reintegrating into a world that is very different than what I've become used to.
    Soon enough, I should be up to things again, enough, for instance, to see if two people and a cup of coffee (or some such) can connect as friends after a consolation hug that was, hmm, really, really nice.
    Yes, in some ways, I feel like Rip Van Winkle or a ghost invisible in the world. But sometimes, that anonymity is a blessing, a buffer, a safety net, for a while.
    We'll see how things go. -- Some creativity is happening too, so it's better than you'd think.
    Yup, bedtime, finally. Might be lucky and dream about a nice cute guy. (This has happened a couple of times lately, enough just to reassure me I don't have something off kilter in there, despite whatever my conscious mind may think.)
    Zzzz, g'night, awake again sooner than you'd think.
  2. blue
    Gay. Straight. Both. Neither. Transgender. Intersex. Queer. ... Just how many letters are in that alphabet soup, anyway, and what happens if you don't have enough letters?
    There's a scene in one of my favorite shows, Firefly, where River Tam has taken the labels off most of the canned goods in the ship's pantry. Some of the crew (Jayne, for one) object. River's brother, Dr. Simon Tam, and the preacher, Shepherd Book, say they'll just have unlabelled cans for a while, pot luck, it'll keep things interesting. The idea is that we don't know what's inside, and we aren't defined, limited, to what the labels say.
    Aha, now we're getting somewhere. -- And I'll return to that in a minute. First a few thoughts.
    Neither? Yes, some people, for various reasons, might be "asexual" most of the time. Maybe they've had bad experiences. Maybe they take meds or their natural hormones mean they're not that interested. But yes, as interested as most of us, even the quiet ones, are in, well, one of humankind's favorite activities, there are those who aren't so interested.
    Both? Before you say that's one or the other, perhaps we should consider that everyone feels the need for some time to be "just one of the guys" for "guy stuff" or "just us girls" for "girl talk." We all have best friends, or I'd hope we do. In other words, we are capable of affection, intimacy, with the same and the opposite sex, no matter who we are. OK, I grant, not everyone has sexual feelings for one or the other or wants them. But my point is, we all have some level of feeling for both sexes, built in. And for some of us, perhaps most of us, if we could really look down deep and be comfortable with ourselves, we might find a lot of people are more or less bisexual.
    Gay? (And in this, I count gay males and gay females.) Yes, some percentage of us have sexual feelings primarily for the same sex. There was a UK census or tax study which found about eight percent of respondents were homosexual and living or partnered with someone. There's the 10% figure commonly cited. There's also a figure saying that as many as 1/3 of all guys and 1/3 of all girls have at least one same sex experience in their lifetime. One-third? That's a lot, isn't it? That seems to say either, yes, being gay or bi is more common than we think, or it lends credence to the idea that being bi is something more like the default state than we are generally raised to believe. Most gay people can look back into early teen years or pre-teen years, and see clear indications they were already gay, and parents and families can sometimes report that goes even further back, initial wondering by mom or dad about their child's behavior.
    Straight? Well, yes, naturally, a large percentage of people are straight. The species has to continue. (But humans are good at procreating and at competing.) Being straight is usually considered the default, sometimes to the exclusion of those who aren't.
    But let's see, there's a lot more.
    Transgender, an issue of gender and body, psychological as well as physical gender identity. I've known someone transgender online, before and after coming out and transition. The gender identity was there way before any hormones or surgery to transition. So I count that as very real, not some made-up thing. It is as real for them as it is for me to like guys instead of girls, primarily.
    Intersex, where there is a physical in-between state in how the person is born, a hermaphrodite, neither exactly male or female, for whatever bodily or chemical or genetic cause. Yes, it can be genetics. This is more common than you might think.
    Queer. Well, OK, I grew up with that being as dirty a word as fag or faggot, and I get the distinction given to the word queer in context. It seems to me, in some ways, to cover territory that's already covered.
    But after so many letters and distinctions, I kind of wonder if we are missing something. What if we run out of letters? What if we have to string together a bunch of letters to describe ourselves. I'll have a #4, a #9, a #14, a #19...and it begins to sound like you're ordering takeout from a fast food place, instead of describing your deep-set instinctual drives for physical and emotional fulfillment with another person (or alone, for that matter).
    See, that's where we get into trouble. I think it's where kids get in trouble, way too soon. Why is it that a kid who's just started to figure out how he or she feels about girls and boys, should have to decide, for public hue and cry, that he or she is straight or gay or in between...or undecided, questioning, not quite sure yet? Why should that boy or girl have to decide, even within his or her own mind, "I am gay" or "I am straight" or "I am only this and once I say it, I'm forever labelled this way" ...and forever limited this way, in how he or she or others see him or her?
    How is a pre-teen or teen supposed to figure all that out, when they've just begun really having strong feelings in any direction?
    Now, I'll admit, for some, it's not an issue. They're straight and that's obvious to them. For some, being gay may be equally obvious, but not quite as popular with the rest of the planet, to up and say so, or ask your friend if he or she wants to be a whole lot closer...or just have a little fun experimenting, playing, being affectionate. There's that too, being able to show basic feelings, whether that's sexual, or whether it's just friendly affection, brotherly or sisterly love.
    By the way, isn't it strange how we raise boys not to show feelings, and to shy away from certain kinds of feelings (anger, aggression, fear, sadness) or other kinds (hugging, holding hands, non-sexual touching) not to mention more specific and intimate affection (kissing, more private things). If a boy does certain things, he's a sissy, a cry-baby, not manly, not assertive. If he shows any compassion or outright affection to another boy, he's somehow assumed to be less than straight and less than masculine. How he talks, dresses, moves, sounds, a host of things that a boy or man is restricted from doing. Yet usually, girls are allowed to do those same things, and it's defined as girly, sissy. But that girl can't then be too tomboyish or act too masculine. She has a role to fulfill too. Heaven help her, too, if she doesn't look so pretty and cute. Heaven help that boy if he does look very cute. I wonder if we are creating all sorts of problems for our society because we so limit what boys/men and girls/women are "supposed" to be like, how they are supposed to behave, when as little ones, there isn't that limit. (We can go "awww," when two little boys hug or kiss. But it's not quite so cute by school age.)
    I'm not letting the "gay community" or the "LGBT community" (or all those other letters) off so easily either. Why do folks who've experienced the lack of acceptance and inclusion, the bullying and prejudice that too often goes on, why do people who've been through that and then identify as gay or bi (etc.) then get so up in arms if someone else is, for example, bisexual? "Oh, he's just not admitting it. Or, Oh, he's just confused. He's really...." No, he's really bi. If he says so, we should accept that. If he later says he's gay or straight, we should accept that too. If he later says, yup, still a big ol' bi guy, then we need to accept that. And why should we urge anyone, particularly adolescents or pre-adolescents, to figure out what they are, definitely?
    I did not have it all figured out when I was a teen. I was anywhere from questioning to in denial to undecided to none of the above to perhaps both, all in the same day. I really wasn't so sure if I was straight or gay. I knew, starting with my first real awareness at 11, that I "really, really liked that" (what a classmate and I did together). I knew that I was really curious about, interested in, other boys. But I didn't really understand it. Oh, I'd already been called queer, queer-baited, gay, and faggot by then. But I didn't really, fully get what those were, other than dirty words to call someone to make him feel bad for being different. I had some idea it meant a boy or man who liked other guys sexually. But I wasn't quite sure of what it really was, until it was applied directly, because of, well, what that boy and I did. (Hmm, funny, we both did, so how come that made me a faggot and him not?) -- But throughout my teens, I went from some level of interest in girls (in a sort of general way, but also as potentially sexy) through to less and less interest in them and more and more (oh boy!) an interest in other guys. (Yes, guys, because in my teens, I didn't want my friends and I to be called "boys." We weren't little "boys" anymore, we were guys, men! OK, almost there.)
    It is a symptom of what's wrong, when a guy can't simply go up to a guy and ask him out, the way he can ask a girl he likes. The girl might turn him down, but she's only likely to get mean about it if he's been a jerk and deserves it.
    It's also a symptom when we are so paranoid about same-sex feelings that we as a society forbid students from even hugging, or forbid teachers to hug kids, much less any "public displays of affection" between students. Now, I get how it could be distracting to see Johnny and Mary get into a big-time makeout scene in the middle of school. But I think it's really bad when a school system or other group actually thinks they have to tell students they can only have an "A-frame" hug, and teachers had better not do anything more, because even that A-frame hug is mighty iffy. -- Never mind if some kid just punched Jimmy, or if Sally did extra well and deserves a hug for it. -- No, I'm not making this up, it's from a real conversation with more than one current teacher and more than one school district or group to serve youth.
    Yeah, also, if you grow up trying to find who among your friends you can talk to about those feelings and what you'd like to do, let alone finding a friend to do that stuff with, that really delays or misshapes formation of positive, healthy relationships, and not just sexually. Not only for my own history, either. It applies to a lot of kids and later adults. That's not even considering the kids who get bullied, gossiped about, picked on, or ostracized so much that they get deeply depressed and think about hurting themselves, or try it. When bullies beat up some kid, or when adults turn a blind eye or say it's wrong to be gay/bi, etc., we are missing the boat. When parents or groups won't accept a boy or girl who is being harassed, or who identifies as gay (LGBT), or who is perceived as that, we miss the boat. When a kid runs away or is kicked out -- "Ur doin' it rong," society. If that kid thinks he or she can't talk to mom and dad about it, or doesn't know anyone he or she thinks they can talk to, that's a big problem. Big. As in, potentially life-threatening and potentially losing a nice, smiling, smart kid. Or a nice, average kid who doesn't feel like smiling much. -- Or a young guy who gets just brave and desperate enough to post online for everyone to hear and see how he feels inside.
    Even now, I can still blush, get a little nervous, around a girl (yes, a woman). Somewhere in me is still the latent potential to be with a woman. She doesn't have to be a "hot babe" either. In fact, usually, that's going to be less interesting. -- But no, I'm not nearly as likely to be interested in a girl as I am another guy. Uh, the last time I had a dream or fantasy about a girl was in junior high. What gets my motor going is guys. Anatomically and emotionally, that's who appeals to me. (Sorry, ladies.)
    So, I have to say that somewhere deep down, I'm a little bit bi, but mostly, a lot gay. -- I can say that now, but oh my, in school or in college? Eek!
    I wonder, then, why it is that so many of us, the straight folks and the LGBT folks, all of whom should know better, instead seem to have pressure on kids to decide undeniably one way or the other, and live with that choice.
    I am fine if a teen can come out and be accepted for who he or she is. That's amazing, wonderful! ...And so different from how I grew up. But because of how I grew up, how I felt inside, regardless of how my parents or others might or might not have felt, and because it still is not necessarily safe and accepting out there, I hope teens are careful in how they handle it all. I want them to be loved and accepted at home and anywhere else, for who they are. I want them at least to accept and love themselves within the privacy of their own minds, if they cannot be out yet. Please don't misread me there.
    But I think kids shouldn't have to decide for absolute certain right away, at least not until they are ready and have it figured out well enough inside that they are ready to say, this is me, this is who I really am.
    On the other hand, I wouldn't recommend getting scared of it, denying yourself, and staying in the closet from 19 to only a few years ago, like I did. That, for sure, is not a healthy emotional way to be. It's also too physically lonely, and it means that you are very late getting started on relationships and dating.
    But no, when you're a teen, you shouldn't be required to decide -- nor should you be prevented from affirming, yes, I'm gay or bi or straight or any other of those letters in the soup can. It's OK to be unlabelled, just like it's OK to have that label on the soup can. The main thing is to get a handle on how you feel and who you are, and who you want to be with, whether boyfriends or girlfriends, or with you friends and family in general living.
    Don't even get started with the tomato soup or the crackers. (Grins.)
  3. blue
    The internet is full of anonymous people behind usernames. There are pros and cons to that fact of internet life. That can be a blessing and a curse. The topic's been covered elsewhere enough that I don't feel a particular need to go over it again here. I have something else to say.
    Then there are people who use pen names or stage names to write or do other artistic work. That's normal in the real world. People understand why writers and actors and musicians use pseudonyms.
    Both those situations can intersect for gay-friendly people online. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or any of the other buzzwords, is not as readily acceptable, and is downright unacceptable, for some people. However, some people who are fully out choose to use their names online and don't think twice about doing so. They feel confident.
    Hold it, before you start getting upset with me and telling me all sorts of reasons pro and con. Each person has to make his or her own decision, and people really should protect themselves, rather than risk getting physically hurt or getting robbed or defamed. Minors should be careful online. I get all that. I'm not saying everybody has to give out their name to the whole planet.
    There is, though, a special case or two where this gets tricky. What if you are, or want to be, a published writer, a musician, an actor, or own a business, so that your income depends on getting your name (or your pen name or stage name) out there to the public? Yes, that can be a dilemma on the internet, can't it?
    The simple answer is to go ahead and put your pen name or stage name out there. If that happens to be your real name, then that's what you do.
    Professional authors and other artists and business people do that...and deal with any risks involved. Usually, well, no one much cares about causing someone trouble, and if they do want to cause trouble, there are ways to deal with that; namely, the legal system. So pro authors and artists have their names out there.
    Well, I want to be professionally published, once I have a story long enough and salable. Besides, I have other work I've done over the years.
    You know, this wouldn't be an issue at all, other than using forum names online, or other than the fact that I wasn't out when I first began posting online. Aha, now we're getting somewhere. But I first came out in 2004, and I'm out to many friends. I still have some friends and family I want to tell in person. But I'm out, so...deal with it, y'all (and me).
    So I'm known online as either BlueCatShip (in science fiction forums) or as Blue at Codey's World and AwesomeDude and a small number of other sites where I've visited before. (Note, there's also a B1ue somewhere with a one (1) instead of an el (L) but that's not me.) I'm out anywhere I've posted online. I'm reasonably vocal and open about it. So, ahem, you're not going to surprise anyone.
    Then add in that I want to get published. And really, I don't want to have to separate my "gay" self from the rest of me. Am I perfect? Heck no. But I am who I am, I've said what I've said, I've written what I've written, and...ultimately, forum name or pseudonym or real name, why would I not claim what I've written?
    Is this leading up to some amazing revelation, someone everyone would know? No, I'm really just some ordinary guy. In fact, no one much pays attention or cares overly much what I've written, drawn, sung, etc. There are very few people who'd get upset or notice anymore, with my name out there as writing gay-friendly stuff along with other things I've done. Relatives and friends will either accept it or not. Others I've come out to...weren't overly surprised, y'know? The only other item is my real name is somewhat rare, it's hard for many people to remember, to spell, or to say. But it points to me.
    Except...I was really shocked when I did a Google search on my name. Despite it being a rare family name, there are either two or three guys (I'm not sure) out there on the internet with my name. Huh? That was very odd. One wants to be a writer. The other has had at least two jobs. I think they're both straight guys. The third has a movie credit. Well, isn't that bizarre, considering my name is not common? Well, OK, I will deal with that one if and when the time comes. Hey, my name has been my name for 44 years now, and that includes real-world work since I was in college. It is, however, odd to know there's more than one other "not-me" out there.
    This past weekend, I updated most of the pages on my personal website. This evening, I updated more. I still have a sizable number of pages to update before I'm done. -- My web pages at Codey's World do not yet reflect that, but they will, upcoming.
    My name is Ben Whisman. I'm gay and I'm vision-impaired / legally blind.
    No, there's no need for my forum name to change. But this is one part of who I am, the guy in real life.
  4. blue
    Ever have one of those days? I've been having days like that lately. Especially last night and today.
    The Evil Plot Bunnies are taunting me extra hard lately. Evil Plot Bunnies are the sort of story muses that give you vexing story ideas and characters and don't leave you alone. The term's from a fanfic community I enjoy.
    Well, for a very long time, the Evil Plot Bunnies have been keeping quiet in stealth ninja mode, and I wasn't getting much of anything done. That's because real life was kicking my butt. Still is, but in a different way.
    The last few weeks, the Evil Plot Bunnies kicked it into gear, hopping to it with all sorts of ideas. (Yes, horrible puns, I know. It's me, what did you expect, really?) New ideas. Ideas for combining old ideas and throwing older chapters or scenes into hash, until I figure out what the heck to do. All in all, it's great to have the creative juices flowing again, and to actually write and make a little progress. But geez, now how do I manage this, with yet more ideas and so much not done.
    Besides that, I do have urgent real-world stuff to do. Like get an income and job going again. Like getting my own house in order (no, pig sty, no!) and closing out my grandmother's things.
    I'd love to write tonight. I have a story idea I wrote some on last night and this morning. I know a lot of what I want to do with it. I have an essay to rewrite and a short-short story to rewrite. I have a short story challenge to write from scratch, a few ideas, but nothing so far that's grabbed me and said, "Write this or else!"
    There's only one problem: A friend brought over some food earlier in the week, and last night and all today...stomach bug. I threw out the rest of that food, as good as it tastes. Youch. Bummer. So, I'm about to get off the computer and read a real, live, printed book, plus scribble in a notebook or two.
    Not getting anything done this way. Dang it.
    I'm really frustrated. I have several ideas, but none right now is grabbing me as the idea to write on for the story challenge, very aggravating. I want to finish a story and submit it. Well, there's still a month and two-thirds. We'll see.
    Waah, waah, waah.
    Maybe I can come up with a whiz-bang new idea or turn one of the ones I've got into the idea for the story challenge. (If only several of those felt like shorts instead of novels.)
    Well, anyway, we'll see.
    But yeah, the Evil Plot Bunnies are pointing and laughing, hanging all over my chair and desk, writing embarrassing things in my computer, and making freaky jokes involving garden vegetables and unlikely situations. Also, they keep demanding booze and smokes, and I don't smoke and hardly ever drink. Obnoxious, these Evil Plot Bunnies. They keep thinking of new and convoluted ways to put story characters through the wringer. You'd think, no, they'd come up with some fun stuff and a comedy scene or two, but noooo, some poor hapless character gets himself in a jam and whew, there's angst and blood, sweat, and tears, and y'know, adult situations, themes, language, violence, nudity, sexuality, and...and stuff.
    Don't worry, most of that stuff never makes it past the keyboard. I have these secret Anti-Evil Plot Bunnies. You know, plot bunnies without the disturbing goatee. (Right, you know, they're bunnies, not goats....) -- In fact, I have in mind to challenge myself to do a comedy story or two.
    Anyhoo, I'm off to read and chill out.
    I wonder if I should email EleCivil and Graeme a couple of those Evil Plot Bunnies, just, y'know, for the halibut....
  5. blue
    "Hello, World."
    Is this thing on? Oh, hi, there you are!
    Some time back, I was asked if I'd start a blog. I did. It got spammed and then deleted. Meh.
    Here we are again because someone asked again. You do know asking a writer if he wants a place to blab whatever the heck he wants to (within reason) and especially someone who's physiologically incapable (almost) of short posts is like...well...let's just say it could get messy.
    But the trouble with a blog is, you (the writer) want to have something cool to say. Otherwise, you're just filling column inches and word count. (Hush about the inches, wouldja, we're trying to run a commendable establishment here.) (Is it working yet?)
    Here, you'll find my usual weird sense of humor and random stream of consciousness. Yes, kinda makes you wonder.
    I tend to reply to forum posts or start new topics a lot. I'm not used to a blog or a journal or a diary. Dairy, though, I like dairy.... Yes, I have a profound weakness for bad puns.
    I have an opinion piece (op/ed or essay) and a non-fiction personal remembrance coming up this week or next, and I'm hoping to complete a short story in time for a story challenge, with another awaiting a rewrite before it's final. -- And all of that is extraordinary for me. I have a folder stuffed full of bits and pieces of stories, story ideas, and even multiple chapters, but very little that's completed. So to have two essays and one story almost ready, and another story supposedly in progress, is a really big deal for me. I'm very happy about that, astonished, even.
    My schedule right now is more like 52 card pickup, so you'll see updates from me whenever the mood and the time strike me. My life's up in the air as I restart, after my grandmother passed away last month, so I'm not sure how steady I'll be at writing, with lots to do real-world. But we'll see.
    I'll have another post soon that says something about me personally.
    Oh yeah, and where am I online? I'm "blue" here at AwesomeDude and Codey's World. I'm BlueCatShip at my own website, http://www.shinyfiction.com/ , and at a few science fiction forums. I'm out anywhere I'm online. I'm out to some friends and soon, more friends and family. But "blue" or BlueCatShip is only a forum name. People also know me, any of those places, as Ben W., and in a few weeks or maybe less, that W. will be out there too.
    I have audio available at Codey's World and soon at my site, and I've done audio here for AwesomeDude Radio, and science fiction fan audio elsewhere, a few times. I got dared into doing a video clip for a science fiction fan video, just a New Year's celebration thing. But that means you might see me that way online. I don't know yet if I'll try to post to YouTube, but I'm BlueCatShip there.
    So howdy, world.
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