[Julian's Story]

I just now saw this, I'm sorry.

What would I really know about a young guy like him? I had a very loving family, in nearly every way. The only big issues, I've come to realize, had to do with over-protection and the lack of almost anything regarding sex and nudity, homosexuality even more so. But in nearly every other way, I had good parents and grandparents, a good "church family," and so on. (But that over-protectiveness combined with my handicap meant I grew up with very few friends outside of classes at school.)

So I can't claim to really quite understand where a boy like him is coming from, without any grounding in what it means to have family or friends, a stable home life, people to rely on, emotional support, normal friendly/family physical affection, the guidelines and boundaries and the freedoms too that go with those.

OK, except that the things I did go through growing up, teasing and bullying and exclusion and over-protection, and a natural loner tendency, all added up to two opposing things: I have a tendency to be careful and cynical about people, even friends, and to keep some things inside my shell. It may seem like I'll say anything and everything private, from my forum posts, emails, or messaging. But that is something I have had to learn to do. Also, it's connected to the other point, the polar opposite: I also have a big need for belonging, companionship, friendship, love, the whole thing, because I always felt like an outsider. I tend to only show the real me, or all of me, to my closest friends only. (I am not sure why I show as much as I do online.)

I feel like everything good, with other people, relationships, life generally, comes from being willing to love, to open up. Fear and consequences may get obedience, but they do not get willingness, the desire to follow, faith, loyalty, compassion, friendship, or love. Only being loving does that. It is fine to have requirements, guidelines, even rules to follow, if those are reasonable and fair. But those must also include love, friendliness, lovingkindness (an old-fashioned word), and another old-fashioned word, fellowship, and companionability. If no one wants to listen, just be there for you, how on earth are you ever going to want to open up, to stretch out, and try to be more?

I know the system works to that expectation of rules and consequences. I know why it does. But it just isn't enough. The whole idea behind family and child and senior welfare ought to be love and stability and restoring wholeness, or I think it's missing the whole point. The justice system, certainly for youth and families, has to be there to restore that wholeness too, to make what went wrong into what can go right again. Or again, it misses the point. (That was my objection to the recent flap over a judge's decision regarding a high school honors student who was deemed truant, because she was working to support her brothers and sisters. The judge followed the letter of the law, but his decision did nothing to consider or to restore what was broken in the girl's and family's case, and yet the court was empowered (and expected) to do so, in justice.)

I hope Julian can be with people who will heal what's happened in his life, so he can learn to find the love and trust and relationships that will heal what needs healing in his life. If not with you and David, then maybe with another family. I'd hope he'd get the chance to keep in contact with you if he wants to, now or later. Being 15 (or 18 or 21) is not too late to change in life. It's for dang sure change happens when we don't want it. But it can also happen when we want to change, when we choose to change and stick with it. At least, I want that to be true too.

Best wishes for him and for you both and other foster youth with you guys.

[Top versus Bottom]

Blue actually read this and is actually going to post a reply. Actually!

Long, ambling posts? I can't object, ppl would throw too much popcorn.

The internet didn't exist in my teens, including college age. I was too embarrassed and timid (and feeling too guilty) (or not desperate enough) to check some of the more directly informative areas or publications, shall we say. What I knew, I got from hearing guys and girls talk, TV, the library, and the bookstore. Oh yeah, and what little actual experience I had, which mostly included not getting as experienced as I would've liked. This, despite being a very "confused and questioning" teen. Lotta questions, lotta curiosity, not enough answers, and I guess I was looking for answers from the wrong people/places. (Not bad people/places, mostly, just not, um, gay or bi enough, I guess. But then, I was really uptight.) Also, I was just as often convinced (and probably right) to feel like I was being baited a few times. (Such as the boy who, sitting out in P.E., thought he'd say he bet I plucked my eyebrows, didn't I? Um, do what? You gotta be kidding me.)

Anyway, so in my vast not-much-experience but much interest in the subject, when I wasn't feeling conflicted about it, I can say a few things.

In my teens and twenties, if some friend had actually been nice enough to ask me if I wanted to do anything, and if I had had the cajones to say yes, what would my preferences have been? Easy: I couldn't have imagined anal would be good. My answer would likely have been a very articulate, "Ugh!" or maybe as much as, "Gross!"

I would not have known "top" or "bottom", but I would've figured it out from the words. Heh. (Though I might've had a little confusion on whether that had to do with what went where, versus who was where, altitudinally.) However, I would've figured it out, I'm sure. LOL.

That was then. That was also before the internet, and the chance to read things or see things. Um, and some of those sounded good, or at least OK, maybe worth a try, maybe, once I had time to get used to the idea. (Or get more desperate, possibly.)

However, back to the teens, I would've been very glad for the other options. By myself was fun, I have a good imagination. But of course, I wanted more of the few times with someone else. I just had very little idea how to ask or be asked. ... But except for one (possibly two) guys, it was pretty much me, shy about it as I was, trying to discover if a friend might be open to the idea of a guy doing anything with another guy, or in particular, him and me. I am very sure I fumbled this one in spectacular fashion, more than once. I must not have been around the right guys, I guess. (I hear about other guys' multiple explorations and I'm awed, dudes.)

My own opinion on anything in this department is, I'd want both partners to be just as willing (eager) to give as well as receive. Sharing. Equals. To me, that sounds much better, much less like somebody's missing out in the relationship. But then, I have had it pointed out to me that some people might really enjoy giving or receiving any of the various menu choices, even if they or their partner isn't especially keen on doing the same. Some people don't like it too spicy. Others don't like chocolate. (I mean chocolate, not a euphemism. I thought everybody liked chocolate. Oh well.)

Or a more basic question, how are you going to know if you are a top or a bottom if you haven't tried both? In that, I mean any of those menu choices.

Because of my own preferences earlier on, I can certainly understand it if someone doesn't want or like, say, oral or anal. If they don't like it, they shouldn't have to do it.

Um, OK, I do understand the idea of the Kinsey scale, some are straight, some are mostly straight, some are bi, some are mostly gay, some are gay. But I'd also say I have to wonder about the idea of a "straight top" or a "straight bottom." If he's primarily straight, OK. But if he's sought out and actively (or heck, passively) participating, top, bottom, or (heheh) sideways, uh, I'm not so sure he's exclusively straight, you know? ;) I'd say he's a little bi, at least.

Having said that -- Yes, it is also quite possible for a guy to be acting out from past experiences, bad or good. It's also possible a guy may feel tremendous guilt or at least tremendous confusion and questions about any kind of same-sex activity.

I grew up with the idea everywhere that boys weren't supposed to do things like that with other boys. So imagine my surprise when my body, mind, and heart wanted to do things like that with other boys. Heh. It's notable how good and right it feels during, yet you have questions or guilt after. It's also notable how, when there's someone you really like, it feels so good and right to find out or be found, heh. ... But eventually, you have to discover it really is OK to like the same sex for whatever you and he (or she) might want to do.

My opinion, including in one area where I don't have actual experience.

So there. I've just made one of my most revealing and controversial posts ever. Hoo boy.

[Ad Nauseam]

Dang, I hadn't made the connection with the poster.

I'd wondered about your avatar, since it looked like a photo manipulation or other graphic arts work.

The full poster -- that's good stuff. Personally, I don't think everything has to be perfect technique, even if yes, I'm a perfectionist too. It gets a message across in a striking way, and that is the whole idea behind propaganda and ad/mktg, you want them to remember what you were saying and what the product, service, idea, or person is. IMHO, the upturned face does that to a T. (Heh, transgendered T? Wasn't trying for a pun, honest.)

I've known one person online who is trans, before, during, and after. But other than that, I don't know much about trans folks. Myself, uh, evidently I like male parts so much that that's what I want in a partner, heheh, as well as myself. :) But perhaps because being gay means I had to figure out my feelings, the confusion of, is this OK, and why do I have these other feelings for some guys but not really for girls, or where some friendship-feelings blended into sexual attraction and feelings, well, to me, all of that has to have some similarities to how someone's gender identity feelings, transgender, must be.

I agree with Camy, that could be a really fine album cover, close cropped. Or you might want to do a similar pose with new photos and work from there.

Geez, I would think a poster about transgender would have the fur flying in a class critique, if they didn't stay on the topic of the art, style, technique, and presentation.

Thanks for the post about the artwork, that's great. Art's always welcome.

[Vampirism]

That...was truly inspired!

"Transitive properties...wood pulp...then stop biting people!"

Hahahaha! Oh, man, that is so classic! Hahahaha!

I would love to see that in a story!

[Is 'Gay' a Religion]

Very thought-provoking article, Des.

A couple of the comments struck me.

One lesbian wanted a vulva instead of a phallus. No argument there. The "gaia / earth mother" folks would be in favor, as would several prehistoric sculptors.

Another commenter tried to claim the Bible was not a religion and that there wasn't the word, "homosexual," back then and that people "didn't do it." Uhhhhh.... That commenter really needs someone to explain a great many things. Must've slept through history class and Sunday School....

Gotta think some on the article. Thanks, Des, very nice food for thought.

[Were you in the Stonewall riot?]

Apple's ppl are trained for customer service and work at it. Probably put it to Steve Jobs' salesmanship flair. Their ppl also tend to be smart, and I'm told both Apple and Microsoft have very forward-thinking policies towards LGBT employees.

But they are often friendly. The difference between an Apple Store and Worst Buy is day and night.

My last visit to an Apple Store, a *very* counter-culture young guy (funky hair and beard, very nice looking) helped me. I may still have his card. While there, a more conventional black guy also asked if I needed help.

So...It could just be they were eager to help, eager for a sale...but sure, they might be gay and friendly.

My gaydar tends to default to "I think he's straight" or "I don't know" more often than "hey, I think he's gay." Yes, my gaydar needs a tuneup.

So yeah, uh, I dunno if the nice counter-culture young dude was gay, straight, bi, or diagonal....

Siiiigh. -- But my next computer will likely be a Mac. Hoping that won't be for another couple of years, though. I didn't jump on the newest iPhone and iPad this year. Maybe next year for the iPhone, dunno about the iPad. Really, I'm expecting the iOS and MacOS to merge soon. I'm already seeing what I think are signs of that.

Uh, but to the point of the blog post -- Yay for those nice gay guys at the Apple Store!

Stonewall, no; I'm 46.

[My Life in a Rocky Horror Picture Show]

I'm a science fiction fan, but I led a very sheltered life. I have never (yet) been to a theatre screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show to get the full effect. I'm told I should bring a raincoat. I believe this involves liquid, probably during the finale.

I have, however, been to a few scifi conventions, and they have been mostly great fun. -- Friends at a couple of forums would get a huge thrill out of seeing your picture in costume, above. -- I missed out on recording myself for inclusion in a Time Warp video, but there's hope for future videos. -- Des, that photo is awesome!

It's been too long since I last went to the movies. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things this year, despite budget freak outs. -- I've been to only one IMAX presentation, the Fantasia 2000 showing. -- But there's something cool about going to the movies that you don't get at home. And no, I'm not referring to the need to sweep and mop the theatre floor, haha, from all the sodas and popcorn. Your TV and couch at home aren't quite the same as that big silver screen and sharing a movie with a live audience.

How cool, I know Riff Raff! Well, sort of.

[Reader Feedback and Personal Philosophy]

I still believe, I think, but I have some major questions for the "big guy" and I'm not too shy about asking or complaining when I pray. Yes, I have doubts. Yes, my life has had some major **** in it. Yes, there's plenty of evidence of bad people doing bad things, of random events doing bad things, and occasional evidence of very good people doing very good things just because, or of good stuff happening for no particularly apparent reason. That, and there have been a couple of "inexplicable occurrences" that, well, I can't explain logically, rationally (duh) and so I don't know. I would like to believe there's a greater good, all encompassing consciousness somehow. I have sometimes wondered if it might be simply...neutral. See, lots of questions. And the questions I had about how being gay fit in (or didn't) with my religious upbringing and beliefs...was my nemesis, my bête noir. When it finally got through to me that the translations and interpretations I'd grown up with were in all probability wrong, while there were other, more valid ones, it helped. Yet here I was, damaged by all that, and by other stuff, trying to heal from it. I guess life is one long, strange trip after all.

That is to say too, who am I to judge a friend for his or her religious beliefs, or lack of them? I came to the conclusion that if God exists, he's at least very different (and way more into options and guidelines than actual rules) than any of us humans thinks. In other words, most likely each and every human has only a very tiny glimpse, that whole three blind men and the elephant thing.

Not to be rude, either, but you know, no one ever said what happened if one of those blind guys happened to be feeling around and got ahold of the elephant's more personal attributes. LOL, for either the elephant or the blind guy, must've been a very disconcerting experience. -- What that really would have to do with religion or anything else, I'm not too sure, but well, it must say something. (Other than that I need to get out more....)

P.S., I think I have the file you'd sent way back in the day, when you'd submitted "Fistfights With Flashlights" to Codey's World. I'll send you what I have.

P.S., Keep bein' you. I think that's pretty awesome.

[Crying]

I could write a lot on the subject of crying. My other posts do cover it, but obliquely. As a kid, I hated getting teased and being so sensitive about it all. I developed a shell, a brick wall, a suit of armor. I still showed my emotions. But some things, I didn't show to anyone else publicly. A lot of letting out anger, fear, sadness alone, in private,with no one else there. Crying can be OK in private, as can fear or anger, but crying in particular...I think we *need* to be able to cry around someone else, who will be there for us, or hold us, or comfort us in other ways.

I am grateful that I didn't grow up thinking I *had* to hide all my emotions to be "manly." My dad grew up stoic. He had deep feelings, but you had to know him to know what he was feeling. He was, however, the kind of man who didn't want his son to grow up that way. He was mostly a good dad, and for that, I'm very grateful.

Um, and Tyler sounds like a great guy. Good friend to have, at 15 or whenever. :)

[My Teenage Missing Link]

Left or right cheek?

It has been, well, many years now, since I sat back, twice, and told people I didn't care if two different friends were gay or not, they were still my friends and could do what they liked. I am still very proud of those two cases. (And I miss both friends.)

It was about a year or two after, when a boy in one of my classes accused me, loudly in front of the teacher and the class, of being "a fag!" I denied it. (I was in denial, I was questioning, and I hadn't quite figured out if those feelings for certain boys were...what they were.)

I nearly came up out of my seat at the other boy. You'd have to understand, I was your typical mild-mannered geek. Anything that would actually piss me off enough to get me to come out of my seat at some big jerk had to be some insult. It was. To me. The teacher, a short, overweight guy who taught math and computers as well as coached, told us both to cool it, or he'd send us to the principal's office. I remember worrying, what if my parents found out? I sat back down. I believe there was some sort of growling between us two boys. (I was about 17. I would not have taken well to being called a boy, but it wouldn't have merited getting out of my seat.)

Mr. Stackhouse probably handled it the right way. But I have wondered a few times, what would've happened if I'd said yes, I was! (I wasn't sure then, but there were plenty of clues, including two rather spectacularly failed crushes.) What if I'd been sent to the principal's office? Well, it was the mid-80's. "Homosexual" or "orientation" were not in the student handbook. Non-discrimination and not fighting were, however. I never did figure out how my parents would've reacted to the news their son was gay. It might have been a disaster. It might have been just fine. I really don't know. And the 1980's are a long time ago now.

What does it say about me, that I jumped to defend friends and said I didn't care if they were gay, but I jumped to defend myself and claimed I wasn't, at around the same time, within two years of each other? I am not sure, except it says I was not yet ready. It does say that about some things, I was ready to act on instinct, without hesitation (and frankly without thinking ahead) which was unlike me most of the time. It says I did have principles and was grownup about some things. But not my own case.

If I had gone after that boy, I probably would've gotten in a punch or two and so would he. He probably would've won. But I might've been proud I'd tried. I am not saying that's a brilliant idea to solve things. In fact, probably not. Our teacher was right to stop us before we got into a fight. I'll admit that, as non-violent as I usually am, there was a part of me that wanted to fight that boy for calling me out in front of everyone, for calling me a fag. I'll also admit, well, I was gay and hadn't come to terms with it yet.

It is important that I would stand up for friends, even if I couldn't yet for myself. -- Insulting or harming a friend is still the number one quickest way to get me truly angry and get me arguing, defending them.

There are two major differences between back then and now, though.

One, we've made a little progress. It isn't quite as forbidden to admit you like guys, their brains and feelings and yes, what's in their shorts (and any other part of their anatomy). It is, or at least it seems to be, a little more OK.

Two, there was not the internet back then. A boy who was questioning couldn't simply double-click his browser and look up things in Google and Wikipedia. You know, like finding AwesomeDude or Codey's World, or discussions about what it's like to be gay, or YouTube videos by out gay guys. Or, well, things of a more unambiguous nature depicting young guys in a more natural state and perhaps together. Or, for that matter, simply being gay people living an ordinary life.

It would've been very surprising to me if I'd been able to see those things online, but that didn't exist yet. My brain and hormones would've both been highly impressed, that's for sure.

The system is not always right. Sometimes, we have to stand up and say so, in a way that does some good. Be a little impudent now and then. Be a stand up guy. Or a sit up guy. Be outspoken. Or anyway, write, communicate. Be yourself.

What's the take-away lesson? It's good to stand up for your principles. It's good to stand up for people you care about, or for complete strangers, if the cause is right. It's good to stand up for yourself. If you aren't much good in a physical fight, well, that's what brains are for. Use your words and actions. Be smart. If you can't stand up, you can still put up a good defense sitting down, even crawling. (A friend asked me that once. He was not kidding.) If you aren't much good in a fight, then use your words and speak out. Take the bully's fight away from him in a way that makes it so he can't get away with fighting you. Or wait and speak out at an appropriate time, in a way that'll do some good. What if you can't speak well, or at all? (Again, someone asked seriously.) I say, you still have a brain. You can still communicate. You can do a lot to oppose stupidity and intolerance and promote acceptance and understanding.

Most of all, accept yourself. Be proud of who you are inside. If you can't be out, if it's not safe for you at home or publicly, to be out, then wait until you can be. But meanwhile, accept yourself and be a friend to others. There will be a time and there will be friends who accept and support you as a gay or bi person.

[Ple-ize, stop!]

I recently have seen, "we have the capability to...". The writer/speaker was trying to increase word count, or just not thinking of, "we're able to..." or better yet, "we can...".

Do be sure that when you write that you formerly did something, you write it as, "used to (something)" instead of "use to," or your editor will have to chase you with a wet noodle...probably because they no longer make bottles of liquid paper / white out.

Churchill was also known for writing, "this is the sort of thing, up with which I will not put," regarding an editor's change for certain uses of a verb and preposition ending a sentence. (In grammar, those would be "fixed expressions.") Churchill was, by the way, sensible about that.

I've practically given up on "whom".

Don't get an editor started. It's worse than a frustrated English teacher. ;)

[Alphabet Soup and Unlabelled Cans]

Thanks to a couple of good friends and some musing of my own, understanding how someone bisexual thought of things actually helped me understand being gay better. If I could understand that "in between" gradient, what it really meant, then I could better understand my own place on that scale and my feelings growing up.

I think kids feel pressured within themselves to figure out their feelings, if they notice much of a same-sex attraction in themselves, whether gay or bi. That's self-knowledge. But they also get pressures from their peers and family and from society in general to identify themselves, to label or pigeonhole themselves. The majority would have them label themselves as conveniently and solely straight. At least in my experience, it's much less likely kids growing up will find much acceptance for the idea of being not so straight. But when they do, there's again the pressure that surely they must belong to the "gay" label, meaning primarily or exclusively gay. And if they don't identify much with the perception they have of what it is to be "gay," then that's a problem, as it's another problem if they have some attraction to either sex and a larger attraction to the other, male or female. Because, as you noted, being bi is something not overly popular among either the straight or gay, uh, aggregates, for lack of a "community," per se.

The existence of the labels isn't so much what I think causes the pressure to define oneself according to one of those labels. I think it's the expectation by many (most?) people that surely you (or I) must fit some neatly defined label and only that one. But of course, words have shades of meaning that often connect to other words, or blur around the edges. I think yes, there's some pressure to label oneself, or to label others. The trouble with those labels is that they sometimes keep us from noticing the other shades of meaning or how those join or merge into adjoining areas or ideas.

If I say, for instance, that I'm white, that ignores the truth that, at a few points along the last few generations, there are either confirmed or rumored Indian ancestors and relatives, and perhaps others further back beyond what's in historical memory or what's been forgotten, lost. Never mind that I, generations down the line, might not mind, might be proud of, and might benefit from knowing genetically, if I have this or that particular group in my blood (and genes). That "white" label, or the very pale paleface white-boy me, blond hair and blue eyes, hides or covers or ignores the fact of those other ancestors (and probable present day cousins). (Not to mention that because a family or community might not approve, or an orphan might not know, that such things might be deliberately or accidentally lost to memory.)

Likewise, if I say I'm gay, that doesn't take into account that latent possibility that I might be attracted to a woman now and then, quite unexpectedly. Nor does being able to say I'm gay, being out, take into account my pre-teen and teen years, when I knew I liked boys, but couldn't simply say, "OK, cool, now if I can just find one who likes me back," instead of being reluctant or afraid to open up. (But hey, I was shy and it wasn't the most tolerant time and place, and I was uptight myself.) Saying I'm gay also doesn't really cover that period in the closet, when yup, I was gay, but not doing anything about it with anyone else. (Psst, Blue means it was a DIY kind of thing.) -- There are plenty of other people whose life experiences are quite different than mine, but they are equally "gay" or other labels; and I'm not the only one out there with a life history similar to mine.

There was a time when you were encouraged only to label as straight and nothing else, or when it was so assumed that no label was considered or accepted. Then there was a time, our present time, when other labels became permissible but still required.

What I'm trying to say is that I hope we can reach a time when we can outgrow the need for silly labels, when it doesn't really matter where along that scale we are, any more than our eye or hair color, and any more than our skin color ought not to matter, though our Western culture is still working on that one, including within its own Western definitions.

When having that label or indications of it can get a boy or girl, a man or woman, so harassed that they lose important parts of themselves (or their livelihood, home, relationships) or forced into anguish because of it, or feel hopeless, then that label is a hindrance to growth, personally or as a group. Too many do face negative consequences because they fit that not-quite-straight label. Surely there's some better way out there.

Note: I don't buy into the notion that if "they" won't accept "us," then we can just go over here and associate only with "us" in the gay neighborhood. That's isolationism, or less nicely, the ghetto mentality, or more childishly, "I'll just pick up my marbles and go home." That doesn't work. You can't be "only gay" (or only LGBT) and still participate with the rest of the world. If you limit yourself to just those gay folks, you're missing out on a large percentage (anywhere from 2/3 to 90% or so) who are straight primarily. "Us and them" just doesn't work.

How does that work by way of explanation? Does that make better sense?

[Tuning]

Very cool, and the syllables running together explains something I'd heard in a non-Indian music context. Very interesting.

It's also neat in that they take syllable mnemonics in another and complex direction than the European do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti-do. Take it further, and you could express an entire syllabary back and forth in musical notes/phrases. Hmm.... Gonna have to think on that one.

Thanks for the great link, that was great to hear and see.

[Evil Plot Bunnies]

Thanks, Jason. -- I might've run into an evil pot bunny a time or two too. I overdid the spices (new spice mix with no directions) the last time I did a roast. The roast was great, but boy, did it have a zing to it! (I would've been fine with even half the amount, but it wasn't a disaster. I'll even try it again, but with half the spice mix, plus roast veggies.)

Chef or owner/manager or waiter, hey, a good restaurant is always appreciated.

Another kind of pot bunny? Well, I don't, but a couple of friends do. Chacun à son goût. (Each to his own taste.)

Thanks, Jason. -- Thanks, Camy.

[Why Dildo?]

I got brave and peeked. I'm too busy laughing for my shy or uptight self to be outraged or embarrassed.

While it occurs to me that making a cast of one's appendage might be either overly exciting or overly constricting, depending on one's feelings, I will also admit to two other reasons:

# It beats the heck out of making something destructive.

# If you've ever wanted one for each hand, now's your chance!

# If anyone has ever said you are a big d***, now they can know just how big.

# When you have guests come over, you'll immediately know who likes nude sculpture and who doesn't, and who is a bit uptight and who is more, ah, relaxed and open-minded.

# When Dad needs to talk to Junior about the birds and the bees, now Dad will have a lifelike visual aid for the discussion of condoms, instead of that goofy banana. Although the humor factor with the banana is perhaps a plus.

# If Junior gets brave enough to ask ol' Dad about other boys, regarding the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, then ol' Dad, being the gutsy sort of man he is, now has that same lifelike visual aid so Dad and Junior won't feel so awkward having that discussion about Junior's buddy in the second row in English class.

....Not that, you know, I'd know about that cute boy in the second row in English class....Nope, it never occurred to me how nice he was and how nice it would be if....More to the point, I never did get to find out if he thought I was nice that way too....

Aha! Now there's an idea!

# Fun science experiment! Or art class! Buy two kits. Heck, buy a dozen! Invite your best friend over and have a memory you can share the rest of your lives! Way better than a photo, you can share your...uhhh....

OK, I'm thinking, "Hey Johnny, wanna come over, stick your wiener in some goo until it gets hard (the goo and your wiener!) and then get it off (the cast or the...)..." Um, yeah, I'm not too sure how that would go over, even with your more adventuresome buddies....

Then again, perhaps that's shortchanging, underestimating your buddies; dare I say, not giving them their full measure. It could be a lengthy discussion.

Yeah, so maybe it was me or the guys I hung out with, I dunno. Darn it!

# Give a kit away as a gift! I guarantee, the guy will wonder what your intended message was, whether you think he'd like to share, or whether you think he's such a big p**** that he needs one.... :devil:

Um. Yes. Right. I'll just be quiet now, eh?

Yeah, it's always the shy, quiet ones, isn't it? :rotfl:

P.S. -- Don't tell my uptight inner self. He'd be so embarrassed, just knowing I responded.

Responded? What? ... My subconscious just loves to get me in so much trouble, no matter what I type. :angel:

[Mixing Sexuality and Music With Pride]

OK, very late to the thread, sorry. I had pressing engagements. (I wish.)

Well, I saw the blog post title, and I was all ready for a discussion of big hair or weird hairstyles, or perhaps the ecstatic reactions to music by the performers and audience, or well, I'm not sure, but that didn't happen in the topic. I was all geared up to babble a reply though. Anyhoo.

So instead, I see Des got himself in trouble on the tube again. Hmm, I think possibly it's not the first time he's had trouble after dealing with a tube of some sort, yes? Though perhaps the experience (and fun) was worth the trouble. Yes, I'm being intentionally a bit sassy with the innuendo there. It's not my usual written voice, but what the heck, why not try something new? I'd like to think I'm growing too.

But about comments dropping off or negative comments? Well, I have sometimes wondered if I'm Blue the Topic-Killer, much like whoever it was, the Giant-Killer. (Joe or David, either one.) I don't know why some topics stop getting comments, when it seems like there's still plenty to discuss. :shrug:

Negative comments or lack of response, when you've just said you're gay? Eh, it happens. Des is likely more experienced dealing with that than I am, so he probably doesn't need my reply there. We can expect a few negatives or lack of response. We won't get into what my phobic aunt would say. (I think I may do a send up of her, at some point.) Let's just say, you've heard before, all the things she'd say.

YouTube is marvelous about many things, and less than marvelous about a few others. I could say a lot about that. A recent video from two very nice kids doing a "Don't say that word, it's offensive!" skit? Sadly, most of the "related/recommended" videos were...pretty creepy, given the titles and screenshots. That had nothing at all to do with the nice kids' video, which was wonderful. There was a similar supposed "relation" when a friend sent me a link to a video by two teens doing a "banana phone" skit. Nothing whatsoever was "gay" about the two boys joking about a banana phone; not even the banana. Yet the "recommended/related" videos were, again, not so wholesome entertainment value. As a gay man, that offends and saddens me. If I were still a gay boy, school age, I would still be somewhat freaked by that. Sometimes, it's quite innocent and funny or just plain silly, the nonsense of daily life. Other times, you would wonder what's going through the minds of whoever recorded and posted it, to put it online. (Nothing particularly wrong with some of that, but do you really need to show your buddies or kids or whoever, doing whatever, if it's going to make a viewer twitch because someone sent a link?) And the stuff that's more adult content? Well, OK, but does it need to be where the whole world, including young kids, can see it? Why not have some way so people can filter or grant or limit access as appropriate? That's my main beef about how YouTube does things.

On the other hand, YouTube is great in letting gay folks post all sorts of things. Their everyday concerns. Humor. Satire. Rants. Art. Hey, I think it's awesome (I heard that word somewhere) that young gay folks or older gay folks or allies or some talking vegetable or critter, can get on YouTube and post discussion, music and art, all sorts of cool things. I sure wish I could've seen that when I was a schoolboy. (Um, and hey, I might not have minded some of the other, when I was in the mood to see that too. And yes, I would've been, sometimes. I'm human, alright. I got urges, same as anybody. Mine just happen to be gay urges. Well, y'know, makes sense, right? Yeah, so.) Quite aside from that, though, is the next item.

I deeply appreciate that things like Jonah's video, or the It Gets Better Project or the Trevor Project can be on YouTube. Or a ton of supportive videos rallying behind those. Awesome again. (Look, I use that word, OK, chill.)

OK, what about all those people commenting on YouTube videos? The vast majority are fine. Everything from enthusiasm to fanboy/fangirl to me-too's to mundane comments. Yes, many are kids just having a good time chatting about this or that video. Cool. Good.

Yeah, I see the commenters trying to save and convert people, because they think it's a sin or unnatural or some such. Thanks, but I happen to be Christian. I also have various friends who are not Christian, and I am not an oaf. I like my friends. I value that they may believe differently. Yes, I had to struggle to reconcile my religious beliefs with being a gay guy, but there is food for thought out there about that. The folks trying to save/convert people because they think it's wrong to be gay? Well, they may be obnoxious at times (often) and wrong, in my opinion, but so far, God Himself has not spoken to me directly in divine revelation, to say what he thinks *exactly* on the matter. However, I'd like to think that finding the translations and discussions I did, and that he hasn't ever bothered to wipe every gay person on the planet off the face of the Earth, might perhaps give some clue as to what the Big Guy really thinks. I choose to go with the "Morgan Freeman as the Arab Moor in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" argument there. God *likes* variety, he painted us, everybody.

In fact, I know Des happens to believe differently in matters of religion, and it's one of the things I like about him. He makes me think, he challenges me. And oddly enough, we have a good bit in common. I think he's a cool dude. I actually find some things about Buddhism and various other religions to be useful and true, even similar. :shrug: And yes, having struggled with my own beliefs, I certainly have some questions I'd like answered, so I can even understand those doubts or deciding someone doesn't believe, thanks very much. That's up to that person.

Yeah, I see all too often, the opinionated commenters or the jerks or the cyber-bully types, saying negative and usually uninformed and illiterate and expletive-laced things about gay people. I think most of those are from schoolboys or overgrown men who can't type beyond four-letter words, and who are woefully insecure about their manhoods and sexual feelings, and so think they have to prove it to total strangers. You want to go bash some nice kid because he's gay, or because you *think* he's gay for daring to post himself singing or dancing or goofing around acting like a spaz, a dork, a doofus? Well, what on Earth is wrong with him doing any of that? And if he's gay, what on Earth is wrong with that either? And if you're that upset, why exactly is it you're watching a boy you think is gay, and then you feel compelled to tell everybody just how straight you are, or how big a man you are? (How big was that? Hmm, I kinda doubt it, but thanks for telling the planet, big boy!)

I think that's merely a matter of, consider the source. Those are the same kinds of boys and men who like to pound guys in real life, the bullies gone cyber-bullies. (Wait, they like to pound guys? Really! Wow!) -- Ahem, yes, I'm being ridiculous and a bit rude, but it *does* make you wonder, sometimes, just why those guys feel such a need to prove they are not gay and don't like gays. -- They need to grow up and get a life, instead of cyber-bullying. Their comments are hurtful, mean, ugly, stupid, and beneath contempt. I usually don't bother to reply to them. The cyber-bully type, or the forum troll / flame-war types, only want to stir up trouble and seek attention. Bleh.

Kids like Jonah deserve positive comments. That's worth a lot.

And hey, I like Rachmaninoff. I like classical, but don't listen to it as much as other things. Uh, I also think the piano player in that video is kinda cute. I'm glad he was enjoying playing the music so much. Good for him.

I haven't run across Desdownunda on YouTube before, but hey, I do check out YouTube every so often. (And a lot, the past couple of weeks.) See BlueCatShip. -- No videos posted, but I might at some point get brave and try taking a video, if I can figure out how. LOL.

I guess I had more to say than I thought. Uh, gee.

[Rewards of Despair]

Thank you, Des, very much, for a moving and encouraging essay.

I'd very much like to see you submit that for publication at AD and CW, if you would please.

Despite, or maybe because of, all the crud going on in my life right now, I have story ideas floating around, percolating (or fermenting) in my head, for the first time in quite a long time in any seriously productive way. That feels good. So far, some has found its way onto pages on disc, but it's still slow going.

I had noticed, back when I was writing a lot of poems, that I would write when I was strongly moved by something, and had a deep emotional response, a need to get it down into words. My story ideas tend to be a scene or a few chapters, likewise from a strong reaction or inspiration. I had also noticed that for the poems, having (or believing I had) an audience or an individual to write for, also helped get the poem or story out.

Lately, when I had said I didn't know how I was doing, wasn't sure of myself, and was feeling weighed down, and wondering if the depressive feelings would be a bummer or turn off for readers, or were squelching (limiting) my output, a friend wrote back on a forum that I should just write anyway, that what I had to say was worth reading and sharing my experiences through writing was helpful to others. Well, it felt very good to hear that.

Many of us have to put up with bad circumstances in life. Low pay or crappy jobs, not enough savings, relationship troubles of one kind or another, moving due to whatever reason, health problems, so many things can happen, and some are just completely out of nowhere, then bang, there you are, faced with it.

Yes, not only do we have to get desperate and mad enough to say, "I can't take it anymore!" but further, "I'm not going to put up with it anymore!" and then onto, "I want to live!" and even perhaps, "I have to make people understand this, it has to change!"

I get, all too well, that sometimes, people reach the first two of those and do feel, entirely, like stepping away, leaving. Sometimes in fact, that's very healthy, to say, I don't need this crud anymore, I'm not going to put up with it, I'm going. There are times we have to tough things out, though, for whatever reasons. That's hard. (Been through that.) There are also times when at least some of us feel it's so final, we want to give up and take a very final, irreversible step. Well, but that deprives the world of a beautiful, needed person, a voice for the very thing troubling that person. (And yes, I've felt that way too, before. And yes, I deeply miss more than one person who took that step and died.) They are liked and loved, whether they know it or not.

So how do we respond to all the crap out there in the real world, all the tragedy and horror? We are forced to adapt, to change. We are forced to say, I must somehow change. This must change. People must learn and they must change. A roar of defiance at the monster or the desolation, and a stubborn insistence that "I want to live!" and "I will fight this thing!" are the answers. Even a mild-mannered person who means no harm can be a brave hero who defies the chaos and despair and horror, simply by being himself or herself. And that is urgently needed these days.

Art and beauty are needed too. Entertainment is needed, a chance to set aside the things troubling us and have a good laugh or a good cry, to pick ourselves up and go on. We need that chance to look outside ourselves and see in a way that someone else sees for a bit. Just maybe, then we discover someone in common, a kindred spirit, or the band of friends to carry us through and fight the horrors away, or wade through the mire to the cleaner shores ahead.

Bravo, Des, and thanks again.

[hello, world]

G'night, you emu, you!

Horses? Give a man a horse, and he has a handsome critter. Teach a man to ride a horse, and he's got green transportation. (Strange, I don't recall seeing green horses, but possibly I've got issues there.) I'm Texan, but I don't know how to ride, and I've only ridden once, very briefly. I'd love to learn.

Ben Hur? Cool movie. While I'd love to say I'd look all buff and hunky in that skimpy loincloth, well, I really would need to work out. Er.... Though seeing some handsome guy in a... yeah, sharing too much, aren't we? :)

LOL, thanks for the stream of one thought to the other stuff. Reminds me of someone.

:waves: to Dude. Hey, Dude!

[Ho hum.]

I remember reading a few of the first chapters of Carrots and Celery, but somehow lost track of it. What I remember of it was a good story, sweet too.

I'm sorry, though, to hear it and its author are offline.

There are occasionally ah, unpleasant people who make being an online author (gay fiction or otherwise) less than enjoyable, or at times, downright obnoxious or creepy. She might have run afoul of such and had her fill of that. Or personal circumstances might have changed. Or she might have had a falling out with a web host.

Best Wishes, then. -- Good writers tend to, er, write. So perhaps she'll turn up again. -- Carrots and Celery and Turnips? Wait, no, that would be...hmm, could have possibilities. ;) (What? I like turnips now and then.)

[Rivalry]

I dunno, I liked Santa, but I liked Rudolph and the elves a lot. I think I liked the under-reindeer. (What? Stop snickering, over there....)

It'd probably never work out with an elf though. Aren't they like, hundreds of years old? Well, I dunno, maybe it could.... The whole midget/dwarf/elf/little-person thing, not a problem.

EleCivil, see, the problem is, you're up there where it gets freezing cold. It hardly ever gets below freezing for too long around here. I think 14 or 19 is the lowest I've ever seen the Fahrenheit around here, and that was unheard of and only for a day or two before getting back into the 20's and 30's. Heck, the 70's and 80's daytime aren't too rare in winter here, but yeah, it's usually 30's-40's-50's-60's-70's. So far this season, *very* few cold days. (Aw, nuts, just look up Houston and Gulf Coast temps over the course of the year.) -- Of course, we had the worst drought and most days over 100*F anyone's *ever* seen this summer just past, but personally, I'd rather be too hot than too cold and worrying about freezing certain parts of my anatomy off. You know, fingers, nose, reproductive organs, all of it's an important part of the anatomy below freezing, if you ask me.

Not that you're likely to move to Texas, Florida, California, or wherever, but hey, it beats shivering, and maybe it'd throw that guy in the red furry suit off your trail....

I thought he hung out at that one uni and rode a trike, though? Huh.

Oh yeah, and good for caring about the kids. Somebody's gotta, or they start gnawing on ankles, and that's never pretty....

[Halloween Costume Rorschach Test]

Wait, you left out Kwai Chang Caine with a goatee. What? Did he ever have a goatee? Heck if I know, man. But if it's "cool bald guys," he qualifies.

Out of touch with popular culture? Whatever gave you that idea?

Uh, what about bald girls? No, without the goatee. A bald girl with a goatee would be a little hard to wrap my brain around. But apparently, I have a thing for bald girls. :shrugs: I'd just, uh, rather it was a guy.

Psst, Ben? The existential crisis thing, really, deal, wouldja?

This summer, I actually considered shaving my head. Saves money and it's cooler in summer. Downside: colder in winter too, sunburn my paleface bald head in summer. Bigger downside: I'd probably look like a cue ball with Really Big Ears, you know, Alfred E. Newman, but bald and without the freckles. So maybe shaved head isn't the best look for me. But who knows, I might try it, if next summer is as freakin' unbelievably freakin' hot as this one was, or if my budget continues to suck rocks.

[Albums]

I admire Susan Boyle for her tenacity. I got tired of her singing, though. Sorry, Susan. But keep at it.

I feel sure Des' recording would be more entertaining.

I haven't gotten Mylo Xyloto yet, but I will. I like all their other stuff, among my favorites.

Why can't we hear more of Camy singing and playing, though?

Two thumbs up.

[The "H" Word]

EC, if your stories for those kids are half as good as what you have at AD and CW, those kids will love reading them. Why not see if there's some way to pool your stories and other teachers' stories and materials into a teaching resource, not just a textbook, but a curriculum? Surely there are plenty of teachers out there who are coming up with indie study materials and indie publishing. How about SmashWords or Amazon's Kindle stores?

[Turnabout - or - Standardize This!]

I'd like to buck the trend for a sec. EleCivil's cranium is starting to get all bloated. (Actually, I think he deserves the praise.)

For the past few years, the best caregiver my grandmother has had has been a lady now over 70, closer to 75. She has common sense, a big heart, and she's honest. Of course, she can work it too, and she's a character. But I kinda like that. Also, she can cuss like a sailor, but you always know where you stand with her. Why mention her, aside from general praise?

This lady grew up a poor country farmer, a lot like my grandmother. Also like my grandmother, she's naturally intelligent, observant, sharp. But because she's of a rather darker skin color than ultra-pale me, she did not get a decent education. Her literacy skills are not very good. She masks it like a master sleight of hand artist. She can read. She can write. But her spelling is...even more original than my dad's. (He grew up a poor farmer too, but was taught the three R's before he ever got to school. He never could spell, though. He was an engineer. 'Nuff said.)

She is a proud woman. She was around, an adult, during the Civil Rights Movement. Every single one of her kids graduated high school, some went to college, all are solid people. -- But I have known trying to work on literacy with her was probably not going to fly. More than one of her kids (most my age or older) are skilled enough they could teach her.

She's what's called an "unskilled" caregiver, meaning she doesn't have a formal degree and training certifications. But I'd put her up against a lot of others.

I often have wondered just what she would have been, if she'd been given a fair chance and the special time needed to teach literacy, to gain a truly complete high school education or college education.

My grandmother, likewise, never went to college. She was good at spelling, reading, writing, basic math, bookkeeping. She always tried to educate and better herself. You never would've guessed she didn't go to college, unless she said so.

The difference between them? About 25 to 30 years and one has more melanin in her skin. Upbringing somewhat, but not as much as the crucial difference of being poor, rural, female, and black at a time when being any of those things, especially being black, meant disadvantages in education in every way possible.

One of her daughters has only a high school degree and maybe some college. But if you didn't know it, you'd never guess she isn't a college graduate. She's got class. -- And if she were single and I was straight, I might even be interested, but she's happily married and I'm a gay white boy. :)

So....It just annoys the crap out of me that Mrs. T. has had to go through life with limited literacy, when she is plainly college material, all because she wasn't lily-white enough or well off enough or a million other things, to get at least the same quality of education my grandmother got a generation prior.

So EleCivil, keep it up. Keep showing those kids, black and Latino and white and Asian and whatever, that they have a ticket out of the hood by getting a decent education.

My neighborhood is an aging subdivision inside the loop, midway between one of the richest parts of town on one side and one of the poorest parts of town on the other, very ghetto. My neighborhood is middle class...but of course, that's shrinking. In other words, I know the hood isn't far away. I'm in the middle of the city. Not too far away from me, if I were out at night much, I'd see bums and hookers and all. Not quite right here, but not so far away as to be outside notice. Oh yeah, and I'm somewhat near one of the gay/arts parts of town. You'll find just about any demographic marker you could think of in the five zip codes surrounding me.

A friend who's a special needs teacher near here once told me about her school day, getting one kid out from under his desk. (Special needs, in her case, means any kid from handicapped to profoundly at risk; emotional, mental, and physical issues; or living in the projects with something that loosely approximates a family unit...if they're lucky.)

In other words, yeah, I get it, somewhat.

Me? I grew up on the edge of the city limits. My high school was in the suburbs, above average to very good school district at the time.

A few years ago, they started a GSA. Amazing to me, since "homosexual" didn't appear anywhere in the student handbook back when I went.

But also in the last few years, I know at least twice, kids have brought guns to school. -- But then, one girl when I went got high and tried to fly, I mean, jump out the window. (Unfortunately, she did jump.) So in other words, it wasn't perfect back then either. -- And kids in my school district wear school uniforms now. We didn't.

The times, they are a-changin'. But not fast enough, and not always in the right direction. Weird, the 60's and 70's music I grew up with, along with the 80's and 90's stuff, still applies just as much.

Keep on rockin' the ed, EC.

[Halloween Costume Rorschach Test]

Spock's Beard! Gotta watch those mirror universe Vulcans! One of my favorite episodes.

OK, what about mirror-Cartman with the goatee? (Naturally, he killed Kenny.) Can't remember if it was the Planet'Arium episode. I don't really watch South Park regularly.

But I'll second the vote. I did have a few cool teachers, including a few cool guy teachers. OK, I thought so anyway. But I didn't have a teacher quite as cool as EleCivil.