blue

I've been up writing, and finally got enough down to stop. I write bits here and there, in bursts. I'm about to go to bed and try to sleep. That may or may not work, it's always a toss-up. Many, many moons ago, both before I was born and when I was a little Blue, my grandmother worked in a grocery store courtesy booth. In all, I think she was robbed three or four times. She was tougher than she looked. It was not her favorite thing ever. I would not expect anyone from management or corporate would be awake or answer their phone at night, despite that there should be several who would, in case of emergency. Possibly around 9 or 10 am their time, they will deign to be available. Or rather, their overworked, underpaid, harried secretaries will be available to fend off calls. Now, I would like to believe that someone or other in a responsible position is sane and sensible (and not busy chasing the harried secretary) but you can probably detect the rather large and possibly quite erroneous assumption in that logic. Therefore, if reasonable pursuit of satisfaction through normal channels does not result in the desired results, i.e., the provision of the security tapes to the police, then I would suggest pursuing less sane and reasonable approaches. One effective method I can think of is to point out that perhaps the robbers stole a large amount of money. Or perhaps they stole a few of the more attractive female staff? Bellboys? (Does anyone actually hire bellboys anymore?) Or get really creative. Claim the hotel restaurant's freezer went bad and there are now several hundred pounds of food floating in the hotel pool, which is making it very hard for the tourists to paddle around in bathing suits that are at least two sizes too small. (And don't mention I stole that one from Dr. Seuss' the Grinch.) Or if you feel like being really wild, claim a giant spaceship has landed and the aliens have demanded to see your fearless leaders for, ah, the standard greeting ceremonies, involving the probing of various orifices. Exactly why advanced intergalactic aliens would be so keen on probing orifices, I never have quite understood. My impression has been it's probably really a bunch of very randy alien teenagers who've stolen the family hovermobile for a joy ride, and they're looking for cheap dates. Right, not helping, but maybe it'll give you a good laugh while you're making sure their voicemail is filled with ever more urgent messages every hour or two. Escalate from mildly dire to impending global doom. Points for style!

I just now saw this, I'm sorry. What would I really know about a young guy like him? I had a very loving family, in nearly every way. The only big issues, I've come to realize, had to do with over-protection and the lack of almost anything regarding sex and nudity, homosexuality even more so. But in nearly every other way, I had good parents and grandparents, a good "church family," and so on. (But that over-protectiveness combined with my handicap meant I grew up with very few friends outside of classes at school.) So I can't claim to really quite understand where a boy like him is coming from, without any grounding in what it means to have family or friends, a stable home life, people to rely on, emotional support, normal friendly/family physical affection, the guidelines and boundaries and the freedoms too that go with those. OK, except that the things I did go through growing up, teasing and bullying and exclusion and over-protection, and a natural loner tendency, all added up to two opposing things: I have a tendency to be careful and cynical about people, even friends, and to keep some things inside my shell. It may seem like I'll say anything and everything private, from my forum posts, emails, or messaging. But that is something I have had to learn to do. Also, it's connected to the other point, the polar opposite: I also have a big need for belonging, companionship, friendship, love, the whole thing, because I always felt like an outsider. I tend to only show the real me, or all of me, to my closest friends only. (I am not sure why I show as much as I do online.) I feel like everything good, with other people, relationships, life generally, comes from being willing to love, to open up. Fear and consequences may get obedience, but they do not get willingness, the desire to follow, faith, loyalty, compassion, friendship, or love. Only being loving does that. It is fine to have requirements, guidelines, even rules to follow, if those are reasonable and fair. But those must also include love, friendliness, lovingkindness (an old-fashioned word), and another old-fashioned word, fellowship, and companionability. If no one wants to listen, just be there for you, how on earth are you ever going to want to open up, to stretch out, and try to be more? I know the system works to that expectation of rules and consequences. I know why it does. But it just isn't enough. The whole idea behind family and child and senior welfare ought to be love and stability and restoring wholeness, or I think it's missing the whole point. The justice system, certainly for youth and families, has to be there to restore that wholeness too, to make what went wrong into what can go right again. Or again, it misses the point. (That was my objection to the recent flap over a judge's decision regarding a high school honors student who was deemed truant, because she was working to support her brothers and sisters. The judge followed the letter of the law, but his decision did nothing to consider or to restore what was broken in the girl's and family's case, and yet the court was empowered (and expected) to do so, in justice.) I hope Julian can be with people who will heal what's happened in his life, so he can learn to find the love and trust and relationships that will heal what needs healing in his life. If not with you and David, then maybe with another family. I'd hope he'd get the chance to keep in contact with you if he wants to, now or later. Being 15 (or 18 or 21) is not too late to change in life. It's for dang sure change happens when we don't want it. But it can also happen when we want to change, when we choose to change and stick with it. At least, I want that to be true too. Best wishes for him and for you both and other foster youth with you guys.

Blue actually read this and is actually going to post a reply. Actually! Long, ambling posts? I can't object, ppl would throw too much popcorn. The internet didn't exist in my teens, including college age. I was too embarrassed and timid (and feeling too guilty) (or not desperate enough) to check some of the more directly informative areas or publications, shall we say. What I knew, I got from hearing guys and girls talk, TV, the library, and the bookstore. Oh yeah, and what little actual experience I had, which mostly included not getting as experienced as I would've liked. This, despite being a very "confused and questioning" teen. Lotta questions, lotta curiosity, not enough answers, and I guess I was looking for answers from the wrong people/places. (Not bad people/places, mostly, just not, um, gay or bi enough, I guess. But then, I was really uptight.) Also, I was just as often convinced (and probably right) to feel like I was being baited a few times. (Such as the boy who, sitting out in P.E., thought he'd say he bet I plucked my eyebrows, didn't I? Um, do what? You gotta be kidding me.) Anyway, so in my vast not-much-experience but much interest in the subject, when I wasn't feeling conflicted about it, I can say a few things. In my teens and twenties, if some friend had actually been nice enough to ask me if I wanted to do anything, and if I had had the cajones to say yes, what would my preferences have been? Easy: I couldn't have imagined anal would be good. My answer would likely have been a very articulate, "Ugh!" or maybe as much as, "Gross!" I would not have known "top" or "bottom", but I would've figured it out from the words. Heh. (Though I might've had a little confusion on whether that had to do with what went where, versus who was where, altitudinally.) However, I would've figured it out, I'm sure. LOL. That was then. That was also before the internet, and the chance to read things or see things. Um, and some of those sounded good, or at least OK, maybe worth a try, maybe, once I had time to get used to the idea. (Or get more desperate, possibly.) However, back to the teens, I would've been very glad for the other options. By myself was fun, I have a good imagination. But of course, I wanted more of the few times with someone else. I just had very little idea how to ask or be asked. ... But except for one (possibly two) guys, it was pretty much me, shy about it as I was, trying to discover if a friend might be open to the idea of a guy doing anything with another guy, or in particular, him and me. I am very sure I fumbled this one in spectacular fashion, more than once. I must not have been around the right guys, I guess. (I hear about other guys' multiple explorations and I'm awed, dudes.) My own opinion on anything in this department is, I'd want both partners to be just as willing (eager) to give as well as receive. Sharing. Equals. To me, that sounds much better, much less like somebody's missing out in the relationship. But then, I have had it pointed out to me that some people might really enjoy giving or receiving any of the various menu choices, even if they or their partner isn't especially keen on doing the same. Some people don't like it too spicy. Others don't like chocolate. (I mean chocolate, not a euphemism. I thought everybody liked chocolate. Oh well.) Or a more basic question, how are you going to know if you are a top or a bottom if you haven't tried both? In that, I mean any of those menu choices. Because of my own preferences earlier on, I can certainly understand it if someone doesn't want or like, say, oral or anal. If they don't like it, they shouldn't have to do it. Um, OK, I do understand the idea of the Kinsey scale, some are straight, some are mostly straight, some are bi, some are mostly gay, some are gay. But I'd also say I have to wonder about the idea of a "straight top" or a "straight bottom." If he's primarily straight, OK. But if he's sought out and actively (or heck, passively) participating, top, bottom, or (heheh) sideways, uh, I'm not so sure he's exclusively straight, you know? ;) I'd say he's a little bi, at least. Having said that -- Yes, it is also quite possible for a guy to be acting out from past experiences, bad or good. It's also possible a guy may feel tremendous guilt or at least tremendous confusion and questions about any kind of same-sex activity. I grew up with the idea everywhere that boys weren't supposed to do things like that with other boys. So imagine my surprise when my body, mind, and heart wanted to do things like that with other boys. Heh. It's notable how good and right it feels during, yet you have questions or guilt after. It's also notable how, when there's someone you really like, it feels so good and right to find out or be found, heh. ... But eventually, you have to discover it really is OK to like the same sex for whatever you and he (or she) might want to do. My opinion, including in one area where I don't have actual experience. So there. I've just made one of my most revealing and controversial posts ever. Hoo boy.

Dang, I hadn't made the connection with the poster. I'd wondered about your avatar, since it looked like a photo manipulation or other graphic arts work. The full poster -- that's good stuff. Personally, I don't think everything has to be perfect technique, even if yes, I'm a perfectionist too. It gets a message across in a striking way, and that is the whole idea behind propaganda and ad/mktg, you want them to remember what you were saying and what the product, service, idea, or person is. IMHO, the upturned face does that to a T. (Heh, transgendered T? Wasn't trying for a pun, honest.) I've known one person online who is trans, before, during, and after. But other than that, I don't know much about trans folks. Myself, uh, evidently I like male parts so much that that's what I want in a partner, heheh, as well as myself. :) But perhaps because being gay means I had to figure out my feelings, the confusion of, is this OK, and why do I have these other feelings for some guys but not really for girls, or where some friendship-feelings blended into sexual attraction and feelings, well, to me, all of that has to have some similarities to how someone's gender identity feelings, transgender, must be. I agree with Camy, that could be a really fine album cover, close cropped. Or you might want to do a similar pose with new photos and work from there. Geez, I would think a poster about transgender would have the fur flying in a class critique, if they didn't stay on the topic of the art, style, technique, and presentation. Thanks for the post about the artwork, that's great. Art's always welcome.

Dang it, my link to AwesomeDude Radio seems to have disappeared or isn't working. I'm looking where I'd saved the URL for the web radio stream. -- I miss it, even if I don't check in often enough. Drat, the link I had saved appears to be the same. No such luck. UPDATE: The link I had was outdated. Dude got me rockin' again.

I haven't read past Ch. 8 yet. I almost forgot I had wanted to comment on the story thus far. Stay tuned.

Oh boy. I remember hearing "Sugar, Sugar" growing up. (I was 3 in 1969, but I'd remember it from the 70's.) Yes, I know that version of "Dancing in the Street," but my generation probably mostly remembers the cover of it by Mick Jagger and David Bowie. I'm all in favor of dancing and playing air guitar, and I don't care if anybody sees. Well, not that, anyway. ;)

Guys, sniffing (huffing) glue and inhalants like spray cans still happens. It's cheap and available, so poorer kids can get it. This happens in the US, in Mexico and other Latin American countries, Europe, Asia, anywhere. Even somebody as straight-laced as I am is aware of things like that. I grew up in a major city. Travel outside my home within the nearest five zip codes (yes, multiple zip codes and school districts in my city) and, day or night, I am sure if you look, you'd find street kids and adults doing all the things they do to survive. Where I live is about halfway between one of the wealthiest and one of the poorest parts of town. Mostly, I don't see it directly, but it's there. -- I'm more aware of it because of friends who've been through things, or from a couple of times volunteering for a local food pantry, or because I go by cab most of the time, and cabbies always have stories. -- Also because of this, I care. I've known more than one friend recovering from drug or alcohol use, and like most people in the city, I've seen friends and known they were high, drunk, or using something. I'm probably not qualified to really talk about it. But my two points would be, it does happen, right now, somewhere around any of us; and yes, we need to care a lot. I'd also, gently, point out that some of our forum members and visitors may have been through things like that or may deal with that in some way now. These are also our community and friends, brothers and sisters too.

EleCivil's points were all great, but the ones I quoted, especially. I went to an ordinary public school (not a private or parochial school) with all the other regular kids, like most American kids do. Co-ed, of course. I was that kid who carried around extra pens and pencils and paper to draw or write with. Like I said above, I was the kind of boy who didn't much see the point in beating the snot out of your classmates in P.E. because it was "fun." It didn't mean I couldn't be boisterous too or get dirty and muddy if I wanted. It did mean I just didn't prefer going too far with it. I'm mostly joking about the wrestling joke, but there's some reality there too. Some tutoring for martial arts might've helped. The idea of lots of physical contact or less clothing with other boys? Once I was old enough to be aware of some of those feelings and the reasons for them, at least the beginnings of that awareness, I was anything from nervous to afraid of anyone else finding out about that. It did not at all occur to me that a few other boys might not mind one way or the other about it, or that a few might be like me, and like the idea. (I would guess that most gay boys who've had to deal with P.E. and locker rooms know exactly how that feels. But probably others handled it differently.) For instance, I loved swimming, but dressing out, before and especially after, when puberty's starting up? Very embarrassing when your anatomy won't listen to your brain, isn't it? -- If you're getting the idea that nudity and sex were pretty much taboo at home, yes, absolutely. No siblings, either; city boy, and handicapped; religious family. School uniforms came into my school district way after I'd graduated. I've heard the pros and cons. It still seems like training the kids to be boringly homogenized sameness, training out all their individuality and expression as free citizens, or getting them ready for that business suit or military uniform, like good little drones. -- My default way to dress falls into business casual and yuppie/preppie territory, like most computer or academic geeks. (Hey, that's mostly what I am.) -- But at least with that, there's a little freedom of expression. -- Isn't a little contradictory to use school uniforms to avoid gang colors or rock band shirts, if you're then going to wear the school or house colors on your uniform? Heheh. I may look like a preppie yuppie guy most of the time, your classic geek, but yes, I have that hidden counter-culture streak. What can I say? My mom was an artist and I grew up in the 70's and 80's. ;) If my parents hadn't been so conservative, I might've been a hippie flower child who grew into a punk / new wave boy. My old high school now has metal detectors and school uniforms, and has been in the news twice because some kid or other brought a gun to school in his backpack. My old high school does have a GSA thes days, and no longer sends boys or girls home for as many things about clothes or hair or makeup or jewelry or, I guess, piercings. Take the good with the bad, try for better. :)

I was pretty much nodding right along with everybody else on this topic, until I thought of something. Before I get to that, though, I'd say one of the first big clues that perhaps young Blue was not as straight as other boys was my reaction when a (male) friend did a dance recital for our grade at school. For some reason, young Blue was mightily enthusiastic, cheering for his friend doing a modern dance routine in a bright leotard for a few minutes. Exactly why this got young Blue's full attention and heart rate going wasn't quite clear, besides that the boy was my best friend then. At the time (elementary school) it wasn't clear to young Blue that there was any other kind of feelings going on, but that sure must have helped things along. ... Hurray for dance lessons! -- My friend took a lot of flak from other boys, because (of course) any boy who'd prance around in a skin-tight suit like that must be queer, and apparently, it was more his mom's idea to do the recital at school. Never mind that those same boys making fun of him also read comic books with superheroes in skin-tight costumes, or watched pro sports with skin-tight costumes. Young Blue was (of course) scandalized that anyone would make fun of his friend, and thought the dance thing was terrific. OK, on to the thought that was different from nodding along. Oh, I fully agree, boys and girls have plenty of differences in how they think and act, even when they're really little, and probably even before social conditioning of behavior teaches them what is "boyish and manly" and what is "girly and womanly." It's also really interesting that straight or gay or in between, we all want time with "just the boys" or "just the girls," and we all have same-sex close friends, and we'll all complain how the opposite sex just doesn't understand sometimes. -- "Women!" -- "Men!" Nothing wrong with those differences, either, even if they're frustrating as all get out sometimes. Boys generally are more rough and tumble, take more risks, more aggressive or assertive, and tend to muffle certain emotions and displays of affection. But perhaps by then, a lot of that is conditioning. (Don't be a sissy, a cry-baby. Be a man.) However much of that is learned and how much is innate because they are boys, there are real differences, deep down, in how boys and girls think and act. A man and a woman may arrive at essentially the same conclusions, but by very different paths. -- And I can tell you that women can be very good scientists and engineers and computer techs and programmers, for instance. I'm not going to claim women and girls aren't suited to things, any more than men and boys are not. So what was the point where I stopped nodding? Aha! What about the boys who don't especially like or see the point of all that rough play, the hitting or wrestling or whatever? What about the boys who'd rather do other things? That doesn't make them effeminate, either. It just means they have a different take on things. Some boys would really rather read or learn to play music or take dance or cook, instead of football and wrestling. Hey, some boys even write. Poetry even. ;) Does any of that mean they are not manly, does it make them girly boys? Well, no, not really. Uh, I was one of those boys. I sucked at sports. I sucked at mechanical aptitude, mostly, either home repair or car repair or shop class type things. Getting roughed up in team sports or one on one? I mostly thought that wasn't much fun, getting hit or getting all dirty. (OK, not entirely. I'm a guy, of course some of it appeals to me too, just not always in obvious ways.) (Someone really should've pointed out why it might be fun to wrestle, for instance. Not entirely joking, there. But as a kid, I didn't get it yet. We want to beat the stuffing out of each other, why? Are you serious? LOL.) ... It wasn't until my pre-teens that it began to dawn on me that I liked boys. Uh, swimming class, for instance. Heheh. (Picture one very self-conscious youngster getting out of the pool, because all that activity got the hormones working and certain bodily reactions...well, you get the idea.) OK, then there are the boys who *do* like some more typically girly things. You know what? I'm not entirely prepared to say those boys are girly or effeminate either. Boys tend to do those things in ways that are still all boy. Boys might experiment with putting on makeup. In some cultures, makeup or paint or dye, tattoos and other things, are perfectly manly. Come on, you've seen how guys dressed in the 1700's. But there are other things that may blur the lines of what's typically "boy behavior" and "girl behavior," and some boys try some of those "girly" things. ... And again, there are cultures where that's quite manly too. How many boys and men have sat for high tea, or demi-tasse, and so on? Color and pattern in clothing, too. All sorts of stuff. But then, there are boys like at least one of my classmates, higher voice, swished when he walked, and it was not an act. It was how he was. Uh, I'm not necessarily the most straight-acting guy on the planet either. (My speaking voice is higher and has more inflection than some. I occasionally still get that over the phone.) (You can hear me on some recordings on my site and on Codey's World, and past recordings on AwesomeDude Radio spots. I've also been in a few fan audio recordings and will be again soon.) That all boils down to saying, it's a range. There are some very macho boys and some more moderate boys and then there are boys who fit a little more toward less overtly macho things and then there are some who fit in what many people think is somehow effeminate, whether it really is or not. For the girls, all you need is the word tomboy, and you get that side of the argument. A girl who can take care of herself and be a little tomboyish, or a lot tomboyish, great. We generally don't see that as a problem. Yet for some reason, people tend to act like it is a problem if a boy is somehow supposedly a "sissy." (Sissy is, of course, originally a child's form for "sister" that acquired other meanings. Bummer, huh?) What I'm saying, then, is that there's a whole range of what it is to behave like a boy. Or a girl. But yes, there are things about being a boy or a girl that are just as built-in as what's in your shorts. Also, yes, there are folks who are intersex and folks who are transgender. Intersex is quite definitely physical. Transgender is probably a mix of physical, emotional, environment, and upbringing, but I'd say it's real too. All that said, I think there are times when separate classes for boys and girls are a good idea. Certain teaching techniques also. -- I think it's a great idea for boys taking dance classes, whether ballet or other dance forms, to be encouraged in what is masculine and attractive to boys, things like being a good athlete, ordinary boy's clothes, any of that. (Hey, just because I wasn't a natural athlete doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. I kinda envy it. Swimming's awesome, for instance.) And hey, I would like to learn to dance. (I may not have been the most macho boy, but I would've been just as ticked off as any boy, if you'd tried to make me wear ballet tights and a tutu, no matter how de rigueur et en bonne forme it might be.) If more boys could see dance as masculine and athletic, skilled and desirable, instead of supposedly girly/effeminate, then maybe more boys would be eager to sign up and keep dancing. For some, once they get old enough to realize a pretty girl might like them more if they dance well, that's a motivator. (More power to ya, boys.) Um, and yes, for some of us, the idea of seeing our best friend in leotards, dancing his butt off, also a highly inspirational factor. Heh.

Looks like I need to do more in-store research! Blue Oreos? Sold! (See, I knew about the double stuff, the chocolate filling, and I'd recently seen the mint green. But nope, I had no idea about the others. Clearly, I need to see if these meet the high quality standards for which Oreo is known. Got Milk?)

Publishers and television/movie people tend to get nervous, because of how they perceive (misperceptions) gay people, gay stories, gay adults, and gay youth. The publishers and TV/movie people are often worried they'll get lots of complaints from "concerned citizens" or parents, about how that book/show is promoting the gay agenda, recruiting those kids, and so on and so on. I'll bet you've all heard those before, huh? Even if it's a story about two male penguins, for instance. Goodness gracious, if it's about two boys kissing or falling in love. Never mind if the same story about a boy and a girl would not raise one single eyebrow during prime time TV or on the school reading list. I've recently seen comments where some writer or other had written a story involving a gay teen couple. The agent and publisher thought it would be just fine -- If the author would change one of the characters' gender so it would be a straight couple. Or if the author could just edit those parts out. The author's objection was those were a key part of the story, even if the couple was one part of a larger story and cast of characters. The author was understandably upset. -- I thought, on reading it, the author should've shopped it around to another publisher before fussing so publicly. But saying so, publicly, does draw attention to the problem. Teens aren't stupid, especially teens who like to read. They can choose not to read something. But they might want to read about something that is important to them or their friends. Or maybe they are open-minded enough to be curious, ask questions, and look for answers. (How amazing it would've been, even if I hadn't known quite what to make of it, if I could've read about a boy loving a boy, when I was a questioning teen wondering about himself. If a friend or two had been interested, that would've cleared up a whole lot right then.) I think publishers and TV/movie people in the "establishment" (wow, how 70's) would be really surprised if they paid any real attention to what's on the internet, amateur fiction, fanfic, YouTube and web films, all of it. There is plenty of writing, audio, and video out there involving gay themes that yes, would be publishable and televisable. There is clearly a lot of interest in it, and that is not just among gay folks. It wouldn't be out there and wouldn't be read or listened to or looked at, if people weren't interested and wanting to have that. There is real quality out there, even if the presentation or editing are not always ideal. -- That's true of anything, not just gay-themed stories, but stories generally, online. Things like online fiction, ebooks, web audio and web video, podcasts of audio and video, all are doing things the "big boys" are too reluctant to do. The nice thing is, that may propel some of those indie productions into production teams with more oomph. That's happening as the indie folks get more experience and try more new things. Ultimately, that's good for all of us. One of the troublesome things I see out there is what you might call "brand identity confusion" or "genre confusion." A look through the e-commerce sites out there for ebooks and video will show you that a lot of what's in the "gay and lesbian" category is, plain and simple, pulp romance or erotica (or porn). What about the non-fiction that LGBT people might want to read? Health? Relationships? Family? Law relating to LGBT folks? What about quality fiction involving gay characters? What about quality fiction with gay characters for youth? It IS out there, but you may have to squint and dig to find it. Best suggestions: For published stories or films or TV shows, look at recommendations here and at other gay-friendly sites. For quality online fiction, well hey, you're already here, plus, look at recommended stories elsewhere and look at allied/friendly sites, such as the links available from the AwesomeDude home page. I know that might sound like a commercial, but it's meant as a, "please support our authors, allies, community" response.

Knowing when to say something and when not to is not easy. I have been known to open my big mouth when I shouldn't. I have sometimes not opened my big mouth when I really should have. I suppose my best, most enignmatic advice would be, there are times when even if you slipped and said something, it still *needed* to be said. Or, to put it another way, sometimes a-holes need to learn that someone does have balls enough not to put up with bullcrap. O' course, the fine arts of being able to run like hell, duck, or throw a punch when needed, also come in handy. (Martial arts training: good idea, wish I had some.) A friend who will tell it like it is, is a wonderful friend to have. Try to make sure you and your friends are around later to enjoy the friendship, though. :) ----- I liked Walt's Barber Shop and Sanitaria Springs a lot. Seeing a friend stand up for a friend, even knowing he wasn't going to be wildly popular and just might get the snot kicked out of him, well, I think that's quite a friend.

I've really been enjoying this story. It has also answered a couple of questions for me, without trying to. The story is covering some really good points for anyone figuring out where they are on that scale from gay to straight, and what happens along that scale. It's also covering, or about to cover, a lot about what it means to be a friend, or a boyfriend or girlfriend. (No, I wasn't an editor or beta reader, I don't know any more than anyone else reading it.) I had started an email draft to Cole, but when I can get the rest of my thoughts together, and maybe in something less than a major thesis paper, I'll post it. :)

After finishing this post, I saw the headline in the forum: "Sex! by blue" Golly! Yes, I found this inordinately funny on many levels. Possibly, so would anyone I've had any of those "experiences" with. :rotfl:

I saw this thread while I was away from the forum. (If the internal logic of that sentence escapes you, you're not alone. ;) I was lurking.) I tried writing out a couple of replies, thinking I'd have something original to contribute, some new angle or something I haven't said before when this subject came up. I wasn't having much luck. It remains to be seen. ;) I prefer relationships. Whether it's friendships, the need for family (biological or fostered/adopted or chosen family), or couples (boyfriend or girlfriend, dating or partnered). To me, that's more what it's ultimately about. I've often said I value character relationships and development, plot arcs, good storytelling, more than sex, and sex is more private. I've also said how it can get to be, how many ways does Tab A fit into Tab B, with a lot of piston action and funny noises involved. Well, yes. I thnk I've also said that the sexual side of it is important when it's showing affection, friendship, support, real love. Or at least, I think I've said that. (I just did, if I haven't already. Heh.) Sure, sex can be incidental, casual, between friends, and it's been known to happen between strangers. That doesn't necessarily make it less meaningful. It can sure have an impact on the rest of someone's day or life. That casual take may not mean it is without love or meaning, either. But let's face it, if it's between strangers, a one time thing, or incidental, casual, then it may not be as deeply meaningful to those involved as other lovemaking. (And I'm noting the nuance between "having sex" and "making love".) It's still there, whether physical release or deep emotional expression. (The two are not mutually exclusive.) Blue, what on earth are you getting at? You're either talking out of both sides of your mouth or talking in circles. Make sense. Don't you have a theme? Yes, I do. The theme is that it's more varied than one or the other. Love and sex do come in many kinds, varieties, degrees of expression or meaning. I'd hope they are meaningful, even the most casual kinds, and I'd hope they were good for the people involved. Sometimes, in life and in stories, they are not, though. That can have something to convey too. But enough of that. What about another take on it? DaBeagle's posted letter says a lot. It says gay-friendly stories are needed. That's why there are sites out there, not just AD or CW or DaBeagle, but lots of them. There are lots of different points of view; read any post on this forum, and every single person has a different viewpoint or two. ;) Tracy and a couple of others brought up something though. Experience, or lack of it. So, at the risk of more "me," or repeating, here goes, and it may surprise you all some. (I sat a long time and tried to write further in some short version, but it kept going on and on and on.) OK, my point was simple. I don't have a ton of real-world experience in the sex department. Plenty of interest in the subject though. But the difference between what we might like to happen and what actually does happen can be wide indeed. Aside from real world experiences, actual or almost or missed chances -- (1) That talk with my dad missed a whole lot of things. It was barely a talk at all. It definitely did not cover two boys together. (2) Experience, good and bad, did and didn't go there, was with other boys. (3) There was much confusion about and a little interest in some very nice, pretty, smart, sweet girls. But no real spark. Oh, I can get nervous and blush and like a girl. But, um, the last time I had that usual male response about a girl was, uh, around 13 or 14, and it was not so spectacular. I was a lot more interested in boys. That got my motor going. (But that upbringing and not so great experiences made me feel guilty after.) I did do some reading from the local library and bookstores, during my teens and then at college. Thank goodness for sex ed at school, health class, and biology, and those friends, or I probably never would've learned anything about sex, straight or gay. I wasn't the athletic type. I liked swimming a lot. But locker rooms were an exercise in not looking and not being seen, for me. (No one explained if you look, you might find a friend looking back. No one explained that things like swimming or wrestling might have unexpected pluses. For a smart kid, I really wasn't thinking it through, was I?) In college, I learned several things from extra-curricular activities, or the lack of them. (1) Wow, did I go into the closet, bad. (2) I did my best to avoid any "extra-curricular, intramural" activities with other guys. My mistake, for sure. (3) When I finally admitted to myself, self, you're gay as anything, I hid in the closet and slammed the door hard. Also not good. In fact, so not good that I managed to flunk out of my scholarship and the university. My grades got so spectacularly bad, they politely asked me not to attend there again. Ahem. During then, I didn't come out, didn't seek help (it's a college with lots of single handsome guys, fer cryin' out loud, what on earth were you thinking?) ...I am sure I became clinically depressed and suicidal during then. -- I still aced French Lit and Calculus and Comp. Sci, but made a D in Data Structures. -- And I am probably lucky that while at college or when back at home, I didn't become one of those statistics we have heard too much about. (4) However, I wrote two small, incomplete stories, *gay* stories on my computer. Hah, if only the internet had existed yet. ... And when I shoved myself in the closet, I did something really foolish: I tore up the paper copies and erased the diskette. Those two stories were actually pretty good. (They were remarkably not long-winded, either.) Along came the internet. I got brave enough to type in the word, gay, in a search box. But I was somehow scared someone would come knocking on my door for looking for gay things. Heh. Yes, really. I learned a lot. I learned some about anatomy, for instance. I also learned there is a difference between artistry and a desperately haunted expression worse than any of my own internalized issues. But then I also discovered gay stories. Well, now that was truly enlightening. Way better than sex ed, lemme tell ya. Fun, interesting, exciting. Very exciting. But eventually, you realize that there isn't someone with you to enjoy that with, and that is quite unexciting. Still, it was pretty good. (Wow, you mean you can do that? Really? Whoa. Cooool.) ... Though some things, no thank you, not my thing. But in with that reading, and learning, was the Big Discovery: Yes, Ben, there are other gay guys out there. Gay girls too. Other things you hadn't ever guessed about. Those gay guys? They want to be with guys, like you do. More important, the big discovery -- They want the same things you do. Friends, a family, a special someone to fall in love with and make love, not just some quickie here today and gone tomorrow thing. (Boyfriend? It might as well have been a new concept from Mars.) They want a good job, a home, family, a partner, stability, children (gay people can have kids?) -- In short, these stories were showing me other gay people not only existed, but that they wanted the same things I did, nice, normal, everyday, ordinary, even boring stuff, but the wonderful stuff that there is in life. Oh yeah, and they wanted the same kinds of sex I wanted too. Say, that sounds fantastic, sign me up. I, uh, I'm ... I'm gay. ... But I still didn't know anyone to talk to or be with. (We will just ignore the glaring fact I live in a major city and even I had heard where one of the big gay neighborhoods was. Eyesight and self-image, and at the time, life experience or lack of it, entered into that heavily.) So, that lead to discovering a couple of stories in particular. AwesomeDude did not yet exist. I was also not done growing. And life was about to take a massive wrong turn. -- By then, my mom had died. But then my dad died. Everything went haywire. Progress in life and towards accepting myself as a gay man stopped. (And I've just realized this has become a "This is your life" confession again. Well, screw it, you're stuck with it. Deal.) Things were OK for a while, then I had trouble. Alone at home, I very nearly became a statistic. But I had read the first chapter or two of a story some time before. Instead of becoming a statistic, I went back and found that story. It's Grasshopper's Just Hit Send. I reread it. Started into it. My self-image right about then was very poor. ("I'm ugly, nobody would want me. I'm handicapped. I'm gay.") When I got to the point in there where Danny is thinking these same sorts of things, becomes desperate, and hits Send...and gets an answer from a boy who also needs a friend...and then they meet...and Jordan accepts Danny and loves him.... I have said before, that story probably saved my life that day. I read everything that had been posted up until then. Whoever Grasshopper is, I will always value that story. It helped when I needed it badly. It helped my self-image, as a handicapped person and as a gay man. -- Just Hit Send does include some sex between Danny and Jordan, but it's from their growing love for each other, and from their need for a friend. It's integral to the story. (And yes, if you'd noticed, I had read several explicit stories on Nifty and liked them. -- For some of us, that is a form of "Gay Sex Ed" and learning it's OK to be that way and you can find other people who feel the same way you do, love and sex both.) It would be a little later before I'd find another story, which led to my very first internet comment on a gay story, which led to some guy called Dude. Soon after, Dude started AwesomeDude with a few friends, myself among them. -- I was not out yet. -- A few months later, I reached a turning point, crisis. This time, though, I was smarter. I went to someone for help. I knew I wasn't doing well and didn't want to be suicidal like before. Some time into that, I found myself admitting I thought I was, no, I was, gay. And immediately wondered if I'd be accepted or rejected for it. (It was my minister.) Heheh, he was fine with it. In fact, didn't I know his daughter was a lesbian. Well, uh, no, I didn't. Um...would I have to stop choir, or subbing for Sunday School youth classes? Surprise: No, you're just fine. I was stunned to be accepted instead of rejected. Not elated, just stunned. It was a few months later that Codey posted on the forum, and I was volunteering at AD then. We misunderstood each other over something, and when we'd worked that out, it started a friendship. I began editing for him. Codey, Dude, and I talked about a site, started from Codey's pages here at AD. That became Codey's World. I volunteered there, and it gave me an anchor, a port in a storm, and a purpose, a way to grow. (I miss Codey a great deal still.) It was a bright spot, as my grandmother's health went from so-so to bad to worse. Finally, it got so bad I was pretty much 24/7 dealing with that. It is now some months later. Here I am. (I've omitted some relevant things, too, such as one friend out in real life, it seemed like a good idea, but wasn't. Or a few other cases of missed or never-were opportunities.) My original point in all the history there was to say that there can be a need for, a purpose for, sex in stories. It can be fun and exciting. It can also be educational if you need to know what's possible, good and bad. (But I'd add, those are stories. You also need factual information for health and hygiene.) It can also be an affirmation: Yes, you can be gay and happy and find someone who feels like you do, wants what you want, and uh, yes, you can have good sex as well as a good relationship. You can even find true love. Yes, that brings me back to the point about the importance of relationships over sex. Sex can be great. I'd like more of it in my own life, in fact. But a real relationship, both friendship and love, is what changes it from just having sex to making love, to really having a partner. So -- I don't object to sex in stories. But sex has its place in a much larger picture, is what I'm really saying. I personally want the relationship more, in my own life, as well as in stories. Uh, to put it very bluntly, I can take care of at least part of that by myself. (Not the same as with someone else, though.) But I'd much rather have love and friendship and find a partner. The relationship is what does it for me in a story, even if that steamy, racy, sexy stuff can be diverting. The editor in me would point out this is too dang long and doesn't clearly get to any one point. It's what I've got at the moment. This is also a somewhat different position than I usually take on this subject. :: facepalm :: My subconscious just looked at that sentence and had a really good laugh at my expense. My subconscious often knows more about this stuff than my conscious, however, or at any rate, my subconscious is often more comfortable and well-adjusted than my conscious mind. So...methinks I doth protest too much. If any of the above makes any sense to you, dear reader, it is probably by sheer accident. ;) Please consider the editor really ought to self-edit more often. I got going and couldn't stop. (I heard that! You guys and your minds....)

LZ Granderson - the Myth of the Gay Agenda

I have this craving for Oreos now. On the shopping list. I wonder. Maybe those people so unhappy about rainbow filling are just grumpy because they didn't get enough Oreos and milk growing up? Or this month? You've really got to wonder, when people start griping about cookies and filling and talking about boycotting them. Who would boycott that? Maybe Oreos should borrow a page from M&M's and put out multi-colored fillings around the holidays? I'd buy Oreos with rainbow filling, how 'bout you?

The phobes will no doubt pile on phobias. Their loss. Anderson Cooper is a class act. He's doing this to speak up for what's right. That is one advantage of the power of the pen, the press, and the microphone. Good man. I want to see a day when people no longer have to "come out" or worry about whether they'll be accepted if they tell someone they like them and ask to go out, or tell friends or family they're gay/bi/etc. Until then, the idea that hey, you've known me for how many years, and I'm gay, is going to have to help. Way to go, A.C.

Even though I have no real experience in this, I can give a partial answer. American kids (pre-teens and teens) do get into several things. Aside from alcohol or tobacco, many kids find access to marijuana. There are things like XTC and Rohypnol (spelling?) that kids need to avoid at clubs and raves and dating. Or they'll abuse prescription or over the counter medications. Inhalants (spray cans, glue, etc.) are problems. (Glue and other inhalants are severe problems in Latin American countries.) Kids can gain access to harder, more dangerous drugs too, especially in big cities. Really, it is pretty much the same here in America and Canada as it is in any major city in France or in Latin American countries. The drug problem is mostly the same. The reasons the kids do them are pretty much the same, whether they are middle class suburban or city kids, or upper class with time and money and lack of supervision, or poor / working class and trying to get by however they can. One of my best high school teachers was a former drug addict. One of my college roommates had been a teenage alcoholic, recovering. This didn't make them "bad" people. In fact, I think they were stronger because they had learned to overcome it. Some kids experiment and don't like it. (I don't like the taste of alcohol and I really don't like the feeling of loss of control. ;) ) Drugs have never appealed to me. I was sick (cold, flu, etc.) a lot as a kid in winter, and so drugs never were something I wanted to get into. But yes, some kids do more and some get hooked. -- I grew up on the edge of town, later in the suburbs. But even at my junior high (middle school) and in high school, some kids did drugs and came to school high. This stuff does happen, and yes, a lot of other things besides. Not all of it is pretty. -- And I probably don't know the half of it, even around where I live. -- But yes, it is something kids today have to deal with, whether it's they themselves or a friend or family member or complete stranger. -- I still remember an article I read in college, about teen runaways here in my city. I live "inside the loop" in a major city. Go very far in any direction around where I live at night, and there are probably street kids and adults, as well as people not out on the streets, dealing with these things. Gratuitous drug use or glorifying it won't meet story guidelines. However, dealing with it in a realistic way can. It is a judgment call, a decision, for whoever is story submissions editor. If you have questions on what would or would not be accepted for a story, you can always write and discuss it. You can also submit the story and ask for comments, feedback, from the story submissions editors. AwesomeDude and Codey's World and others do try to respond on things like that, and if one story is not accepted, another one might be, so don't be discouraged one way or another. (I used to be one of the submissions editors at CW. I still edit for people.)

Hi Everyone. First off, I'd like to apologize. I offended some people. I handled things in a way I shouldn't have, and I said some things without thinking enough. I would like to think I don't usually do that. I try not to let my temper or personal feelings get the better of me, but well, I did. Several people were kind enough to point out a few things, including some things I got wrong. I would like y'all to know I appreciate that. I needed the time off. My personal life is still a mess, still rebuilding, and all of the mess, emotional or real-world, has been spilling over for a long time. It is a big part of why I reacted as I did. For those that may not know, my grandmother had Alzheimer's and passed away last November. I've been her primary support for years. It's left me drained...and sad and angry, on top of existing stuff. It is tough, when there is no good, real way to let loose of all that. Trouble is, that's not completely out of my system. But the time away from the forum, I did a lot of thinking. I've said before about my personal experiences growing up. Rather than go into that much again, just a little: I'm also legally blind / low vision / vision impaired. This affects everything about me, how I grew up, how I am now. I am mostly well adjusted about it, but I got teased and bullied a lot growing up. Being gay? I just thought they were calling me those names because I was different. It took a while before it quite dawned on me that I was "different" that way too: I liked guys. Uh, that's something most people here have dealt with growing up too. It doesn't explain why I have had negative or unhappy comments, does it? No, of course not. Most gay and bi people have dealt with the same sorts of things, maybe as persistently as I have. It also doesn't explain why I griped about negative feedback and so on. It sure doesn't much explain why I barked at another member. OK. I've posted sometime before about it. One of my early pre-teen experiences was with a school friend, three times. The last time, we both screwed up. Two boys who thought they knew anything. We got in over our heads, there was emotional nonsense going on with him and with me. We both got hurt, emotionally and physically. I felt tremendously guilty for my part in it. After all, boys weren't supposed to do anything with boys, were they? Add that to an already shy religious boy who got teased so much, and well, you get a boy who grows up even more repressed. I still had hormones and feelings and the confusion that goes with discovering you like boys, either way more than, or instead of, girls. But that one experience, and the other, more ordinary experiences of being a teenage boy trying to figure out things like friendship, love, sex, boys, and girls...well, that one experience took its toll. When I finally had to face that yes, I really am gay, in college, my reaction was bad: I slammed the door on the closet and flunked myself out of a perfectly good academic scholarship. It would be years before I went back and got an associate's degree. It would be years before I began to outgrow that. The internet helped a lot. Finding gay stories helped tremendously. I was volunteering here before I finally, desperately, came out in person, shortly before CW started. I owe a lot to Dude and others here, and Codey, and to a few good people out there in real life. All of that, particularly that one key incident, has a lot to do with why I care so much about this kind of thing, anything to do with being gay, bi, lesbian, transgender, straight, and questioning. It is also probably why I went off without engaging my brain enough. Folks, I am a mix. There are the well adjusted, optimistic, happy, friendly parts of me, the parts that "get it" about being gay, too. There are also the "poor little me, why me?" and depressive, poorly adjusted parts of me, including about being gay. (You'll have noticed, I over-analyze and I can't write a short post or email to save my life.) And yes, being gay is a big focal point and something of a sore spot -- and it should just be another facet of who I am. I had also just recently written I wanted to turn over a new leaf. I am very, very tired of things being the way they are. I want a better, happier, fuller life. I want a life that includes a social life, roommate maybe, even (oh my) a boyfriend (what a concept that is) or partner (even better). -- But I am not there yet, and yes, I'm aware that shows. -- If you at times find my posts a little rambling or weird, well, I'd ask, please understand where I'm coming from. The biggest thing in my life recently has been losing the people I love the most, after long-term illnesses. Most of my support is just gone, gradually or suddenly, over a period of years. So if I seem a little wacky...I am, I know it, I don't want it that way, I want it better. So I hope people can kind of put themselves in my shoes, and see maybe why I say what I say. I'd also like to say that the young man or boy I was in high school, for all his confusion, questioning, and inexperience, really was a lot better adjusted in some important ways. I really want that back in my life. Sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to step back and start over. Anyway, yes, I'm back. To folks whom I offended, I am sorry. That's not the kind of person I want to be. To folks who were alarmed or got worried for me, and who've missed me, thank you. Special thanks for those who took the time to reply, including constructive criticism, because you were right, and I needed to see that. I am just me, I am who I am. I haven't really figured out this whole thing of being human yet. I'd like to think I'm getting better at it. :) Ben W. | Blue | BlueCatShip (Still long-winded.) (I suppose that could be good in certain applications.... )

I am taking an indefinite break from posting at AwesomeDude because of differences of opinion and negative comments for reasons I am not fully aware of, but which I have been informed of repeatedly lately. I will continue to read at AwesomeDude and Codey's World. I will probably check the forums periodically, but I've asked to have my membership deactivated until and unless I feel my presence is at all wanted or welcomed. I had offered to edit a manuscript for DaBeagle, but have still not received it. If he still wants me to edit, I will. I'd appreciate knowing if so or if not. I will still be in touch with anyone who would like to say hi. I'll still edit, if someone submits a story and I think it's a good candidate. I'm dismayed. But it's been made plain that my posts have been unwelcome and problematic for some number of people. I'll miss participating, but I'm withdrawing for the foreseeable future. Goodbye, folks, I'll miss you. It'd be nice if some people miss me.

NO. Oh, hell, no. Not even halfway into the first chapter and an 11 year old boy can't take a shower by himself, but no, it's not enough just to wash the kid, the man's going to do that? Are you kidding me? Cole and Chris, you two should have read any of it before "recommending" it. That is not like you, so far as I know. A grown man doesn't get to do things like that to little boys. That is NOT what AwesomeDude is about. You bet your butts I am objecting to this. If I were still a moderator or admin, I'd issue a warning. FreeThinker, WTF are you thinking? Grown men and pre-teen and early teenage boys? NO! That is not what it is to be a gay man or boy.

No, sorry, not even going there. A 13 year old with another boy in the choir, OK. A 13 year old with an adult of 32? No. Period.