not sure what to call it

[Josiah Jacobus-Parker]

There's moments when we look to the ground

and see a gap growing.

It's splitting at our feet

and the ideas are all flowing

and beliefs we built our empire on

are starting to slip through.

No stone is built so strong

as to face that on its own.

The fear of the beast,

is not so much the falling

but that which has already fallen.

We?re consumed by trying

to stay afloat and fly.

Then when it finally gives

we?re left free-falling to the ground

We can be building our empires

and lives upon a thought

placing our feet upon it

to reach the next height.

Then one action or a word

can throw it all to shame.

Can loosen the grip you had above you

and unbalance it all again.

Then with luck you find an Angel.

She smacks you all around

on the back of the head in a wake up call

to sort yourself out fast.

She delivers the news the way it should be

with no padding and no pretense.

She?s hard enough to kick you ass

so it?s still smarting three weeks later.

She may be an Angel,

but no one said that they were gentle.

You can be so all consumed

by the thoughts of ill-tidings

that you forget about the good

that people?s love can bring.

It seems that these people

are Angels in disguise.

Friends are just our Angels

who lift us to our feet,

when it would seem our own wings

cannot stand to beat.

That or they kick us so far up the ass

that we don't have a choice.

Such is life.

Now go and find your voice.

------

not really sure what to call it. I think it still needs a lot of work. It was mainly just me scribbling ideas down while I was layed up in bed today.

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Josiah.

I feel a conflict running throughout your peom. (I know there's a typo there.) It feels strained. Like you're trying to force the words into a gentle, abstract lilt, but the thing you are trying to write about just wants to pop out and confront you. Yeah, it feels like you're running around the subject a little bit.

I bet if you took this untitled and chopped it up, threw away the little bits you couldn't use, or couldn't chew through, you'd be left with something quality. Who knows, you might even figure out what you want to call it.

I like it, I get it. I especially like this stanza:

"We can be building our empires

and lives upon a thought

placing our feet upon it

to reach the next height.

Then one action or a word

can throw it all to shame.

Can loosen the grip you had above you

and unbalance it all again."

Keep working on it.

ALso: You should talk to me about your submissions. They've been sitting here for a while.

--Gabe

[Josiah Jacobus-Parker]

I bet if you took this untitled and chopped it up, threw away the little bits you couldn't use, or couldn't chew through, you'd be left with something quality. Who knows, you might even figure out what you want to call it.

Keep working on it.

ALso: You should talk to me about your submissions. They've been sitting here for a while.

--Gabe

Hey Gabe, thanks for your advice. I'll fiddle around with it and see what I can make of it. I didn't really like it in the end either, but I was hoping someone else might be able to give me advice like you have! thanks.

Umm, but I'm a bit confused... what submissions? :?

[blue]

Rusticmonk / Gabe is the poetry editor. If you'd like to submit poems you've posted here, for consideration on inclusion on the site, please discuss it with him.

-----

You're working on something here, and I like where it's headed, but it's not quite there yet. Rework this draft, either by polishing what you have or, as Gabe suggests, by taking the parts that work best and redoing the parts that don't quite get where you want to go. *Don't* throw away this draft or the new drafts; be sure what you want to do with them. Also, you might want to compare them later, to see what you learned. That's useful for any writer, starting or experienced.

You've got at least four main currents running: (*) uncertainty in one's beliefs or ideals; (*) Friends as Angels; (*) Angels can be tough too, with tough love; (*) finding one's own voice and using it. -- All of those are good, and there's probably room to unite them. You're getting there, but you're not quite there yet. It hasn't jelled into a connected whole. I wouldn't say you need to discard anything, but find the way to make things fit and follow together. I'd suggest you strengthen what you were working towards in the last verse too. I think I know what you're trying to say, but you're saying two or more different things, especially in that part, and so your readers need to see how they relate.

Oh, and I want to see the next draft too. I like where you started and I think I'm going to like when it gets there. :) Good work so far.

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Yeah. Echo what blue said. I'd like to see the next draft. But don't edit the first one like I do. (I'm going to stop editing the main copy and posting the new drafts.) I'd really like to see your progression. So, if you've got another draft, would you please post it as a reply?

[Guest rusticmonk86]

I kinda like the stacatto now.