The Little Brown Sparrow

[Justyn]

One green April morning when I was a young boy

I lay by the window watching the rain

And I wondered if ever the sun would come shining

So I could go somewhere to play

Then down from the sky flew a little brown sparrow

And he landed on a branch of an old willow tree

And he sit there watching as I lay wondering

Just the little brown sparrow and me

Then he looked in my window and spied his reflection

There was the willow, there was the sky

And he wondered if ever the sun would come shining

And which was the way for the sparrow to fly

Well, he spread out his wings and he flew to the window

Fast as the wind, sure as could be

But the sky in the window was only a wishing

For the little brown sparrow and me

So there by the window, the sparrow had fallen

He died on the ground in the cold April rain

And I wondered if ever the sun would come shining

And someone could only explain

Then I laid there and saw the wind blow through the willow

And cover him over with yesterday's leaves

And there in the rain, I cried for that sparrow

For the little brown sparrow and me

On a green April morning when I was a young boy

And that little brown sparrow was free

On a green April morning when life.... was a window

For the little brown sparrow and me

[Guest rusticmonk86]

That was heavy. It was really good.

Though, if I were to make one suggestion; it would be to drop some of those conjunctions at the beginnings of its sentences.

I like how it's purposefully metaphorical.

--Gabe

[Justyn]

That was heavy. It was really good.

Though, if I were to make one suggestion; it would be to drop some of those conjunctions at the beginnings of its sentences.

I like how it's purposefully metaphorical.

--Gabe

Thank You Gabe umm this might sound kind of lame but could you please give me an example ? That is if you don't mind. I'm a 19 year old who don't know much about writing but any suggestions I'd sure appreciate :D

-Justyn-

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Umm . . . since you didn't tell me what you wanted example of, I reply to everything I wrote.

First: the words "and" and "then". it's easy to use those words too much. you use them a lot. is it necessary? does it add to the style or flavor of your poem? it's my humble opinion that those words take away the impact of your lines. try reading the story again without the and, but's and or's.

second: the sparrow is an obvious metaphor for how you feel inside. you draw the connection, present it to us on a platter, pretty much. that just makes it harder for someone to over-interpert what you meant. it's right there.

third: it's heavy. yeah, how you feel inside. you feel trapped. or like you're just beating yourself to death upon a light bulb.

i'm 19, too.

--Gabe

[Justyn]

Yikes !! lol I did leave that out lol sorry Try Again

Ok first off the poem was a actual event that took place when I was 10 years old It was for a class assignment that was due by the end of 1st semester of my Sophmore year in High School I had revised it many times cause I just couldnt find the right words it had earned me a B which I thought koolio . But you're right there's like 10 And's and I know it dont look right but that was aa best as I could lol I was originally one whole paragraph till a friend suggested that I break it down OK now the example umm What would you delete or add to make it more presentable? I read the forum on Editing Demo but what I came up with looked way whacked out I was like OH GAWD NO ! (giggles) I really do appreciate your time Gabe oby pointing out and explaining your views to me :D

[Berkeley Romantic]

Justyn,

I wouldn't worry too much about the ands and the thans, et al. While it could possibly be said that the wording of your poem could be modified to increase its impact and flow, it is wonderful as it is; particularly considering the youth of the author. There is beauty in little imperfections; anyone who has been in love knows that.

[Justyn]

Thank You Berkeley Romantic :D

[Guest rusticmonk86]

Poetry isn't really something that fits within the realm of any traditional english language system. I think it's traditionally prose's opposite. You can break all the rules you want, make it rhyme, rhyme differently, sound the same, imply or simply state. That's the same for prose, too. People just don't do it as often; 'cause--when you begin to fool around with some of the words--people get a little confused. And people don't like being confused.

No, your poem is not confusing.

Yeah. I agree with Berkeley Romantic. The and's and then's are nice aestheticly. You don't have to fix it. Didn't mean to freak you out. I was just pointing at them because they were pointing at me.

It's a style thing.

[blue]

I'd started to say something about the "ands" earlier, but didn't get a chance to post.

Consider Gabe's advice for in the future; it's good stylistic advice. Succinct writing, packing the most into a few words, is a strength of Gabe's for poetry and for prose. I think he'd tell you that he learned that along the way.

Me, I write long, meandering stuff, so being more compact is a goal.

-----

Every writer has his own style. So don't freak about your writing, and for sure, don't take it as a statement against you personally. -- No art is ever perfect, just ask any artist about his own work.

Write more, and enjoy it around here. You'll get honest opinions and generally constructive criticism.

[Tragic Rabbit]

Beautiful poem, Justyn.

TR

[Justyn]

Thank You very much TR :)