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New user, New story.


Aleksas

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Hey.

I found out about the site recently from a friend, that had noticed it and recommended it to me because I enjoyed writing. I thought it would be a good idea to see what people thought of my writing, and to get ideas from other people and their writing.

Either way, I hope I have posted this in the right category:

I would have liked if a few people could read over my story and tell me what they think about it.

http://www.geocities.com/aleksas_5555/story1fin.html

This is my third real attempt at gay writing, and the first one wher I would be getting genuine replies and opinions off people.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their time

Lex.

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Went over to the site and read the opening chapter of your tale...quite nicely done, I must say. Being not as much a writer and more an editor, I noted that it needs the helping hand of a good editor, but the errors I saw were more grammatical and less plot oriented, and that is always a good thing--a pass or two through it with a red pen, and it'd be right as rain.

I enjoyed the contrast of characters between the upper class boys and their decidedly working class new friend, and I appreciated the details that made both stand out as living, breathing boys and not just cardboard cutouts from each class. I definitely enjoyed the discussion of EU politics, as this is something one doesn't hear much about over here.

All in all, a very nice start to what could be an amazing story.

cheers!

aj

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Merci merci!!

Thanks for the positive feedback :D

Only thing I can say is be lucky you saw it after the spellcheck... lol. Simple reason being I love to mix english up with the other languages I speak and often dont even realise that Ive used words that dont really exsist in any langauge.

Either way, Im starting on the next part today and hope to have it done ASAP. preferably before the holidays are up!

Thanks again

Lex.

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I wasn?t too fond of it. Not that it was bad, but not my style. It was too literal for me, as far as descriptions and voice go. Exposition was clumsy and language could have been a little more poetic. It is the difference between saying, ?The picture was of a tree going back and forth as the green leaves, which were going in all directions, moved about,? and ?The picture was of a tree swaying in a cool summer?s breeze.?

A trick I use is to write the same story in half the space. So, write your story in 7 pages instead of 13. That disciplines a writer to let go of the parts of a story that are not necessary and to learn to say more with fewer words.

But you are obviously an experienced writer and not simply a beginner. Your technical errors are few, so good attention to that detail. I just feel the story needs a stronger, more distinct voice.

And does it have a title?

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Guest desert dude

Hi Lex,

I'm going to pass on something that an excellent writer told me once:

Ya gotta grab the reader by the balls in the first couple of sentences with a clear definition of who the protagonist is (and I don't mean I'm Blah, Blah and I have blue eyes, etc). You ramble on, mentioning a 'Nigel", 'Mr. Bonnette' and 'Epsen'. Either peak the reader's interest or risk loosing them...fast.

Your dialogue is crisp and look forward to a sharper, honed story.

Best,

Jack

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How would you propose I catch them in the first few sentances.

There's a dynamite book that answers that question very well:

The First Five Pages:

A Writer's Guide to Staying Out of the Rejection Pile

by Noah Lukeman

Published by Fireside Books [iSBN #068485743X]

The book had a profound effect on me, and really made me think about what goes into a novel. Most (if not all) of the best books I've read have generally followed these guidelines to a T.

You can find copies of Lukeman's book for well under ten bucks, if you look around the Net -- even cheaper if you can just borrow a copy from a public or college library.

I would also immodestly point out my own short article, "Gay Writing Tips":

http://awesomedude.com/bb/viewtopic.php?t=9

Lotta good points, many of which I don't claim to have invented or discovered. Also some very good references listed, including the above Lukeman book.

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Guest desert dude

Thanks, Pecman...

...for sharing your article concerning writing. I've already saved it for future reference.

With all the hints in mind, I suggest that Lex try a re-write of the story in limited third person. As you point out, writing in this style requires concentration but can be more rewarding; both for the author and the reader.

BTW, here is a shameless plug for my new story called Professional Courtesy that will start next weekend on 'dude'. With mentoring from an excellent writer - Drew Hunt - I started this as an exercise in limited third person.

Jack

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OK-- First of all thanks for all the replies and support!

I have re-written the first part as desert dude suggested. I've uploaded it and hope that I have managed to keep everybodys suggestions in mind!

http://www.geocities.com/aleksas_5555/story1fix.html

I still dont think I managed to catch people in the first few lines though...

Anyway, hope its better!

Lex.

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Guest desert dude

Hey, Lex,

You caught me. Much improved. You might say after mentioning the father, "...the Honorable XXXX XXXXXX". Also, a subtle suggestion about Nigel's identity.

The other suggestion is to find a friend who can proof/edit for you. Without my trusty editors, the stories I post would really look less professional.

Good luck!

Jack

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Hey, thanks!

I found someone to look over my stuff now, which should make things better in future.

I have started, and am about half way on part two. I havent had my 'editor' look over it yet, but would appriciate of people could just have a quick read and tell me if I might have made some of the mistakes I made in part one, again. I tried to cut down on off topic detail, but I'm not too sure it worked

http://www.geocities.com/aleksas_5555/story2draft.html

Thanks for the advice/help.

Lex.

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