Untitled Work

[Jason Rimbaud]

I'm not sure how long a sample is either. So I put up a few pages. Let me know what you think. But be kind, I'm fragile. Though I do taste better with Ketchup, at least Gabe believes.

Thanks

Jason

Untitled

By: Jason Rimbaud

?Have you ever been blown away? Truly and perfectly blown away.? Jesse Stevens asked in a quiet voice while tucking his long brown hair behind his ears.

Greg Taylor studied his friend for a moment, swirling the dark liquid in his cup, trying to puzzle out the motivation behind such a question. As usual, Jesse was being his mysterious self, an enigma wrapped around a riddle. The two years they had been friends, he had yet figured out the inner workings of the brunet?s mind or the logic that seemed to drive it.

At least on the surface, the six-foot tall brunet was easy going, always quick to laugh or pull a prank. And yet, there were times when something dark and disturbing in those blues eyes would scare him. It did not help that Jesse had a keen intellect. A methodical mind that saw through lies humanity projects on a daily basis. Yet despite this logic, he tended towards the melancholy, a dark jumble of emotions that pushed others away.

As he looked at his friend, he saw something new in Jesse?s eyes. Something he had never seen before. A pensive stare, somewhat akin to sadness. Shaking his head, Greg asked, ?Blown away how??

Reaching for his cigarettes, Jesse stuck one end in his mouth and lit the tip. Drawing the blue black smoke deep into his lungs, he said, ?I mean blow away. A feeling so intense it rips you up and draws you away like a rushing river. Lost, out of control. Helpless.?

Waving the smoke from his face, Greg asked, his green eyes filled with confusion, ?You mean like falling in love??

?No.? Jesse blurted, shaking his head. ?More powerful that that.?

?What?s more powerful than love?? Greg asked. Giving Jesse a confused frown.

Ignoring Greg?s question, Jesse spat, ?Have you??

?Can?t say I have.? Greg said, shrugging before refilling his cup with the last of the coffee. More out of nervousness than any real desire for more of the bitter liquid. The last thing he wanted to talk about with Jesse was love.

?Not even with Melissa?? Jesse asked, his eyes intent.

Greg ran his fingers through his blonde curls and sighed. Okay, maybe talking about love with Jesse wasn?t the last thing he wanted to do. Talking about his ex-girlfriend though fit that picture. He said, ?That?s different.?

?You dated her for three years and never felt like you were blown away?? Jesse asked in disbelief. ?She was sexy, intelligent. Had a killer ass with nice tits and she adored you.? He paused, then added, ?Though I never quite understood that part.?

?Ass.?

?Anyway, to top it off, she let you do whatever you wanted to. She was the perfect girlfriend.?

?That? true.? Greg agreed, shaking his head.

?So what happened??

?I got bored.?

?You got bored.? Jesse laughed. ?That?s the whole story. You got bored.?

?Pretty much.?

?And all this time I thought there had to be a more exciting reason. Like she maybe bit your dick off or something.? Jesse said through his laughter.

?I guess that means I answered your question now didn?t I?? Greg stated in a quiet voice.

Jesse knew his friend long enough to know that ended that particular subject. Picking up on Greg?s mood, he asked, ?Do you know the true thrill of life? Not that simplistic feeling you get while riding a roller coaster. Or from driving too fast on the wrong side of the road. I mean the true thrill of life??

?Nope. But I bet you?re about to enlightened me.? Came the sarcastic reply.

Jesse stared at him for a few moments, his gaze intent, before saying, ?It?s not something you can explain. It?s something you have to experience for yourself.?

?You?re hurting my head again Jesse.? Greg complained, moving around in the lumpy seat trying to find a more comfortable position.

?Imagine how my head feels.? He replied, giving the blonde a mysterious grin. Snubbing out his cigarette even as he reached for another one, he said, ?So last night was weird.?

Greg had grown accustom to Jesse?s ramblings. He seldom stayed on the same subject for any length of time. Pushing his coffee cup to the edge of the table, he asked, ?Why??

?I was online chatting with this chick from California.?

?And that?s weird how?? Greg asked, stifling a yawn.

Stretching out his long legs across the booth, Jesse rested his back against the wall. Toying with his pack of cigarettes, he explained, ?She?s a freshman at Berkley.?

?And.?

?We somehow got on the subject of religion.?

?Really.? Greg stated, leaning forward in his seat and resting his elbows on the table. For the most part, Jesse was an open-minded individual. Believing in one?s right to live by whatever rules your conscience dictates. He was tolerant of all races and believed everyone was created equal. But his views on religion were somewhat skewed. ?I bet that was a fun conversation.?

?This chick, her name was Ann, grew up in a strict Catholic home. Her parents along with her entire family are extremely devout. And you know they?re thoughts about birth control, you can only imagine how big her family really is.?

Chuckling, Greg asked, ?Was she trying to convert you??

?No. Quite the opposite really.? Jesse said, tucking his long hair behind his ears. ?Her religious views were ones I?ve never heard before.?

?What do you mean??

?Okay.? Jesse said, righting himself in the booth. ?Get this. She was obsessed with Christ. I mean really obsessed. Fatal attraction obsessed.?

?Twisted. Go on.? Greg urged.

?Like she wanted to fuck Christ.? Jesse stated before taking a deep drag on his cigarette.

?Come on. You can?t be serious.? Greg said, the look on his face showing his disbelief.

?I swear.? Jesse chuckled. ?She got really turned on by the whole crucifixion thing. She kept going on and on about the bondage of humiliation and how the thought of blood streaming into his eyes and the pounding of the hammer. Like the throbbing drone of ecstasy.?

?I was right, twisted.?

?You?re telling me.? Jesse said, a disgusted frown on his face. ?She said she slept with a crucifix so she could be one with her lord.?

?I was only partly right, twisted bitch.?

?Get this, she says Christ acts like a virgin, speaks like a prayer, but fucks like a fist.?

?Kind of makes you wonder what she?s doing with that crucifix at night.? Greg stated with a shudder.

?But that wasn?t the weird part.? Jesse stated, pausing for effect. ?The weird part was when she asked me to cyber.?

?Are you kidding me?? Greg asked in total shock.

?I couldn?t make this shit up.? Jesse declared. ?She called masturbation a divine act that would intimately bring us closer to God.?

?Please tell me you didn?t.? Greg pleaded.

?Don?t be a jackass.? Jesse spat. ?Of course I didn?t. You know my thoughts on masturbation.?

?A stance I don?t believe.? Greg stated, grinning.

?You don?t believe I don?t?? Jesse asked, moving his hand back and forth, his fingers forming a circle.

?Masturbate.? Greg finished his sentence. ?No I don?t believe you.?

?Well I don?t.? Jesse stated.

?How old are you?? Greg asked.

?Seventeen.?

?And you want me to believe that a healthy seventeen-year-old boy doesn?t stroke it every chance he gets.?

?That?s right. Just because you have a rag of dreams under your bed don?t mean I have one under mine.? Jesse stated as he smashed his cigarette in the ashtray.

?I don?t have a rag of dreams under my bed thank you very much.? Greg replied, his cheeks turning red. ?I jerk off in the shower.?

?Remind me never to shower at your house again.? Jesse said, making a face.

?Where I jerk off is none of your business.? Greg stated, louder than he intended in his embarrassment. Realizing the couple in the next booth had turned and looked at him, his face turned a deeper shade of red.

Jesse laughed, saying, ?Be that as it may, I don?t do it anywhere. Including showers.?

?Then you?re a freak.? Greg stated in a much lower voice.

?Why am I a freak?? Jesse asked, leaning forward.

?Because. You can?t tell me you?ve never masturbated before.?

?I never said I hadn?t masturbated before.? Jesse said through laughter. ?I said I don?t anymore.?

Throwing his hands up, Greg declared, ?I give up.?

?Why are you so worried about it anyway?? Jesse asked, his eyes narrowing.

?Worried about what?? Matt Garrison asked, plopping down beside Greg.

?Jesus Christ Matt.? Greg said as he jumped in his seat, bashing his knees into the table. Jesse started laughing. ?You scared the shit out of me.?

Matt looked at Greg then over at Jesse then back to Greg. He asked, ?What?s so funny??

Greg stammered, trying to find something to say. Giving up, he squeaked out a curse, ?Fuck.? All the while rubbing his knee.

?Well.? Jesse began, grinning. ?Our red faced friend over there seems to be preoccupied with masturbation.?

?What?s the big deal.? Matt said. ?I just tossed one off before I came over here.?

Greg and Jesse looked at each other, mirrored looks on their faces. ?What?? Matt asked. ?You?ve gotta release the tension somehow.?

?Can I get you boys anything??

Looking up at Rachel, Greg wondered how much of the conversation the waitress had heard. Realizing it would be better if he never found out, he managed a smile and said, ?I don?t think so.?

?Speak for yourself Curly.? Matt said. ?I?d like a cup of coffee and a western omelet with home fries and sausage."

?How ?bout you boys?? Rachel asked as she picked up the empty coffee warmer.

?I could use another cup of coffee.? Jesse said, flashing a smile at the older lady. ?Your coffee always tastes better than anyone else?s.?

Rachel, now accustom to Jesse?s flirtatious nature, patted him on the cheek and said, ?For you sugar, I?ll even brew a fresh pot.?

?Thank you darling.? Jesse said, grinning. ?And do you think you can give us some real cream instead of this powered stuff??

?Anything for you.? She promised, giving the brunet a wink.

Matt asked, a frown crossing his round face, ?Why do you always do that??

?Do what?? Jesse asked, feigning innocence.

?Flirt with everyone.?

Jesse?s eyes seem to twinkle though he replied with a straight face, ?You gotta release the tension somehow.?

?Now that?s sick.? Matt stated, grabbing the pack of cigarettes from the table. ?She?s old enough to be your mother.?

As the argument went back and forth, Greg let his mind wander. It was no wonder his thoughts drifted to the night he broke it off with Melissa. That was the night everything changed inside him. The night he had admitted he was gay for the first time.

Glancing over at Jesse, he wondered if the longhaired boy had that same sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. The feeling that had been burning inside him from the first time he had laid eyes on the brunet. At first, it was a natural curiosity. Jesse was the new kid in a rather small town where most of the children had grown up together since pre-school. He looked different, dressed different and acted different. But then long after curiosity should have waned, he would find himself making excuses just to be near him.

During school, he always made sure Jesse sat in front of him. After classes, he would position himself during lunch so he could study the boy from afar without fear of discovery. Keeping the brunet in sight without never really speaking to him.

And then Matt begun bringing Jesse around. He tried to keep his distance but somehow, Jesse always seemed to be around. He began having trouble convincing himself it was only friendship he felt. Then the idea of Jesse started creeping into his mind at the oddest moments. While watching TV he would startle himself, realizing he was wondering what Jesse was doing. Or during his evening meals, Jesse would be there in the back of his head. It had gotten so bad he began ignoring the brunet all together. But the more he tried to ignore the boy the more he thought about him.

He even caught himself comparing Jesse to Melissa. Going as far as making a mental list of pro?s and con?s one day during English class. And then it happened. He was having sex with Melissa one afternoon and during the middle of it, he realized the body he was lusting for was not the one beneath him.

He found himself picturing Jesse naked, what he looked like, how his skin would feel, how his lips would taste. All these things were racing through his mind as he came. The orgasm was the strongest of his life and in that instant he knew the truth. Lying there, still inside her, his body shaking from his release, he knew. He accepted the love he felt for his friend. The very next day he broke it off with Melissa and vowed to find out everything there was to know about the enigma named Jesse.

Copyright©2006 Chaotic Life

[JamesSavik]

Dialogue is a two edged sword: sure it can be used to define characters, give the reader information and show don't tell. These things you did rather well.

The other side of using lots of dialogue is that using it this way is tricky. A reader can easily get lost in it and lose track of who is saying what.

My suggestion is that you make use of white space to break up the dialogue. Put a break between paragraphs and start a new paragraph each time you change speakers. It makes the text easier to read and not so jumbled together.

Other than that strictly mechanical issue, it looks good. I'm interested in the characters and would move on to the next page. :thumbright:

:geek:

[Graeme]

A really good start to a story. There are some editorial issues such as punctuation that need to be addressed, but that doesn't impact on the story. You're developing the characters well and the story moves nicely.

Of course, I have to have a negative, but I'll admit it's one that I'm guilty of at times, too. :D

Most of the story reads as if the characters are teenagers and that's the environment the story is set in. However, the following section at the start uses a more complex style:

Greg Taylor studied his friend for a moment, swirling the dark liquid in his cup, trying to puzzle out the motivation behind such a question. As usual, Jesse was being his mysterious self, an enigma wrapped around a riddle. The two years they had been friends, he had yet figured out the inner workings of the brunet?s mind or the logic that seemed to drive it.

At least on the surface, the six-foot tall brunet was easy going, always quick to laugh or pull a prank. And yet, there were times when something dark and disturbing in those blues eyes would scare him. It did not help that Jesse had a keen intellect. A methodical mind that saw through lies humanity projects on a daily basis. Yet despite this logic, he tended towards the melancholy, a dark jumble of emotions that pushed others away.

As he looked at his friend, he saw something new in Jesse?s eyes. Something he had never seen before. A pensive stare, somewhat akin to sadness. Shaking his head, Greg asked, ?Blown away how??

There's nothing wrong with this, but that style of writing is not maintained throughout the story, and so it feels (to me) out of of place. As I said, I'm guilty of this, too, which is one of the reasons I picked up on it.

The other section that felt out of place was the revelation that Greg's gay. The switch from mainly dialogue to just narrative felt abrupt. If you could soften that switch a bit, I think it'd help. A suggestion (and only a suggestion) would be to emphasise Greg's thoughts and body language as he starts thinking about this so the reader feels more part of what's going on, rather than just being told about the history.

Overall, I think it's an excellent piece!

Graeme :)

PS: I've also learnt that the brunet is the correct word for someone with dark hair, and that brunette is the feminine version. While brunette could be used for both sexes, brunet is more appropriate for males. I never knew that before :D

[Tanuki Racoon]

PS: I've also learnt that the brunet is the correct word for someone with dark hair, and that brunette is the feminine version. While brunette could be used for both sexes, brunet is more appropriate for males. I never knew that before :D

Want to know something else. Along the same lines it's BLOND and BLONDE for people of the fair hair variety. Nobody ever uses them properly either.

[EleCivil]

Very cool. I'll second James's comment about the white space between paragraphs/speakers, but other than that, I love it. You got me interested in all these characters in a rather short time, which is awesome.

Coincidentally, I just got done reading a book where one of the female characters had a sexual attraction to Jesus/crucifiction fetish.

Anyway, once again, this is great.

[Jason Rimbaud]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for giving me some constructive advice. Since everyone picked up on it right away,

let me say that my lack of white spaces and poor format was a copy and paste problem. I swear,

when I was writing it, it was formatted properly. #-o

Graeme,

Reading this back, on my saved version so it was easy on the eyes, I saw right away how

disjointed this piece looked on paper. I've had this problem since I began writing a few hundred years

ago. My first stories had almost all dialogue and no descriptive narration. After reading millions of books

I am trying to find a balance between the two. It didn't help that I was trying to marry two different pieces

written over two years apart. Another reason why they seemed to be different styles. Opps, got caught

being a lazy writer. Good call though. :-p

As the proper use of blond or blonde. I never knew there was a difference. I have always liked blonde on

paper better than blond. I used this on preference alone. And if I used brunette instead of brunet, that

was an error. I never edit my work until after the forth or sixth re-write.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I have a completed story I am debating on submitting to Awesome Dude

sometime in the future. Have a great weekend everyone.

Jason

[Trab]

"And if I used brunette instead of brunet, that was an error."

You didn't. Graeme just never knew about the difference before this, and was essentially thanking you for bringing it to his attention, without saying the words. (Am I right Graeme?)

[Graeme]

Essentially correct, Trab

I've since gone back to something I've been writing and... er... made a couple of small changes.

[aj]

As a way to ease the transition between the 'dialogue section' and the 'explication/narrative' section, you could frame the initial part of the explication as internal dialogue, i.e., 'What am I going to do about this guy? How did I ever end up in this situation?' His mind wandered back over the events of the last few months... (ok, that's really cheesy, but you get the idea).

cheers!

aj