The Boy With The Rainbow Sticker

[Guest Gabriel Duncan]

The Boy with the Rainbow Sticker

Gabriel Duncan

I saw him walking by

Flying solo, Rainbow stripped

I saw them while he passed

And dipped, below the last?horizon

I fantasized of stopping him

Not knowing what I?d say

I prayed for something witty

Maybe more than a simple hey

But I lost it

So I watched him

Pass by me everyday

His eyes were perfect emeralds

Hidden by his hair

His strides were long and confident

He passed by me unaware

But . . .

Sometimes it was a bike

Same plastic, rainbowed stripe

Not caring what others might; think

He, pedaled by me

Without a blink,

He . . .

Smiled once

It made me swoon

My head spun so fast

I couldn?t move

I damned myself daily

Dejected by my insecurities

More scared of first contact

Than failing miserably

Every night I dreamt of things to say

Pleasant conversation

Accompanying subtle word play

Hey! I threw it out,

What?s that sticker all about?

Seemed lame where,

Directness seemed profane

I woke on a cold and lonely Friday night

The script, it turned so slowly

I stayed up until I saw daylight

I couldn?t keep my hands from trembling

My fingers almost slipped

And ripped the note

I planned to send him

When I knocked

The answer came

The gentleman had moved

I went deranged with sadness

Madness bubbled up

Wasting time by longing

It was obscene, I couldn?t stand it

He passed by me everyday

[Codey]

Bravo! Gabe, I absolutely love this poem...it says it all about what to many of us do. The price we pay for our insecurities.

Codey

[blue]

I'm considering myself indirectly zinged.

And two friends got me to *promise* to get off my butt and *do* something. (Well, not necessarily *that* something) right away. Heh, sneaky friends, they snuck up on me and got me to make a promise, the kind of serious one I don't make too often. -- So...making a little progress. Nothing big yet, but those friends are keeping after me, so...we'll see how it goes.

I like the poem, Gabe. Insecurities? Got a few. Linus is a great guy! :))

Moving forward. Seems like friends are giving it a push.

[Tragic Rabbit]

Beautiful, delicate, sad, lovely.

I love it.

Kisses...

TR

[Guest Gabriel Duncan]

So, TR sent me some edits in the mail

I saw him walking by

Flying solo, Rainbow- stripped

I saw it while he passed

And dipped, below the last?horizen

He suggested (1)stripped being changed to striped. But I meant stripped. (2)Horizen should be Horizon, I'll change that. He also added some punctuation and stuff that I'm not including.

I damned myself daily

Dejected by my insecurities

More scared of first contact

Than failing miserably

Like adding the word "of" between failing and miserably.

Trab caught horiz0n, suggested striped as well. And he also noted that the ending is discordant. But he thinks it may be appropriate because the narrator has lost his rythm.

What do you think about the ending? Is it discordant? Does it bug you?

As for the word choices on stripped vs striped. Are you confusing the noun with the verb?

Why does this poem need punctuation? Or more punctuation than it has?

When I add punctuation, they're usually notes to myself on how to read aloud.

[Trab]

Might I suggest that if you want it to be stripped, a comma, rather than the dash, may convey the point better, unless of course you meant a stripped flag, and not a stripped body?

[Guest Gabriel Duncan]

i changed it again

From:

I saw him walking by

Flying solo, *R*ainbow stripped

I saw *it* while he passed

And dipped, below the last*--horizen*

To:

I saw him walking by

Flying solo, rainbow stripped

I saw them while he passed

And dipped, below the last

horizon

i mean strips of fabric. like, from a flag. or strips of ribbon, something with bars of color. covering everything. or close to it; displayed prominantly?

but what about the end?

nevermind.

i like how it breaks down.

[Tragic Rabbit]

i mean strips of fabric. like, from a flag. or strips of ribbon, something with bars of color. covering everything. or close to it; displayed prominantly?

That's 'striped', then, that you want, not 'stripped'. 'Stripped' means removed or disassembled, like stripped of one's clothing or a stripped-down rifle. Candycanes are striped, flags are striped, that is, they have stripes of color or fabric.

I like the ending.

Kisses...

TR

[Camy]

Why does this poem need punctuation? Or more punctuation than it has?

When I add punctuation, they're usually notes to myself on how to read aloud.

When I'm writing I always read my 'poetry' aloud. I'm not very good at puctuation (I have an editor for stories), but with poetry I know how I want it to sound, and puntuate accordingly.

Surely the same must be true for you, and If you add puctuation to help you read aloud, shouldn't it be an intrinsic part of the published poem anyway?

[Camy]

Sorry!

I forgot to say I really like the piece, and would love to hear you read it... That's a hint btw.

Camy

[blue]

I *like* the ending, damnit. The narrator feels disarranged, so it's fine for it to be a little discordant or break rhythm. If it were put to music, then there'd be a change in the flow of the music for the ending, which is artful.

Stripped - Strips are small stripes, like Gabe said. Stripped can mean something has strips.

I don't think you intend an allusion to "stripped," as in, "to remove, lay bare," but I might just be missing it, since the narrator feels bereft at the end.

It's a very fine poem. Lots of feeling and well executed.

[Guest Gabriel Duncan]

:: sighs ::

Thanks for the good words.