I'm Falling

[Guest Gabriel Duncan]

December, 2002

recording at http://www.lonelyocean.co.uk/audio/imfalling.mp3

I?m Falling

Gabriel Duncan

I?m falling

Sliding

And I have nothing to grab onto

But myself

There are welts

Where I?ve pulled on my flesh

Willing it into red marks

Where my fingers have been

I can?t stop this

I?m sliding

And I have nothing to grab onto

The fingernails of my soul

Are worn

And torn

And black

From digging them into ground

Trying to stop myself

To find some stability

Somewhere

I try to go inside myself

To stop this

To calm myself

To repress it

But that only gets me

A few more grey hairs

A few more dents

A little more self-hatred

It would be so easy

To take the nail clippers

In front of me

Right now

And clip out the veins

Of my infected body

To just slice myself

With the razor

In the bathroom

But something stops me

And I don?t want it to anymore

This feeling

This voice

This conscience

I?m cold

And nothing can help this

Nothing can help me

I?ve fallen

And I can?t get up

And even suicide is out of reach

These circular thoughts

That leave me distraught

And out to hang

In the sun

I want it bad

Just end it

Now

Don?t put yourself through this

Do

It

Now

Yes

A needle

No

I?m struggling with myself

Tumbling over myself

Wrestling that needle out of my hands

And this is a fight of survival

But I?m still falling

And I have nothing to grab on to

It?s a war

The mortars

Of self destruction

Slam into

The angels of hope

That hold my thoughts

Under siege

And I am helpless

And I am still hopeless

And I am still falling

And I have nothing to grab on to

Everything is slipping away now

And none of it is real

I?m walking across the street

And I don?t know if the cars will stop

And I am scared

The mortars slow

And the angels recede

The end of one of the many battles

And I am left

Tattered

Shattered

And scattered

Drying tears

Streak my face

Another night

Spent awake

Crying

And lying in bed

[blue]

My immediate reaction on reading this was:

whoa. damn, that's strong.

tough subject, tough to read, but wow, that's some poem.

I've never cut. I hadn't heard of it until a few years ago. But I do understand being depressed and self-destructive.

I can't help an emotional response to stuff like this. Well, a poem is supposed to engage a reader's feelings and thoughts, that's what it's for (to me).

Of course, when I read one like this, I get this urge to say, "Wait, no, don't do that! You've got better choices!" -- The optimistic, cheerful self you usually see in me is my better, true self. The depressed, confounded self that I sometimes show is also me, not at my best or truest self.

So when I get the urge to tell someone that a bad choice isn't the one they should make, it is because I've been through some tough crap, still dealing with some of it, and I want to make sure other people avoid adding unneeded tough crap to their lives.

OK, off my soapbox. Yeah, I know, I give personal reactions. It's how I am.