I LOVE KEVIN BRISTOL by Pete Jones

[dude]

Pete has been so kind and brave as to be our first author in the New Writers Series.

Pete has written other stories on Nifty in the traditional erotica style. This is his first foray into serious character development and I, for one, think he is on to something.

Of course the story heats up sexually as it goes along and he writes more in his former style, but I also believe Pete has the makings of a credible writer of fiction.

Please add your helpful and constuctive comments in this thread and hopefully we can be of service to Pete and other new writiers.

[blue]

I thought the story was, well, sweet. It avoided most of the conventional things, the story progressed realistically, and the ending was unexpected and bittersweet. I'm fine with it as a single-chapter short story.

I hope to see more good things in the future. Nice work.

[Guest]

Hi Pete! Read your story and enjoyed it very much. I thought the journal-style format worked well and I thought you really captured the giddy excitement of a young boy falling in love.

I guess my main criticism is that there just wasn't enough toe sucking. In fact, there was none! I mean, how could two hot, horny teens not get into some serious foot action?

Just kidding, of course. The ending was interesting and a little disturbing. I would have liked to have known how Charles' folks would respond to this situation. Would they be shocked and disappointed (and blame themselves) or would they be supportive?

[*pete]

Hi everyone! I'm really glad to be part of this community, and hope that I can share as much as I have already learned from all the great writers here.

Thanks to both of you who have commented on my story. I always welcome any criticism, good or bad, as any feedback will halp me grow as a writer. Oh, and to underthehoodster... I'm sorry that there was no foot-action there... what WAS I thinking?

Writing this story was something new for me. I had written a few short stories in the past (way back in High School... I'm 31 now), a screenplay about aging rock musicians (which has done nothing more than gathering dust on the shelf over my desk) as well as a couple other short stories for the "Nifty" site (more traditional erotica-style), but had this story in my head for wuite some time. I guess I had always wanted to do more writing, but never really thought I had anything to say. Everyone's kind words have really made me feel differently, and made me feel like this is something that I could/should do more often.

I'm looking forward to getting to know more of you personally, and reading your stories as well.

Thanks again!

-Pete

[Ena]

Hi Pete,

Just to let you know I've enjoyed the story. The ending is disturbing but it is also because of the twist that makes the story stands out and stay in my mind for a long while.

It makes me think, at least makes me realise that there is a story behind newspaper headlines which may never be revealed to us.

And maybe to be less judgemental.

Good work.

Cheers

Ena

[Guest]

Hi Ya Pete!

Nice job and great twist at the end. Throughly enjoyed your short story!

Paul

[*pete]

Hey guys!

Thanks so much for your feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Here's something I need all your opinions on... I'm considering making "I Love Kevin Bristol" into a full-length story. Do you think it would translate well into full-length in terms of the story itself? If so, should I continue using the journal-entry storytelling style, or write something more traditional?

Also, when I originally wrote the story, it had a different ending where the newspaper article was about the two main characters having committed suicide. What do you think about that? I know it's harsh and sad, and that most people like to either see a happy ending or at least something more ambiguous like the way I have it now, but I really personally enjoy stories that aren't always wrapped up with a nice little bow. Personally, I enjoy more realistic stories.

Let me know what you think!

*pete

[blue]

I think it's effective as-is. The journal format and newspaper clipping worked well, including the surprise ending that they both eloped, despite Charlie's parents being a gay couple. Personally, I like the idea better that they eloped, rather than a single or dual suicide. If you are considering a full story, I'd say write about what happens after they leave. What do Charlie's parents or Kevin's family do? What happens to Charlie and Kevin? You could either keep it strictly in journal format or mix journal entries and news articles with the usual narrative and dialogue format. They'd face all kinds of challenges trying to live on their own that young. For comparison, I remember my reaction to a long teaser Aterovis wrote. The teaser was an alternate ending for a book. In a later story, he kills off one of the main characters (it may have been the narrator!) and has another character begin narrating. Well, since that main character was the one I was invested in as a reader, it felt like cheating, like a bait-and-switch. Now, on the other hand, having a character deal with the death of another character can work well. I wish "Do What You Can" had been completed, which deals with that as its major theme.

To summarize, take the story from after the short story ending and use the short story as a prologue. Or let the short story stand on its own; it's strong enough to do that. But if you have more to tell about Charlie, Kevin, and the others, by all means do. Just make sure the further story adds something new and completes things.

[Ena]

Hi Pete,

The journal-entry storytelling style is interesting but it may come a point where it may be limiting as the story goes. But that is also where the skill of the author comes in to make it works for him. I would be interested to see how you turn this into a full length series.

I am glad you did not have them committed suicide. I rather leave it ambiguous like the way you did. The way the story went, I don't see them committing suicide. They are stronger than that. Run away, yes but not killing themselves. I thought the ending makes this quite a realistic story. It is sad and harsh that these boys feel that they have to run away. Their prospect is not good. But I am glad that you gave us a chance to at least hope that somehow they would make it through.

Ena

[Guest]

Hi Ya Pete,

I have given your comments some thought and I added Blue's comments into my evaluation of your request. Should you decide to continue the story, the first part merely serves as "the back story" should you write onwards. Leave it as is and pick-up the thread at the point where you left off; the newspaper article. There are several variations on the theme and plot from that point, a glance backwards say from a distant future POV on the part of either character, or an immediate take off from the article moving forward.

You could also take and run a storyline based from the POV of either parent, working a reunion into the story or an awareness of what had transpired long after the boys disappeared. Personally, I think that coming at the story from another angle would have a greater draw and would allow for much more expansion of the theme and plot from the first story. But that is my suggestion only as an editor, not a critque or "you oughta do this" train of thought. Well, there ya go!

Paul :mrgreen:

[subben]

Pete,

I really enjoyed the story. I think that this would be a very good intro or 1st chapter to continuing the story. Unlike others, I do not really like to read stories involving teen suicide. I prefer, instead, a more positive approach - that of showing that teens can make it; that the love of TWO can outweigh all of the opposition and that teen love can survive !

I think that a retrospective look from the point of Charlie's and Kevin's parents as well as what the duo were experiencing at the same general point in time would be very interesting - and perhaps culminating in the return of Charlie and Kevin later. A point to consider would be that Charlie's parents are gay and may serve as a bridge to let everyone know they are in fact OK.

Pete - you've got a good thing going here ( just want to consider more than a "spell checker" - in a few places the words are spelled correctly - but are not the words that should be there (their). Otherwise - am looking forward to a either continuation/companion part 2 or if you are ambitious developing a series.

ben

[*pete]

hey! thatks for all the additional comments. oh and ben- the grammatical errors were done on purpose... it was the journal of a 14-year old boy! LOL

im still thinking of writing the story as full-length. i am however, considering dropping the journal-format. i just think it might not work full length- the reader (i assume) will want more descriptive text about the surroundings, the other characters, etc. correct me if i am wrong.

also, i think i will leave it more ambiguous. i do want to pretty much end it where it ends currently, adding maybe a little more about the families' reactions... the parents doing the tv-plea for their son, etc.

:idea: on another note, the only other thing i have completely written is a screenplay about a rock musician who died and then comes back to reunite with his former bandmates. i think it's pretty good, but im dying to get someone else's opinion. anyone out there who is familiar with screenplays want to check it out?

seya!

pete

[dude]

the grammatical errors were done on purpose... it was the journal of a 14-year old boy! LOL

Well, that's one I picked up on! Had I thought they were unintentional, I would have pointed them out to Pete.

A possibility, Pete. You could integrate the daily keeping of the journal into the story line and from time to time highlight some things in it. Also are you thinking of writing in the first person.. as a journal limits you to do, or in the third person?

Lots of stuff to ponder. Lots of help available here. BTW. I spoke to Nick today and he definitely plans to contribute some comments very soon.. he has for the past few weeks -since you joined us- been preoccupied with details of the possible publication of his first novel.

[blue]

If you're not sold on doing it as strictly a journal format, then have you thought of this possibility?

Why not intersperse frequent journal entries, newspaper clippings, and other items in with regular narrative and dialogue? Treat it as if it was a scrapbook someone is putting together or leafing through it, Charlie or Kevin or perhaps someone else. Actually, that could be a way to frame the story. It would also vary what's presented, to keep the reader's interest piqued.

I still really like the hook of doing the short story as a journal.

Maybe you'd want to try a sample chapter using each approach, to see what works best for you.

[Tragic Rabbit]

If you're not sold on doing it as strictly a journal format, then have you thought of this possibility?

Why not intersperse frequent journal entries, newspaper clippings, and other items in with regular narrative and dialogue? Treat it as if it was a scrapbook someone is putting together or leafing through it, Charlie or Kevin or perhaps someone else. Actually, that could be a way to frame the story. It would also vary what's presented, to keep the reader's interest piqued.

I still really like the hook of doing the short story as a journal.

Maybe you'd want to try a sample chapter using each approach, to see what works best for you.

Pete

For what its worth, I agree almost exactly with the above post from 'blue' and the one somewhere above it by 'gpaulbishop' regarding a lengthened version. I definitely think it stands on its own well as a short story. I liked the ending very much and LOVED the first half to two thirds, the journal entries prior to the sex (not that I disliked the sex, but that's something else and involves typing one-handed) where Charles sounds SO much like a teenager. I laughed like crazy, I just can't tell you, and I usually loathe diary-style stories even by authors I otherwise enjoy.

I thought it was wonderfully done, the pacing up to their contact, and the humor was a fabulous bonus. Really made it work, in my opinion. The sex stuff, it was hot (ahem) but did seem a little of a variation for the actual journal itself. Maybe break up those paragraphs more, like the earlier entries? I loved the story, though, don't misunderstand.

I guess I should mention that I'm the other newbie around here so feel free to ignore what I say and push me in a puddle on the playground. On a nearby thread, these guys are helping me figure out how to organize the mess that vomits out of my keyboard. So my 'advice' lacks their credibility.

Just please don't 'pants' me on your way out.

Kisses...

Tragic Rabbit

**********

Posted later. GRRR, this forum keeps screwing me (and no, I'm not enjoying it). I'll try again.

What I meant by the above is this: When I read ILKB, I can HEAR Charlie taking in my ear. He's excited, he's afraid, he's bored, he's scared. I can hear him the whole way through with the exception of the first sex scene and something later, I forget what. One sex scene was him in my ear, though, and that's the one in the cellar at Christmas. Not only was that one HOT but I could feel his breath on my ear as he talked rapid-fire, breathing hard.

If you make a longer story, you could use the journal at the end instead of the beginning. Maybe in the middle, even. Possibly interspersed (as someone else said) with newspaper clipping or letters between characters. Notes in lockers? Anyway, something to keep the vivid first person thing going.

That's it for now.

Blue, I read what you wrote below. What does being 'out' about my sexuality have to do with offering lame advice on someone else's writing? Letting my demeanor do the talking doesn't seem to confer anything much in Real Time other than to significantly reduce the attentions of females. What it definitely doesn't do is help me critique and correct my OWN writing, so I need help. So here's the deal.

We can play doctor anytime you want if you will HELP me with structure, continuity and style on Drama Club. Quid pro quo. (Can I touch your quid with my quo? )

Kisses....

Tragic Rabbit

[blue]

Blue would point out that Tragic Rabbit has done two somethings that Blue hasn't:

1. Tragic Rabbit has a story posted with several chapters. Blue has advice and does work editing/proofing, but no posted stories, just some chapters/notes of stories sitting on disc.

2. Tragic Rabbit is not in the closet. Blue is just peeking out. Not peeing out, peeking out....

Seems to me that qualifies Tragic Rabbit plenty, newbie or not.

I promise not to push either of you in a puddle unless you want to mud wrestle!

Pantsed? Well, I wouldn't want a wedgie, but I'll show you mine if you show me yours. :o