Excuses

[Madrigal]

There was a time,

when I was five

the blade was sharp

and it called to me.

It promised to vanish

this pain in my chest.

But I didn't know...

my grip was lost

and this knife hit the floor.

Release was the goal:

I did not know the word.

Then there was the hate,

that's when I turned eight...

and I had one more reason

to build my own prison.

I thought I had friends

but that one word I lacked.

They'd mock me,

my sister, my mom, my dad.

It is at school

where I've learned the most:

I've learned to dodge blows,

I've read new words

and I've learned not to cry.

It was there I first heard this:

you're gay.

And since then, this stigma

like scarlet has followed

and preyed on my frame.

Their voices would change,

mine was just as high.

Perhaps I was special,

perhaps I was not.

And it was at twelve

that I learned the word suicide.

And I learned it would follow me

for the rest of my life.

I've had many chances,

from when I was five.

I've chosen to live,

to appear happy.

But never will i discard this feeling

of shame and regret.

I've made excuses:

My parents would miss me.

That was a lie.

My sister would cry.

And I knew she wouldn't.

My friends would...

and that claim I just couldn't finish.

And today was the most recent

appearance of the thought in my mind.

I envisioned the deed

and started to cry.

Not because I couldn't, but because today I really had an excuse:

I refuse to die like they'd have me do.

And I owe some money.

[Bruin Fisher]

How can I respond to that?

Powerful poetry, yes.

Painful soul-baring, yes.

Courageous honesty, yes.

So many of us have contemplated suicide - but I've never heard anyone articulate the preventive that has worked for me before: I owe money!

Can I offer another reason not to die? WE NEED YOU, MADDY!

Thank you for this amazing, harrowing poem, Maddy, hang on in there, mate! You are a powerful force for good and the world would be a sadder, poorer place without you.

[Bruin Fisher]

(Drat - internet bunnies caused a duplicate post - perhaps the forum hoover will tidy this up? Thanks!)

[DesDownunder]

How can I respond to that?

Powerful poetry, yes.

Painful soul-baring, yes.

Courageous honesty, yes.

So many of us have contemplated suicide - but I've never heard anyone articulate the preventive that has worked for me before: I owe money!

Can I offer another reason not to die? WE NEED YOU, MADDY!

Thank you for this amazing, harrowing poem, Maddy, hang on in there, mate! You are a powerful force for good and the world would be a sadder, poorer place without you.

I agree Bruin.

Yes it is powerful, revealing and honest poetry.

Such clarity is rare and is much needed.

Excellent poem Maddy.

[Cole Parker]

If you need another reason, it would be:

Don't still that illuminating voice. It brings powerful messages to us all. Your reach is larger than you imagine.

C

[Madrigal]

Eee, sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound that serious. Like a lot of people, I have considered suicide, but I'd never kill myself. This poem is just the product of a fleeting idea, magnified.

Thank you for the kind comments.

Maddy (:

[Bruin Fisher]

Don't apologise!

It's great poetry and I jumped to the wholly unjustified conclusion that it expressed your present or past state of mind. It's a great relief to know I'm wrong.

Anyway, if ever you do get down, know that the whole AD community is rooting for you (routing?)

We love you, Maddy!