blue - a little more out, a little more in

[blue]

I'm a little more out online. I outted myself on a science fiction board where I hang out regularly. When I last looked, I had over 30 replies, all positive, including from friends I was nervous might not be OK with it. There were over 270 views. I've had over 3 PM's to say attaboy. That feels pretty good. No, that feels awesome. I didn't expect that much support that quickly, in less than a week. That means I can be out anywhere online now, except to family and church friends, and that'll happen eventually.

The friends I've told in person so far, or who have spread the news with my OK, have been fine with my news. That does feel good.

I'm a little more in the closet in person, at least for now. That bites mightily. You see, I'm taking care of my grandmother. A few months ago, I could've told her, if I'd been able to, and she would've been able to deal with it sooner or later. But she is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. It is too much to ask of her for me to tell her this about myself. She loves me unconditionally, but she has no comprehension of what it is to be gay. The idea her grandson might be gay? "Does not compute."

Two of her best friends either "don't think it's right" or have strong religious objections. But they have said I'd make someone a great husband someday and one said I should be a counselor, when I have listened to her marital problems several times recently.

I spent a while the other day feeling down about that "great husband" remark, until I finally realized I was thinking the old way, and that, hey, maybe I might at that; the only difference is that instead of having a great wife, I'd want a great husband.

Several ppl online and in person have said lately that I should be a counselor. I'm beginning to think someone's trying to tell me something. The only thing is, if I'm so great at it, how come until recently, I've never felt called to it, and more to the point, how come I've had such difficulty dealing with my own problems?

In other words, as usual, I'm confused and over-thinking myself like everything.

Help, I'm surrounded by straight people! I really, really need some outlet in person, just to hang out and talk with gay and gay-friendly friends, make some new friends and do some new things.

If you're getting the idea that I have about zero time and zero privacy right now, you're absolutely right. If you're getting the idea it's driiving me up the wall, you'd be right again. You'd laugh if you saw how I'm connected to the net right now.

~Blue, frustrated, but dealing with it as best I can.

~How will my Mr. Right and I ever find each other at this rate?

~For that matter, I'd just like to be able to hang out with some friends where I can be gay, if that makes any sense and doesn't sound pathetic.

...I think this might mean I'm not really dealing with this as well as I said I am.

...Pardon me while I chase my own tail. :laughs: Oh wait, can we chase each other's tails (or other parts)? That would probably be more fun. ...See, I'm still figuring this out, apparently.

OK, sense of humor back in place. Yes, I'm rambling. Gonna post now. :frustrated:

[aj]

Nice to see your voice again, bud. haven't heard your ramblings in way, way too long.

Sorry to hear about the problems with your gran...but don't underestimate the ol' gal just cause she's in the early stages of alzheimer's. She could still surprise you, i bet. One of my residents at work, who has fairly advanced dementia, looked at me the other day and asked me how my boyfriend was. I was very surprised...i asked her how she'd come to that conclusion and she told me was 87, not stupid. Of course, 15 minutes later she asked me if i had her mother's phone number, but it was a fairly amazing moment.

Mr Right isn't going to find you in your current situation, unless he has a CNA's license or something...and then you'd end up marrying the help, but what's a little gauche next to true love? Seriously though, while taking care of your gran, you need to get out and do things for yourself too. If you get exhausted and burned out, you won't be any good for her or yourself. So...go to that MCC church service, or gay bingo, or whatever other social outlet you feel attracted to and meet some people, you!

cheers!

aj

[blue]

thanks, aj. -- heh, no objections here to the medical types. ...lol, shoulda played doctor more as a kid... actually, I think I have a lot of room in that "who is my type" category. I have some idea of who and what fits "my type" but not sure. Figuring that out could be interesting.

I get what you mean though. Yeah, I'm going to have to find ways to give us both a break from each other. As good a relationship as we have, there are some basic differences there, and dang, I am not on the Golden Girls cast, y'know. A young guy wants to do young guy things. OK, so I'm nearly 40, young enough.

Ultimately, looking for someone to help her periodically. Even if she winds up moving in with me (which she doesn't want, fiercely independent) we'd need that when I work.

Yes, she's still mostly herself, which is good.

lol, good for that resident, and nice she noticed you had a bf.