Man arrested at Large Hadron Collider claims he's from the future

[JamesSavik]

Man arrested at Large Hadron Collider claims he's from the future

By Nick Hide

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A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

This isn't the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so "abhorrent" that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.

Professor Brian Cox, a former CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll TV scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. "Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn't mention bloody black holes."

Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled.

[DesDownunder]

We're all doomed, doomed I tell you...(again).

[The Pecman]

Didn't I see this episode on Fringe a few weeks ago?

[Cole Parker]

Eloi Cole?

First, he's positively no relation.

Second, I think this guy read way too much H. G. Wells, specifically The Time Machine.

C

[Merkin]

I thought the Swiss used that collider to make the holes in swiss cheese.

Besides, I'm pretty sure the Mountain Dew supply is located in our Yucca Mountain Repository.

James

[DesDownunder]

Eloi Cole?

First, he's positively no relation.

Second, I think this guy read way too much H. G. Wells, specifically The Time Machine.

C

I'm sure he is no relation to you Cole. I think they misreported his real name: E. Coli.