Sanataria Springs - by Dabeagle

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I finally got to read the story. Excellent story. I found myself laughing through most of it, loving the smart-aleck stuff. I am not that kind of guy, but I really enjoyed it.

The fun references to Brawny, Green Giant, Capt. Crunch, and Captain Caveman... lol, good.

The more serious parts, the team captains taking things way too far, the one guy bullying everyone he could, especially Sasha, handled very well.

This was almost purely characters. That includes the rusty car as a character. (I loved the first, "No. ...let my car rust you to death." line.)

Um, one very slight proofreading nitpick: Both times, it should be cue or cues, not queues. A queue is either a line to stand in or a braided ponytail. A cue is a signal or mark. -- There were also a could of times when "It" was used when you meant "I," and a couple of unexpected line/paragraph ends. -- I have done proofing professionally, so I tend to notice things like that. But please don't take those as negatives. I catch typos in my own work. Everyone does it.

Back in high school, I never in a million years would have expected a big, macho, muscley, deep voiced football player to be gay. But then, I assumed nearly *everybody* was straight, even if the rumors and some body language indicated they might not be. -- I might've guessed (or wondered) about Sasha, but not Alec.

I'm an idiot. I didn't see the inclusion of the sign on the door coming until there it was. Duh. Loved it though.

Buchanan, Bobby, the Jolly Green Giant / Capt. Crunch -- I liked the character's development a lot. -- My in-person reaction would tend to write off a guy like that as a jerk, instead of getting to know him, unless there was a reason to stick around and get to know him, such as seeing his less belligerent side in class. That could be a hook for the character in other stories.

This tells us a whole lot about the characters. Seeing these guys again could be neat. But we don't get a lot about the setting, the town and surroundings. For this story, though, it wasn't important. It works *very* well as a character-driven story.

Oh, and Alec's group of friends from before, I also liked them, they didn't come off as extras, but as minor characters.

I agree that the parents and coach come across as somewhat disconnected, but that is true to life. The coach overlooks it if the team's running OK or unless it becomes obvious, which it eventually does. The parents are good parents, but they're kind of in their own little world. Kudos that they are supportive and how they interact with him. Realistic. -- I feel it's entirely true to life that he would try his best to *hide* what's going on with him, and that his parents would not see the signs, or would not insist on finding out and acting on it. My own parents had to know there were things going on with me, yet like most teens, I said I was fine, it's OK, nothing's the matter, etc. ... when inside, I was very much not fine, and because one of the causes was being called gay and bullied for being so different (not just gay, either). That includes a few times I *should* have told things to my parents, but I didn't, and one case where I told a teacher, but backed down from telling about myself, because I was afraid it would get back to my parents somehow.

I know schools and admins (and sometimes parents) can turn a blind eye to things, problems, going on that ought to be addressed. Parents do that with their own kids at home, too. Why? Because they don't want to take responsibility and liability, or they are busy or they don't want to be bothered or whatever other poor excuse it is. Or it may be that they simply don't know what to do, so they do nothing. Or in some cases, they think the kid should "tough it out, be a man, stand up for himself." Or they may have moral compunctions, such as about being gay. -- I got the mixed messages about fighting, for instance; and a lot of subtle negative messages about being gay. Nothing outright, but not positive.

So I think the way it's handled in the story is quite possible, even probable.

[Cole Parker]

Dave: If we're to build off this story, which is a fine idea, would it be possible for you to construct a 'cheat sheet' for us? You know, something listing the characters you've given us with short profiles, a list of the sites you've created in the town with significant features, anything else that needs remembering so we don't fudge up the details too badly? It would make it easier than having to reread the piece over and over again to get these details for ourselves.

Please?

C

[Lugnutz]

I was using the town and one of the cast in my piece. It'll play a bit part. The rest is me.

[Lugnutz]

For giggles I did a Google search on Sanataria Springs and this story was in the middle of the first page.

[Camy]

I have a half finished Sanitaria Springs piece ... umm ... just thought you'd like to know.

[Lugnutz]

Been 6 months now, not that you're in any hurry.

[Cole Parker]

He's certainly racing right along. But then, quality takes time: just ask Michaelangelo, another famous slowpoke. Oh, wait a sec. Camy's English. Make that slowcoach.

C

[Lugnutz]

Problem is, with Camy's writing and being this long it will make ours look like a grade school kid threw it together.

[Cole Parker]

Speak for yourself.

C

[Lugnutz]

I am.

[colinian]

I'm about half finished writing a Sanataria Springs story.

Coln

[Camy]

He's certainly racing right along. But then, quality takes time: just ask Michaelangelo, another famous slowpoke. Oh, wait a sec. Camy's English. Make that slowcoach.

I'm about half finished writing a Sanataria Springs story.

See? I'm not the only slowcoach ... though I'm only a third of the way through.

[Cole Parker]

A race to the finish, and to the better man goes the spoils.

As I think both you guys have multiple stories going at once and deadlines on none, I can imagine this might take some time!

C

[Lugnutz]

Tic Tic Tic. Is this going to have a British flair or a "Dude" feel? Maybe I'll get off my arse and screw something else together.

[Camy]

Oh. Umm, well gosh. Nearly finished....

[Cole Parker]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[Lugnutz]

Can't rush perfection.

[Camy]

True.

[Cole Parker]

Ah, that's what we're waiting for!

[Lugnutz]

I'm starting one for the masses. We'll see where it goes.

[Cynus]

I have a piece coming in October. I'm excited to join the community.

[Guest RBartlett]

Wow. I haven't connected emotionally with a story in a long time. Thank you.

[Lugnutz]

Good things take time, right?