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Tragic Rabbit

The Untouched Boy by TR

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The Untouched Boy by TR

In History class, you sat beside me;

The untouched boy, long legs akimbo,

Hair silken against your collar and

Clever comments beneath your breath.

I never told you, never said a thing

But your low voice would give me shivers,

Would chill my flesh and warm my hearth

Until your words melted to murmurs.

My face said nothing, my lips said less

But your hand brushing against my skin

Would chase the Gilded Age and those

European wars clean out of my head.

I was a talker, a drama princess, but

Looking at you left me inarticulate

Longing for you left me short of breath

Listening for you left me deaf to the world.

I never told you that I wanted to touch you,

Needed your heartbeat under my fingertips,

To trace the pulse inside those tight jeans

And steal your breath between parted lips.

I?ve lost your name but recognize your scent

And well remember how you slouched in that desk,

Whispering to me while the Depression bloomed;

Grapes of Wrath, sweet on the vine, unpicked.

Among all the men I?ve known and forgotten

You shine like a bright bicentennial coin;

The History I best remember is what never was-

Me leaning over just once for your trembling kiss.

*

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Interesting. I rather like the ending, it is very much more personal than the rest. I also like the parallelism present in the first and last stanzas. It make sthe poem all more meaningful.

I also think the alliteration of the last three lines in the fourth stanza is quite nice, but the but is a little awkward in the second line of that same stanza. Perhaps some effort to make the beginning of each line in the fourth stanza alliterized (is this a word? it is now, i guess) would create a definitive line dividing the two halves of the poem and establishing more of a parallel effect without prodding the rest around so much.

The word bi-centennial is also awkward, i think. Maybe changing it to penny would keep a soft effect, and make the brightness of the boy seem warm also... hmmm, it is awkward, but belongs so much because the topic is a boy in history class, a US history calss, it seems.

Along with the seemingly awkward bicentennial in the fourth stanza, I believe that you could further establish some parallelism in a visual sense by shortening the last two lines. The third line could be shortened by removing is what and possibly playing with the syntax. The last line could be shortened by removing Me.

These are only observes, I know I can be quite offensive, but please try not to take it that way.

Hmmm, yes, indeed very interesting.

-Naiilo

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Interesting. I rather like the ending, it is very much more personal than the rest. I also like the parallelism present in the first and last stanzas. It make sthe poem all more meaningful.

I also think the alliteration of the last three lines in the fourth stanza is quite nice, but the but is a little awkward in the second line of that same stanza. Perhaps some effort to make the beginning of each line in the fourth stanza alliterized (is this a word? it is now, i guess) would create a definitive line dividing the two halves of the poem and establishing more of a parallel effect without prodding the rest around so much.

The word bi-centennial is also awkward, i think. Maybe changing it to penny would keep a soft effect, and make the brightness of the boy seem warm also... hmmm, it is awkward, but belongs so much because the topic is a boy in history class, a US history calss, it seems.

Along with the seemingly awkward bicentennial in the fourth stanza, I believe that you could further establish some parallelism in a visual sense by shortening the last two lines. The third line could be shortened by removing is what and possibly playing with the syntax. The last line could be shortened by removing Me.

These are only observes, I know I can be quite offensive, but please try not to take it that way.

Hmmm, yes, indeed very interesting.

-Naiilo

I'm going to be nice here but first I'd like to say that you were the one asking for style tips, not me. Not at all. Comments, yes. Since you did this, this time, here's my (secondary-my initial was digital) response:

1) I don't think parallel lines make anything at all more meaningful, they just sounded prettier in my head. And that's it. The last stanza is not more personal than the earlier ones. Not much is more personal than a physical response, when your breath catches just because someone you like is close-that's personal, baby. Words not said, things not done, those are personal ideas, especially when you are looking back...not necessarily regretfully, just thoughtfully. Enjoying the experience, maybe a trifle astonished that someone has remained so clear in a corner of your mind, someone not your lover. Maybe the not-lovers, the unkissed boys, are the ones best remembered anyhow.

2) 'but' is in the first line, not the second, and that's on purpose...and that's how I like it. I know that makes it jagged, I like jagged edges. I like pretty sounds. I never 'alliterize' on purpose, I write what I hear...and sometimes there's alliteration. Sometimes there's something else. I don't 'prod' anything around, I just write what I hear in my head. And I don't always want definitive lines, I don't always care for them in poetry OR prose, mine or someone else's. One reason I'm a fan of Gabe's stuff.

3) Bicentennial is the word I meant. It refers to 1976. There were commerative coins struck. A bicentennial coin is shiny, like the 1976 dollar in my jewelry box, because you don't use it, you save it. Also, it's something historical in History class. So I don't see how changing 'bicentennial' to 'penny' would be at all good (do you think 'bicentennial' means 'tuppence'?). The boy shines in my memory LIKE a shiny coin. If you don't like this line, fine, but I like it okay just as it is, thanks.

Don't you find it difficult always to be so correct, Professor Higgins?

4) I would change the meaning AND change what I heard in my head were I to make those changes and, further, I see no point. The last line is MEANT to be the way it is and there's nothing wrong with the syntax. It is deliberately not simple usage but it is correct usage...and even if it wasn't, it would still be what I want there. Removing 'me' would ruin the last line, in my opinion. And, as I say, I like the structure, the order of the words, in the second to last line. Of course, since you started out by saying you 'rather like the ending', this is all a bit...

5) It is difficult to take you as anything other than what you are, Dear Henry. Perhaps you could try another key?

And I have now written more words in a post than are contained in the poem it discusses.

TR

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