adverbial claptrap

[Camy]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English." In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v." During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

Plis injoi.

[DesDownunder]

It's a terrifying thought to think that Australia will be left as the only refuge of true English...well almost...some of the time, at least.

[Cole Parker]

I thought it had been many years since people in Australia spoke English.

C

[Engor]

It can't be correct and I'm fast coming to the conclusion that it has to be a rather large jest.

It has already happened! Don't you ever surf on the net?

English is going down the drain and I don't hear too many complaints except here.

[Engor]

Plis injoi.

Great piece Camy. It's worth the Oulipo's works and you shoul try for membership ;-)

[Cole Parker]

I get some, not a lot but some, emails from teenagers. It's becoming normal for the messages to be written in texting format. They abbreviate things, sometimes many-word things, with letters. I never know what the letters mean. They write single sentence messages conveying thoughts that should be broken into several sentences. Their brevity may well speak for how their minds now work: too short, too unfocused, too hurried. I can see their language skills diminishing before my eyes.

The computer age is part and parcel of what's ruining our language. Well, that and those pestiferous Brits who insist on doing it their way.

C

[Merkin]

Our written language has never stood still, and if you look at text from a hundred years ago some of it may seem like a foreign tongue. The current rate of change, however, makes the head spin.

[Engor]

Hey guys. It's a hoax. Must have been written on April 1rst.

[Cole Parker]

Oh, that was obvious. I think we're talking about legitimate changes that have been occuring. They are astonishing. Our kids have never spoken the same language we do, but today, they're not writing it, either.

[The Pecman]

I get some, not a lot but some, emails from teenagers. It's becoming normal for the messages to be written in texting format. They abbreviate things, sometimes many-word things, with letters. I never know what the letters mean.

wht ru sayng? CU L8r!

[DesDownunder]

I fear Shakespeare being translated into text speak

2 B or not 2 B

That's the Q.

etc.