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Tragic Rabbit

The Angel-new AD serialized story

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I love this story, the Angels are wonderful and the storytelling excellent. I hope you'll check it out, linked front page center.

Kisses...

TR

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Thanks EleCivil and TR, it's so great to hear back from readers who liked it.

Ironically, I actually kind of hate the frist few chapters of The Angel. Some day I'm going to go back and re-write them. But, if you liked these four chapters, you'll like the next 21 even more!

Take care and I hope you keep enjoying the rest of the Angel, as well as the other great stories on AD.

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I have to agree with the author here and say that these first four chappies are rather poorly written. This is more from the style of its writing. For example the constant stat descriptions of each character, not only on their introductions but also throughout the chapters....as in ''Jeff was 5ft 11, muscular with brown hair....'' ''Drew...had sandy blond hair, green eyes and stood only 5ft 8...''...''Catching his reflection....he admired his 6ft muscular, eighteen year old frame and tanned...''

This I find to be rather jarring and a poor way of describing characters. This sort of thing occurs all of the way through the text...''flashing straight white teeth''....''hurling his 180lb frame''...''the beast paused, crouching on his muscular abs''

This style makes for a poorly written attempt at describing the appearance of characters as well as trying too hard in telling the reader how good looking they are.

However, the redeeming feature of the story is its plot, which admittedly draws the reader in. The author is not revealing every aspect of the story straight away but is allowing it to be pieced together bit by bit. Each chapter we are learning something exciting and new. The action is fast paced and is described with good detail. I am indeed looking forward to the next chapter.

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I have to agree with the author here and say that these first four chappies are rather poorly written.

Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us. And you are?

Interesting first AD post...

TR

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I have to agree with the author here and say that these first four chappies are rather poorly written. This is more from the style of its writing. For example the constant stat descriptions of each character, not only on their introductions but also throughout the chapters....

This I find to be rather jarring and a poor way of describing characters.

This style makes for a poorly written attempt at describing the appearance of characters as well as trying too hard in telling the reader how good looking they are.

Hey Nathan,

I couldn't have said it better. Every time I read the first few chapters, I can't help but wince at it. I don't really have any excuse except that I was 16 when I wrote those chapters and frankly when it started, the Angel was going to be an 8 chapter story with much more sex... I just sort of decided I didn't want to write just another porno story, and I just kind of got attached to the characters and felt they deserved better. And now you can see the result of a (as yet) 25 chapter story where the first sexual encounter between two people doesnt happen until chapter 21.

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Josiah, he could have said it a LOT better. He's not a writer and that's not a nice way to phrase your first AD post.

My serialized story started out that way, too, with me not sure what was expected or required from a Nifty story, and then later realizing I could have less sex, more plot, characterization and romance. Anyone who's tried writing one, for their first attempt and from the Nifty perspective, would likely have the same transformation as they learn what is appreciated by readers. Moving over to Awesome Dude also helps, you get feedback on things that have little or no sex, feedback on your writing itself and the skills you're acquiring while doing so. I started writing a year ago, with the first chapter of Drama Club, and when I finally do a rewrite of the whole thing, it's those first chapters that probably need to most overhaul. You learn a lot but you learn by doing, not by critiquing someone else's efforts from the sidelines. That's not learning and that's not helpful for anyone, in my opinion.

Don't take this guy too much to heart, Josiah. I love your story...and I've read a lot more than he has.

Kisses...

TR

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Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us. And you are?

Interesting first AD post...

I did not realise that you had to be known to have an opinion on stories hosted on this site. I apologise for giving my honest opinion.

ArchangelMatthew72 I am sorry for my first post. I just read it back and realised how it may well have come across. The bones of it...I am enjoying your story and am indeed looking forward to the rest of it. As I have said, the plot is wonderful and intiguing. No offense was meant.

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Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us. And you are?

Interesting first AD post...

I did not realise that you had to be known to have an opinion on stories hosted on this site. I apologise for giving my honest opinion.

When you first enter a house, is your first instinct to criticize or be rude? Mother always said that first impressions are the most important and lasting so, since you are not known, this is the first and only impression you've left us with.

Honesty is, they say, a dying art but one more often appreciated in the breach than in the observance.

TR

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Josiah, he could have said it a LOT better. He's not a writer and that's not a nice way to phrase your first AD post.

My serialized story started out that way, too, with me not sure what was expected or required from a Nifty story, and then later realizing I could have less sex, more plot, characterization and romance. Anyone who's tried writing one, for their first attempt and from the Nifty perspective, would likely have the same transformation as they learn what is appreciated by readers. Moving over to Awesome Dude also helps, you get feedback on things that have little or no sex, feedback on your writing itself and the skills you're acquiring while doing so. I started writing a year ago, with the first chapter of Drama Club, and when I finally do a rewrite of the whole thing, it's those first chapters that probably need to most overhaul. You learn a lot but you learn by doing, not by critiquing someone else's efforts from the sidelines. That's not learning and that's not helpful for anyone, in my opinion.

Don't take this guy too much to heart, Josiah. I love your story...and I've read a lot more than he has.

Kisses...

TR

Oh, don't get me wrong here. By no means do i think he put it nicely. But he did put it bluntly and truthfully. He's just expressing his opinion and I'm perfectly ok with that. He's not just making nasty comments if I read it correctly, just trying to make helpful comments about the writing of it. He probably didn't know the whole history of the story or how long it's been running now.

As for learning, yes we all can learn on our own and from our own mistakes and discoveries, but there's no harm in a little useful criticism. If it was intended as a nasty comment, it would be the fifth I've recieved since starting the Angel, and that's out of the several hundred emails I've had about it so far. I happen to have this useful little trait of when someone criticises me, I give them the finger and carry on how I think is best... it doesnt always work out, but if anything I'm a stubourn bastard. lol.

Take in mind though TR that just because he's not a writer on this site doesn't mean he isn't a writer. Critiquing someone else's writing can actually be helpful to both reader and writer. The reader learns what they find to be poorly written and so learn not to write like that, and from their comments, the writer can learn that maybe other styles are better put to use in certain situations.

Thank you for defending me and my story TR, but you have to let people express their own opinions. It doesnt hurt anyone by letting them. Also, I'm glad you like my story, lol. it would kind of suck if the moderator didn't like my story. haha.

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I did not realise that you had to be known to have an opinion on stories hosted on this site. I apologise for giving my honest opinion.

When you first enter a house, is your first instinct to criticize or be rude? Mother always said that first impressions are the most important and lasting so, since you are not known, this is the first and only impression you've left us with.

Honesty is, they say, a dying art but one more often appreciated in the breach than in the observance.

TR

Maybe I'm just weird, but I kind of appreciated his brutal honesty. It may not have been tactful, but when I'm talking to people I'd much rather know what they really think than have them be polite to me while lying and then go off and laugh or something. This is hardly a house either. One of the wonders of the internet is that it lifts all social constraints from people. No matter who you are, age, gender, what sexual preference, everyone can talk to anyone else without having to worry about tiptoeing around on eggshells.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that he's said he liked my story and said it has a good plot. So far he's only agreed with my own feelings about the first few chapters, so I don't mind. Now, if he starts tearing apart chapter 22 or 23 I'll have to kill him.... (jk. lol)

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Wait, wait! Hang on a sec! I hold up my hands and say that my first post was indeed wrongly put! I did not mean to intentionally offend in the slightest though. I thought I was writing some constructive crit but it has indeed come across in a bad bad way! For this, I apologise! I am not a troublemaker and have no intention in being construde as such. I joined awesomedude to read some good stories and have not been disappointed at all. I may have not posted on this site before but it just so happened that today I chose to, and it just so happened that this was the story I chose to read on this day and actually review! I do NOT know the history of this story and do NOT know how long it had been in progress!

Again, I really apologise to the writer. As I have said, I am enjoying your story and I am looking forward to the next chappie.

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Wait, wait! Hang on a sec! I hold up my hands and say that my first post was indeed wrongly put! I did not mean to intentionally offend in the slightest though. I thought I was writing some constructive crit but it has indeed come across in a bad bad way! For this, I apologise! I am not a troublemaker and have no intention in being construde as such. I joined awesomedude to read some good stories and have not been disappointed at all. I may have not posted on this site before but it just so happened that today I chose to, and it just so happened that this was the story I chose to read on this day and actually review! I do NOT know the history of this story and do NOT know how long it had been in progress!

Again, I really apologise to the writer. As I have said, I am enjoying your story and I am looking forward to the next chappie.

And as I have said, I didn't take any offense from your first comment. I don't think it came across in a bad way, not to me at any rate. Frankly I think the whole thing has been blown out of proportion now and people need to calm down. I don't think you're a trouble maker either, for what it's worth. I'm honoured that my story was the first that got you to comment, and I fully respect your view (which I happen to share) of my first few chapters.

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It's divurging from what should be the real topic of this thread, but there is an essay written by Jamie on the subject of criticism for authors available on this site which I found quite interesting.

In a subsequent email exchange, he indicated that he was also going to do one for readers, but I haven't seen anything yet *hint, hint Jamie :-D *

Different authors handle and expect different things as far as criticism is concerned. Like ArchangelMatthew72, I'm quite happy to take an honest, if blunt, critique of one of my stories, because I can see what they are trying to say. The message, to me, is often more important than the delivery. However, even so we are dealing with real people on both sides of the communication. They all have feelings and different people react in different ways to perceive criticism. As TR indicated, it is polite to work out what level and type of comment an author is happy to receive. The times I've pointed out problems to an author have been to either people who have solicited for my opinion (silly people...) or I feel confident enough that they will take my comments in the vein intended.

And for the record, my first chapter of New Brother suffers from the exact same problem -- too heavy on descriptions/introductions and not enough on plot. It seems to be a common issue for new authors.

Graeme

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OK.... all is cool. Frankly, my comments about criticism in this week's News & Views column were prompted by -if not aimed at- Nathan's seemingly critical first post in this thread.

While we invite folks to comment on the stories at AD, we aren't just fishing for compliments for our authors, that's for sure. By the time somebody makes it to the pages of AwesomeDude that author has to have either produced a completed story of excellence or have shown exceptional potential in a currently serialized story. Our criteria in a nutshell... sure there are other factors, but that is the bottom line.

We used to have a New Writers Series but it has fallen by the wayside a couple of times as it seemed to 'categorize' writers into beginner or advanced, which I felt is a kind of discrimination.

As many of our authors came to AwesomeDude that way everyone here more or less accepts the role of being somewhere on that learning curve as a writer. Our group of writers, editors, and englightened readers serve as a nurturing environment for that. But it is not by praise alone that we learn. I well know that from my efforts at becoming a webmaster/designer over the past 16 months or so.

Anyway, lots of people are sensitive about their creative endeavors, so lets just all keep that in mind. If we keep it positive by pointing out what we think might have made a story or chapter or passage better instead of 'it sucked because...." it will be much more effective.

I also thank Tragic Rabbit for jumping in and doing his job as Moderator of this thread as well as Story Editor for AwesomeDude. He is the perfect example of how someone with exceptional potential can learn and grow in a friendly, encouraging environment like we try to provide at AwesomeDude.

Nathan, glad to have you aboard here and I agree with you that The Angel is really good and worth following.

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Thanks for the reminder about the essay on criticism for READERS Graeme. I've been working on some other projects lately, but maybe it's time I put pen to paper and punch it out.

A little piece on reader etiquette when it comes to criticism sounds good right about now.

I know for a fact that most of us don't shy away from criticism or are not afraid of it, but there are positive and negative ways to make a criticism.

I think the above exchange proves that. Nathen I don't think you meant to be mean... but it sure came off that way. Please don't be offended yourself by all of this, just remember when you start to take a wack at someone's work it IS their baby, so be honest but not brutal. And Josiah I must say that you handled this WAYYYYYY better then I probably would have. You displayed a lot of maturity and poise.

Wow, and TR came rushing out of the corner like a fighting tiger hehe. Damn TR I want you on my side the next time I'm in a street fight!!! Those bunny claws are sharper then I thought!

By the way Josiah, for a first story started by a 16 year old, I think you've done an excellent job. Of course as you have matured and have written more you look back and see things you might want to change a few years later... welcome to the club. As TR said... we've all been there. But remember that's what re-writes are all about... we've all done those too.

Now everyone, fight NICELY and lets turn the thread back to Josiah and the actual story he wrote.

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What Bill said - Ditto!

...and one thing I was not clear on: age is no reflection of skill OR maturity. Like Bill I re-evaluate my work every year or so and sometimes I just cringe... but it's all about "becoming"

...so keep writing.

Jamie

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Just to say joey, I'm really proud of you. Always said you were talented   :D  hope your results will prove it too xxx xxx xxx xxx

Shit... I'm so starting to freak out about my results now... If I failed, I'm gonna be buggered for colleges. I hate that I forgot to give you a letter so you could pick mine up for me and tell me. Maybe I should just like... put you on my school file as my emergency contact or something. lol.

I love you, and I'll be back soon. Take care and at least try to have fun over the next 3 days while waiting for me...

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I am trying to read all of the stories here- between life and writing stories of my own- the time is precious.

I just wanted to bump this thread and let ArchangelMatthew72 know how much I'm enjoying it.

:angel4:

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I am trying to read all of the stories here- between life and writing stories of my own- the time is precious.

I just wanted to bump this thread and let ArchangelMatthew72 know how much I'm enjoying it.

:angel4:

Aww, thanks! I realise there are still quite a few mistakes in some of the chapters that have managed to elude me. And that the first few chapters pretty much suck. haha. But thanks, I appreciate it. It's been really fun for me to write over the past twenty two months.

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