Satire Wire - news with a twist

[Nigel Gordon]

Having considered the possibilities I have come to suspect that any possible translocation of Australia may be a pre-emptive move on its part to place itself in a position to bid for the vacant place in the EU if the idiots over here vote to pull out.

[Merkin]

Three possible unforeseen outcomes for Australia should it succeed in shifting into the north Atlantic: (1) the reversal in coriolis effect will screw up Aussie plumbing and create booking logjams for plumbers as well as innumerable emergency room visits from do-it-yourselfers attempting repairs, (2) the northern hemisphere sky will induce a lengthy and divisive battle over redesign of the Aussie flag, and (3) Foster’s will be forced to compete with real beers for market share and suffer bankruptcy and eventual failure, resulting in a warehousing nightmare for its abandoned product.

[Cole Parker]

It is the size that matters!

I never would have guess Nigel to be a size queen. The stuff you learn in the forums!

C

[Cole Parker]

It is not the number of earthquakes you have that is important, it is the size of them.

Right now, seismologists are predicting a huge one for Southern California. They are detecting enormous pressure in the plates far below us and say it's just a matter of time. We haven't had a really big one for many years. Talk about sitting on a time bomb!

C

[DesDownunder]

I'm halfway around the world in Australia and I haven't had a big one since they stopped making the xxx large size condoms.

[colinian]

Right now, seismologists are predicting a huge one for Southern California. They are detecting enormous pressure in the plates far below us and say it's just a matter of time. We haven't had a really big one for many years. Talk about sitting on a time bomb!

C

And Yuma is going to be a seaside town.

The problem with the earthquakes in Oklahoma isn't the number of small one, it's that stronger quakes are happening more often and are becoming stronger.

Colin

[ChrisR]

And Yuma is going to be a seaside town.

Colin

Yes it is. But remember that when the big one hits, everything east of the Sierra Nevada will fall into the Atlantic, so Yuma will be the port of entry for the re-positioned Australia. That's Tectonics, baby!

[colinian]

Yes it is. But remember that when the big one hits, everything east of the Sierra Nevada will fall into the Atlantic, so Yuma will be the port of entry for the re-positioned Australia. That's Tectonics, baby!

Bye, bye!

Colin

[Cole Parker]

You guys are catastrophists.

[Nigel Gordon]

Yes it is. But remember that when the big one hits, everything east of the Sierra Nevada will fall into the Atlantic, so Yuma will be the port of entry for the re-positioned Australia. That's Tectonics, baby!

My USA geography is not what it should be. Does that mean you loose the Bible Belt?

[ChrisR]

My USA geography is not what it should be. Does that mean you loose the Bible Belt?

Would that be as in "Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war!" or would we merely misplace the belt? Either way could be rather interesting.

[Alien Son]

My USA geography is not what it should be. Does that mean you loose the Bible Belt?

Nigel, did you mean "lose" or "loose"?

[Nigel Gordon]

Sorry should be lose.

[colinian]

Actually, "loose" is an appropriate choice of words; it can be a verb and it would be nice if those straight-laced fundamentalists had someone loose their Bible Belts and let their knickers hang just a bit looser.

Colin

[Nigel Gordon]

Actually, "loose" is an appropriate choice of words; it can be a verb and it would be nice if those straight-laced fundamentalists had someone loose their Bible Belts and let their knickers hang just a bit looser.

Colin

I'm not sure I want to think about their knickers!

[ChrisR]

Okay, I admit that I originally thought this whole notion of a relocated Australia was just for fun, but it turns out IT'S FOR REAL!

http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-36912700

Yikes!

[Nigel Gordon]

Okay, I admit that I originally thought this whole notion of a relocated Australia was just for fun, but it turns out IT'S FOR REAL!

http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-36912700

Yikes!

Yes, the bit that they did not publish was the fact that not only is it moving north but the rate of that movement is actually increasing.

[DesDownunder]

I would have thought "loose" in that context should have been "loosen," but I'd personally prefer to tighten the noose around the Bible belt and drag it off the planet to somewhere it can do no further harm.

[Nigel Gordon]

I would have thought "loose" in that context should have been "loosen," but I'd personally prefer to tighten the noose around the Bible belt and drag it off the planet to somewhere it can do no further harm.

​I am sure there is something in the Intergalactic Convention on Co-existence of Intelligent Species which would prohibit any such course of action. Surely it comes under the section of causing or allowing to be caused dangerous pollution which might result in harm to Intelligent Species. It is the same section that has resulted in the no fly zone round this section of the galaxy and the notice boards placed around the outer extremes of the Ort cloud that read "Danger Humans"!

[colinian]

It's that frikin' Trans-Galactic Freeway off-ramp and tollgate with a tollbooth they're planning on finishing in 2308. And you thought the highway builders were slow here on earth!

Colin