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International Relations in the Video Store



Like all good video stores we have members who insist on showing us how well they can scratch the DVDs.

I have wondered if the opposition actually pays people to borrow from us and use the discs as Frisbees for the dog.

Off course it is likely in our rich area (where the shop is, not where we live, we live in the slums on the other side of town; (of course, we are poor white gay males in case you hadn't guessed)), anyway as I was saying, it is likely that these rich folk don't even know what a DVD does, they think it is pretty silver flat plate for serving the hors d'oeuvres, which my father always called "horse doovers," but that is beside the point.

What led me to thinking this, was the disc that was returned today covered in spaghetti and the remains of either a pizza or someone's stomach contents, or both. The amazing thing was, that after I washed the disc there were no scratches on it -not a one. Perhaps spaghetti vomit is an excellent DVD polisher. Yes? No? Damn, that is going to take quite a bit of research.

Unlike many stores we don't limit our customers to the nearby suburbs. We rent to anyone from anywhere. We even have a couple of members in the US. They visit Addle-aid every year on business or to see relatives, probably to make sure they are still alive. (It is hard to tell if Adelaidians are alive without actually watching them move about the room.)

Anyway one of our US members walks in and in that delightful American drawl, announces that he remembered to pack his membership caahd!

"Ah just had to borrow some more of your Aussie dinkum movies. Did I say that right?" he asks.

"Not quite," I tell him, "the phrase is, "fair dinkum Aussie," not Aussie dinkum, but it's okay, we get what you mean."

"Fair dinkum Aussie," he repeats, "Got it!" And he wanders off to make his selection.

Shortly after and while he is still in the store, another visitor, this time from interstate walks in and wants to know if he can borrow a DVD. I check out his driver's licence and he is from a Sydney suburb. He has that typical golden surfer boy look that is so common in Sydney, and I checkout more than his licence, until his friend (another sun-tanned beauty), yells out to him, "Hey they got fag movies in here."

Together the two of them descend on the Gay and Lesbian movie section and guffaw loudly at the advertising slicks on the DVD boxes.

One of our regular customers overhears these two and comes over to the counter and asks me if I would like him to throw the two guys out of the shop.

I tell him no, because if they keep looking at the Gay films they might ask me if I know anything about them and I can offer to show them in the store room. The customer bursts out laughing, which causes the now unusually large number of foreign looking customers to look at him.

Suddenly I realise what has happened. It is raining outside and the visitors to the state who have come to see our world famous (yeah right) car race have all decided to get a movie for the night.

"Do ya have any racing movies?" asks a dark skinned Latin, petrol head from South America.

"Have you seen Fast and Furious?" I ask him.

"Is it good?" he wants to know.

"Sure, I say, "It's just like my sex life." hint, hint.

"You Aussie peoples are so funny," he answers with a wink. (He winked at me! Yes! and it was all I could do to restrain myself from jumping over the counter and letting him have his way with me, but I restrained myself. I pointed to the action/thrills section which was alongside the gay section still being examined by the two surfer boys from New South Wales.

There are moments in the life of a video store that brighten the owner's day. The following is one or two of such instances of opportunity that presented themselves.

A middle aged couple, obviously from out of town because they were of good humour, approached the counter, where the woman asked in a loud clear voice, "Can I join with my husband?"

I looked over the top of my glasses at her and said just as loudly, "Well we don't usually allow that sort of thing in the store."

There was a deathly silence for a few seconds until her husband began laughing, the American guy went into hysterical guffaws, only to be joined by everyone else in the store.

"Oh," said the woman after stopping her own laughter, "I just have to be a member of this store."

I smiled and said in my most polite voice, "Of course you do, madam." She giggled.

The two lads fingering through the gay selection were also laughing and chatting with the hot Latin looking guy.

The Latin guy had decided to watch the Fast and Furious movie, and placed the box on the counter. I got his DVD for him, but when I returned to the counter, the two bronzed surfer types have also placed not one, but two gay movies on the counter.

The Latin guy tells me he will pay for them all, and the two lads' bronzed faces are blushing red. They leave together to research what I suspect (hope) will be fast and furious international gay relationships. Who knew?

I just hope they don't scratch the DVDs in the process.

What a day. :icon11:

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