Have you ever noticed the seeming preoccupation French movies have with sex and food? Every time a new French movie comes into the video store, we get heaps of questions about if there is food in it? You'll notice no one asks, "Is there sex in it?" Well it's French so of course there is sex in it, seems to be taken for granted. But it's the movies with sex and food that seem to do the best business.
Now I don't mean to single out the French, but it does seem their movies are the most likely to comply with the sex and food content, although I do think the Italians serve up a fair amount of sex with their noodles. And of course there's the gay movie Eating Out amongst others.
That brings me to consider the seductive attributes of the texture of many foods. I mean pasta itself is just oozing with slippery morsels writhing in freshly warmed sauces as your utensil swirls them around on the plate. Haven't you ever thought of just grabbing a handful or two of the luscious noodles and rubbing them all over your prime ribs? A kind of alimental pasta.
For starters of course there is soup du jour, soup of the day, for you uncouth hamburger munchers. What better way to seduce a lover than with a thick cream of celery soup or even potato and leek. Hmm that sounds like a guy I knew several times.
Anyway I thought I should pass on few culinary hints to assist you all to enjoy the art of food and sex. You see there is more to seduction over a meal than just with a bottle of good wine.
Each item on the menu should suggest the never-ending possibilities of the debauchery to follow the main course. Think of these tempting dishes.
Standard oysters au naturel should send the appropriate signals for starters, (If you can get him to dine au naturel, you may be able to forget dinner altogether,) followed by a main course, some of which I mention here:
Twin Hot dogs in white sauce.
Roast stuffed chicken or chicken vol-au-vent.
Rump steak, or T-bones, medium rare.
Chunky meatloaf surrounded by an array of delicate baby peas, whole miniature carrots and cauliflower smothered in cheese sauce.
If you manage to serve a desert than you can be reasonably certain that you have either failed as a seductive cook or your dinner companion is as thick as a brick. Not to worry, a double layer cream sponge covered in caramel sauce and decorated with pink icing hearts served with flaming brandy around the edge of the plate, usually sends the right signals, provided it doesn't set the house on fire instead of him.
Coffee with a flute of French Cognac should serve to make sure that he has to stay the night. Can't have him driving home under the influence, after all you want him under your influence, or you under his. Either way one of you should be grilled lightly until done.
Of course if you are both so hyped up you can't sleep, you should offer a relaxing massage. Now the best massage oil is sesame oil, the same sesame oil that you used to fry the rice, very sensual and edible.
In the morning you look at him sleeping there alongside you with only an empty bottle of sesame oil between you. He awakens, he looks at you and wants more. Damn, you've used up all the lubricants you had in the house.
But wait there is an answer. Breakfast.
The kitchen is a source of wonders to behold, and so you cook two big bowls of fine-ground oatmeal.
You serve them in bed and as you do so, you accidentally spill some onto his abs. Quickly you wipe the oatmeal up with your fingers noticing how very slippery freshly cooked oatmeal is...and its warm too...
What's for lunch? Maybe the guy next door would like to help make a banana sandwich.
(Please observe all precautions for safe eating.)