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I am surprised that crying is the most difficult matter for me to write about. If you’ve read any of my entries, you know that writing about death, sex, and love are pretty easy for me. When you’re wounded as a kid, you become very careful about crying.

When I was fifteen, Tyler cried once when we were together after an afternoon of instructing each other on the finer points of fellatio. His tears, I learned, weren't the result of the lessons. Tyler was fifteen and overwhelmed by confusion about love and sex. I wasn't confused about sex, but had my own issues to cry about. I was stunned and pleased that he trusted me that much.

He was embarrassed and worried that he had given me power because he thought that, in crying with me, he appeared weak. When much younger, I had learned a lesson that I have fortunately replaced, that I should avoid tears altogether. I think I was worried that if I started, I could never stop.

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I could write a lot on the subject of crying. My other posts do cover it, but obliquely. As a kid, I hated getting teased and being so sensitive about it all. I developed a shell, a brick wall, a suit of armor. I still showed my emotions. But some things, I didn't show to anyone else publicly. A lot of letting out anger, fear, sadness alone, in private,with no one else there. Crying can be OK in private, as can fear or anger, but crying in particular...I think we *need* to be able to cry around someone else, who will be there for us, or hold us, or comfort us in other ways.

I am grateful that I didn't grow up thinking I *had* to hide all my emotions to be "manly." My dad grew up stoic. He had deep feelings, but you had to know him to know what he was feeling. He was, however, the kind of man who didn't want his son to grow up that way. He was mostly a good dad, and for that, I'm very grateful.

Um, and Tyler sounds like a great guy. Good friend to have, at 15 or whenever. :)

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