DarkShadow
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Since seeing this first bit I went ahead and looked for more. It's not amazing to me how much hate and ignorance is out there.
I suppose my only wish for these fools, is that they end up living in the exact world they wish to create.
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Robb usually updates the stories on Saturday's, so you may have caught him during that time.
Jan
Exactly... and.... if I don't get my butt in gear and get something to him soon heh he'll probably think I've reverted to another hiatus! That is one thing I do like about that place though. They never push for more chapters. He just posts them as they come without complaint.
(shameless plug)
For those of you following the Midnight's Rainbow Series... another chapter of The Druid will be out soon and can be found there. Of course... you could have found it here heheh but I've not received a reply to my latest email (sent Jan 1) request for hosting (poke poke)
Then again with so many wonderful stories and authors here, I'm sure my scribbles won't be missed.
Either way as was stated earlier... I wager that you just caught them during maintenance or an update. Everything was up and running properly just moments ago.
Take care!
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Adieu
by Camy
If there is a point to all of this it's slipped me by
We're born, sleep a lot, make love, wither, die
Lessons we learn, trials we suffer through
Covered with sod or burnt, it is adieu
I strive to make a difference, yearn to carve my mark
Battle genetics daily to change apathy to spark
Yet if there is a point I'm afraid I don't see it now
Prithee tell me, I will be remembered how?
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In one of my chapters I recently wrote:
Long ago, I learned that life on this rock is little more than one distraction after the next, interrupted by the odd obsession and occasional sorrow.
To expand on that I suppose I should add ;)
Life is also the lessons we teach by our actions, and the lessons we learn from the fall out of other people's decisions.
I know you weren't searching for an answer to your poem. It's beautiful by the way... but the sentiment seemed appropriate and I thought I would post it.
Take care!
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I've found it much easier to navigate on the West Coast and in the Mid-West than it is on the East Coast, we have too many old roads and hills. Newer cities and towns setup like grids are so much easier to navigate.
I suppose that's why I love the town I live in here in Florida. The town is quartered NW, NE, SW, SE. Each street and avenue has a number. If you've got an address.... unless you're just mentally defective... you can find your destination by following the progression of numbers.
Cities that have only names of streets or a combination, are a complete enigma and must be learned by process of elimination (ie Louisville, KY) . It would be different if street names were in alphabetic order, but it's all ad hock. I sometimes wonder if this is an attempt to keep outsiders away. It's crazy, non productive, and I think an added complexity that should not exist save for the simple fact that 'simple reason' has been replaced by public relations bullcrap.
How in the hell does someone explain that to find 'wherever' they need to go down 17th until they hit Muhammid Ali Blvd, then take a left on 10th (it's a one way) and stop right before Broadway, and that if they go to Main or Magnolia, they've gone too far.
I now totally understand and appreciate the need for GPS and the gizmos that guide us to our destination.
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Hmmm ZEN and the art of navigation: I am at one with the road. The road and I are one. om,
Now where the *&@%! am I?
Ohmmmmm... oh hell no! That asshole just cut me off! WHOOPS! That's a lady... woofty! Two bagger, thank you come again!
Actually I was referring to when I know the general lay out of a town, and just meander down roads I've never traveled, but know... in general I'm going the right direction... kind of. lol Eventually I get to where I want to be, and I might just happen across a kick ass yard sale!
:)
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I figured I would toss in my two cents here. (at this rate I'm going to be out of change in no time)
If you enjoy writing, and you want to tell the story creeping around in your mind, by all means do it!
I couldn't help wondering after reading what you had here... okay... what's his name... the protagonist and the object of his desire. What's he look like? What class is he in? (heheh does he even care that he's totally not paying attention to anything but the guy across the room?... or .... can he even help it!?)
These are GOOD things... it will make the reader want to continue in hopes of finding those answers. There are always style issues, and your style will evolve as you progress. However, none of this will happen if you don't continue! Don't let what some people think shade your motivation to keep on working at it, if this is something that you find you enjoy!
You will have some people tell you that there are certain rules that you must follow. Well... that's utter BULLCRAP! Yes...there are some things that you should try to follow so that there is ease of reading. If someone has to work too hard to read your work, they may give up. That isn't the case here, but I figured I'd better say it before someone else chimed in. Some people are so petty that they won't even read a story if it is spaced traditionally with two spaces after a period. Well... for decades that was the practice, and people still managed, but today, there are those that simply won't yield unless you cater to their preconceived notions. Don't make their handicaps yours. I'm sure the spacing of sentences wasn't a factor for those that enjoyed such stories as 'The Grapes of Wrath', 'Wuthering Heights', or 'Romeo and Juliet'. 'Screw 'em!' I guess my point is this... don't obsess on the rules. It'll come with practice, experience, and time.
I suppose that my best advice is this. READ! There are so many things that can be learned just from reading a story you enjoy.
The second best advice I could give would be to get a good editor. You'll learn mountains from them if you pay any attention at all. Even now I have a list of my common mistakes that I review before shipping off a chapter to my editor. Then again... I also have a list of rules I have set for myself personally that really have nothing to do with proper punctuation or grammar. (ie NO adverbs!) This is my own rule... no one elses lol I impose it upon myself because it's a personal taste.
In one book, I completely eliminated the use of the word 'said' in all dialogue. This was a practice to force myself to 'show' vs 'tell' when I was writing. It was a challenge, but it was a lot of fun too!
There will be people who don't like your story, and there will people that love it. It's no different than someone liking liver and another one gagging at the thought of it. Everyone has their own personal preference.
One warning before I quit rambling. If you should ever get a negative review, wait a day before replying. Read what they have said, and try to objectively discern if they are being constructive... or just being an asshole. If Senior Assmaster is being that... an ass.... thank him for reading in a reply and continue on about your day. Don't let it get to you. If someone is being a jerk, then realize it for what it is and don't give it any merit.
If on the other hand, you find that what they are saying may be true... think on it and decide if you would or wouldn't like to change to improve what they are pointing out. A good or bad review should NEVER be personal, and I hope that you never take one that way. It's so easy to miss things when we 'as writers' know exactly what we mean, and the reader comes across baffled and asked questions we think should be completely obvious.
Well... enough of this I guess... I need to get to work on another chapter. Take care and please continue!
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It cracks me up what money is spent on for research these days.
I am the designated navigator most times. Be it a brand new city, or out in the boon docks I generally find my way. I call it ZEN driving. I know what direction I want to go, and one way or another, I'll get there.
In heavy traffic with 8 and 10 lane traffic I have never had problems with knowing far in advance which lane I should be in so that I can make the appropriate exit.
Now... this does NOT mean I have never been lost. Strangely enough... I'm one of the first people (even if I think I'm on the right track) to stop and ask 'Where the hell am I?!'
I don't think this is so much a gender specific issue, as it is a 'who hates to drive the most' issue lol It's not as easy for the driver to pay attention to every little sign when they are trying to keep from ramming into another car. The navigator doesn't have that worry, though I've slammed my foot on the floorboard many times where a brake pedal SHOULD have been!
I spent many years in large city rush hour traffic and have little trouble getting where I need to go. The rules are the same, it's just a new set of idiots on the road usually ;)
Eventually traveling in larger cities, knowing which lane to be in when your exit is coming up becomes second nature even if you've never been there before. Mile markers are a wonderful thing :)
Well that's my two cents ;)
Take care!
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Thanks all! I thought this might be he place to ask and I'm glad there are so many willing to help. I like the idea of placing a person's name in place of the pronoun. It seems to help me when I read it aloud so that I can inflect whatever emotion that applies in the context of the writing.
Much appreciated!
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Only....
This seems to be my biggest torment to my editor and to myself. How and when do you know the placement?
For instance....
If I had only known....
If only I had known....
Now I figure the first is correct, but for some reason, as I write, I seem to place 'only' in the wrong place.
I am sure it drives my editor up the wall (well he tells me it does so I know for fact that it works his nerves)
Is there a simple way of knowing when and where to place the abstract word 'only'?
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Simile and Metaphor
How do you know which to use......
For instance...
The pyre lit his face like the flashes of a 4th of July celebration.
Flashes of color painted his face as fiery tongues stretched toward the sky.
Now I wager either can be used, but I wonder which is actually appropriate or proper.
It's these little things that drive me insane as I write.... any help would be appreciated.
Thanks!
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Hey- no religious debates! You gotta be careful these days or some Linux guy with a turban is gonna show up and blow us all up.
LONG LIVE THE PENGUIN!!!!
Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye-aye
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Some days I'm feeling more combatant than others, so it often dictates my response. If I've had my coffee.. heheh 'Let the games begin!'
Question 1... Who did Adam and Eve's son have sex with. His mother or his sister?
Question 2... If god can do anything, can she make a mountain she can't climb?
Question 3... So sweet meat. Why does god make homosexuals?
I usually don't get past the first question ;) I've never had any stay past the third heheh.
Have a great new year all!
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Rick, I ain't gettin any? Who told you that? OH you mean sympathy...oh? ok.
Just to make sure you understand my predicament, I am 5'11" tall and weigh 132 pounds 60 Kilograms.
When I am ill with the flu or a cold It goes down to 58 Kilos (127), then I stuff myself with donuts, chips, chocolates, caramel toffees, and lots of rice pudding. Seems to work for me.
My cardiac specialist who is slightly overweight, once looked at me as he reached for his fresh fruit salad and said, "I am going to eat my lunch, -bastard." I kid you not, that is what he said.
I usually eat one meal a day, with nibbles on nuts and various other (unhealthy) junk foods thoughout the day.
The fact that I am vegetarian does not seem to matter as my boyfriend and I eat the same and he is closer to your weight than mine. It is just the luck of the gene draw, I suspect. Speaking of which I can still fit into my original Levis from 1969. Sorry....
You can call me twiggy bitch if you want, I've been called worse. 
Ohhhh... that is just so not fair! As for your doctor lol I can understand the bitter ;)
I have heard that extremely thin people who become ill have no 'body fat reserve' to help stave off the lack of eating. I'll give you a tip if you want to gain weight. Eat a box of Little Debbie Snack cakes and a large bag of chips each day (in addition to your regular meals). Trust me... you'll gain some weight, and probably have a heart attack in about a year. Hmmm... maybe you shouldn't do that.
So... in the interest of your plight....
May the fleas of a 1000 camels infest your nethers and your arms be to short to scratch! LOL (just kidding hun)
I may be green, but I'm no incredible hulk.... DAMN that jealousy! lol
Take care ;)
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lol When I first read it I know I nearly spewed Dt. Mountain Dew. It just cracked me up. I'm glad you both liked it lol
I have registered on the 'national do not call list' but I know I haven't registered for anything state wise. I'll have to check that out. Thanks for the suggestion!
Take care!
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Okay... I just got another of MANY telemarketer calls I get each night. My general tactic is to say 'could you hold one moment'.... when you ask that... they are always sure to say 'SURE!'... They think that you might actually listen. Then... very quietly I hang up the phone and let them wait for the beep-beep-beep.
Anyway... it reminded me of an email I got a while back and I thought you all might get a hoot out of it so I'm going to copy and paste it here. I thought it was hysterical!
How do you all usually deal with them all?
(the email)
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening
meal, and as I Answered it I was greeted with "Is this
Karl Brummer".
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is
calling.
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band
Powered Freezer Company or something like that.
Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why
was he calling this number.
I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the
body at various angles and the blood smears". I then
turned back to the phone and advised the caller that
he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the
line because we had already traced this call
and he would be receiving a Summons to testify in this
murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his
answers were given in a shaky voice.
I then told him we had located his position and the
police were entering the building to take him into
custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the
scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to our table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My
meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long,
long time.
(heheh something to try for your next telemarketer
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Gee DarkShadow, I am sorry to hear about your diet problems.
I can't help much with that I am afraid. I just bought a new pare of jeans and it is very boring for me still the same size as they have been for the past thirty years. size 30. I use to take size 29 till I was thirty. My middle-aged spread was exactly an increase of one inch around my waist.
I have followed a strict diet all these years of at least one fresh cream cake a day. I would say that that has kept me slim but my doctor tells me it is my metabolism. The down side to all this is of course that at 62 I look somewhat gaunt and thin. It doesn't help that I have naturally pale skin hanging off my bones either.
I have met people who have told me they heard I was either dead or dying. First I new of it.
Now if I could just put a bit of weight on I might look less like one of the walking dead.
I did try all those body building powders when I was younger but they failed to increase my muscle tone.
I thought I might be able to fool people into thinking I was a skeleton with muscles, but it didn't do a thing.
Happy Easter.
My girl friend from Illinois and I would lovingly say to those with your affliction 'DIE TWIG BITCH!' LOL She was less than thin, and I wasn't exactly 'twiggy' at the time either. I have been 280 lbs (i'm only 6' tall) and then dropped down to 145. Then I yo-yo'd between that and 190 for years. Never in all those years did I ever look in the mirror and think 'you look thin'.
I won't wish the evil 'Die Twig Bitch' curse upon you, but I will say I'm jealous ;)
It's not wise to invoke the Bunny without good cause, Dark Shadow.
TR
PS. I only let my very close friends call me 'evil'...
Whoops! Sorry about that TR lol.... But since I got your attention... what's up with the painted eggs 'eh?
Speaking of bunnies.... I remember an old joke from when I was a teenager. We'd dig our hands down into our pockets... pull them out... thrust our hips forward and yell 'Kiss the Bunny!' ... Well... it was funny then ;)
Now there's a dangerous phrase.Shhh Sharon!!! I don't think I have scared anyone here yet, and I have every intention of keeping it that way you heathen!
And as to those five pounds, I quiet enjoy mine. Keeps my wrinkles plumped up better than botox.Sharon
Well... when I start to wrinkle, then I'll pack on a few pounds to punch them out. Until then, it's going to be a battle of the beltline lol!
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So... now that the holidays have passed and the new year is staring us in the face, have any of you found that you seem somewhat 'thicker' than you were? The scale tells me there are 5 more pounds of me than there used to be. I had hoped that this was some local phenomenon, that perhaps gravity was somehow stronger at my house, but the scale at work also confirmed the 'extra me'. (DAMNIT!)
I have to wonder if the lack of holidays until February are some kind of predestined recovery time, only to slap us in the face with pink hearts and boxes of chocolates, which is then followed by the evil Bunny! It seems an endless cycle of sweets!
I'm getting a little tired of dieting, though I suppose hitting the holiday road bumps and falling off the wagon necessitates it.
People ask... How long have you been dieting?
My answer... 1987.
Anyway ;) Just some idle banter and a few random thoughts. I hope you all had a great holiday. As someone said to me, 'May the best parts of this year be the worst of the next one.'
Take care!
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I'd like to caution you all to keep an open mind. The stories may be crap, but then again, they might not be. Sometimes it takes someone who is fearless (or a nutcase) to actually voice concerns which others, more entrenched in the corporate heirarchy, are loath to voice. When the aim is simply to warn, particularly if the audience is not a group of scientists, a list of credits and studies is the last thing one would want to use. Hook the topic to something that seems to be of concern to many, and which has much public attention, and you get your story out much more quickly and widely. That's good marketing. It also doesn't mean the message is necessarily false.
As for an agenda, I cannot see that it is all that sinister, nor invisible. It is pretty obvious that the writer is cautioning against eating too much soy, and the use of soy derivatives in so much food. I cannot disagree, having nasty reactions to soy. It is very frustrating that almost weekly another food that I COULD eat, has suddenly got soy in it, and I have to avoid it. Usually I don't even know they've added it, till I react.
My point is that you could substitute the word 'soy' with 'oats', or 'corn', and it would still be a factless based article, but none the less 'possible'. Then again... we can all make blanket statements pulled from nowhere. Of course, oats and corn would suddenly have a greater impact and sound even more ridiculous. Is it possible that large quantities of a food can be a detriment to our health? Certainly. But, with the complete lack of supporting data, any one of us could make a similar statement and not have to explain ourselves. We could add several footnotes, as was done in this atricle, and link some third rate search engine.
I thought the 'agenda' was blatantly clear. To sell his book and promote his religious beliefs.
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**Notice!*** This just in. Scientific studies in 2006 have proven too much consumption of Jello*, the well known snack food and desert, will cause bleeding from the eyes.
For more information you can purchase my book at www.religious-BS.com
:)
I do agree we have to keep an open mind. What disturbs me is that so many individuals will read this and say, 'oh!' I'll be damned. That Soy Burger from the Happy Meals my son ate as a child made him gay! Down with Mc'D's... Down with SOY! Oprah made a similar mistake once. Beef came back and kicked her ass.
Take care!
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LOL You Go Girl!
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Interesting... that all of the links go to a nondescript website that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the story and offers NO conclusion or even the slightest bit of supporting evidence for this idiocy.
Also ;) Take note who is actually writing this dribble ;)
James Rutz is chairman of Megashift Ministries and founder-chairman of Open Church Ministries. He is the author of "MEGASHIFT: Igniting Spiritual Power," and, most recently, "The Meaning of Life." If you'd rather order by phone, call WND's toll-free customer service line at 1-800-4WND-COM (1-800-496-3266
Hmmm wonder what the agenda is here.
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This has got to be the single most idiotic thing I have ever heard. Gay people have been around for a much longer time than 'soy products'.
To even remotely imply that the 'estrogen like' compounds that 'may' be in soy products is in some way close enough to human based estrogen, and, cause a change in their sexual preference is simply ridiculous.
Also, I would like you to note that there is not even one instance that tells precisely which studies back the claims that are being made here. It might be different if there were a pile of medical studies that were cited so that we might make reference to them and search out the truth. In this retarded babble, we're not given a single one to substantiate what is being said. I suppose that would be... because it is simply not true.
I am also a bit of a health nut, and soy is an excellent high protein low fat substitute to meat. Yay for the Boca Burger!
Could it be... that maybe... just MAYBE, society has changed, and now more and more people are drifting away from the ludicrous stigma associated with homosexuality. I suppose now it will be a detriment for male babies to breastfeed for fear that they will get an 'overdose' of estrogen directly from the source? You see... there in lies the bullshit ;) Breastfeeding is a natural thing, and they surely wouldn't want to bash that now would they?
In my opinion, it would be best if someone... anyone... put a boob or otherwise in this person's mouth to stifle the ignorance.
By the way... I never had soy formula as a child. I also did not breastfeed according to my mother. We had this thing back then called MILK!
I guess it was too many hormonal 'COWS' that were my downfall :)
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Well... I'd hate not to help out. I can't think of a better cause ;)
Heh this is probably some sinister plot to up Kleenex sales. Either way... there are surely worse things!
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Okay? Here is what I would do with this. If I were editing (which I am not and you should be grateful because I can?t edit for shite)
Dear Diary,
This is my first time writing to you. Today was a cluster f**k of epic proportions, and you are my solution for sorting it all out.
Today, my parents were informed that I?m gay. I wasn?t sure how they would react, but I didn?t think it would happen like this. I thought for sure that I would be the one to tell them. Now they refuse to talk to me. I came home from school, after having such a great day, and they sent me to my room, and told me to stay there.
I was a little suspicious before I walked in the front door, because normally, I?m the first one home. When they told me to go to my room, I knew for certain, something serious was going on.
I guess I should go back a little and explain. About three weeks ago, I came out to my first person, my sister (Kate? A name here please). She?s 19, and I?m 15. I thought we were close and that I could trust her. When we were driving down to my Uncles farm three weeks ago, she just came out and asked me if I was gay. I didn?t answer right away, but then admitted that I was. She said it was okay, and I thought that was the end of it, because she didn't mention it for the rest of the trip.
Then, yesterday something happened. My sister (A name here instead of My sister) caught me in her bedroom looking for (a what? We need to know what? to know what you?re hiding and why you wouldn?t tell. Were you rifling though her underwear drawer? What?s Up? Consider: I was rifling through her (whatever) drawer, looking for a (whatever), when she walked in.) I refused to tell her what I was looking for. She told me that if I didn?t, she?d reveal my secret. I considered my sister a mature person, so I didn?t think that she?d really do it. I suspect I may have been wrong.
So, here I am, trapped in my room, waiting for ?the talk?. My sister must have told them. Why else would they act this way? I?m not sure, but I thought I heard my parents say the word ?gay? as I went to my room. Well, I guess we?ll see what comes next. I?ll let you know.
Bobby
P.S. Thanks. I feel better already having written this down.
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Okay... this is what I would do with it. I've rewritten it in such a way that I think flows better and continues the mystery. This... (if I were to read it) would draw me to read the next chapter. I can't explain why I would do it this way other than I just think it flows better.
I could be wrong. I'm new to writing so take the changes with a grain of salt. If nothing else... it's something to consider, and gives you some options. You seem to have some 'tense' issues within sentences, and if it were me.. I'd suggest losing the 'now,' thing. When we gab with friends.... we might speak that way, but when we read... it's different. 'Now,' is an interruption to thought. So if you can avoid it... I would.
Hope it helps hun! Take care and can't wait to read more hehehe!
Take care!
Hey guys, i wanted to see what you all thought of this. An idea to write this just popped into my head about 30 minutes ago, and this is what I wrote. I know it is short, but... I plan on, if I do decide to continue with this to keep writing it as Diary Entries. I am not sure about this though, it may be to... common of a theme or whatever. What do you think? Please be 100% honest, even if you think it will hurt my feelings. Thanks a bunch!Kurt
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Dear Diary,
This is my first time writing to you. Things have gotten f**ked up today, and I just needed a place to let it all out.
I would like to say that my life is hell, but I am sure that it is no where near that.
Today, my parents found out that I am gay. I wasn?t sure how they would take it, but I didn?t think it would happen like this, and I thought for sure that I would have been the one to tell them. My parents are not talking to me. I came home from school, I had been having such a great day, and they told me to go to my room and stay there all night. Now, I was a little suspicious before I even went into the house, normally I am the first one home. But, when they told me to go to my room, I knew for sure that something serious was going on.
I guess I could go back a little and explain some things. About three weeks ago, I came out to my first person. That person was my sister. She is 19, and I am 15. We are fairly close, or so I thought. We were driving down to my Uncles farm, and she just came out and asked me if I am gay. I did not say anything right away, but then I told her that I am. She said it was okay, and that was the end of it. Neither of us brought it up for the rest of the drive, nor for the past three weeks.
Then, yesterday something bad happened. My sister caught me in her bedroom looking for something. I would not tell her what I was looking for, so she told me that if I did not tell her, she would tell our parents about my sexuality. Now, I figured that my sister was a mature person, so I did not think that she would really do such a thing, boy, was I wrong.
So, here I am today, locked up in my room waiting for my parents to talk to me. My sister must have talked told my parents; why else would they be like this. I did also, at least I think, hear my parents say the word ?gay? as I was walking to my room. Well, I guess we will see what is in store for me. I will keep you updated.
Bobby
P.S. I already feel better just writing this down to you, thank you Diary.
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First my gratitude for the replies and work that you put into them Blue, Graeme and DarkShadow.
Also my apologies for the typos. I thought I had caught the more obvious ones.
I am having a little trouble with my eyesight at present.
I can imagine that you are all very busy people with better things to do than hold my hand while it is trying to type a story.
I'm always busy, but that surely doesn't mean I don't have time to help out someone who is asking ;) It only takes a little bit of time. As for the 'passed/past' and 'new/knew' issues. I have a growing list (an incredibly LARGE growing list) of things that I double check after I finish writing. I know my errors because my editors point them out to me (THANK THE GODS!). I still don't send them clean copy, and there is almost always an autopsy of edits sent back to me, which I love. Every little suggestions and pointed out mistake helps me learn that much more.
Anyway I want to explain further what I was doing here, with this piece.I was becoming tired from work and not having the get and go to work on my long, laborious novel.
(Not the work on which you have all so kindly and objectively made such helpful comments.)
The idea for Office Games ran around the vacant lot that my braincell uses when I seized it and started typing. (No. no, not the braincell. I seized the Office Games idea.)
Two hours later, it was as you see it above. Yes I did spell check it but missed the "passed". Any editor is going to have watch out for me on those kinds of words.
I would need to do somethings to it, I knew, but what and how much was acceptable as it stood?
Did the Barney/Fred cause infringements of copyright. I would argue no, but I wondered.
Was the male boy device annoying or entertaining as a introduction? Similarly the "sweeping good looks?"
I could see I would have liked the word "broom" to be more concealed from the "sweeping good looks", but I needed some guidance on these things.
I also am painfully aware that my fleshing out skills sometimes won't cooperate. Bouncing this "raw" material would I hoped give me more of an insight into alternatives and the process.
I love speed writing a chapter. It gets, as Graeme put it, 'the frame' of the chapter down. Fleshing it out, to me, always seems easier after you have the bulk of the writing done.
I enjoyed the mail/male play on words, though I honestly have to admit. I totally missed the 'sweeping' reference. I'm not quite as 'with it' in the late afternoon and evening hours. I'm usually brain dead.
Well the three of you certainly have given me much to work with and think about.The opening paragraph obviously causes us all some problems. For me it is not quite as poetically symbolic or as intriguing as I would like. (Yes Graeme that means flowery, sorry.) One of my loves is instances of poetic prose that serve dramatic purposes in the story. The fact that a lot of people do not like it means I just have to make sure it is appropriate and as good as I can do it.
The partitions being waist high was meant as a visualisation that crossed the boundaries of the metric/imperial systems of measurement, DarkShadow.
It's strange. I have used both 'meters' and 'feet' in the same story, and never really gave it much thought before as to how other nations might have difficulty equating the dimension or distance. I will have to take this into consideration for future chapters. So... thanks! Yet again I've learned something that hadn't really dawned on me before. I was brought up in the Metric generation in the US (which was quickly scuttled) so I have a concept of the measure. I can concieve meters and Kilos and grams and pounds and miles. (how's that for a terrible sentence 'eh?) By god... I can even do Celcius lol. The old 'non changing fogies of the US' pigeon holed the concept of learning metric a couple of years after it was implemented. Luckily... I was in school when it was introduced. It's just something I never considered before. So thanks!
I liked that you all discuss the opening. I had meant it to be a general poetic prose summation of the office area with an intrigue about it being a place where "games" were played. The nature of the games would unfold later. May be a little dangerous and I should elaborate slightly."Yobbo" before I forget was accidentally misspelled (misspelt). I included it to see if it was a problem for non-Aussie readers with the word's meaning. I guess you are all OK with it.
DarkShadow was not happy with the "It?s OK, no one takes any notice of me.? phrase.
I hate to tell you this but the sentence is a word for word real life statement by an actor in a situation not dissimilar to the actual setting in the story. However I do like your more concise variation. I still like the stool being repositioned. But I can work both in there to make us both happy DarkShadow.
LOL Don't you change something to make me happy. I'm just a beginner, and what I offer are just my opinions. You write it until you're happy with it ;) As for the 'OK / Okay' thing. That was not an intention to correct spelling. It's just how I write it lol. I didn't think anything of it. The wording seemed a little 'stilted' to me, but that is just me. Again.. if you like it the other way, by all means keep it that way. At work, I have a tendancy to be very familiar with people. Whether it is the first day or several years into the position. It's a love me or hate me thing, though... usually people just laugh at my strange sayings.
For instance... I told the Service Manager today 'You're really starting to work my TITS!'
(meaning... you're really starting to get on my f**king nerves)
A saying I picked up from Kentucky. Also... an insufferable habit of calling people 'hon' that has slipped into my writing which my editor Snatches out at every opportunity :)
So on the whole gentleDudes, I am most happy to have your opinions and suggestions.The exercise has confirmed for me that speed writing without painful (for me) reconsideration is not going to work very well. On the other hand spontaneous occurrences like the Barney/Fred thing or the use of the sneeze are not to be instantly avoided or dismissed. I needed to know these things.
Again, I love the speedy approach to writing. So long as you can go back and flesh it out afterward. I believe that the 'bulk' of a chapter can be spat out (though lately I am having problems with that) and then edited into a beautiful thing! You have a lot to work with here and only some changes to consider.. Look at how much you have accomplished as opposed to painstakingly laying down each sentence! A couple of days ago I rewrote an entire page so I could include a single word. THAT really told me... 'Okay Shannon... I think we're obseesing a bit here... Let's be a little more productive.' So... before you discard the method completely... I hope you consider this. ;)
That is really helpful for me.I was very interested to see the reaction to the anonymity of the company and the "samples".
I really wanted to go down this "alternative", nondescript path of not having the company and its products grabbing the readers attention as something that would allow the reader to dismiss the office game as something that could only happen in that company and with their product alone.
The aim was to have a symbolic company backdrop for the dramas that unfold and could be in any work situation. I guess I will need to think that through as well. I can see some opportunities from your suggestions, but will need to research another avenue to achieve this end.
I have almost finished chapter two and some of the queries you have raised here have been addressed. Others have now become a slightly bigger target for me to work upon that make chapter two quite unfinshed.
I must admit... I did want to know more specifics when reading about the employer. It seemed too ambiguous and made it difficult to become 'part' of the story when I couldn't place the scene or more detail because I didn't know what the 'samples' were for or of. What happened with me while I read, was that I continued to wonder after the beginning mention of the place... what exactly are you doing? I think this unanswered question distracted me in part from the details further into the story. I kept reading trying to find where it said exactly what the company 'does'. So that's something to think about.
I certainly can see that we all read very differently and that a writer's skill must work to include those differences to further the story for as many readers as possible without scarificing style altogether.As for the future of the story I know something about the plot I have not revealed here and it is certainly not what you might think. Can I make it all happen? I can but try and with your help it just may be possible.
I am going to need an editor aren't I?
My many thanks again for the most helpful feedback.
You're most welcome. I'm sorry that my posts tend to ramble on. I know it's a chore to get through them most times, but I try to explain as much as I can as well as I can, and that isn't always easy for me. I hope you do continue to write this story, because now I'm intrigued! (DAMN YOU!) LOL another story I'm going to have to follow. Chapter 2.... that will determine if I continue to read. If you can't hook me by then... you're toast! LOL (but that's just me) Though.... I did feel the hook dig in a little when I read about the new 'Boss' hitting on the employee heheh.
Take care and I can't wait to read what you make of Chapter 1!
Shannon / DarkShadow
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Here are some suggestions and things to consider:
The office sprawled before me like a giant board game. Each desk in a cubicle of waist high partitions, each reserved for a pawn, to be used as needed for the whim of anyone who was in the game, and they were all in it playing by the rules.
Normally I would say ?fix it? but you don?t know me and I?m new here so I?ll explain myself.
(A possible alternative)
The office lay before me like a giant board game. Three foot cubicle walls bordered each pawn?s desk like individual countries. Each would be used at the whim of anyone who was in the game. Rest assured, if you were in a cubicle, you were also in the game, and playing by the rules.
I?m giving this as an alternative because the second sentence is too much. It?s a tough read and makes you take a mental breath at having finished it. If there are two separate thoughts here, my suggestion would be to split them.
I slipped off my coat and hung it on the back of the high-stool that lets me reach the shelves above the bench without having to stand.
I would probably simplify this sentence.
I slipped off my coat and hung it on the back of the tall stool that allows me to reach the (sorting?) shelves without having to stand. (This is only to eliminate the preposition and the word ?high?. I don?t truly think there is anything wrong with the sentence other than it is just a bit awkward on the eyes.)
I sat down, slipped my hands down the front of my slacks and made sure that the essentials would not be crushed by the hard seat of the stool while I worked.
(A possible alternative)
I sat down and slipped my hands down the front of my slacks. I didn?t want to chance the hard wooden seat might crush my ?essentials? while I worked.
There are several ?typos? etc that have already been mentioned. There are some flow issues, but I?m not going to write an eight page post that few can endure.
One problem I see from the start is that you aren?t explaining the meaning behind the ?game? and the ?pawns?.
The dialogue needs kicked up a notch.
It?s OK, no one takes any notice of me.? I replied as I repositioned the stool.
(?It?s Okay, no one ever notices me.? I shifted on the stool trying to get comfortable.)
My suggestion? read the dialogue aloud? is this something you would normally hear or say?
?I?m the new janitor.? He proclaimed with eager innocence.
(?I?m the new janitor.? He seemed almost too happy at having found a job.)
?Where is Eddie?? I asked.
(?Where?s Eddie?? The concern in my voice was genuine. I didn?t like the idea he may have been let go after so many years of faithful service.)
You get the general idea I hope ;)
Anyway, I hope that this helps!
Please remember... these are only my opinions... and I have a lot to learn!
Take care!
You can call me twiggy bitch if you want, I've been called worse. 
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Oregon Principal Blocks Jr. High Play
in News & Views
Posted
It's interesting. My English Literature teacher in Middle and High School was one and the same throughout my arduous time there. Vic, as we called her, didn't seem to take much in the way of outer 'pressures' when it came to stories we read or movies we may have watched afterward.
After reading Romeo and Juliet, we watched a movie of the same story. It was very well done, but I recall there being a nude scene where the character Romeo climbed out of bed (they had just finished doing the nasty) as was nude as he walked to the window. Of course, all you could see was his ass, but still... it was 'sanctioned' nudity.
Of course there was one student that had to make some smart comment.
I'll never forget her reply... "Get used to it. We've all got an ass." (yes she said ass) "Be glad that right now you only have to look at it, because later in life, you'll be chapping your lips on one." She then made a comment saying how she thought the boy was quite attractive which made us all laugh.
We were allowed and encouraged to read aloud in class, and when there was a swear word in the context, we said it loud and clear. I doubt all of the parents would have approved of either, but it was still the curriculum she chose, and we learned a great deal from it.
We read a great deal of Shakespeare during those years and I am sure, if you are at all acquainted with the material, you know that there is at least one phrase in each story that could possibly offend someone. That doesn?t however negate the true joy and wonder of reading such wonderful work.
It perturbs me that some would have the world perceived like a ?Leave it to Beaver? episode rather than the ?Roseanne? reality that it is. Still? we teeter on the edge of offense and worry about bruising someone else?s fragile sensibilities at every turn. I think it is ridiculous and the preconception leaves younger members of society ill equipped to deal with the harsh reality that is our world, which, should be, our ultimate goal.
This sink or swim attitude is what I believe to be a major factor in the more recent hostile actions in our schools, and a precursor to the growing violence in our society. The notion that everything ?should be? peaches and light to a young adult or adolescent who is enduring anything but, only emphasizes the torture they endure when entering the world, or wake to each day.
Anyhow.... those are my thoughts.... right... wrong... or indifferent.