captainrick's Blog

Wow! Didn?t realize it had been so long since I had posted here?. Well? when you read below, you will see that I?ve been rather busy.

After my diagnosis, well, I had to face a few realities. The biggest one was, I was a gay man with AIDS. That is simply not conducive with the fa?ade I had been living for more than twenty years, and yes, in the end it was more than my wife could handle. We had a lot to sort out, I moved into the guest bedroom, and well, yea, we were finally divorced several months ago, and I?m living on my boat. But, it was a VERY friendly divorce, and we are still very close friends, but we both knew we had to move on. I like to tell the folks that I?m ?out? to (which is most anyone who wants to know) that it most closely resembles a ?Will and Grace? type relationship if one has to define it, but we did share most of our lives together, so it?s really the only thing that makes sense. She has moved on and is seeing a nice man, and ummm so am I. More about that later. My boss at work was very cool and understanding about all my ?issues? as were some of my co-workers I chose to share with, so no real work problems.

I decided all this had to have a purpose. I met a wonderful person here in Mississippi that was trying to start up a HIV/AIDS peer support group and AIDS service organization. I agreed to serve on his board with several other wonderful people and have become a bit of an AIDS activist. There are SO many things Mississippi DOES NOT have for HIV survivors that other places take for granted, the list is too long for me to start that here. So far, our group has been quite successful. More about that in a bit as well.

I have also kept up with my writing. After I finished Sky?s the Limit, Book II, (hosted here at AD) I wanted to do something different. Well, a wonderful fellow author whom I originally met at AD and formerly had some of his stories posted here, Adam Donaldson Powell, asked me to co-write a book with him. Adam and I had struck up a beautiful online friendship, and I had read and enjoyed all of his work so it seemed like a good a fit. The project would be more or less a sequel to his earlier PUBLISHED book, ?2014, Life and Adventures of an Incarnated Angel? which was a sort of science fiction/fantasy genre work. I was immediately intrigued.

So, now it?s done, AND PUBLISHED. Yes, I am now a published author.

The name of the book is ?Tunnel at the End of Time? and is available for purchase at www.cyberwit.net. It should be available at Amazon.com soon. Adam?s earlier book, ?2014? is also available at Cyberwit or Amazon. There?s lots more info on the book at Adam?s web site, www.adamdonaldsonpowell.com , along with some excerpts.

Now, back to where I left off above. In the course of organizing a peer support group for the Jackson area, I met a wonderful man named Sam who joined our group almost a year ago now, right after he himself was diagnosed. Sam and I became instant friends as we quickly discovered in conversations that we shared many things in common. In fact, WAY too many to list here, but a short list would be the same TV shows, movies, music, etc., but also both of us had been married and had a son apiece until we had to finally face our sexuality.

Sam and I dated for several weeks before he eventually moved in with me on the houseboat, and the two of us are also trying to restore an old house in North Mississippi where his grandmother had lived and is situated on family land. We call it ?the farm? as the adjacent land is inhabited by cattle that his dad raises. We pretty much stay on the boat during the week and work on the house on the weekends. Sam is a wonderful man, and both of us are very happy. I think THIS is what a relationship is REALLY supposed to be.

Our AIDS organization has really taken off. We co-hosted an AIDS town-hall discussion here in Jackson by the White House AIDS czar and his Office of National AIDS Policy (ONAP) which Prez. Obama has tasked with the responsibility of formulating the first U.S. national AIDS strategy/policy (about 25 years late, but better late than never). The meeting was one of only a dozen fact-finding meetings held in the U.S. last year. See www.whitehouse.gov/administration/eop/onap/events . We also sponsored a huge city-wide World AIDS Day event here in Jackson, with Dr. Joycelyn Elders, the former U.S. surgeon general under Prez Clinton as the keynote speaker, and the Mississippi Mass Choir, which has one numerous recording awards performed as well.

So, yeah, I?ve been sorta busy. A new life, a new partner, a new published book, and a new calling, and sometime in there have to find time for my 9 to 5er to keep the bills paid.

Hugz all,

Rick

October 10, 2008

Well, heh, obviously I?m not a big blogger since I haven?t posted anything since LAST summer. I guess I was waiting to see just what other weird turns my life would take, and I was sure I would have started another story by now, but it just wasn?t to be.

Where to start? Hmmm, well, I?m still married and we?re still dealing with the obvious problems that a mixed orientation marriage can cause. I?m okay with that for now. But so much more has happened. I did get a new job last September that I really do like. I?m back in government service so the hours are regular and the caseload tolerable. Plus it has decent benefits which is a good thing, cuz where I?m headed next is well.. I guess the shocker of this blog.

I started getting sick back around last thanksgiving. You know, fever, sore throat, swollen tonsils, etc. etc. I went to my doctor but he had been reassigned and was handed off to a nurse practitioner who got me some antibiotics and referred me to an ENT doctor who was convinced it was pharengitis (bad tonsils) and wrote me another scrip and that was that. Well I seemed to get some better, then the whole process started over again in February. Went back to the ENT doc and he said the same thing, gave me another scrip with a warning that we may have to remove my tonsils. I personally prefer all my body parts where they are thank you very much?

Anyway, I seemed to get better again till late April then I started running fever again, usually just at night after I got home from work and was usually mild, just a degree or so. Then, it became every night and sometimes during the day. I had no absolutely no energy, and finally Suz (wife) made me find a doctor. I finally got through to this Doctor I know through our church and some mutual friends and he worked me in. He examined me, took some blood and sent me home with instructions to call him if I got any worse. I did, and I did. My fever started spiking over 102 and when I got him on the phone he said some of labs were back and my white counts and platelets were really low and I needed to be in the hospital right away. By then it was the first week of June.

I spent a week in the hospital being poked, prodded, CT scanned, and tested. They tested for West Nile, meningitis, everything. Then there were bone marrow tests (ouchy), etc. The doctor had prepared me for a diagnosis of lymphoma or leukemia. I was getting pretty depressed at this point. Then one day he came in and asked, ?Have you ever been tested for HIV??

?No.?

?Well, the quick test came back positive. We have to do a more definitive test to be sure.? I was like ?WHAT!!!!?

Well the ?more definitive tests? were more than positive, they were devastating. I had an extremely high viral load count and a very low CD4 (t-cell) count -- about as bad as it could be. Technically, under the CDC guidelines set back in 1993 before modern therapies, I was in full blown AIDS, but I hadn?t had any of the ?opportunistic infections.?

No. I do not know how I got it. Yes I have had male-male sexual contact but I was ALWAYS careful. The docs say based on my labs I probably had been infected for 8-10 years which means it could very well have happened during a surgery I had back in 1999.

No. Suz is not infected thank God. The only thing we can figure there is that we know she is descended from northern Europeans on both sides of her family and there has recently been identified genetic mutations of many northern Europeans and their descendants that makes them either highly resistant or even immune to this thing. Well, that?s the theory we?re traveling under at this point anyway. Insurance won?t pay for her genetic testing. The important thing is she?s clear.

I was started on one of the latest drug therapies out there. It?s actually three different antiretroviral drugs in one pill that I take once a day at bedtime. I also take antibiotics to prevent certain infections, but I was feeling much better within days of starting the drug therapy. That?s where what I said about my benefits earlier being so important. The HIV drug costs $1,200.00/mo. Yes, One Thousand Two Hundred Dollars for 30 pills. My insurance is covering it except for my $25 co-pay.

Now, my viral load is basically undetectable, but my CD4 count is still critically low, meaning I am still at risk for about any type of infection, but I have also gained back over 15 pounds of weight I had lost. Yes, HIV wasting had already begun, as had the diarrhea, night sweats, and other HIV symptoms which are now thankfully all gone.

I?m not writing this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I?m not using it as an excuse as to why I haven?t been writing. I?m doing it because I want everyone to know YOU ARE AT RISK. I never got tested because I never saw the need. I still wouldn?t have had I not gotten sick. By then it was almost too late. Please, everyone reading this, don?t send me sympathy notes or anything. If you want to make me feel better, tell me you have gone to get tested or will go get tested.

Next Blog: My finally ?coming out? to some friends.

Hugs all,

Rick

A Great Father?s Day,

Well that?s how it ended up. It certainly didn?t start out that way earlier in the weekend. You see, my son has been off at University for almost 3 years now. He?s working a full time job now too that he really enjoys, so he hardly ever comes home. In fact, the last time he was home was just for one day over Easter. I hadn?t seen him since, and was quite anxious to spend some time with him when he announced his upcoming Father?s Day visit over a week ago.

Of course he is unaware of the problems my wife and I are dealing with right now (see blog entry number 1) and we agreed that there is no need to drag him into the middle of all this till we know ourselves how we are going to deal with it. We both agreed, when the time is right, that I will be the one to talk to him.

Anyhow, I was quite excited about spending some time with him. On Thursday, though he called to say it would be Saturday afternoon before he could make it as he was doing a special project for his boss. I already knew from an earlier call, that he was bring his room mate with him to go to a concert that evening. Well, he finally showed up just in time for supper. I had grilled some burgers and they were quickly devoured just in time for them to again leave for the concert, promising to return early so we could have some time to sit and talk.

Well, early became quite late, and they still hadn?t showed up. He called and said they would be later than planned as something had come up with no other real explanation, I threw a selfish tantrum, because now I thought I wasn?t getting my time I had so been wanting. I fired off a really mean text message to him that I now seriously regret, and went to bed.

The next morning I learned that they had hooked up with some current college and old high school friends, and one of them had gotten stranded and they waited with her till her Mom could pick her up. I felt like crap, and I apologized. Then he goes to the car and gets gifts, he had bought my wife a little something, some scented candle things he knows she loves, then he whips out my Father?s Day gift. He bought me an Ipod Nano! With his own money! I almost fainted. I told him to take it back, but he absolutely refused, and before I knew it, he had it hooked up to my puter and was putting in several gigs of music files he brought with him. So not only did I get the Ipod, he even brought the music!

After that, we spent the day on the boat. His room mate left that morning after they rode the jet ski for a while, as he had to go back to work, and then we took the boat out for a while and anchored out on the lake. Yes, the wife was there and we had a really nice ?family day? without a hint of ?issues?. After we got back to the dock though, the wife decided to go on back to the house to start on the weekend?s laundry and Alex and I spent the rest of the night on the boat, just us guys, some beer, and a great time. It was a wonderful day!

Okay kiddos, it?s cleansing and confession time for the ole Cap?n.

Growing up in small town Mississippi, (my young friend and fellow author, Razor, and I share the same crappy hometown) the last thing anyone young man in the late 70?s early 80?s wanted to be in that town was gay. Besides the ostracism, teasing, verbal abuse, etc., there was also the threat of physical violence. I was the victim of such (queer) rumors, and everything that went with it when I was in high school. Deep down though, I knew the rumors were true.

By the time I was in college, I was determined to do everything in my power to be the perfect straight guy. Although I wasn?t good in sports, I never missed an event. I started dating, joined a fraternity and social clubs. I was living the model life of a straight guy. By the time I was 19 I had met the girl I would eventually marry. We did, and I finished college and even worked my way through law school. We had a wonderful son who is now grown and in college himself. I have never slept with another woman (or man) all these years.

Throughout my marriage, though, my ?urges? never ceased. I have struggled with them for over twenty years. I would satisfy those urges with porn, and my fantasies when I was alone. The internet opened a whole new world and the porn was readily available on demand. A few years ago I discovered Nifty which eventually led me to GA, Awesomedude, and other great sites. After reading some of the great authors like Dom, Vance, Graeme, Lugh, Little Buddha, and others, I became convinced that maybe I could write a little story myself that someone might like to read. After all, I minored in English. So I started to write. That was not quite a year ago. It was the most complete and awesome way for me to deal with my sexuality that I had found. It was therapy for me. The writing, and the way I was accepted into the community of these websites by readers, and fellow authors has had a tremendous effect on me.

Now for the confession part, several years ago my wife found a gay porno tape and confronted me. I lied and said it was a gag, and I was just curious so I watched it. ? I lied. I was lying as much to myself as to her. There were a couple of more confrontations when she thought she found something suspicious, (but were actually quite innocent) to which I again denied my true sexuality.

Well, this week, I let her use my laptop to check and send some emails. My laptop is where Captain Rick and my stories live, and where I keep files of things other authors have sent me to read, or whatever. She found them. This time, I was tired of lying. Maybe it was the empowerment I felt from all of my net friends I have made here and at other sites, maybe I was just tired of lying to her and myself. I told her the truth.

It can?t be easy to find out that the person you?ve been married to for almost twenty-five years is gay. It hurts me horribly to see her hurting. But on the flip side, it?s taken me almost that long to admit it to myself. My heart is breaking over this as I would never EVER hurt her on purpose. Since she?s suspected for years, she?s taking it surprisingly well. We are talking, and are still living together, but I don?t know if we can save our marriage or not. Time, compromise, and hard work will tell. Graeme, Altimexis, and others who have been through this have been incredibly supportive. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

My biggest fear? This may sound incredibly selfish, but I fear being alone. I have no brothers or sisters, and my parents are both deceased. What little family I do have left are scattered, and I rarely if ever see them. I?ve NEVER been truly alone. It scares the pure hell out of me.

Why am I writing this? The Captain has been a bit of an enigma. If I can come out to my wife, I can be honest here. It?s way past time.

Hugs everyone,

Rick