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Fear & Loathing




I've got this little problem. It's called Traumatic Glaucoma. Granted anything that can make you go blind is pretty traumatic in itself but this refurs to a specific type of glaucoma that occurs sometimes many years after blunt force type injury to the eyes.

Like getting punched in the eyes.

My teen years were particulary difficult. I was outted at the age of 13 the summer before 7th grade started in a redneck town in Mississippi. By my count I've had twenty something concussions, 6 broken bones, my right knee had to be reconstructed. There were a couple of times I came really close to dying. I live with pain all the time.

Forgive me if I'm a little twitchy. I've got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Whenever I'm in a room, I look for something that would serve as a weapon and an exit- just in case. I have nightmares so bad that I can't sleep in the same bed with another person.

I try not to get too caught up in this crap. It's depressing and painful to think about it. For years I drank or smoked enough weed to pass out every night. I've been clean and sober since the October before last. I've been taking better care of myself.

That's how my eye condition was diagnosed. A little background.

What's bugging me is that Jan. 4th I have another appointment to see how my eyes are doing and I'm just plain scared.

That's hard for me. The way I survived for many years was to NOT show fear. If I did, I was a goner. I learned to survive by fighting dirtier than the people that were tormenting me. I learned to ignore a tremendous amount of pain so that I could dish it out.

I hate being afraid. It sucks big time. What's worse is that it makes me angry to think of WHY I've got this problem. I don't like how I feel and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I want to get high but I can't. That shit was slowly destroying my life. I want to drink myself into a stupor but that isn't going to help either.

It's hard to carry this kind of stuff around inside this time of year with the holidays and all. I don't like what I'm feeling but all I can do is let it ride.


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