Paul
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Posts posted by Paul
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This is a great story, interesting, funny, plausible, implausible, and enjoyable to read. The only thing negative that I can say is that, as I write this, chapter 3 isn't posted yet.
Colin
A big implausibility for me is the case worker finagling Mike into considering fostering while they're in the waiting room - but typically, dabeagle turns that into a virtue. It's a great scene.
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Des, the context is this: He'd been asked a question, how he knew someone. He didn't answer immediately, not till they were driving again. Then came this sentence:
He didn't reply till they were driving, "School together" was what he said.
So now that we know that, we still have to wonder why the author chose to say "is what he said" rather than merely, "he said." Phrasing it that way seems to imply that Character 2, after lengthily mulling over the question, has responded in a calculated, possibly evasive fashion, as if reluctant to spill all the beans, for whatever reason. Perhaps his reason for doing that has been set up earlier, perhaps it will be made clear subsequently. The point is, we may still not know the full context in which the exchange occurs.I'm still not sure whether there is or isn't a comma after "School together" in the original. With one, it's a conventional reportage of a line of dialog; if my speculation about the character being deliberately less than responsive is correct, its absence could be an authorial method of emphasizing the detached nature of his reply. -
I think you're writing coming-of-age stories, and I'm attracted to those - whether the male protagonists are gay or straight - for the same reason you appear to be saying you write them: my own coming-of-age didn't happen right; in many ways I never really did come of age. So I can't help but identify and empathize with people of the age I was when I was not coming-of-age when I should have been. And, of course, rooting for them when things start going right.Your having been through this kind of thing yourself is a good example of "writing what you know about." But that in itself isn't what makes your stories stand out, in my opinion, as among the best of their kind. I've said this before, but the knack you have of conveying the issues through effective and believable characterization and incident rather than through authorial pronouncements, oblique or otherwise, is what makes them so powerful and affecting.I also appreciate that though you rightfully do not ignore the concept of sexual attraction, you don't engage in explicit descriptions of or references to specific activity. I find such to be of virtually no value, and always outright intrusive, in stories that purport to deal with the broader issues of achieving a sense of self-worth and discovering how one fits into the world. To me, such content, especially with teens, can't help but convert characters from real people into objects. To be perfectly blunt, I think of it as the "eww..." factor.
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Unfortunately for the period, the ellipsis seems to be rapidly taking its place. Apparently more and more people find their minds wandering these days . . . .
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For some reason this one really irritates me: incidents / incidences.
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Both streaming and disc.
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You could ask if they'd be receptive to constructive criticism first. If their reply - if any - seems in the least bit qualified, I'd skip it. No point in throwing yourself against a brick wall.
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I feel kind of dim, my stories never answer these questions - or if they do, it's by accident rather than design.
I respectfully disagree.
Let's take EleCivil's citation of John Roger's questions , i.e.
1.) What do they want?
2.) Why can't they have it?
And 3.) Why should I give a shit?
and apply them to just two of your stories, Boy, Bus & Key and Su Cuy' Gar.
Though both protagonists - Oliver in Boy, Bus & Key and Quin in Su Cuy' Gar - initially state explicitly what they think they want - Oliver a car and Quin not to be deserted by his mother - we're quickly able to infer that those aren't their underlying desires. Discovering - along with them - what they actually want, what's keeping them from attaining it and then how they finally do is really the core of the stories. The reason we should give a shit, though, is established right from the start: they're both drawn as extremely endearing characters. We can't help but want them to discover and achieve their goals.
Plus in both cases their journeys are great examples of showing not telling and all the more powerful because of it. That's a huge failing of much online fiction, in my view. I find it tiresome when authors in effect give us lectures us about their characters' desires and motivations - either directly or through their characters' improbable inner musings - rather than letting them emerge through effective character development and revealing incident.
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Demonstrating once again that Dabeagle is a master of dialogue, with an advanced degree in banter. Don't miss it.
Since I couldn't have said it better, I'll just quote it.
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This appears to be a variation on something there's been numerous examples of on the Internet going back quite a while. In that one, an individual fabricates an online identity as one with a serious affliction, either physical or emotional, and diarizes their supposed life in dealing with it - or more precisely, not dealing with it, as their "condition" inevitably worsens, evoking outpourings of sympathy and concern. Eventually, this "person" dies or commits suicide, thus eliciting an avalanche or sorrow. What's really happening is that the individual is seeking the kind of empathy, validation and emotional support that's lacking in their real life.
The Internet isn't so much the cause of such behavior as it is a convenient vehicle for facilitating it; there are plenty of people who portray themselves as victims in real life for the same reasons.
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I'm a person who can't just turn out the light and expect to fall asleep; I have to drop off while reading. It's been like this for as long as I can remember, back to the days when it was comic books, which would be strewn about my bed, slept on, mangled, falling off the sides and collecting with the dust bunnies under the bed. Much later, when staying with friends, I had to take to bringing along my own clip-on overhead lamp in case their guest room wasn't so equipped. It also meant that I'd have a light burning all night long. If I did happen to wake up briefly, the mere action of reaching up to switch it off would often be enough to break my sleep cycle and there I'd be again, unable to drift off.
Well, mine is obviously a personal idiosyncrasy, but the self-illuminated, turns-itself-off iPad has proved to be a boon. That beyond all the other conveniences, like remembering where I was, instant access to word definitions and explanations of unfamiliar concepts and references, plus the ability to search texts for events and characters mentioned scores of pages beforehand whose significance might have since slipped my mind. Who was that guy again?
For online reading, the Reader function in Safari has also made my reading life easier, since I'm not obliged to struggle against formatting that I find difficult to negotiate, such as font choices and text-vs.-background issues. That prompts this little rant about the iOS 7 implementation of this feature - it no longer uses a serif font, which I personally find much easier to follow in large blocks of text than the Helvetica that replaced it.
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A wonderful combination of interesting, immediately engaging characters and situations, both completely non-hackneyed. This is a great read!
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You had the spark then, and you still have it. No, that makes it sound like you're still only just kindling... aw, screw the metaphors. This looks really good.
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I would never have guessed, as the finished product all flows together with such -apparent- ease, and with all the Dabeagle-esque qualities of characterization and incident that I always look forward to in your stories.
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Every wannabe amateur gay fiction writer should read this. No, maybe not. They'll just do their own version, but seriously.
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The series takes place in NowWhen.
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Dabeagle is the master of non-cliché situations.
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I'm always glad to see a new Dabeagle story. I just re-read Su Cuy'gar, which just further whetted my appetite. Write on, Macdog.
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So who is Martin?
So who is Martin?
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So who is Martin?
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Is it just barely possible the word 'gallimaufry' will be showing up in many stories soon?
C
I suggest an anthology of vampire-themed tales entitled "Bats in the Gallimaufry."
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Lovely. Plus I learned a new word: gallimaufry. Plus I learned all about product placement...
When Quin used the term to refer to "Camy's Shorts," what immediately popped into my mind was "Camy's Gallimaufry." Isn't that what he used to call his web site?
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A new story from Dabeagle is sure to make my day. Like this one did.
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Sequels
in Writers' Workshop
Posted
The tricky thing is avoiding putting info-dumps into "As you know, Bob" dialog. You see this even in professional writing, particularly TV and film.