[I Wish I Were A Sissy]

Hey Gabe,

Love the imagery, especially the part

I wish I were a sissy,

Another step above.

I wish I were a sissy;

Just like all the men I love.

Does this mean you tend to like the "sissy men"? If so, I'm out of luck. Damn.

In all serious, I totally understand what you're saying. Being pretty masculine, I'm often mistaken for one of those str8's. And once they find out I'm gay, I always get some kind of variation of this question, Are you sure you're gay, you look so...normal.

And on the other side of the coin, "my kind" often say I act "too" straight. Though I'm not sure what they mean by that, I usually act like an asshole. Which last time I checked, is an affliction both gays and straights suffer from.

I am always amazed by the lack of acceptance or tolerance inside the "gay community" itself. I don't like showtunes, I despise Barbara, I barely know who Judy is, and I don't use words like fabulous. I've been accused of hiding my gayness behind my love of football, my horrendous taste in clothes, and the fact that I don't like to hug the entire bar when I arrive and before I leave. At times, I've stopped going to gay bars all together because its just not worth the hassle. I mean, I'm gay, I like men, and if you don't like it, we can step outside and throw down.

Anyway, I agree with WBMS, this is one of your best.

Jason R.

[Mobile Deletion]

Mobile Deletion

By: Jason R.

I wrote all the lines in my heart

There are chunks of my life dedicated to your memory

Often I?d sit alone in the dark

Analyzing my mistakes until I?m dead inside

And yet, when Susan said it was time to let go

I listened and wrote about ?Devising my own Demise?

I embraced the fact that I was ?Nothing Like Human?

I fantasized about ?Sliding the Pain?

Had imaginary ?Conversations from the Edge of Heaven?

Realized that I was a ?Pissed Off Mother Fucker?

And mused about when ?I Was Twelve?

And yet, you are still there

I look at you every day and wonder why I just can?t do it

It would be easy, I know

Just hit delete and then you?d be gone forever

But I can?t

I?ve tried

So I continue to write

I have grandiose fights, ?Duel of Love? with you

I admit to the world, ?That?s Me Trying?

I write about ?Living (then to now)?

In a moment of weakness, I write ?Something I Can?t Have?

And I allow all to see the ?Pain Inside of Me?

And I accept my ?Spiritual Crisis?

While ?Severing Ties? with so called friends

And there you are, still

Your name above the number I know by heart

I shouldn?t even hesitate to delete you

Because I could always conjure up your number

So why do I allow you this precious place?

If I did it, just hit delete

Then it would be an admission of moving on

But I think that would be too difficult

To ?grown? up

To ?adjusted? for my lifestyle

So I sit here

Looking at you every morning

Waiting for the time I can hit delete

Hoping for the day I can purge my life

Purge my mobile phone of your number

[A Junkie's Lament]

A Junkie?s Lament

By: Jason R.

In the town of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

A scared boy paced back and forth in a hallway

This hallway was thirty feet long

And this boy would walk until he?d hit a wall

Turn

And then walk the thirty feet to the next wall

Over and over

He did this for what seemed like an eternity

His once long brown hair was cut short

Shorter than he could ever remember it being

It stuck out in every direction

Un-combed

Un washed

Hell, everything about this boy was dirty

And dark

He rubbed his hands over his scalp

As he stalked down the hallway

Softly muttering to himself

As he paced back and forth

Each time he?d pass a certain door

He?d stop

And for a few seconds

He would stare at that closed door

Then he would mutter something

And resume his pacing

His gray eyes were red and glazed over

Numerous drugs ran through his system

Causing his hands to shake from the withdrawal

So badly the boy shook

He couldn?t open his pack of cigarettes

To retrieve even that small source of comfort

As he walked

His mind raced

Questions shooting through his tattered mind

What the hell was he doing here?

He didn?t need anyone?s help

Did he?

It wasn?t like he couldn?t control his urges

And besides

He couldn?t afford to take the time off work

He was barely holding on to his job as it were

Shaking his head

He turned and walked back towards the elevator

But in mid-step

He paused

Memories flooded through the drug-induced fog

Causing him to cry out in pain

He dropped to his knees and screamed

In the middle of the hallway

As the feelings washed over him

Threatening to engulf him

Drown him

He realized he was tired of living like this

Everything that had happened to him

The sex for money

The stolen stereo?s and pawned televisions

Endless nights of living on his knees

Or on his back

It was like a fog was lifting

And he could see the depths he had sunk

?I never meant to hurt anyone.?

He tried to scream

But his weakened condition

Caused it to be nothing more than a growl

Like he had devolved into something less than human

?How did I let this get so far??

?When did I lose control of my life??

?Who is this person I see staring back at me??

?This can?t be me, can it??

He had lost weight

His once fit body resembled a corpse

His eyes, sunken in and lifeless

His ribs showed through his skin

He rubbed his hair

It felt dry and dead

Just as he felt

?When did it all go wrong??

?Nooooooooo.?

It was scream

It lasted an eternity

That door opened

A tall man stepped out into the hall

His blue eyes widened at the sight before him

He saw a sick boy on his knees

Crying the pain only a junkie knows

He rushed to the boy?s side

?What?s wrong, son??

The boy looked up through his tears

?Everything is so fucked up. I need help.?

The man smiled

?Then you?ve come to the right place.?

The boy let the man haul him to his feet

Allowed the man to usher him into a room

And into a chair

A few moments later

A tall glass of water was shoved into his hand

The boy drank

The man had noticed the boy pacing in the hall

For forty-five minutes he watched patiently

Understanding the inner struggle inside the boy

Knowing unless the boy decided to enter the office

There was nothing he could do

But wait

And now

Finally

The wait was over

He could see it in the boy?s eyes

He was through fighting

The man took the empty glass

He asked

?How long have you been using??

?Forever.?

Looking into the man?s eyes

The boy wiped his tears

?My name?s Jason. And I have a problem.?

[Finding the How]

Finding the How

By: Jason R.

This old man names Rogers

Lived on the Penn State side of town

Everyone felt he never had much to say

But at night he scribbled amazing words down

All the kids they?d all stop and stare

When that old man passed their way

And me I was just this face in the crowd

Until I finally got the nerve to say

Tell me what it takes to write with fire

Tell me what it takes to keep it real

He said there was no secret

That I had to just convey what I feel

So if I?d ever want to be good

I?d have to write with no fear

So I went back to my deepest fears

And worked through storm and thunder

And when I began pouring out the pain

I understood this spell I was under

And when that old man read my stuff

He stared right into my expectant eyes

Declaring I have what it takes to be a writer

And that my words would one day light up the sky

[Untitled]

Hey Des,

After having one of the worst days I've had in a long while, last nights posts put a smile on my face.

Thanks for putting up with my twisted sense of humor. It was appreciated and most helpful.

Thanks again.

Jason R.

[Untitled]

Hey Des,

I can tell you haven't been reading my blog. As you would have answered much

differently.

Oh damn, where is that bank manager?

*goes off to help Camy get this thread under control*

Jason R.

[Living (then and now)]

Living (then to now)

By: Jason R.

John ran with a dangerous crowd

A cocaine abuser liked punk music too loud

Said he didn?t give a shit about who he?s fucking

Jason tried to be the all-American boy next door

Did everything his father told him but he yearned for more

He wasn?t satisfied because his life wasn?t living

Then Jason looked to find a different thing

He started searching for the one to make his heart sing

He had this rebel heart looking for a restless soul

And John was just the boy to make him lose control

Jason and John made this dangerous pair

Did lines upon lines and they did it on a dare

Spent the time on their backs earning the pay

Had it all figured it out despite what friends might say

And if you asked them why, they just called it living

Jason started dealing coke out of their sixth floor flat

While John had a bed like a revolving welcome mat

These two addicts clinging to long rails of white

They were burning both ends sun and moon light

And they couldn?t tell they were just existing

A trick got rough and John did what he could

Went out and stole a gun but it didn?t do any good

After swearing to Jason he wouldn?t take any more

He went and found that trick and raised his 44

Now ten years later Jason?s in the city by the bay

Looking back on a life with nothing to say

There are times he can?t feel truly alive

And sometimes caresses his roommates 45

But in the end he knows he has to keep living

[Untitled]

Hey Des,

As a good banker, I'd have to tell you no. There will be no extensions.

But as a corrupt poet, just beginning my conquest of the world, I can always be bribed.

Let's say, you come over to my house late at night, with a leash, a bottle of peanut butter, and 13.57 in

pennies, dimes, and quarters. I'm sure we can make some kind of arrangement. But we must keep it

on the "down low".

Oh yeah, I need a tube of super glue as well.

Leaving the front door open,

Jason R.

[Untitled]

Hey Camy,

I like Duel of Love. I think that fits better than Duel in Love. As for the rest, I've had

a crappy day and thank you for making me laugh. Until I stop,

Jason R.

[Untitled]

Hey Des,

Kind of like that, Duel in Love.

Jason R.

[Untitled]

I wrote this tonight and no matter how hard I tried, I could not come up with a title. So

if anyone out there has a suggestion, I'd be happy to hear them.

Jason R.

Duel of Love

By: Jason R.

In the dark confines of a smokey bar

Where gay boys gather from afar

They have come together to this place

To see who will rule forever in this space

The symbol of this friendship war

Between the one named, John

And the broken hearted boy, to be broken no more

Enveloped by a trillion black lights

Bodies groping and touching through the night

To find a one to complete the sum

Looking for that perfect lover but finding none

And the one to decide the fate and the death

Of the one named, John

And the boy who held his breath

The audience had gathered close for this ?fight of the bars?

Friends of the broken hearted boy had arrived, shining like stars

And those that followed the one named John, squealed out

Glaring and smoking in the semi-dark, curses they shout

And for a moment, all who had gathered silence fell

Those of the one named, John

And the boy who had lived his hell

Then a cheer erupted, shouts and screams were loud

As an olive skinned boy stepped up, through the crowd

Arrogantly he pranced, his small hands held high

Trailed by his minions, more than a few queers sighed

And with that grand entrance the outcome was bleak

For the one named, John

And the boy all remembered as weak

Then John cringed, and all his minions shook in pain

As a swell of goodness flowed down, like a cleansing rain

Walking into that dark bar, there he stood awaiting this duel

Neither blinking or cringing, refusing to add fire to this fuel

And there on the finger, a silver band was a gifted ring

To the one named, John

From the boy who urged the night to sing

Then a persona, known both far and wide, appeared in all black

Brandon, the bartender, had been elected to oversee this attack

Opening the book of rules, each side hushed in awe

As the neutral one, cleared his throat, and read what he saw

As he explained, in his soft golden voice

The one named, John

And the boy knew it was he who would make the choice

?Now here?s the rules, and each of you will abide

Once you?re finished, it will be I who decide

The side who is defending, will get the first chance to speak

Then the one who feels wronged, will get the answers he seeks?

Prancing there, a smug expression and glazed eyes

Was the one named, John

As the boy steeled himself for the up-coming lies

John cried out, ?This is your last shot tonight.?

The boy just smiled, he had come prepared for a fight

?You?re dead meat boy,? John yelled with glee

Trying to mentally get the upper hand, to steal a victory

Because jeers and threats had before worked on this one

And the one named, John

Stared at the boy, confident, believing he already won

Then Brandon rang the bell, the crowd cheered, it was on

And John leaped out, making sure his blows were strong

He brought up nights of drugs and casual sex

The boy countered back saying those were things he regret

And the jabs of accusations of cheating and nights of lust

The one named, John

And the boy who still believed that life is a matter of trust

For an hour and five minutes the two battled to a draw

The boy?s hands came down, John was amazed at what he saw

An opening in the boy?s defense, he struck without a sound

The blow of indifference, sent the boy crashing to the ground

Minions roared in victory, encouraging the one still on his feet

While the one named, John

Peered at the boy, while awaiting the ten count of defeat

Brandon the bartender, turned his head

Tears fell from his eyes, signified the boy was dead

Brandon thought the boy would never bend

Yet the ten count would proclaim the battle?s end

But something caused him to tremble through his sweat

This one named, John

Knew in his heart the boy was not finished yet

Before Brandon could begin by saying, ?10?

The boy stirred and held up his bleeding chin

Staring into the eyes of the one he once loved

Somewhere in his heart, maybe from above

He realized the pain he saw in those eyes

Of the one named, John

And the boy, for the first time, broke and cried

?I?m sorry,? the boy said in quiet but calm voice

?For all the times I lied and narrowed your choice.

I know you were pushed and kept from my heart

If it?s okay with you, I?d like a new start?

And with forgiveness, and love in his stare

The one named, John

And the boy clasped hands, and left all the anger there

[That's Me Trying]

Hey Camy,

Of course I was humming. I wonder if you know the tune?

And Gabe, that's just funny man. The one thing that sticks out in my mind

about Shatner, Kaaaaahn!

Jason R.

[That's Me Trying]

Don't feel bad TR, the piece this is based on is so obscure I'm sure no one has read it.

I changed the words to fit the mood I wanted to convey. Though I kept his chorus like chant

between verses. Which is why I said I sort of wrote this piece.

Jason R.

[That's Me Trying]

I get my inspiration from numerous sources. Much like Weird Al Yankovic gets his inspiration,

for this piece, my inspiration is William Shatner. Go Captain Kirk.

That's Me Trying

By: Jason R.

I got your address from the Internet at the library

Wandered in, looked you up and you were there

Weird how it?s been the best part of fifteen years

You must be, what, in your late twenties now

If I remember

You were born in June or was it May

As I waited for you to pick up, I wonder what you?d say

Years of silence

Not enough

Who could blame us giving up

Above the quiet there?s a buzz

That?s me trying

You still singing inside churches down in Texas?

Have you told anyone?no, that?s not fair

I know I haven?t been the best of friends

I?ll hold my hand up there

The reason that I?m calling, is I miss you a great deal

Let's get a little nostalgia action going

Put the past behind us

Eat some food and drink some beer

You still talk to our family?

Catch me up on their lives

Years of silence

Not enough

Who could blame us giving up

Above the quiet there?s a buzz

That?s me trying

But I don?t want to bring up any of that bad stuff

Why I left you in that hell hole two days before graduation

I?d like to explain my actions

But I can?t

So let?s keep things easy

Stick to topics that won?t freak us out

How ?bout this

Let?s choose a book and we?ll read it before we meet

Then we can sit down at the restaurant

Have a look at the menu and talk about it while we eat

Pretend that we?ve never had a problem

So our life can be like

Easy

Uncomplicated

Cool

Let?s pretend that the past never happened

I don?t really like thriller?s anyhow

I don?t want to know if you have a boyfriend

No need to tell me where I went wrong

I don?t want to know what happened in your twenties

You wanna try ?Brokeback Mountain?

Or is that too long?

Years of silence

Not enough

Who could blame us giving up

Above the quiet there?s a buzz

That?s me trying

[A Love Story]

This was sent to me today by my very good friend. It moved me, so I figured I'd share it

with everyone at Awesome Dude. Enjoy

Jason R.

A (short) Love Story

I will seek and I shall find you...

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm

finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now all you readers, get your mind out of the gutter, and go get

your flu shot!

[Please Come With Me by: Douglas]

I read this story late last night after I got home from work and I read it again first thing this morning.

Well, this afternoon when I got up, three pm. Anyway.

Very well written, and very tense. The use of internal dialogue, one thing I dislike, is used so perfectly I forgot I was reading a story written in the first person. Very well done with a vision of a scary future I could almost see happening. Good thing I live in California.

Great job Douglas. I hope to see more pieces from you.

Jason R.

[I Devise my own Demise Conclusion]

I Devise my own Demise Conclusion

By: Jason R.

Violently he grabbed my arms

And twisted them tightly behind my back

With a hellish look in his emerald eyes

He clenched up his fist and attacked

Fingers laced with rings he beat me hard

From my shoulders to my feet

The metal sliced right through my olive skin

Just like razors through a sheet

Countless times my blood splattered

As each inhuman blow was given

From the memory of lies that mattered

He smiled as my nose was torn to ribbons

Much to his surprise I turned my head

Though the words I used were few

His face turned brighter shades of red

When I shouted out, ?Fuck you.?

Uncaringly he tossed me against the wall

And kicked my weakened form

And my blood pressure fell deathly low

Yet I could hear the sirens swarm

My face he punched and smacked

Forcing me to my knees

I fell to the floor when he kicked me in the back

Through lack of sleep and inebriation

My eyes began to swell

And weakened by my loss of blood

This liar?addict fell

And when I did my blood splattered

On the boy and on his shoe

And as he bent to wipe it off

I spat out, ?Fuck you.?

Then he took a knife from the sink

And jabbed it into my arm

He opened the door and threw me out

I realized this boy had caused me harm

Lying there in agony and torment

My body convulsed with pain

I tilted my face towards the stars

Slipping towards the insane

In a moment of clarity I finally knew

The price for all the hate I had carried

Before that time or since

I made a statement that to this day

Caused the boy I once loved to wince

I said, ?I?ll never love you now no matter what you do.?

And as I blacked out and slipped into darkness

The last words he heard was, ?John, fuck you.?

[I Devise my own Demise Part Four]

I Devise my own Demise Part Four

By: Jason R.

Maybe it was the madness that I let reign

Maybe it was the innocence I lost when I came

Maybe it was the feelings sucked through the drain

Maybe it was the heartache of love quite insane

Maybe it was the ocean that gave me these tears

Maybe it was the moonlight so far yet so near

Maybe it was the sunshine that stripped all the gears

Maybe it was the lust that banished all fears

Maybe it was the moment of something masculine

Maybe it was the desire for life more feminine

Maybe it was the illusion of one true friend

Maybe it was the past repeating all over again

Maybe it was the fear of us saying goodbye

Maybe it was the self-destructing gleam in your eye

Maybe it was the sameness I heard in your lies

Maybe it was the tears that fell as you cry

Maybe it was the highs that together we achieve

Maybe it was the mountain resting on your sleeve

Maybe it was the promise that you?d never leave

Maybe it was the connection we had as we grieve

Maybe it was the motion of standing in this place

Maybe it was the refusal to grant emotional space

Maybe it was the past neither of us could erase

Maybe it was the searching to let love replace

[I Devise my own Demise Part Three]

I Devise my own Demise Part Three

By: Jason R.

It?s like I temporarily lost my mind

It?s true what they say infatuation is blind

But as I watched you walk back into my life

Little did I know we would end in strife

But as we talked amongst the stars

Like a complicated dance, two fighters that spar

The truth never entered into our conversation

Sex was the prize and intended manipulation

As we flirted and talked late into the night

Vodka and cigarettes under moonlight

My intent was to charm and seduce a straight boy

For you I was a living, breathing sex toy

You were the beginning of love I can?t escape

Your eyes the anchor, the pathway to hate

Drama surrounds us as we chase the extremes

Loving you was like living in a dream

For I was young and filled with passion

You were a whore and laughed at my reaction

Even though inside your embrace I felt warm

It was the eye of a hurricane, stillness before the storm

[I Devise my own Demise Part Two]

I Devise my Own Demise Part Two

By: Jason R.

It?s a rainy evening and I feel so fine

Because you?re in my heart and inside my mind

I think I?m falling into love with you

Kiss and flirt a little, I know you feel it too

In the moonlight, as the rain it falls

We can last forever, tear down the walls

Do not question it, just go with the flow

In my water garden, reap the things we sow

Heartbeats pounding faster, as we embrace

Our bodies shift in motion, I like the way you taste

I know the way you feel, much like getting high

Painted orange and red, into an unknown sky

I?ve got this burning feeling, ain?t no false alarm

I?m content beside you, wrapped up in your arms

And when the sun is shining, there is no more rain

I?m a brand new creature, happiness instead of pain

On my bed of roses, rest your head awhile

I?ll kiss you so sweetly, get lost in your smile

Every waking moment I will give to you

I want to spend my life getting off on you

[A Letter to My Son, Another Letter to My Son]

Graeme,

I had read both pieces a few months ago and enjoyed the oblivion of the father.

But when I listened to you read the piece, the amusement in your voice as you read

the piece added so many levels of enjoyment. I picture the father to be somewhat

out of touch or maybe in denial but good hearted and filled with love.

By the way, you sound a lot like my Executive Chef. His voice sounds sexy too.

Jason R.

[a drunken ode to DAn]

I knew a Dan once, you know, in the biblical sense. Oddly enough, I too was

drunk at the time. I wonder what it is with boys named Dan?

Jason R.

[I Devise my own Demise]

I Devise my Own Demise Part One

By: Jason R.

I remember that first day we met

I was sitting on the porch

A cigarette dangling from my mouth

A Molson Canadian in my hand

You were there with your friend

A female and an attractive one

I thought what a waste

You were silent as she spoke to me

Inquiring about the room for rent

But I only had eyes for you

You made my pulse quicken

My thoughts scattered like the wind

From your intense emerald gaze

An instant connection we shared

I sent her inside to speak to the landlord

You remained outside with me

You asked for a cigarette

Though you claimed you were trying to quit

A small wicker bench

You sat down beside me

Our legs touching?electric

As we talked and smoked in the sun

I became fascinated by your lips

Or perhaps your entire mouth

And each time you laughed

A sound so infectious

You drew me in with fits of giggles

It was instant between us

For over an hour we sat on that porch

Comfortable like two old friends chatting

Yet all to soon it was time for you to go

For you lived in Pittsburgh

And I lived in Harrisburg

So we said a sad goodbye

And I watched you walk away

I thought I would never see you again

Such sadness from a random encounter

How gay was I sitting there

Watching the most interesting guy walk away

Without asking for a phone number

And email address or anything

I only knew your name?John

[wake me when I'm crying]

I love the title. I wish I would have thought of it first.

[Poetry 'performance' - a question]

PS. Ahem, The Midnight Chime isn't a vampire tale in that no one drinks blood, though it is a gothic style horror story with more than a bit of the erotic thrown in. I think he's more of a ghost than the undead, though he is the undead dead, at least for the hour before midnight.

TR,

I refuse to believe Midnight Chime isn't a vampire tale.

*walks away into the night whistling blissfully ignorant*

Jason