[Zombie]

rose: clincial . . . what did you mean? there's not enough emotion? or I spent too much time on glomerular filtration rates? ...and the transitional parts. what did you mean by that, too?

on a side note (kind of): talked to someone else who'd read the excerpt and she needed some info to clarify some questions. so, in an attempt to help you out, here's a list of charecters.

Kenny: 18, older brother of Clive, NARRATOR

Clive: 13, Kenny's younger brother

Dad: Age Undetermined, father of Kenny and Clive

George: Age Undetermined, father of Avery and Rodney

Avery: Approximately 13, Younger brother of Rodney

Rodney: Approximately 18, Avery's older brother

Dr. Robertson: 40-something, Medical Doctor, Scientist responsible for creating the "cure" for HIV/AIDS

maybe after the whole thing's done I'll tell you what happened to Rodney and why he's different than everyone else. I think you can figure it out, though. but for now, "loose lips sink ships"

I suppose I confused you huh? To be quite honest, I confused myself with that post. Sorry.

Okay, let's see if I can't get this right now, shall we?

When I talk transitional, I mean the parts that lead up to the parts of the story that ends with the climax. To be precise, the parts that you read that tells the reader what is around them, the time, the area around the character, ect.

It's clinical. It reads like a monotone to me. I'm not sure about the others, but I have this habit of wanting to see emotion.

I suppose I should explain what emotion means to me when it comes to a story. Emotion to me is the detail work and the way it's written. I've read many, many, many stories, thousands in fact, but only really read a few great stories in my life time. The difference between the great stories and the good stories, is the way the writer describes something.

Let's see. Take this part:

It didn?t look like they had finished cleaning. In the center of a room, there was a lone chair, overturned. I walked past, to the elevators. The second floor cafeteria was dark, as the elevator went past. But I could see a few people rummaging around in the fruit bin. The laboratory looked like a mess.

I can see it, but I can't feel it, like I can feel the rest of the story. This is a transitional scene. You are taking your character from one part to another. Add a bit more meat otherwise it sounds like the character is bored and not scared that something might just jump out and rip his head off. It's like it's a skeleton or something I would write out in an outline.

The entire paragraph leaves me with questions like 'How dark or dim is it?', 'What does the chair look like?', 'Are there tables or trash on the floor?', ect.

I'm not saying overload it with details, just add a bit more detail. Just my thoughts.

I hope that you really don't feel insulted or anything. I don't want to insult you or make you mad.

[90% of all e-mail is spam]

My spam folders get a work out, on all three of my e-mail accounts. Though, I do have to say, I miss those offers to increse my bust size. *snickers*

[Zombie]

I rather like it to. It's an interesting concept and it does make you want to read more, as long as you have the stomach for it.l

I did feel like it was more clinical then anything. It did make me want a bit more detail with teh transitional parts, but it's still very good and has some great potential.

That's my thoughts though.

Good luck with your writing.

Rose

[*Peeks in*]

I didn't make you. I simply made a suggestion. :p Welcome Rose!

I suppose I should have warned you that when given a suggestion about a site, I look and if I like, I join?

Thanks anyways, sweet thing.

Hi Rose,

Nice to see you here.

Thanks. ^_^ It's nice to be here. Now, let's see what I can contribute to, shall we?

[Rose Strailo's Flash Stories]

Here's a link to an awesome writer of Flash Stories. Her stories are one of a kind and a great read.

Check her site out here

*stumbles into area* *reads* Oh boy. I didn't even know that BK put this here! Well, to all those who read, thank you. *Holds up glass with smile*

[*Peeks in*]

Welcome Rose, It's nice to see you here.

I'm the resident orangutan. I'm quite harmless.

You sound like you will fit in quite well.

You don't have to be silly and goofy to be here, but it sure helps at times.

Anyway have fun and don't hesitate to join in the discussions.

Thank you. ^_^ It's nice to be here. I've seen that I do know others here and it's nice to see familiar faces (or as much as a familiar name).

*bounces off to pounce her friends*

[*Peeks in*]

Okay, so I'm new to this forum, so if I'm wrong on where to put this, then tell me. (Tiger made me do it)

Anyways, I'm happy to be here and hope that I can contribute as much as possible. I'm silly and rather goofy and my thought process may make several people tilt there head to the side and go "Huh?" but all around, I'm a nice girl with a strong personality...

That's all I suppose...

Rose