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Manic Mike

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Blog Entries posted by Manic Mike

  1. Manic Mike

    Changes

    By Manic Mike,

    What a difference just a few weeks can make had you told that I'd be where I am now I wouldn't have believed you. For those of you who've read my Blog Fear know that me getting up there and singing Stand by Me at the local gay bar in Pontiac,Mi was a life changing event, but how much I had no idea. See following that night ever since things have just kinda fell into place. For starters I'm currently in the process of getting rid of the breathing tube I've had since I was 6. basically the first chapter of The Phoenix Diaries was autobiographical( sans the dream sequence). Anyways like after I got back from liberty bar (on n Saginaw St if any of you guys are in the north Oakland county area of Michigan). And like I just felt literally on fire. So the next day I decided to try capping off the tube(blocking off the opening so I'm forced to breath through my nose and mouth).
    Anyways at first I was kind of difficult and I only lasted about an hour, but I kept at everyday and now it's been almost two weeks that I've been breathing without the tube. And you know what it feels nice and kind of weird(using a whole lot of muscles I have used in ages) . So while this was going on I also discovered I could actually talk and not the clicking type thing I used to do, but real vocalizations and everything :D. so I've already been to my doctor's and ENT(eyes,ears, nose and throat) and am in the process of scheduling reconstructive surgery to reverse it. With any lucky I'll be free of this thing after almost 20 years. So yeah I'm loving being me right now and have noticed the effect it had on me.
    Like before when I wrote it was always this chore because I didn't think what I wrote was good enough, right? So I was in Ferndale, one of the major LGBT hot spots in Michigan, for an appointment with the optometrist so I could get my license reinstated(had one too many points on it and it got suspended). So afterward I'm walking around just exploring a bit and come to this used book and decide to get a few on writing and the one book in particular that has really helped to get in touch with my inner writer is If You Want To Write by Brenda Ueland. It's like she so gets what it's like to be a new writer and I've taken her advice to write for the sake of your own enjoyment to heart. and because of this book and the changes I've kinda been through lately I decided to write an autobiography and have been hella busy lining up interviews with my old doctors, nurses, teachers, etc and in the process I'm finding out about myself you know. Because of the impact that writing has had on me recently I decided to alter my degree so I can combine my love of physics with creative writing and then go to graduate school and become a physics teacher on either the middle school or high school level. Well a big thanks to all you guys who have given me warm words of welcome and criticism where need be (mark ).
  2. Manic Mike

    Fear

    By Manic Mike,

    So I went out tonight on a whim to the gay bar near my house. They were doing karaoke so I decided what the tell and put my name in the cue and waited my turn. Now I've been there plenty of times but always chickened out because I can't talk all that well. So as my turn approached I started panicking. What if they laugh at me? What if I mess up the words, etc. So when the DJ called my name I took a deep breath and started to sing Stand by Me. At first no one could hear because my voice was so weak, but after the DJ restarted the song I did better. Now my performance wouldn't have won any awards, but you know I had fun and took a major step in conquering my fear of talking in public. As I was leaving I got to thinking, What was I so afraid of? I have no more control of how people react than I do over the fact I'm black or that I'm bisexual. So my question to you is this: Why let fear rule us? How many times have you not done something because you were afraid of what might happen. How many times have we not gone after that special someone; how many times have we not wrote that story because we were afraid we weren't good enough to pull it off? FDR was right, the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself: living meaningless lives because we don't go after what we want.
  3. Manic Mike

    Why I Write

    By Manic Mike,

    I write for everyone who has ever felt stepped on, left out, isolated and unloved. I write so people will know that I have a voice; that I am still here, standing proud despite everything I've been through. But most importantly I write to tell that lonely kid out there who's thinking about killing himself: YOU MATTER, NEVER SURRENDER!
    The path each of us must walk is seldom clear or easy. And though we may lose our way we must continue forward, using the knowledge and gifts given to us to light the way.
  4. Manic Mike
    So it's been awhile since I last wrote a blog and in the time a lot has happened. For starters I've been crazy busy trying to get my screen printing business up and running and let me tell it can be such a pain in mien hinny. Like the bulk of the problems I'm having is getting the designs to transfer from the transparencies to the screens and getting them printed with out smudging the ink. I've been experimenting with ways to cut down prep time like "baking the screens in the oven to dry them faster and also using cotton swabs to make sure the lettering and images are highly detailed. yeah it takes forever this way but I think my customers will appreciate the hard work that I put into them. So I did up one that said: "TEAM EDWARD? TEAM JACOB? HOW'S ABOUT TEAM WHO-GIVES-A-FUCK?" Took me like 2 hours and a ton of Q-tips to get the lettering right and by the time I was done it's like 7pm so I put it into the drying machine then went to get ready to go out. I was all geeked and went about my routine and as I was about to put my shirt on my $300 pair of D&G glasses fell into the heating vent by the shower. So naturally I was PISSED so I texted my friend Chad and he was like, "Lol, maybe it's a sign you shouldn't go out tonight." So we spent the rest of the night catching it up.
    Now I met Chad a few months back on this hook up site called adam4adam, anyways we talked like once and didn't really click so a few months went by and I signed into yahoo and Chad IMed me and was like, "Hey there stranger long time no chat." Now I had no idea who he was and confused him with like 3 or 4 other guys I'd talked to. He was a good sport about it and because of this the ice was broken and we kinda just clicked. It turned out he was also into writing and was an education major at WMU. Without intending to I opened up to him about being being sick as a kid and how I was suicidal for the longest time. And he was cool as shit about it and way sweet too. So we exchanged cell numbers and started texting like crazy. Memorial Weekend came and I went to my parents' house in Inkster. so as I rode in the front seat with Dad when Chad texted me and said,"I so wanna blow you." I busted out laughing and showed my mom the text and she started laughing too. So later he texted me again and was like, "There's something I have to tell you and please don't get mad."
    I thought: OK dude is about to say he's just not that into me. It turned out he wanted to tell me his real name because up until that point he said his name was Chris. So I was a bit taken back by this and asked him why he lied to me. He said it was because he was scared I might be some psycho killer or something. Which I totally understood where he was coming from since the whole Craig's List Killer thing went down. So I told him, "Now sweat man it's all good." So we continued texting and it turned out he stayed not that far from my parents' house and we scheduled to meet up Memorial Day at a local park 3 miles away. So the day finally came (just like your mom) and I told my parents what was up and they were cool with it. At like 11am or so the weather took a turn for the worst and Chad texted me and was like, " Sorry dude we're gonna have to reschedule our date :-( " So I was way bummed out and did what I normally did in these situations: pigged out.
    Like the roles are kinda reversed in my family. Dad is usually the one stuck doing the cooking for holidays and special events, while Mom may step into the kitchen to make deviled eggs or her double baked Lasagna if she's feeling particularly generous. Seriously growing up she like only knew two basic recipes: spaghetti with meat sauce and lasagna (I swear she has to be part Italian; wouldn't surprise me at all tho considering she has German, Polish, Dutch, and Cherokee in her.) so dad made his homemade baked Mac'n Chesse as well as the standard honey glazed ham, hot dogs, potato salad(with Miracle Whip, not mayo you sick freaks ), and brat wursts. Now I'm normally not that big a fan of meat(get your heads out of the gutter) and normally eat one or two hot dogs and just fill up on sides, but I decided what hell and tried a brat. I tentatively bit into it and my first thought was: damn this is good, like a giant sausage(duh which it was. Again get your minds out the gutter.). so I had two more brats a second helping of potato salad and macaroni and I was stuffed and the "itis" took full effect so I went upstairs and mucked around face book for awhile (I'm Tyerone Mike Johnson on there for those of you so inclined to add me ) and got some work done on the Phoenix Diaries (for those of you wondering I rewrote the first and second chapters and am up to chapter six and could really use a new editor. I sent chapters 1-4 to the guy who agreed to be my editor but he only commented on the revised first chapter and I haven't heard back from him in weeks now.). And then I googled some stuff about my old home town back in German (Bindlach aka the rock, called so because it's up in the Bavarian mountains ). This led me to do a mini interview with Dad about his military police unit over there and what not for the autobiography I'm also working on.
    Anyways the next day my parents took me to my old high school to try and locate some of my old teachers. Turned out they had all retired and the people at the office were no help at all. So later my dad took me back to my apartment at WSU and I later realized I misplaced my flash drive and checkbook so I was scrambled between campus and my house in Pontiac and tried to track it down. Eventually I came to the conclusion I must have lost it somewhere as it was nowhere to be found at either of my places or my parents' place. So I went to the bank and had them place a hold on the account and opened a new one and placed most of the funds from the old into it just to be on the safe side. The last time I had checks stolen/misplaced someone took me for over $23,000 us and my bank refused to reimburse me so I had charges pressed against the person in question and she was ordered to pay restitution as part of her parole but only $7,00 was recovered from her accounts. I've yet to receive full restitution.
    While I dealt with that mini-crisis Chad stopped texting me are returning my texts. I got totally bummed because I thought he was so into me and I was into him tons too. I texted him one last time: "Dude WTF? I thought you liked me? If you don't respond back I'll assume you weren't that into me and move on."
    A few days went by and I decided I'd given him ample time so I moved on and started talking to a ton of other guys and hooked with some of them in the process. I met a way cool guy named Patrick who is a civil engineer so we had Physics in common and we started flirting back and forth online. I asked him out one night and he said he was "just into chatting right now," so we did the friends thing for two weeks til I replied that's what your mom said when I effed her in the a. He was not happy (Gee, I wonder why? ). And I haven't heard from him since.
    Three days after the blow up with Pat (the 17th) I got a text from someone in the 734 area code. At first I replied back, "Who's this?" I later recognized the area code because my parents' number also used 734. I replied, " sup?" to see what he'd reply back with, so we talked a bit and I replied, "So what you been up to ?"
    " NM just dealing with a shitty phone, u ?"
    It turned out his phone had been on the fritz for the past few weeks and he only just now got it to work. Now my BS detector went off like crazy so I then regaled him with tales of my sexual exploits to see what his reaction would be. He basically called me a man-hoe and I told him," Hey lets get something straight, I aint a whore. The guys I hooked up with were the hoes. I was just getting my dick wet. I'd be nice to find someone who could handle my anaconda though."
    "yeah :-)"
    "Lol and you think you can handle it, hmm Chad?"
    "Probably."
    "Like joining the marines, many have tired(sic) few have sessceeded(sic)."
    " :-) "
    "Lol well you're more than welcome to try dude."
    "Thats (sic) not my objective. But you dont (sic) want something deeper?"
    "Yeah I ultimately want something long term. It be nice to have someone to cuddle up with and kiss after a long day."
    "Thats (sic) what i(sic) would want you to be."
    "K well like I totally thought you bailed on me abd (sic) sorta moved on but if you want something more than a hook up then I'm all for it but like not right off the bat. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with my first bf by rushing things. That ok?"
    "there is no mistake but if you wanna do it right we can but you need to stop hoeing yourself no offense i(sic) know you like sex but thats(sic) risky."
    "Yeah I know but I always use protection and yeah if you want something serious then I'm done being a man-hoe ok, " I replied back and then told him about Patrick and asked him if he wanted to meet in the park like we originally planned and he said yes So the next day he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was dealing with some drama from my fraternity.
    Due to a massive failure in communications the current VP and president were pissed at me for organizing a fraternity event tho technically I'm not a pledge (long story short I de-pledged at the end of the Winter term). One of my bros hit me up on face book the night before and said he'd been hyping the Movie Night idea I had suggested on the wiki page I made for them(another reason they were mad at me it turned out.) and they planned the first one for Friday and he asked me where we were going to show it; what we were going to watch, etc. And I replied, "Well this is all news to me, I had planned for it after I re-pledged and could get things set up in advance instead of at the last minute."
    "Oh," was his reply. So as to not make him look like a complete fool to the others I went ahead and was like well let's see about holding it in the student center and we could use my PS3, flat screen TV and watch my copy of Avatar on Blue-ray disc. So I contacted a few guys to see what they were doing and thought to save time by just posting it as an event and sent invites to all the guys I didn't talk to yet. Imagine my surprise at 4am the next morning when I got a message from the Brotherhood Chairman(A guy I don't even know all that well) in which he chewed me out. So I put him in his place and told him straight what the deal was and how he was being used as a messenger boy. Then he replied back saying how he was just tryied to save the event from being canceled and that there was no need to make this personal. He laid into me for assuming he was a "younging when he was about my my age. Now in my defense he is shorter than my 5'10 and looks younger and even though I saw him drinking alcohol under age drinking is something that does go on in our group all the time. So I apologized to him and pointed out this would never had blown up if (A) I knew him better and (B) had the VP and President, guys I know personally and in the case of the VP I see all the time in the gym, just posted something on my wall, called or texted me. So I shoot them off messages telling them in the future if they had issues with me then come to ME personally. So they replied back to me and were like, "You're lucky Mroz messaged you because we were going to shut it(Movie Night) down ASAP if he hadn't stepped in on your behalf," Then they went on these tangents abou thow I hadn't respected them, that they were very busy and that I hadn't changed etc. So I replied back to their emails and kept things cordial but made my points.
    Firstly they weren't the only ones who were busy, yet I found time in my schedule to try and squash this problem in the bud when it came to my attention. Secondly the whole incident could have been avoided had they just took thirty seconds to IM or text me. And finally I laid into them for the continued lack of organization.
    Now as a non-pledge I didn't "expect to be kept in the loop on every little thing that went on in the group," as the VP accused me of in his reply. But by the same token I had to find out they were planning an event I suggested at the last minute and then when I tried to do my friend a favor they then wanted to ban me from said event? I don't think so. So I told them point blank you guys aren't the only fraternity on campus and if you're going to waste my time with BS then I'll join up with your rivals Pi Kappa Alpha(Pike) because, say what you will about them they have their stuff together and actually care about their guys. Because before I decided to pledge Alpha Sigma Phi I went to several of the Pikes' events but ultimately decided on Alpha Sig because of their motto: to better the man and because they seemed like good guys even though we really didn't know each other all the well because the colony had just started up that term. But in hindsight maybe I should have stuck with the Pikes because at the first event I went to ( a toga party were I rocked this sweet blue bed spread as a toga), you know what? They actually took the time to ask me how I got the breathing tube and where I was from and they even had a guy walk me back to my motel room after the party wound down. Not like the alpha sigs who are so cliqued up it's not funny. Some of them think I'm like this gang banger and that's why I have the breathing tube, which completely not the case at all. The last straw for me was when we were at this event for Greek Week and no one there knew my last name! It's only the most common one ever. Yes I know communication is a two way street and I've tried hanging out with some of the guys I'm not that close with in an attempt to get to know them better but you know what? A lot of the time they blew me to hang with their other friends.
    Throughout my bitch-fest Chad was a freaking super star and replied back after my epic long text, "That sucks see you need a man :-) not a group."
    So I vented a bit more and he was good natured about it then like there was a pause on his end of the conversation. I replied back again then got scared thinking he'd pulled another vanishing act on me again so I'm replied back, "but w/e sorry to bore you with my drama."
    Five hours later he replied back with, "fell asleep sorry what you up too(sic)?" thinking that he was playing games with me told him I was getting ready to hit the club and he said he was chilling watching a horror movie (Child's play 3). I told him how when I was younger I basically was raised by horror movies. I was always stuck home ,or at hospital sick and was such an antisocial little creep who didn't have anyone to hang with.
    "Aww," he replied.
    "Hey it's all good bro what doesn't kill ya, aint trying hard enough ;)"
    "True :-)"
    So we chatted back and forth as I finished getting ready to go and then I dropped my glasses down what I know now was a heating vent. Yeah I was pissed . several fbombs later I texted Chad and that was when he replied,"Maybe its(sic) a sign not to go out tonight?"
    "Her ya think :)"
    "I do :-) "
    So we spent the rest of the night texting away. And at one point because he kept replying back with one or two word replies I texted him,"Lol you're a right shakespere (sic) :p"
    "I am lol"
    "Oh wow THREE words :-P I kind your(sic) one of the good ones"
    " :-) "
    Then I sent him a pic of me in my other pair of glasses (shades). Then we started started talking about movies and I mentioned how funny I thought The Hangover was and he replied back with his standard, "ya :-)"
    "And I'd give up forever to touch you cuz I know that you feel me somehow"
    "What Lol"
    "What you never heard iris by the goo goo dolls?"
    "I have :-)"
    " :-) and I don't want the world to see me cuz I just don't think they'd understand when everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am"
    "Lol :-)"
    "Lol yeah I kinda have it memorized"
    "Aww :-)"
    "Lol what can I say deep down inside I'm just a hopeless romantic and if ya tell anybody I'll break ya knee caps :-)"
    And this exchange led to the discuss of our sexual histories and like I told Chad since I was about 18 I've only been with 15 partners(12 guys,but only 3 girls. Not for lack of trying mind you) And the majority of those it was either just mutual masturbation or oral and the few times I have had intercourse with both sexes I've always used protection. So then he mentioned how "We're going to have to change the bare part."
    "Lol what?"
    "The Bare back"
    " Oh lol nope dude safe only unless youre(sic) serious about us staying together long term then yeah I would bare back with you if we both came back clean"
    "Yup"
    "Good :)"
    ":-)"
    "Ok(sic) so now that that's settled um like are you a top bottom verse?"
    "Verse"
    "Good me too. Tho I never bottomed before and just recently topped a guy.'
    "Ah," was his reply and so I told about my first boyfriend how after 8 months together he barely wanted to touch me yet wanted me to perform oral favors on him shall we say. Like I wanted him to top me but he was so sexually repressed what with being Italian-Catholic that he didn't even masturbate before we meet.
    Chad and I texted late into the night. Saturday rolled around and he ignored my texts again. I decided to go out instead of waiting on him to make up his mind. So I went back to the Liberty Bar for a bit then hit Tonic down the street and let me tell you the girls and some of the guys in there were hot as hell. So I had a dilemma here: on the one hand Chad had ignored me again and I was knee deep in sexy ladies ripe for the taking. On the other hand I liked him and was falling for him hard and didn't want to jeopardize us having something meaningful for a half hour of pleasure with someone I'd probably never seen again. So I decided OK I'll dance with them but no grinding or making out. Let me tell ya that was utter torture. There where times I had to hold myself back from strong arming a few girls and this hot ass emo-looking guy.
    I got home around 1:30am , ate a turkey and cheese sub and a protein bar and texted Chad again I basically told him I needed some clarification and we needed to set ground rules because I told him what happened at the club. He replied back Sunday Afternoon and It turned out he'd used up all his minutes texting me this month and had to buy more, so I was like, "Well I don't want you going broke cuz of me so do you have facebook or yahoo? We could talk on there instead."
    "Yeah," hereplied and we began another round of texts. Eventually I asked if it was cool if I called him sometime and he was said,"Sure though it still charges per minute but it's cheaper than texting."
    There came another lull in our conversation but this time I didn't freak out so when he texted me in the middle of my work out session I got a hold of him and just discussed some concerns I had about us. How we haven't met yet but were already talking about getting serious and like how it reminded me all too much about what happened with me and the ex. And how I didn't want the same things to happened with us. Then I told about my plans for grad school and a bit about the books I'm working on.
    His reply to my massive text was this:
    "We will be fine:-) ya your body is mine now :-) so no more playing [the] field :-)"
    "Lol aren't you getting a little a head of yourself what if when we meet I think yur(sic) fugly? Lol just kiding(sic) im(sic) not THAT shallow hell if anything you prolly be like that to me not that it matters mind ya cuz i got hoes in different area codes(seriously there was this one dude from clevland... (sic) that was like willing to drive 90 minutes just to blow me). But my days of man going(sic. should be hoeing) is over I guess. Well that goes double for you too mister. God I had(sic. should be hate) auto-correct typing on my iPhone like no I did not mean to spell he'll but hell."
    ":-) not at all getting ahead will(sic) be close bfs doing it as much as possible :-)"
    And so we texted more through out the day then went into another lull that ended right around the time my mom, younger brother(7), sister(23) and her son(4) came to help me make up some shirts. Now my sister ripped on me for now having things already set up. Guilty, was so wrapped up in texting then working out that I lost track of time. So they stayed there from like 3 then about six and I told them I'd call or text next time I wanted them to come. So I popped online and checked my Wayne State Webmail and saw I had a few messages from the various hook up sites I used to use so I updated my profiles and said I was just looking for friends. Then I went over to facebook and updated my status to read: I swear like the shadow beside you I'll be there for better of worse till death do us part I'll love you with every beat of heart. Now my sister commented: "& remind me Y u Stopped writing poetry again?"
    Now I told her those were, "lyrics from I swear by all4one a boy band from back in the day," and that, "I stopped writing poetry the same reason I stopped writing together. cuz I thought everything I wrote was crap."
    So I then went over the essay questions (4 of them, 500 words each) due this Thursday for my Introduction to Anthropology class and then looked up the required texts and put them on hold at the campus library; I am currently awaiting their reply. Chad texted me again and asked what Iwas doing. I said I was, "just watching TV and planned to do a bit of writing" then if it was cool with him if I called him later. His reply was, "that cool," and, "when do plan on calling?" I told him, "I could call now if you aren't busy?"
    " Lol I'm just one handed :-)" (note: I sent him a picture of mien cock at his request and he likey Mikey.)
    "Lol you pervert. Master of your own domain eh"
    ":-)"
    " So u want me to leave ya alone with yur(sic) thoughts for awhile hmmm :)"
    "Or join in :-)"
    "I would if I had some inspiration hint hint"
    "My voice should be inspiration be inspiration enough lol"
    "Oh no mister you owe me some pics that was the deal"
    "Yeah I do when it decides to send"
    "Right me thinks someone's a scardie(sic) cat :p "
    ":-) no"
    "Mmhhmm"
    ":-)"
    so I was about this point I decided what the hell and called Chad. All bravado aside I was a little shy about talking on the phone with him and yeah there were times he couldn't understand me and I had to repeat myself but like he was even funnier in person and while we stumbled a bit we still had the same chemistry as we did texting so I asked when he was free and he said any time after say Tuesday so I asked him to meet me in the park this Saturday( The one we originally intended to meet at on Memorial Day.). And he said yes. So I told him I'd call later and we hung up. And that's how I now have a kinda sorta boyfriend.
  5. Manic Mike

    Manhood

    By Manic Mike,

    Working on my latest story brought back all these memories from when I was a kid and got me thinking. What does it means to be a man? the following is my attempt to answer that question.
    A man does not turn his back on his friends or break his word. He finishes what he starts. A man does not run when things get difficult. He stands and faces what lies in his path, steadfast in the knowledge that no matter what, he gave it his all. He does not let pride stop him from asking for help when he needs it. He sees a problem and fixes it. He knows when to lead and when to follow. He knows respect must be earned before it can be given. He admits when he is wrong and does not gloat when he is right. He humbles himself before his god, country and family and defends them until his last breath. He analyzes his weaknesses, improving them where he can, and accepts where he cannot. A man knows that true strength isn’t measured by muscles, but comes from within. He knows when to be strict and when to be lenient. He does not confess with his mouth, what his heart knows to be untrue. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. But most importantly a man speaks up when the situation calls for it and remains silent when it does not.

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