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A Few More Sentences


Jason Rimbaud

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A Few More Sentences

The house was dark and at first glance he didn't think Scott was there though his car was parked in the garage. But upon closer inspection, he saw the outline of the blond sitting out on the balcony staring up into the night sky. He didn't think he could cry anymore, but the sight of his boyfriend caused the tears to once again cascade down his cheeks. Willing the tears to stop, he wiped them away with the back of his hand and went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of vodka. Filling up a glass, he walked outside and leaned against the rail.

He could feel Scott's eyes on him, boring a hole in his back. He lifted the glass to his lips and drank deeply, the clear liquid falling down the sides of his mouth.

Scott spoke, "That isn't going to help you know."

Spinning around, his blue eyes filled with anger, he said, "Fuck you."

"It's your stomach," Scott said, shrugging leaning back further into the chair. The darkness hiding the pain in his eyes.

Justin threw the glass out into the night, a few moments later he heard the sounds of the glass shattering somewhere below. He asked, "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing," Scott said in a quiet voice.

Throwing his hands in the air, Justin asked, "Is there someone else?"

"No," Scott answered immediately, surprised by the certainity of his voice. "There could never be anyone else but you."

"Then why?" Justin asked, sinking to his knees in front of the chair, his hands clutching Scott's knees tightly. "Don't you love me?"

Tucking his hair behind his ear, Scott caressed Justin's cheek, saying, "Of course I love you."

"Then why did you say no?"

Scott could not meet Justin's gaze, he looked so childlike, his eyes big and full of pain. Scott said, "It's hard to explain." His tears began falling down.

"Tell me please," Justin begged.

Searching for the right words, but knowing no matter which words he chose, Justin would never understand. Again he wondered if he should have just said yes. A part of him wanted to marry Justin, someday, but not like this. Not without something to offer in return. But that voice inside the back of his head urged him to tell the truth. Sighing, he stated, "Well, for one thing, I don't really believe in marriage."

"What?" Justin asked, a confused look on his face. "What do you mean?"

"Justin, even if I were straight, and you were a girl. I wouldn't marry you." Scott said in a soft voice. Though immediately he wished he hadn't said them like that. Justin's face darkened, his temper rising fast. Scott continued quickly, "That's not what I meant. I just don't see the point of going through a ceremony that wouldn't even be legal. I love you, you love me, can't we just leave it at that and spend the rest of our lives together? Why do people think they have to say an "I do"?"

"It's about a commitment," Justin said, trying hard to force the anger from his voice. "It's about standing in front of a group of friends and acknowledging our love for each other."

"Have you ever doubted my love?" Scott asked, slumping in the chair.

"Not until tonight," Justin replied, standing up and walking back to the railing.

"How can you say that?" Scott yelled out, standing up in his anger.

"In front of everyone, I asked you to marry me, and you...you said no," Justin explained. "How the fuck did you think I was going to feel?"

"Just because I don't want to marry you doesn't mean I don't love you."

"I know, it just means you don't want any strings," Justin said, turning to face his lover. "You'll only love me on your terms, but not on mine."

"That's bullshit, and you know it."

"Is it?" Justin asked, his fists clenched tight. "After everything we've been through. All the bullshit that happened with Michael, all the shit that happened with your band, don't you think...you owe me...you owe me this little thing?"

"Owe you?" Scott shouted out. "That' the problem, I feel like I owe you everything."

That caught him by surprise and for a moment, Justin stared at him. "What?"

"All this," Scott said, waving his arms around him. "This isn't my house, it's your house. The car I drive, even the fucking clothes I wear aren't mine. How could I marry you when I have nothing to offer?"

Justin groaned and rolled his eyes. Everything came back to this tired argument. He said, "How many times have I told you, that what I have is yours?"

"That's not me," Scott intoned. "I can't keep living my life on your good graces. It drives me crazy having you buy me stuff. I can't even buy a pair of shoes without first getting money from you."

"You don't seem to have any problems getting money to go drinking," Justin spat. "Or using my money to make your fucking record."

"That's beneath you." Scott said in a quiet voice, ignoring the tears falling down his cheeks. He turned away and headed inside. Justin followed him and grabbed his arm roughly. Scott spun around and pushed the man hard on the couch, his arm raised back, his fist closed tightly. Anger flashed in his eyes and Justin realized he had went to far. Closing his eyes, he waited for the blow to drop.

"Damnit," Scott yelled, punching a pillow next to Justin's head. "I didn't want this to happen again." For a moment thinking back to the time he lost his temper in a herion induced rage and hit his best friend, Shelia.

Justin stared at him, his eyes wide and filled with fear. And when Scott collapsed next to him on the couch, he breathed easy. Hearing Scott mumbling something, he reached out to touch him, yet was shocked when Scott whispered, "Don't."

Scott stood up and headed for the front door, his shoulders slumped. Justin called out, "Where are you going?"

"I don't know, but if I stay, I might do something neither one of us can forgive," Scott replied hoarsely.

"Are you leaving me?" Justin asked, standing up clutching his stomach with his hands.

Turning his head, Scott said over his shoulder, "Never you, Justin. I'm leaving me."

Before the door shut, Justin fell back on the couch and curled up in ball. He cried for sometime until he couldn't cry anymore. After an hour, he went to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of Vodka.

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Very powerful. Brilliant, actually. Thank-you.For what it's worth, I can feel the agony in Scott, and subconsciously I think he feels that by saying 'yes' he would be another of Justin's possesions. Sadly, many people cannot grasp that. There is a core 'you' in everyone, and it must, MUST, be protected at all costs, even at the cost of ones life; to do any less is mental suicide. Of course there IS a way to resolve such a situation, but Scott and Justin have not developed their communication abilities to the point of being able to resolve it themselves.

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I agree with Trab, very powerful and well written, Jason.Too many times people acquire (even unwittingly) control over another by giving them what they want or need.As Trab points out:"There is a core 'you' in everyone, and it must, MUST, be protected at all costs, even at the cost of ones life; to do any less is mental suicide." To hijack this thread for moment, it is this very point that so many employers do not understand. They may be providing payment for work done, but that is not to say we should surrender our souls to them. Each of us is responsible for our own survival and integrity. Neither should we stop being ourselves just to please someone else.That doesn't mean we do not make self sacrifices for others it just means we should take care not to commit mental or spiritual suicide to fit in with someone else's desires or demands. Great stuff Jason, Trab.Excellent thoughts from you both.

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