So I have been laid up with the flu. Was it Swine Flu? Well it wasn't all that pleasant. I still have a cough, but if it was the swine flu I least had something in common with Harry Potter actor, Rupert Grint. He seems to have got on top of it and I seem to have done the same, though I like the idea that either he or I got on top.
As I say I still have a cough, but mainly my voice is husky; husky as in hoarse, not as in horse which if I got on top of, might mean I was in the play, Equus, which would be good except that it is too cold here for the nude scene and I wouldn't want to get the flu back. Hmm if I did that might mean I have some kind of horse flu.
My voice being all husky might also mean I didn't have the swine flu, it might have been dog flu I caught from a husky. No that's being silly, I haven't been near a dog, except for some...no I won't go there.
I did go to the doctor, who seemed quite surprised I was alive and walking. He listened to my lungs with his stethoscope and asked me to cough. If I could have given him one of my evil smiles I would have, but ever willing to do exactly what the cute doctor wants me to do, I began coughing and hawked up some flying phlegm which did a free fall on to the middle of his desk.
The doctor just looked at it. "Do you need a specimen?" I asked batting my innocent blue eyes.
"It's okay," said the doc, "I wanted a new desk, anyway."
"You could always disinfect it," I told him.
We both leaned over the table to inspect the 'specimen.'
He looked at it and announced it was typical and didn't appear to be anything nasty, then he looked at me and asked if I felt okay.
" I feel great," I said, "It looks like my throat just orgasmed on your desk."
"Can we skip the description of your afterglow?" he asked.
"Okay I said, anyway now it's your turn."
"I think not," he said as he put his stethoscope away, "Come back in a fortnight and we'll see how you are."
"That's it?" I asked, "Come back in two weeks, what if I have the horse flu?"
"Horse flu?" he asked and I smiled to myself, I had him where I wanted him and he was going to be the recipient of my pun for the week, when he suddenly announced, "Horse flu is not like bird flu, it won't fly."
"That's what they said about the pigs before they took off and flew," I triumphantly announced.
"I don't have time for this," he said and handed me a script.
"What's this for?" I asked.
"Pain relief, " he told me, "In case you tell yourself one of your puns."
The doc likes to get in the last word.