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Top versus Bottom


Jason Rimbaud

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In a forum somewhere on that one site, there was a discussion topic that asked a simple question…Top or Bottom.

And after reading all the comments in that thread, and believe me you should read them because they are extremely amusing, I decided to reply to that thread and offer up my perspective.

And then, as one or two of you might know by now, I noticed my reply was getting rather long winded so I decided to answer this question in my blog where there is less of a chance that something I might say would get me in trouble.

Besides, if you’re reading this blog than you are quite accustom to my long meandering rants that always seem to end before I get to the juicy parts.

Before I get to the meat of the problem, I want t ask a survey question…Can you make a good top if you’ve never bottomed before?

I would love to hear your comments about this subject since a few of my friends and I have a long standing argument about this very topic.

I do know that I will always be grateful to a little punk bottom twink by the name of John for teaching me the difference between a straight top and a gay top. But then I’m getting ahead of myself again.

If you’re straight, sex with a girl, even anal sex, is vastly different than having sex with a gay bottom. For one, it takes loads more preparation to get the guy ready which always leads to hot foreplay. And two, different positions adds a variety of sensations that changes the dynamic of just lying there on your stomach.

Now before I go further, I am not a woman so please don’t tell me where I’m wrong with the above sentence. Thanks.

The absence or presence of lube also changes the feelings for both top and bottom. I guess it depends on the need at the moment of penetration. And maybe the size of the penis that is entering me.

In my late teens and early twenties, it was usually decided, and almost always in an unspoken action, who would top depending on our respective penis sizes as well as physical size. It was almost like the larger penis meant more of dominance in the bedroom.

This is probably why my early forays into gay sex, while exciting and orgasmic for me, were usually ones I tended to forget the moment I left the room, or car, or park, or once a bus.

This lack of memorable sex was also due to my lack of experience with a talented top that knew how to make it pleasurable for the bottom.

I also observed back then that depending on my mood, whether I wanted to top or bottom, or to be completely truthful whether I was lazy or not, that I was drawn to a certain type of guy for each position. If I wanted to throw my legs over my head I was drawn to a more masculine guy, most of the time older than myself, and one that was more aggressive. If I wanted to have someone’s legs on my shoulders, I looked for a more feminine guy, usually smaller than myself as well as younger.

Remember this isn’t a broad statement about all guys but my experience. And I am quite experienced in that arena. Some would say I was/am a slut but that’s not what this blog is about now is it?

Why is it that younger guys tend to love bottoming? I’d love to hear some comments from some younger guys to see if they could shed some light on this subject.

I know there are loads of younger guys that love to top and have never bottomed before but I found that they were always lackluster in their technique. Though they did make up for this by their sheer exuberance and recharge abilities.

When I first experienced sex with a guy, and I’m not talking about mutual wanking, dry humping, or oral, it was with an older boy. I was fifteen and he was nineteen.

In my early teens, I “experimented” with another boy that went to my church. Quite harmless really, games of I’ll show you mine if you show me yours type of thing. There were loads of dry humping, no pun intended but gladly accepted.

And then, a year later or so, I was working at this trailer park cutting grass, I had my first touch of another boys privates. And this exploration, wanking off one another, lasted the summer. We had two glorious months of shooting in the great outdoors, and in the tool shed, in the pool, and anywhere we could get away with having our privates exposed. But once summer was over, we both with back to our respective schools and never saw each other again.

My fifteenth year was a year that I will never forget. Caleb, the nineteen year old boy that took my virginity, was the older brother of this boy I met from the public swimming pool. And being the walking boner machine I was back at that age, the moment I saw him in his cut off Levi shorts and his long blonde hair, it was lust at first sight.

Looking back I now can see he was a total predator but since I was a willing piece of prey, I bear him no ill wishes. I think I pursued him just as strongly as he pursued/seduced me. But that’s a tale for another time as I am currently writing about Top versus Bottom.

Caleb was that typical “straight” guy that plays around with other guys but never identified with being gay and probably had some reason for rationalizing his gay activities. He never once let me put my cock anywhere near any orifice of his body and only touched it once in all the times we played around.

But since I was a horny little boy and didn’t know any better, I pretty much let him do anything he wanted to do to my awakening body.

His favorite position for fucking me was me lying on my stomach with a pillow under my midsection. After barely any preparation, he’d shove it in and thrust away. I’m sure he was ashamed of what we were doing because he never wanted to look at my face and he wouldn’t make a sound except for his ragged breathing.

And he was the quietest guy ever when he came. He’d hold his breath, which was rather loud and always smelled of cigarettes, and he’d do this…half thrusting motion before pulling out and getting off the bed rather quickly. He’d always get dressed right away and then watch me as I finished myself off.

One time while we were thusly engaged, he kissed the back of my neck but most times the only part of his body that was actually touching me was his cock.

I do remember the look on his face as he watched me jerk off. It was like he was in pain but he couldn’t take his eyes off me. I once asked him to help me out but he refused very angrily. I was good enough for him to stick his cock inside me but anything else caused him to shut down emotionally.

Looking back I think he was molested as a child and was relieving some kind of trauma but I’ll never know as I lost track of him a long time ago.

And I’m not even going to go into penis size because I never really measured Caleb’s cock but I now know it was well below average. I’m sure this is why I didn’t need a lot of preparation and never really had an orgasm when he was topping me. I also can deduce that he wasn’t very experienced sexually with either girls or guys but that’s not the point.

All I can say was my first sexual intercourse wasn’t very fulfilling and for a time it actually turned me off guys all together.

The next year I turned sixteen and my next sexual partner was a girl named Christine and she was a demon in the bedroom. Sex with her was downright amazing and in her I found someone who wanted to touch me, kiss me, anywhere and everywhere and demanded that I do the same to her. And for those two months I can honestly say I was happy.

But sadly it was a summer fling and once she moved away I never saw her again. Oh the summer of my sixteenth year. But I wonder what she’d say if she knew the year before I was letting her best friend’s brother fuck me into straightdom/boredom.

My next partner was a guy named Brandon, and let me tell you, he was sex on wheels. He was so hot I didn’t care that my first go round with a guy was unfulfilling. I now know that the sex with him wasn’t that good but he made up for it in so many ways. Not only did he love shoving his cock inside me and touched me and kissed me into delirum, he also loved it when I returned the favor. Oh the memories of my first sixty-nine. He was also the first boy that fucked me when I was lying on my back. And after that little bit of magic, I realized that bottoming can be very enjoyable if you have the right partner.

It feels different, sex with girls as opposed to having sex with guys. And it’s not just about the different bodies, some softer and some harder, hairy or smooth. Guys smell different than girls and I found that most of the time I am attracted to the ways guys smell and turned off by the smell from girls.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always enjoyed my forays into straight sex. And when I have sex with a girl I go all the way, I do oral as well as penetration. Though I must admit I’ve never really figured out the female breasts, most of the time I just leave them alone and focus on the other parts. And not to put down any of my female readers, but guys just give better oral.

And there is something about giving oral pleasure to a guy that is always exciting and guys seem to just be tighter, on average, than girls and they grip you in a different way. Maybe because with each thrust there is a bit of resistance or maybe it’s just because I’m a gay guy that likes to have sex with other gay guys.

One of my friends believes that topping is harder work than bottoming and for a long time I tended to disagree. I thought a good bottom was actually the one who controls the speed, angles, and does…or should…do a majority of the work. And then I’ve come to realize in my later years that it takes two talented people to have amazing sex. I know when I’m bottoming I am giving just as much as whoever I allow to penetrate me.

Sex to me is like a partnership where everything is split down the middle. I’ve grown from my early years when I just laid there like a cold fish and let someone fuck me to an aggressive top that didn’t care about giving pleasure to my partner to where I am today.

Am I a top or a bottom? That depends on your definition of each term and if there is truly such a distinction. I know I won’t be with a partner that is exclusively one or the other.

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Very interesting and revealing, Jason. Thank you for your generous post.

I can offer some observations gathered from my past 50+ years, but first I want to make something clear about the time of my sexual self-discovery.

There was no Internet and no one to explain the gentle explorations that would enhance or prepare a bottom for a gay encounter when I was 15. This was mainly due to the horrid criminal laws having sent information deeper into the closet than where we young teens were.

Mutual masturbation and fellatio were easy enough to work out with my school mates, but anal was a mystery that would have to wait until I was a mid teen and met a college age guy who had a bad bedside manner. I hope he wasn't studying to be doctor. He plunged in for all he was worth, and I wasn't really ready.

Neither was I ready for plunger number two a year or so later, but he too went on his merry way.

I was lucky in having an older lover who only desired mutual satisfaction of great gentleness.

However, I soon discovered the joys of prostate massage and I think younger guys are much more easily stimulated with an accompanying extreme pleasure, anally. The older we get, it seems that the prostate stimulated pleasure is matched by the pleasure of being a top. However, there is also a rider (no pun intended) to this as it certainly seems that a well used bottom may well develop an inability to reach orgasm, unless they are anally stimulated.

Several doctors and other practitioners all corroborate this theory, and that there is a natural changeover period between younger bottom, and becoming a not so young top. If the end of puberty which we can put at the latest as 16 being the younger bottom age, then the end of adolescence, which we can put at 25 would coincide with the change to becoming an older top. These age groups also fit in with the mentor system of Ancient Greece during its years of homosexual acceptance.

What I can say from experience and consultation with friends is that the notion of being only a bottom or only a top is not conducive to a full and happy sex life. As I said above the criminal law and its restrictive nature forced many of us to regard ourselves as one thing or another, but not both. That was something we had to learn. Today, I think young gay people have a much wider repertoire with greater access to information on methods of interaction. A pillow under the bottom's lower back can provide easy access for face to face encounters of the pleasurable kind. I have certainly found it best when the intimate flexing of posterior muscles is matched by the orbiting inserting shaft for maximum mutual lift-off.

I would emphasise that being able to alternate being both top and bottom is both healthy and necessary for a full sex life. But so too are the other 69 positions.

If you stop and consider it, we are lucky that the sexual prohibitions of Victorian England were ignored in boarding schools and in other more enlightened continental nations; otherwise same sex activity might have become limited to thinking about it. We humans are definitely, in my opinion, meant to share our sexual experiences with each other, and that includes those of us who have distinct genetic dispositions to exclusive same sex, or opposite sex relationships. There is a lot to discover about our sexual lives, and I don't think it is as limited as some would have us believe.

I would also agree that making love to a woman is easier than making love to a man. (I was seduced, I swear it.)

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Ah! Everybody run! It's only a matter of time before Camy eats your face off.

Ahem. It does seem to me like the majority of guys my age are bottoms. Even the ones that say are tops or versatile seem to enjoy bottoming more than they like to admit. I came to the same conclusion you've come to: I don't want be with someone who is exclusively a top or bottom. At least not for more than thirty minutes a day :P.

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I had a boyfriend when I was 18 who wanted to top then wanted to be bottomed. He didn't last long...thank goodness.

Alternating every six hours is best.

It has always fascinated me that when a straight guy sees two guys screwing they tend to think that the bottom is missing out...they just don't understand, poor dears.

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Blue actually read this and is actually going to post a reply. Actually!

Long, ambling posts? I can't object, ppl would throw too much popcorn.

The internet didn't exist in my teens, including college age. I was too embarrassed and timid (and feeling too guilty) (or not desperate enough) to check some of the more directly informative areas or publications, shall we say. What I knew, I got from hearing guys and girls talk, TV, the library, and the bookstore. Oh yeah, and what little actual experience I had, which mostly included not getting as experienced as I would've liked. This, despite being a very "confused and questioning" teen. Lotta questions, lotta curiosity, not enough answers, and I guess I was looking for answers from the wrong people/places. (Not bad people/places, mostly, just not, um, gay or bi enough, I guess. But then, I was really uptight.) Also, I was just as often convinced (and probably right) to feel like I was being baited a few times. (Such as the boy who, sitting out in P.E., thought he'd say he bet I plucked my eyebrows, didn't I? Um, do what? You gotta be kidding me.)

Anyway, so in my vast not-much-experience but much interest in the subject, when I wasn't feeling conflicted about it, I can say a few things.

In my teens and twenties, if some friend had actually been nice enough to ask me if I wanted to do anything, and if I had had the cajones to say yes, what would my preferences have been? Easy: I couldn't have imagined anal would be good. My answer would likely have been a very articulate, "Ugh!" or maybe as much as, "Gross!"

I would not have known "top" or "bottom", but I would've figured it out from the words. Heh. (Though I might've had a little confusion on whether that had to do with what went where, versus who was where, altitudinally.) However, I would've figured it out, I'm sure. LOL.

That was then. That was also before the internet, and the chance to read things or see things. Um, and some of those sounded good, or at least OK, maybe worth a try, maybe, once I had time to get used to the idea. (Or get more desperate, possibly.)

However, back to the teens, I would've been very glad for the other options. By myself was fun, I have a good imagination. But of course, I wanted more of the few times with someone else. I just had very little idea how to ask or be asked. ... But except for one (possibly two) guys, it was pretty much me, shy about it as I was, trying to discover if a friend might be open to the idea of a guy doing anything with another guy, or in particular, him and me. I am very sure I fumbled this one in spectacular fashion, more than once. I must not have been around the right guys, I guess. (I hear about other guys' multiple explorations and I'm awed, dudes.)

My own opinion on anything in this department is, I'd want both partners to be just as willing (eager) to give as well as receive. Sharing. Equals. To me, that sounds much better, much less like somebody's missing out in the relationship. But then, I have had it pointed out to me that some people might really enjoy giving or receiving any of the various menu choices, even if they or their partner isn't especially keen on doing the same. Some people don't like it too spicy. Others don't like chocolate. (I mean chocolate, not a euphemism. I thought everybody liked chocolate. Oh well.)

Or a more basic question, how are you going to know if you are a top or a bottom if you haven't tried both? In that, I mean any of those menu choices.

Because of my own preferences earlier on, I can certainly understand it if someone doesn't want or like, say, oral or anal. If they don't like it, they shouldn't have to do it.

Um, OK, I do understand the idea of the Kinsey scale, some are straight, some are mostly straight, some are bi, some are mostly gay, some are gay. But I'd also say I have to wonder about the idea of a "straight top" or a "straight bottom." If he's primarily straight, OK. But if he's sought out and actively (or heck, passively) participating, top, bottom, or (heheh) sideways, uh, I'm not so sure he's exclusively straight, you know? ;) I'd say he's a little bi, at least.

Having said that -- Yes, it is also quite possible for a guy to be acting out from past experiences, bad or good. It's also possible a guy may feel tremendous guilt or at least tremendous confusion and questions about any kind of same-sex activity.

I grew up with the idea everywhere that boys weren't supposed to do things like that with other boys. So imagine my surprise when my body, mind, and heart wanted to do things like that with other boys. Heh. It's notable how good and right it feels during, yet you have questions or guilt after. It's also notable how, when there's someone you really like, it feels so good and right to find out or be found, heh. ... But eventually, you have to discover it really is OK to like the same sex for whatever you and he (or she) might want to do.

My opinion, including in one area where I don't have actual experience.

So there. I've just made one of my most revealing and controversial posts ever. Hoo boy.

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I will admit that as far as anal is concerned, I prefer being a bottom. It is more satisfying and I last longer-- listen to me... I haven't been with another person since the last century. I also prefer having someone be in charge, having someone love and protect me. It's nice to be with someone stronger, so it's not just a sexual thing. It's also an emotional thing.

My first time being f@@@@ed, occurred when I was 16. I was walking home from work at Pizza Hut on a Friday night and a man in his early forties offered me a ride, which I naively accepted. I soon realized what he wanted and I wasn't averse to it! We pulled into a Sears parking lot and went to the back of his station wagon. Its true... you c an get anything you want at Sears (or could in 1974). I had never done certain things before, but I had shoplifted a copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Now About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask, so I had a mechanical understanding of what was going to happen, but I admit the preliminaries shocked me. A tongue...down there? Well, yes. Yes. YES! But the rest hurt and he didn't stop when I said STOP. So, it was not until my sophomore year in college that THAT particular thing happened again. Fortunately, it was with someone possessed of KY-- Did you know there was a time when you had to have a prescription or be a medical professional to have access to KY? I'm sure there are jokes to be made about that!

As I grew older and more experienced, I found being the sucker rather than the suckee and the fuckee rather than the fucker was what I wanted. There is something about someone else being in charge, being stronger, and protecting me that is an emotional turn-on and attraction. So, it's not merely a sexual preference.

In a couple of my stories, I've written about Bad Boys and how sexy they can be, (ex. Brad in Courage and Passion). I'm not necessarily into bad boys, but I can see the attraction to having someone being dominant in that way.

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