Jump to content

A Dude Named Milton

Recommended Posts

Now, I'll tell ya a tale that'll bust your heart

That only a few people knew, to start

It all took place when our concert tour was booked at the SeaTac Hilton?

I'll guarantee every word is the Gospel truth

Got witnesses to prove it, too,

'Cause we all toured with a fellow by the name of Milton

Now Milton was our official tour director,

Electrical piano-playing plug connector

And the slave-drivingest travel conductor

That we ever seen in our lives

He'd yell "Whaddya mean, you need more rest?

"The world don't care whether you look your best!

"Simply show up promptly at six A.M. with your instruments ...and your wives!"

He'd always arrive in the nick of time

A good five minutes ahead of flight time

And looking like he'd been drug through a needle's eye

He'd stand there, stoned and about to choke

On his Egg McMuffin and his giant Coke

And then he'd throw all the tickets on the counter and yell

"Check the bags and let's fly!"

"Well, whaddya mean, this is too much weight?

"We only got forty-six pieces of freight!

"And if it don't go, who's gonna explain it to our fan club in Tacoma?"

We'd all get embarassed and head for the plane

While Milton stood there, being profane

But somehow he always managed to get on board ?in sort of a coma

Well, we deplaned at the other end

All the trouble seemed to commence again

Though Milton had ordered three station wagons, a pickup truck and a limo

And though he'd phoned ahead to that Number Two

Cussing and fussing and turning blue

We'd always end up with two Datsun's and a Pinto

Now Milton took all of that stuff in stride

Laid on the floor, and kicked and cried

But we always looked up to him for hope and salvation

But we'd sink to the bottom of travelers hell

When he'd check us in a remote motel

And he'd grab the clerk by his shirt and tie and yell

"Whaddya mean, ?no reservaci?nes?"

He'd shut himself in room 104

Let nobody in till he swept the floor

Adjusted the lampshade, aligned the TV, fixed the faucet, called the promoter


"Well, whaddya mean we're the warmup show?

"You're putting me on! We're stars, you know!

"And this ain't the way we was treated last summer at Six Flags Over Dakota!

"Now we gotta have a hundred percent top billing,

"Two-thirds in advance, of course, you silly!

"I'm sure we prefer a chauffered limosine and two air-conditioned dressing rooms, please.

"I'm what? Well, so is your wife! She's not? Well, to each his own.

"Beg pardon, stick it in my what? Well, really, Merle who?"

Now, Milton was a real good friend of mine

And we'd stuck together on down that line

But there was one or two points over which we just had to debate..

Like taking your clothes off and hanging from a cross in front of the Tri-County Fairgrounds

Is not necessarily an assurance that the crowd ain't gonna start throwin tomatos

And when you arrive at four for a five o'clock show

And the stage ain't built and there's no electricity

About all you could do is sit on your butt and cut bait

However, you give ole Milton four strong bodies, a nine foot grand, a beer and a cigarette

And you just knew that show was gonna be out of state

Now one night up there in Washington

We didn't get paid for a show we'd done

And poor old Milton couldn't live with that; his brain just shorted out.

Well, he locked himself in the bathroom

And then when he didn't come out for an hour and a half

We figured that something was wrong, but we had to remove all doubt

We stood transfixed in shock and horror

When we busted down that there bathroom door

And I hope I never see a sight like that again; no, I don't

There was nothing to do but close our eyes, and bow our heads, and vocalize

With a silent five-part acapella hymn, for him

Now we're getting ready, come next December

To put another concert tour together

And I'm sad to say old Milton ain't gonna be with us

No, it ain't gonna be exactly the same

When they introduce us without his name

So Milton, wherever you are, we hope you miss us!

See, Milton has moved on down the road

Over the rainbow, looking for gold

Yeah, he's up there where the stage lights is always on

But we can't forget that curly hair

When last we saw him sitting there

Holding his tambourine, sucking his thumb, and sound asleep on the john

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...