Justyn Posted January 5, 2006 Report Share Posted January 5, 2006 Now, I'll tell ya a tale that'll bust your heart That only a few people knew, to start It all took place when our concert tour was booked at the SeaTac Hilton? I'll guarantee every word is the Gospel truth Got witnesses to prove it, too, 'Cause we all toured with a fellow by the name of Milton Now Milton was our official tour director, Electrical piano-playing plug connector And the slave-drivingest travel conductor That we ever seen in our lives He'd yell "Whaddya mean, you need more rest? "The world don't care whether you look your best! "Simply show up promptly at six A.M. with your instruments ...and your wives!" He'd always arrive in the nick of time A good five minutes ahead of flight time And looking like he'd been drug through a needle's eye He'd stand there, stoned and about to choke On his Egg McMuffin and his giant Coke And then he'd throw all the tickets on the counter and yell "Check the bags and let's fly!" "Well, whaddya mean, this is too much weight? "We only got forty-six pieces of freight! "And if it don't go, who's gonna explain it to our fan club in Tacoma?" We'd all get embarassed and head for the plane While Milton stood there, being profane But somehow he always managed to get on board ?in sort of a coma Well, we deplaned at the other end All the trouble seemed to commence again Though Milton had ordered three station wagons, a pickup truck and a limo And though he'd phoned ahead to that Number Two Cussing and fussing and turning blue We'd always end up with two Datsun's and a Pinto Now Milton took all of that stuff in stride Laid on the floor, and kicked and cried But we always looked up to him for hope and salvation But we'd sink to the bottom of travelers hell When he'd check us in a remote motel And he'd grab the clerk by his shirt and tie and yell "Whaddya mean, ?no reservaci?nes?" He'd shut himself in room 104 Let nobody in till he swept the floor Adjusted the lampshade, aligned the TV, fixed the faucet, called the promoter (Yells) "Well, whaddya mean we're the warmup show? "You're putting me on! We're stars, you know! "And this ain't the way we was treated last summer at Six Flags Over Dakota! "Now we gotta have a hundred percent top billing, "Two-thirds in advance, of course, you silly! "I'm sure we prefer a chauffered limosine and two air-conditioned dressing rooms, please. "I'm what? Well, so is your wife! She's not? Well, to each his own. "Beg pardon, stick it in my what? Well, really, Merle who?" Now, Milton was a real good friend of mine And we'd stuck together on down that line But there was one or two points over which we just had to debate.. Like taking your clothes off and hanging from a cross in front of the Tri-County Fairgrounds Is not necessarily an assurance that the crowd ain't gonna start throwin tomatos And when you arrive at four for a five o'clock show And the stage ain't built and there's no electricity About all you could do is sit on your butt and cut bait However, you give ole Milton four strong bodies, a nine foot grand, a beer and a cigarette And you just knew that show was gonna be out of state Now one night up there in Washington We didn't get paid for a show we'd done And poor old Milton couldn't live with that; his brain just shorted out. Well, he locked himself in the bathroom And then when he didn't come out for an hour and a half We figured that something was wrong, but we had to remove all doubt We stood transfixed in shock and horror When we busted down that there bathroom door And I hope I never see a sight like that again; no, I don't There was nothing to do but close our eyes, and bow our heads, and vocalize With a silent five-part acapella hymn, for him Now we're getting ready, come next December To put another concert tour together And I'm sad to say old Milton ain't gonna be with us No, it ain't gonna be exactly the same When they introduce us without his name So Milton, wherever you are, we hope you miss us! See, Milton has moved on down the road Over the rainbow, looking for gold Yeah, he's up there where the stage lights is always on But we can't forget that curly hair When last we saw him sitting there Holding his tambourine, sucking his thumb, and sound asleep on the john Quote Link to comment
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