California teen admits killing gay student, to serve 25 years

[colinian]

The school is culpable in this crime. They didn't have a clue what to do about Larry King. They maintained a purposefully blindness regarding the interaction of Larry King and Brandon McInerney; the attitude was to "let the kids take care of it themselves – unless they get caught doing something against the rules." There was no effective bullying policy in the school district, and while that has now changed because of this incident, there was no valid reason for not enforcing such a policy during the time of this incident. What is missing in most schools is recognition of the problem. Kids, especially in middle/intermediate school, live in a DADT society that pervades those grades (6 to 8). They can be taught to recognize bullying problems and report them to a teacher or administrator. It takes a school district and schools that dedicate themselves to having and enforcing an anti-bullying policy, and training the kids and making them a central part of the policy by reporting bullying, fighting, and abuse.

Larry King was a bully. We don't have a word for it, but basically he was the gay side of homophobic. Homophilic doesn't carry the same sense of meaning. Maybe anti-straight, that is certainly the opposite of anti-gay. But whatever the word should be, Larry King should have been treated the same as any other bully would have been (or more likely should have been) treated at that middle school. Brandon McInerney was a bully who was being bullyed, and he acted from hate and uncontrolled anger. I agree that when he gets out of prison he'll undoubtedly be worse and wherever he lives society will be worse off.

Colin

[The Pecman]

Larry King was a bully. We don't have a word for it, but basically he was the gay side of homophobic. Homophilic doesn't carry the same sense of meaning. Maybe anti-straight, that is certainly the opposite of anti-gay. But whatever the word should be, Larry King should have been treated the same as any other bully would have been (or more likely should have been) treated at that middle school.

I'm not sure about it, Colin. I don't know how often Lawrence taunted the other kid, and if it was just an occasional teasing, or if it was an ongoing harrassment thing where it was every other day, constantly bothering him. Apparently, McInerney punched him at least once prior to the incident. I wondered if Lawrence literally had a death wish... if he was deliberately waving a red flag to a bull. Or if he was just so blind, he thought it was something minor and trivial, and had no clue just how totally freaked out the other boy was by his advances. (Lawrence was also a year older than the other boy, yet was smaller and slighter.)

Have we reached the point where schoolteachers are so forcibly "tolerant," they're reluctant to yell at effeminate kids for fear of backlash? And then somehow this gives the impression that it's OK for them to flaunt and taunt other boys who clearly aren't interested? It's a troubling aspect of the case. But I'll remind everybody that the day of the murder, King went to school in blue jeans and a T-shirt, no make up, and was uncharacteristically quiet -- almost like he knew something was going to happen, or maybe something had happened earlier.

A lot changed after Columbine. That, 9/11, the war, the economy... there's been a big shroud of gloom for the last decade. I got no answers here, except to observe that I really feel like there's a bigger story going on than we know.

[blue]

I'm not sure my memory's right. I seem to remember one case where a boy had been told by another boy that he was interested and would do something, but it was a ploy, and the boy attacked him instead. -- That is not intended to scare anyone away from asking or finding or taking up someone else's offer. That's only to say, be cautious, and think as well as feel and love. Is that possibly this case?

I hesitated before about commenting on how Larry was reported to have dressed, acted, used names, or teased. But I guess I'll say something. -- Please, folks, I mean NO disrespect to Larry King or boys like him.

If a boy has already told you he is not interested, and if he's actively freaked out and hostile because of it, then please don't pursue that boy. Don't tease him. That is not being gay-positive. It is simply insulting, embarrassing, and further confirming the feelings of a boy who feels his sexuality and masculinity have been threatened, and who is not interested in boys or yourself. Teasing that boy any further only invites him or others to get more angry and possibly act out violently. It is gay sexual harassment of a straight boy, or perhaps of a boy who's closeted and afraid, but more likely, straight. No means no. Go find a nice boy who would be more interested, who'd *like* it. But in school, calling a boy out in public, asking him very publicly if he is gay or if he likes you like that, or certainly suggesting more, is not a good idea. Even if he is possibly gay-friendly or gay (or closeted) (or not so sure yet) he may not be ready for the whole school (and his parents and place of worship) to know about that. Use your brain, not your little head. There are boys out there who might like it. But chances are, most of them are not so comfortable or sure yet, and they need to feel comfortable and safe, if they're going to be in any kind of relationship with you. Whether that's just experimenting and having fun one time, or whether it might be (or become) a close friendship or even boyfriends, most boys are probably not going to appreciate it being made into a spectacle. (And as a side note, some of us when that age would need to feel very comfortable or safe, to even think of admitting they might like it like that.) If you want a buddy or a boyfriend, then be a friend, before you tease some boy who might (or might not) really like you. Why turn it into a sideshow where the main attraction becomes a boxing match? Be nice. Be sweet. Be for real. That's friendly and sexy.

Asking to be called Leticia or dressing "like a girl." OK, why are you doing that? Is it to act up and get attention, or is it because you really do feel transgender? If you're transgender, you probably are fairly sure about that, because that's a big thing. Now, think about it. If you are doing that just to act up, be campy, draw attention, or if you think that's being gay, then before you get mad at me, please consider something. What about the other kid who really is transgender, who really does feel like a girl in a boy's body or vice versa? If you act up, aren't you disrespecting that transgender kid, including if he or she is too private (or maybe wisely self-protective) to do that at school? I've known someone transgender online, before they came out and started the transition and after. This was in a public, mixed, mainstream forum, but accepting. (It's a science fiction fan forum.) That was a teen when first posting, and yes, was already one of the most aggressively macho girls you could find, before coming out and transitioning to male. (And was worried, too, if I'd accept her becoming him.) This was very real. (He's known in that fan community, been to conventions and all, it's not faked.) -- I am a gay guy. By definition, I primarily like guys. A lot. I know how I felt as a teen, trying to sort out my feelings and figure out what it all meant, and why some friends, I had such feelings for. So I do get it that some people are transgender. -- So, my advice is, don't act up just for the heck of it. If you really do want to cross-dress and be the other sex, then OK, consider then how you should approach it to be you and be safe and positive. But don't just do it to be doing it, if you're not. 'K?

Dressing differently, hairstyle, what you carry / accessories, any jewelry, makeup, body decoration, etc. -- Hey, I'm pretty conservative, but I got dissed and bullied sometimes too for choices I made, or for things that really had nothing to do with being gay. (From 8th grade on, I carried a small camera bag for "telescopic glasses" because of my eyesight. Yes, sometimes people (not just kids) thought it was a purse. Including in college.) But it wasn't just that. So I get this one. People should really not care if you dress differently. Straight boys like to look good too. We all do. It's to express ourselves, identify with others, and attract friends as well as attract dates. Yes, people judge. Is that too macho, too nerdy, too out of style, too outrageous, too boyish, too girlish? Kids even judge on little trivial stuff. So do adults.

Yes, you have a right to express yourself. Yes, KISS and Alice Cooper and David Bowie and Boy George (OK, maybe not the best example) and even Justin Bieber, and plenty of others have worn makeup, subtle or not. And some are OK with it and some are not. Same for punk hair. Or earrings (this ear, that ear, both ears, more than one, yeah-yeah). Fine, already. High heeled boots? If Steely Dan can sing about them, fine. (OK, that's old school, I admit it.)

That is also something some guys can get away with and others can't. In the 80's, when Miami Vice was the "in" thing, I was too uptight to try that look, the rolled up jacket and all. It was really popular, and the boys wore that and the girls loved the guys for it. And where I lived, that was actually OK if you were certain guys. The climate (weather) was right for it. But either from being uptight, or from knowing how I look and sound, I didn't go for that. (My mom actually tried to get me to buy a jacket and all.) Why? Because it would've attracted more attention than I was comfortable with, to the fact that I already looked and sounded and moved, well, "fem" enough, maybe, that it wasn't gonna go over with me. (Now, I wonder if I should've tried it, or if my mom had been cluing in without her knowing it.)

What I am trying to say is that there is a time and a place. Sometimes, it's good to be expressive and be the real you. Other times, a little camouflage is necessary. It isn't just the prey who wear camo, the hunters do too. In other words, it's sometimes a good idea to be cautious. After school, out with friends, at home, out to party, then maybe you can do how you want.

There's also the school dress code, even if it's a double standard. It's still the dress code. You can be brave and fight it if it's unjust, but that takes a lot too.

I'm not trying to say to hide the real you. What I am saying is to live in the real world, to live to fight another day, and to know when something is appropriate. Choose your battles, if you're going to be an activist.

And by the way? I kinda like some of the choices, even if I'm preppie by default.

What I'm saying is, be smart. Use your brains, don't just act up for the sake of attention or to be different. Being different is good, even if a lot of people get upset about it. They're missing out, right? But be smart.

I probably should've gone with the Miami Vice thing, just to try it, back in the day. Maybe I would've looked like the hero kid with the dog from Lost Boys. But at the time, I thought I'd look way too laughable or too girly/fem (or yes, what I thought of as gay back then). And I probably was right, even if a few boys in my school could carry off that look really well and the girls sure dated them. Was my mom clued in? Possibly. I wasn't comfortable, and no, I was not telling, but that's precisely because of the bullying and all that I went through, as well as a couple of crushes and so on.

I'm not trying to tell people you can't dress like that or be out. I wish I'd been more OK with myself. I wish others had been more open, or let me know, so I could have talked with them (friends, parents, etc.). -- But on the other hand, I know how it felt to be bullied, and I saw how several other boys got bullied, really badly. (It was Houston in the 70's and 80's, y'all.)

Times have changed. There's a GSA at my old high school. (I know because a friend's daughter was in it and because another student's activism got the district to accept having GSA's.) Things are somewhat better. But yes, I still have heard high school kids saying someone (not just something) was so gay, and they weren't saying it in a nice way.

How you (or I) behave can be a positive force for change, a good example. It can help others, to be themselves or to learn and accept those who are different in all ways. How we behave can also risk giving the wrong message, the wrong impression, and it can sometimes get unwanted, uncalled-for attention. It can get you bullied and hurt.

So be smart. Find the friends you can rely on. Be yourself. -- But don't tease a kid who doesn't want to be teased. That is the same damn thing the bullies do to you, right? -- Just use your brains in addition to your heart and guts. Be a real, true friend, and somebody worthwhile will be a friend back. You may also find that nice guy or girl who'd really like to spend hours talking and visiting, or y'know, certain other fun recreational activities, such as biology practice.

Oh, and if you do get to practice biology, wear a raincoat so you don't catch cold or something. ;) Just saying.

Now stepping down from the soapbox.