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Merry Christmas Ya'll

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Posted 21 December 2005 - 07:26 PM

Merry Christmas Ya'll,

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States area on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio and West Virginia. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few
differences between us, such as:

There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke can handy.

Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over Bubba's fireplace.

You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"

As required by the local highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a decal depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character Calvin relieving himself ... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on
the Tooth Fairy.

The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me"; and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."

Sincerely Yours,


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I guess that he's been replaced in Oz by his cousin Santa-mate.

His sleigh would be drawn by kangaroos with Skippy in the lead, if he's sober enough to go on delivery.

You'll know if he does, because instead of Ho, ho, ho, Santa-mate will shout "Coo-ee," in a thick Aussie accent.

Also he will be wearing speedos as the Santa outfit is too damn hot. (It's summer here.).

Forget the milk and cookies, he'll need some ice-cold beer and roasted peanuts with a rerun on TV of last winter's Grand Final football game.

It's also advisable to lock up your daughters, or invite your parents-in-law to stay the night.

Surfers, please note that no surf boards will be delivered this year as last year one slid off the sleigh and hit Skippy in the back of the head, prompting him to let loose with bloody foul language that shocked the koala bears.

God rest ye merry Aussie blokes,

Let nothing stop your play-ing around...

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