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Holiday Party

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Posted 21 December 2005 - 08:20 PM

Holiday Party

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO Everyone
RE Christmas Party
DATE December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 2
RE Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 7
RE Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days
are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in
little foil swans.

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 8
RE Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date December 9
RE Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition,
folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 10
RE Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party
at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard
them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!


FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE December 14
RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday
party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!
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