I'm feeling fragile. Apologies for the expletives.
Ultimately it comes down to purpose. Why am I here, and what the fuck am I supposed to be doing?
They say - depending on who the 'they' are - that I'm here to improve my lot and will come back time after time until I get the keys to ... heaven/nirvana/shangri-la or alternatively I'm gonna burn in the fires of hell. Well, I'm not keen. And I'm certainly not keen on the fires of hell. I want to know what it is I should be doing so I can get on with it. Hmm. Not too hard is it?
Apparently, yes. It is.
The concept of life I grew up with was: be a child, go to school, grow up, go to university, get a job, retire, die. Well, I've truly fucked up on that. I got stuck in the growing up bit, and I can't even seem to achieve that. There are no jobs for life anymore, and retirement is just a farce unless you happen to win the lottery.
I wish my dad was still alive to tell me, though actually he was as lost as I am. His only piece of advice to me was 'do whatever you want provided you're happy, and don't harm others'. Nice, but really he should have given me a map.
Then there are the side roads I seem to have drifted down. Like drugs. Well, yes I do. Unfortunately.
Oh lord, hear my prayer, and send me a sign ... or the lottery numbers. I thank you.
I should have been an astronaut or a steam train driver. Perhaps it's not to late. Ok, so maybe not an astronaut.
I'm one fucked up Emu.
Oh, and then there's M, my true love. I want to live with him, but achieving it seems nigh impossible. The C word - commitment - is just ... terrifying, yet why should it be? I love him, and he loves me. So why is it all so difficult?