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Fragile


Camy

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I'm feeling fragile. Apologies for the expletives.

Ultimately it comes down to purpose. Why am I here, and what the fuck am I supposed to be doing?

They say - depending on who the 'they' are - that I'm here to improve my lot and will come back time after time until I get the keys to ... heaven/nirvana/shangri-la or alternatively I'm gonna burn in the fires of hell. Well, I'm not keen. And I'm certainly not keen on the fires of hell. I want to know what it is I should be doing so I can get on with it. Hmm. Not too hard is it?

Apparently, yes. It is.

The concept of life I grew up with was: be a child, go to school, grow up, go to university, get a job, retire, die. Well, I've truly fucked up on that. I got stuck in the growing up bit, and I can't even seem to achieve that. There are no jobs for life anymore, and retirement is just a farce unless you happen to win the lottery.

I wish my dad was still alive to tell me, though actually he was as lost as I am. His only piece of advice to me was 'do whatever you want provided you're happy, and don't harm others'. Nice, but really he should have given me a map.

Then there are the side roads I seem to have drifted down. Like drugs. Well, yes I do. Unfortunately.

Oh lord, hear my prayer, and send me a sign ... or the lottery numbers. I thank you.

I should have been an astronaut or a steam train driver. Perhaps it's not to late. Ok, so maybe not an astronaut.

I'm one fucked up Emu.

Goodnight.

Oh, and then there's M, my true love. I want to live with him, but achieving it seems nigh impossible. The C word - commitment - is just ... terrifying, yet why should it be? I love him, and he loves me. So why is it all so difficult?

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Life ends up being a case of setting yourself a goal (or goals) and then working your way towards it (them). Once you get there, you set yourself another goal (or goals).You've given yourself a goal with the last paragraph. You want to know what you're supposed to be doing with your life? There's your answer -- working out how to achieve that goal. Once your achieve that, I'm sure you'll find another goal to aim for.Good luck!Graeme :)

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I suspect, probably wrongly, that you don't find yourself worthy of M's love and committment, and therefore don't dare go that step. You feel you've missed out on important goals in life, and therefore you feel you are unworthy. Well, I'm not sure what to say, since I seem to have gone my whole life without any particular goals, and it hasn't traumatized me. I got a job, completely different from what I went to school to learn, and slowly but surely made my job suit me more and more, through subtle and not so subtle manipulation of those around me. I was accepting of the job, as a means to getting money to live, but my LIFE, was joining clubs and organizations and helping them. I have built clubs from the ground up. I have started revamping old organization s and breathing new life into them. I volunteer for a shitload of different things. I am, for all intents and purposes, a social misfit, but I don't suffer from feelings of unworthiness, because I help, without pay, those who I feel need help. Not all of them, but some. As long as you have money enough to live, then LIVE by helping others. You will soon feel good about yourself, and maybe take that C word to the next level.

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Camy, from this great distance and from what you have written it might be that you have seen through some of the false reasoning that abounds on the planet in relation to what we should and should not believe as well as what we might be. The danger for you is that someone may present you with a convincing argument to adopt their answer. Be careful. Camy, does it help to know that every worthwhile human being goes through what you are feeling at the moment?Every artist suffers from periods of doubt and questioning in both the personal and universal sense. It is part of the price an artist pays for being sensitive. And being sensitive is where our creativity comes from. Daring to be sensitive is a life long effort.I know it doesn't feel easy, but being aware of what you are feeling, what you have written and shared with us, is part of the reality of living life to the full. You will come to grips with it. You will learn to use it to create, and you will learn to use your sensitivity to help others.It takes time and effort, but it is worth it.You honour us by sharing your thoughts with us.(Yeah! I am an old hippie, :lol: )Peace be with you.

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Damn Camy, why do I feel like giving you a hug? Then taking you out for a few pints, where we can play music and drink until the sun comes up. I always think that the answers to lifes greatest mysteries are found at the bottom of a bottle. Then again, I've never been the best role model. Or so my father always said. But he was crazy. Hang in there, one of the greatest things about humans is our ability to cope with just about anything. Sooner or later, the answers always come.Jason R.PS: if you have any drugs you don't need anymore, ship them over. :lol:

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I was fragile, and pretty miserable when I wrote the entry, and was on my way to delete it when I found all your comments. I'm blown away by the kindness I find here, and feel very humble. Thank you all.Sincerely,Camy

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Camy, there is no need to feel humble. Just realize that we all hurt at times, some for longer periods than others, but despite being an authors forum overall, we are a support structure for each other too. We have similar, if not identical issues and fears, hopes and dreams, and we can and do offer our shoulders to each other for support, even beyond literary support. Personally, I think it is a strength to open up our vulnerabilities to others, not a weakness.

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Camy, there is no need to feel humble. Just realize that we all hurt at times, some for longer periods than others, but despite being an authors forum overall, we are a support structure for each other too. We have similar, if not identical issues and fears, hopes and dreams, and we can and do offer our shoulders to each other for support, even beyond literary support. Personally, I think it is a strength to open up our vulnerabilities to others, not a weakness.
Ditto Trab I agree entirely. I'd kiss you Camy, but you probably don't want to feel old age creep up on you. :lol:
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I felt some of that, most of it, actually. Then I got older. When they talk about midlife crisis, they ain't just whistling Dixie.Getting older isn't fun, but it does get you past some of the stuff that's haunting you right now.You're a good, caring, helping man, Camy. Just remember that, and move on.You'll come through it. Cole

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