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The one where I throw up on the screen


Jason Rimbaud

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The One Where I Throw Up on the Screen

I feel sick, diseased and lifeless. I saw the darkest parts of myself today, struggled long after the hope of changing had faded. I'm dirty and need a shower. Have you fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

I washed the sheets today, they were stained and filled with memories I'd rather forget. His name was Alex. I met him at Nola's last night after work. He was a tall skinny brunet with a lopsided grin. In a bar filled with two-baggers, he was the only one I'd fuck with the lights on. It was pathetic, awkward, and un-fulfilling. A coupling where you really want to cum as fast as possible just so it would be over. Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

His breath smelled of un-washed ass, even after I made him rinse out with Mouthwash. A putrid smell I swear I can still smell on my dick, hours after I bid him adieu. But I needed a dumpster, a stranger, someone I would never have to see again. Release is primal, and jerking off only takes you so far. Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

I saw stains on my carpet, I wonder if Resolve will truly resolve them? Alex was cute, tall and gangly but with way to much body hair. I've seen less hair in 70's porno movies. What kind of homo lets his situation roam free and out of control? It's 2007 for christ sakes, trim up that bush people. Alex couldn't have weighed more than 140 pounds, and stood at least six foot three. I had fears of breaking him in half, though they faded as primal urge took over. When he stripped off his clothes, I admit I was a bit surprised. A monster cock fell out of his boxers, and though I know cocks look bigger on skinny guys, his dick was HUGE. I must admit I found his monster cock quite amusing, as he was a total bottom. This makes me kind of believe in god. Only the twisted god of the christians would have the sense of humor to give a total bottom like Alex such a monster cock. Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

Fucking Alex was like fucking a box of ice, cold and slightly numbing. The noises he made were all wrong, and in the wrong places and time. I thought at first he was going through the motions, but his cock was hard the entire time. I don't think he came, though sex was never about him in the first place. Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

I washed my sheets today, three times. I think they might still be dirty, or maybe it's just the grime I sense in my self. His name was Alex, and he told me he was just out of two month long relationship with his straight best friend. Why is it gay boys always crush on their straight best friends? Again my belief in god doubles. At Nola's, he told me he was tired of jerking off and sleeping alone. All he wanted was some human contact. Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

I scrubbed my carpets this morning, early, right after I told him to leave my apartment. I can still see the look on his face, a sad look of quiet acceptance. It was heartbreaking, to see someone so broken, hints of tears in his blue eyes as he quickly got dressed. He is still young, young enough to have delusions about true love and lasting commitments. In his time spent in my bed, I think I might have jaded him, tarnished his golden armour. Set him on the path to be another jaded fag, just like me. Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

His name was Alex and he was beautiful. His hair smelled of honey and mixed berries, I can still smell his Tommy cologne. And his breath didn't smell like un-washed ass, more of beer and cigarettes. A mixture that usually drives me wild. Young and filled with life, Alex was a tiger in the bed. The sex was primal and filled with passion and sweat. Innocence smells sweeter before you fuck, afterwards it smells of guilt and self-loathing. Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

I washed myself four times today, I still feel dirty though. Scrubbing the stains away in my carpet was something I could control. Elbow grease works, my carpet is now again spotless. Just like my shower, the fourth time I showered I spent most of the time cleaning it. My skin smells of 409 Bathroom and Tile Cleaner. My toes and hands are wrinkled, I don't think I'll ever get clean again.

Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?

Have you ever just fucked someone over?

Have you...

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That was... I don't know... sad, maybe? And all the washing... it wasn't about Alex.Anyway... this entry is totally emotional. I hope you feel better soon. Maybe I could help you some... I want to feel alive too.

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Sadly, Jason, it wasn't Alex who was fucked over; it was you. You know what you truly need (in my humble view)? A friend. A true friend. Maybe even a friend to love. Not someone who wants something from you. Not someone who wants sex. Not someone to be lusted over. Just someone to love you, for you. Just someone to love. Just someone... If truth be known, you rip my heart out Jason, you truly do. And there's nothing, NOTHING, I can do to help, and that makes it all the worse.Somehow, and I don't know how, you need to see your own goodness. You need to see your own badness, and forgive yourself. You may not find that external friend to love, but if you work at it, you may just find that true friend inside yourself, hiding, quivering in fear, but oh so wanting to meet with you. Look deep, Jason. I KNOW he's in there, waiting for you.

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Jason, that was really quite poetic.But was promiscuity ever meant to be subjected to such objectivity?Was it even meant to be anal-ised to such a depth? Of course we do think about these things during and after, rarely before, or we wouldn't do them...perhaps.Maybe we go looking for love and when it is but a fleeting physical moment, then we see it for what we think it is -and condemn it; condemning ourselves, needlessly...perhaps.Otherwise we might be satisfied with fucking someone over, and I don't think you were.Perhaps you could put it together as a poetic prose piece and call it "Poetic Justice of a One Night Stand."I think you captured it all with great accuracy and sensitivity. Trab's observations make a lot of sense too.

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That was... I don't know... sad, maybe? And all the washing... it wasn't about Alex.Anyway... this entry is totally emotional. I hope you feel better soon. Maybe I could help you some... I want to feel alive too.
Ah, Rad...you a bad boy. A very bad boy. :whistle: But I like you anyway.And Trab, I think it's scary how you always see to the heart of the matter. I like to think of you as a friend. :inquisitive: Des, I like your title, Poetic Justice of the One Night Stand. But you said I should write a short story, didn't I already write...a...story? *walks away looking for butterflies*Jason R.
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Des, I like your title, Poetic Justice of the One Night Stand. But you said I should write a short story, didn't I already write...a...story? *walks away looking for butterflies*Jason R.
Yes that is right, you have already written a story very, very well.I thought you might want to explore it further, or leave it as it is. Either-way I didn't want to presume to tell you what to do.It's fine like it is.I love the way you twist the repetitive line, "Have you ever fucked someone for the sole purpose of trying to feel alive?"to become, "Have you ever just fucked someone over?" For me, that is not just clever writing, it is great writing.It is a powerful piece on many levels. :whistle:
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Hey Des,If I do, can I have the title you suggested? I think it's better than the one I used. Jason R.PS: The TV was on in the background when I was posting this blog entry, and Friends was playing. Hence the name, that is how Friends titled all their episodes.

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